This Time - That Time 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Joe Speaks"Veronica is sent back again
42 total reviews
Comment from aryr
You provided such great details in this chapter which brought the reader closer to the sense of frustration and anger that Veronica is feeling as well the increase in Michaels behavior. It was great that you added the gender based thought, it was a wonderful touch. And the ending was fantastic with Joe actually coming forward. Very well done indeed, very enjoyable, thanks.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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You provided such great details in this chapter which brought the reader closer to the sense of frustration and anger that Veronica is feeling as well the increase in Michaels behavior. It was great that you added the gender based thought, it was a wonderful touch. And the ending was fantastic with Joe actually coming forward. Very well done indeed, very enjoyable, thanks.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Aww, thank you, Alie, I'm glad you enjoyed this part. Things will start happening big time soon! Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xx
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You are most welcome Sandra, now you have leaked my interest but I can wait, big hugs back at you, take care, blessings.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
This is rather chilling, Sandra - Joe's trying to say something, but no one seems to be listening.
lump in my throat that was stopping me breathe, - stopping my breath
Instead of answering me[.](,) he gave me a confused look - comma not period
I thought about my own travels(,) and suddenly - comma
from the garden with a basket full - basketful
A great chapter, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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This is rather chilling, Sandra - Joe's trying to say something, but no one seems to be listening.
lump in my throat that was stopping me breathe, - stopping my breath
Instead of answering me[.](,) he gave me a confused look - comma not period
I thought about my own travels(,) and suddenly - comma
from the garden with a basket full - basketful
A great chapter, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 10-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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It will all be sorted soon, and then the work will start for Veronica. Thank you, Margaret, I really appreciate you reading my story.
I can't wait for your next part. Goodness, you can certainly tell a good story. Big hugs my friend. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from rama devi
i enjoyed the whimsy in this chapter--with the light switch game and legos.
Good point a bout the gender alignment!
Good chapter with smooth pacing (mostly) and outstanding characterization, dialog, descriptive detail and diction (Love that Mildred to bits!)
Just a handful of nits...and I know you'll edit so five stars.
NOTES
*He had such an innocent grin on his face while his eyes were sparkling with mischief, it was hard not to smile.
He had such an innocent grin on his face while his eyes sparkled with mischief, it was hard not to smile.
*
Ann looked up at me from her sprawled position on the bed and,(no ,) then sat up.
*"No, Mummy." She shook her head. "Why? Have you found his daddy?" she asked as her face lit up with hope.
SHE ASKED AS could be trimmed.
"No, Mummy." She shook her head. "Why? Have you found his daddy?" Her face lit up with hope.
*
I stumbled and almost dropped him,(no ,) but managed to grab the banister rail to steady myself.
* I swallowed the lump in my throat that was stopping me breathe, and sat down on the stair before I gently turned him around to face me.
Spaggy. suggest:
I swallowed the lump in my throat that was stopping me breathing, and sat down on the stair before I gently turned him around to face me.
or
I swallowed the lump in my throat that stopped my breath, and sat down on the stair before I gently turned him around to face me.
*
Instead of answering me.(,) he gave me a confused look and a little wobble of his chin.
*I hugged him to my chest and rocked him gently. "It's alright, Sweetheart."
gently used just previously. Suggest trimming or replacing.
*here is gently again:
"Good point." I gently nibbled on my bottom lip.
* Then I thought about my own travels(,) and suddenly it began to make sense.
Leans to a six. Keep up the great job.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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i enjoyed the whimsy in this chapter--with the light switch game and legos.
Good point a bout the gender alignment!
Good chapter with smooth pacing (mostly) and outstanding characterization, dialog, descriptive detail and diction (Love that Mildred to bits!)
Just a handful of nits...and I know you'll edit so five stars.
NOTES
*He had such an innocent grin on his face while his eyes were sparkling with mischief, it was hard not to smile.
He had such an innocent grin on his face while his eyes sparkled with mischief, it was hard not to smile.
*
Ann looked up at me from her sprawled position on the bed and,(no ,) then sat up.
*"No, Mummy." She shook her head. "Why? Have you found his daddy?" she asked as her face lit up with hope.
SHE ASKED AS could be trimmed.
"No, Mummy." She shook her head. "Why? Have you found his daddy?" Her face lit up with hope.
*
I stumbled and almost dropped him,(no ,) but managed to grab the banister rail to steady myself.
* I swallowed the lump in my throat that was stopping me breathe, and sat down on the stair before I gently turned him around to face me.
Spaggy. suggest:
I swallowed the lump in my throat that was stopping me breathing, and sat down on the stair before I gently turned him around to face me.
or
I swallowed the lump in my throat that stopped my breath, and sat down on the stair before I gently turned him around to face me.
*
Instead of answering me.(,) he gave me a confused look and a little wobble of his chin.
*I hugged him to my chest and rocked him gently. "It's alright, Sweetheart."
gently used just previously. Suggest trimming or replacing.
*here is gently again:
"Good point." I gently nibbled on my bottom lip.
* Then I thought about my own travels(,) and suddenly it began to make sense.
Leans to a six. Keep up the great job.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 10-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Thank you so much, my dear friend! I've made all the corrections and changed a couple of words to get rid of 'gently' :)) I must keep a check on things like that. Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xxx
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:-))) I'll catch things like that for you when you send for final edits. xxoo Love, rd
Comment from JDRBAR
t that was stopping me breathe,
and Lego.
This was great as always. Perhaps now that Joe is talking, Veronica will be able to find a way of communicating with him. I love this story.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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t that was stopping me breathe,
and Lego.
This was great as always. Perhaps now that Joe is talking, Veronica will be able to find a way of communicating with him. I love this story.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Thank you so much, my friend, I'm so pleased you are enjoying my story. :) Sandra xx
Comment from smileycloud
good story
strong themes
the characterisation is great
your characters are living in your words
not sure about Joe could be he really pops back for real
good work
have a smiley day
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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good story
strong themes
the characterisation is great
your characters are living in your words
not sure about Joe could be he really pops back for real
good work
have a smiley day
Comment Written 10-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Thank you so much, Smileycloud. I'm so pleased you are still enjoying my story. :) Sandra xx
Comment from giraffmang
Seems Joe is making more of an appearance with more regularity.
in from the garden with a basket full of runner beans - makes no difference but I'm feeling pedantic this morning. This could be basketful here. (ha ha)
you fluctuate between you/yer for you when Mildred speaks here.-
"As yer can see, he weren't impressed." / Have you spoken t' Ann yet?" / "I wish yer luck with that." / "You told us that she didn't see Joe.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Seems Joe is making more of an appearance with more regularity.
in from the garden with a basket full of runner beans - makes no difference but I'm feeling pedantic this morning. This could be basketful here. (ha ha)
you fluctuate between you/yer for you when Mildred speaks here.-
"As yer can see, he weren't impressed." / Have you spoken t' Ann yet?" / "I wish yer luck with that." / "You told us that she didn't see Joe.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Thank you, my wonderful friend! I'm made the corrections and will make sure I take more notice of my tenses in future. :) You can be as pedantic as you like, just so long as you keep on finding my nits! You are priceless as a reviewer! Big hugs my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Oh dear, I have been waiting for this part just to see how you would have them react. This story is priceless in it's telling and quite an interesting read.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Oh dear, I have been waiting for this part just to see how you would have them react. This story is priceless in it's telling and quite an interesting read.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Thank you so very much, Barb! I'm so pleased you are still enjoying it. Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from Curly Girly
Oh, that was a creepy read!
That voice is inside the child again. When the mother questions her son further, he seems confused, as if he has no idea what he just said.
Maybe the voice once played with matches that caused a house to burn down. That could explain untimely deaths.
Now, what is that crash? I guess I'll have to wait and see. Don't keep us waiting too long.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Oh, that was a creepy read!
That voice is inside the child again. When the mother questions her son further, he seems confused, as if he has no idea what he just said.
Maybe the voice once played with matches that caused a house to burn down. That could explain untimely deaths.
Now, what is that crash? I guess I'll have to wait and see. Don't keep us waiting too long.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Thank you so much, Nicole. It's coming to a head soon. The next part of this part will be posted this week. Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandrax
Comment from l.raven
HI Sandra, OMG sweet girl...this chapter gave me the chills...I think good old Joe is getting mad in there...sounds like he is trying to say something...and no one is listening...or not sure what he is up to...need to get Daveth to come back...well sweet angel...going to get some sleep...not sure what the next two days well bring...I love your story told you...and I love you...God Bless to all...I hope I am caught up ...I feel bad when I fall behind...love to you all...and Hi to Ian...loveeeeeeee you lots...Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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HI Sandra, OMG sweet girl...this chapter gave me the chills...I think good old Joe is getting mad in there...sounds like he is trying to say something...and no one is listening...or not sure what he is up to...need to get Daveth to come back...well sweet angel...going to get some sleep...not sure what the next two days well bring...I love your story told you...and I love you...God Bless to all...I hope I am caught up ...I feel bad when I fall behind...love to you all...and Hi to Ian...loveeeeeeee you lots...Linda xxoo
Comment Written 09-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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Don't ever feel bad about falling behind, I know you will catch up when you can. Just knowing you want to is wonderful. I forgot to thank you for the six stars in the other reply, so double, double thank yous, and more thank yous for this one too, my lovely friend. Don't forget to let me know when the storm has passed. God bless you and keep you all safe, I'll be thinking of you, my stomach is churning! Love you too, dear friend. More hugs. xoxox Sandra xxxxx
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you are always so welcome...off the help Kristy...and keep her calm...she said her chest is a little tight...she worries for the kids...I told her to loosen up...all is well...biggerest hugs to you...love xxoo
Comment from EverInParadise
What a great story. The rhythm/meter of your sentences is sensational. Something I try for but often just do a lot of rewriting to accomplish it. The story is well told. Your sentences keep the reader moving forward. I will make every effort to keep up with this. Good writing inspires me to do better. This is a wonderful submission. I will have to learn how to go back to chapter one. I'm sure there is a way.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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What a great story. The rhythm/meter of your sentences is sensational. Something I try for but often just do a lot of rewriting to accomplish it. The story is well told. Your sentences keep the reader moving forward. I will make every effort to keep up with this. Good writing inspires me to do better. This is a wonderful submission. I will have to learn how to go back to chapter one. I'm sure there is a way.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
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That is such a lovely review, my friend, thank you so much! To go to my first chapter, go into my profile and click on 'Full portfolio' you will see Take This - Take That, if you click on 'show chapters' they will all come up. Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xx
