Unleashed Chaos
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "John Doe/Part Three"A Novel of the Breedline Series
6 total reviews
Comment from rwilliam
Really like the picture for this chapter.
As he held it open for Helen, he asked, "Dae ye need me tae escort ye?"--You did an AWESOME job with the accent. That's hard to do, for me anyway. :-) Great job.
Great chapter. You moved everything along very well. Great writing my friend. :-)
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2017
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Really like the picture for this chapter.
As he held it open for Helen, he asked, "Dae ye need me tae escort ye?"--You did an AWESOME job with the accent. That's hard to do, for me anyway. :-) Great job.
Great chapter. You moved everything along very well. Great writing my friend. :-)
Comment Written 12-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2017
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Thank you, girl :)
There is a website that translates English to any accent you want to use. It's fun. All you do is type in what you want translated, and it does it for you. :)
I appreciate your great feedback and the awesome rating. Made my day! :)
Shana :)
Comment from royowen
The experiments performed on Abbey's father, mother and John Doe, AKA Steven Pasquale, are reminiscent of the experiment performed by the Nazi doctors, to prove their dominant racial claims. But these are more Frankensteinean. Beautifully written, with the character's emotional descriptions outstanding, and the basic good principles of the breedline species well done, and of course, conversely, the Sebastions etc, diametrically opposite to this, dear Shana, excellent writing, blessings, Roy
Typo : The reality of her mother and father's death(,) and his(,)
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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The experiments performed on Abbey's father, mother and John Doe, AKA Steven Pasquale, are reminiscent of the experiment performed by the Nazi doctors, to prove their dominant racial claims. But these are more Frankensteinean. Beautifully written, with the character's emotional descriptions outstanding, and the basic good principles of the breedline species well done, and of course, conversely, the Sebastions etc, diametrically opposite to this, dear Shana, excellent writing, blessings, Roy
Typo : The reality of her mother and father's death(,) and his(,)
Comment Written 06-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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Oh, thank you Roy :)
I like your comment about the experiments on Steven being more Frankensteinean. That is so true. I never thought of that. Happy to hear you enjoyed the character's emotional descriptions. That is something I truly want to bring to the reader. Thanks for catching my typo. Your eyes make the difference.
I do enjoy hearing your feedback and opinion on what you get from each chapter. It helps me as I continue to write more adventures for the Breedline.
Always your fan,
Shana :)
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Always your friend dear Shana,
Comment from ngage
Great chapter Shana as always. You manage to take one exciting chapter to another thrilling scene of incredible characters. I'm really getting into your new character, Steven. It seems he has interesting gifts. Hopefully he will be a friend to the Breedline. Fantastic writing!
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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Great chapter Shana as always. You manage to take one exciting chapter to another thrilling scene of incredible characters. I'm really getting into your new character, Steven. It seems he has interesting gifts. Hopefully he will be a friend to the Breedline. Fantastic writing!
Comment Written 06-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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Thank you, ngage :)
It's always a joy hearing from you. Your encouraging feedback is the sunshine in my day. Stay tuned, Steven will be part of the story to come.
Thanks again my friend,
Shana :)
Comment from loismddavis
I recognized some fine writing with skill at writing dialog. I would like to read something you have written not in this genre for I guess I am too old to enjoy fantasy writing although I do admit it takes a lot of imagination. Your list of characters was mind boggling to comprehend all at one time.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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I recognized some fine writing with skill at writing dialog. I would like to read something you have written not in this genre for I guess I am too old to enjoy fantasy writing although I do admit it takes a lot of imagination. Your list of characters was mind boggling to comprehend all at one time.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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Thank you so much :)
It's nice to hear from someone new. And thanks for the encouraging words. Yes, this is the third series of the Novels of the Breedline. There is definitely a lot of characters and many adventures past. I've been thinking of writing something new maybe next year. I'm just not sure what genre I will venture out to.
Thanks again. It's a pleasure getting your feedback.
Shana :)
Comment from Natali Holden
Wow! That part at the end with Steven. I think I may have a new favorite character. But then again, this is one of those books that someone asks me, "who's your favorite character?" And I'm like, "I don't know!" Because I just love everyone or most everyone, not those people that tortured Steven, but pretty much everyone else, even Sebastian!
'When he finally broke the connection that linked their minds together, Helen instantly covered her mouth. "Dear God," she gasped into her hand. (")What they did to you was horrible." Lowering her hand, she shook her head. "How did you... do that?"' I loved it! Keep up the awesome work! I can't wait for more!
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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Wow! That part at the end with Steven. I think I may have a new favorite character. But then again, this is one of those books that someone asks me, "who's your favorite character?" And I'm like, "I don't know!" Because I just love everyone or most everyone, not those people that tortured Steven, but pretty much everyone else, even Sebastian!
'When he finally broke the connection that linked their minds together, Helen instantly covered her mouth. "Dear God," she gasped into her hand. (")What they did to you was horrible." Lowering her hand, she shook her head. "How did you... do that?"' I loved it! Keep up the awesome work! I can't wait for more!
Natali ;)
Comment Written 05-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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Thank you, Natali :)
So glad to hear you enjoy my character Steven. He is one of the good guys. You will flip when you find out how he is linked to the California Breedline Covenant. :) In the Prologue at the beginning of this series... there are hints.
You are like me when it comes to picking a favorite character. It's hard to just pick one. I usually have one good guy I really like and an alter ego I pick.
I just want to thank you for sticking with my story and all your encouraging feedback. Not everyone on FanStory is so dedicated or positive.
Thanks so much!
Shana :)
Comment from apky
Another fabulous chapter, darling. The only thing you need to watch out for is starting sentences with the -ing verb. It weakens the sentence, makes it passive.
Lost in thought, Celina kept her eyes trained in the distance, staring out the window.(delete-")
Sitting up in bed,]
Taking a deep breath,]
Leaning over,]
Glancing at the silverware and condiments,]
Avoid using the -ing verb to start sentences. Of course you can sprinkle them here and there, but maybe in the middle of a sentence, not at the beginning.
Steven stood stiffly, stretched his arms over his head, and arched to crack his spine back into place. ~ now, this is an active sentence!
"Where(Were) they like you?"
I enjoyed the read. Brilliant!
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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Another fabulous chapter, darling. The only thing you need to watch out for is starting sentences with the -ing verb. It weakens the sentence, makes it passive.
Lost in thought, Celina kept her eyes trained in the distance, staring out the window.(delete-")
Sitting up in bed,]
Taking a deep breath,]
Leaning over,]
Glancing at the silverware and condiments,]
Avoid using the -ing verb to start sentences. Of course you can sprinkle them here and there, but maybe in the middle of a sentence, not at the beginning.
Steven stood stiffly, stretched his arms over his head, and arched to crack his spine back into place. ~ now, this is an active sentence!
"Where(Were) they like you?"
I enjoyed the read. Brilliant!
Comment Written 05-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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Thank you so much! :)
It's good to get helpful advice. I do appreciate this. I do have a tendency to use a lot of -ing verb to start sentences. It's hard to break that habit, LOL! I am definitely changing that in my fourth series I'm working on now.
Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my chapter. I am so lucky to have you help me out and inspire me.
You're the best! Always your fan,
Shana :)
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The feeling is mutual, darling. I couldn't create the sort of amazing worlds you create! :)
