Change of Command
Outsider Not Welcome6 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
nice tension in the exchanges here. I think Wright may be wrong on this occasion...
Effective Immediately, I am being promoted - I don't think immediately need to be capitalised here.
It may be an idea to use a couple of speech tags in the opening exchanges to clearly delineate who is speaking during the three way conversation. this would also limit the amount of times you have to use titles and names in the dialogue, helping them to run smoother.
marked and unmarked units.None of the officers - watch your spacing here.
What's going on? Why do you have this many units here, Lieutenant? - need closing speech marks here.
  |
Hi there,
nice tension in the exchanges here. I think Wright may be wrong on this occasion...
Effective Immediately, I am being promoted - I don't think immediately need to be capitalised here.
It may be an idea to use a couple of speech tags in the opening exchanges to clearly delineate who is speaking during the three way conversation. this would also limit the amount of times you have to use titles and names in the dialogue, helping them to run smoother.
marked and unmarked units.None of the officers - watch your spacing here.
What's going on? Why do you have this many units here, Lieutenant? - need closing speech marks here.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2017
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Thesis
Nice meeting you it' good to read of how the change of command is not liked ,especially when it's a woman I liked how Susan Wright handled herself when she replied to the Deputy Chief
"I'll take my chances, Deputy Chief. Oh, and just a word for the future. Just because I wear a skirt, don't think I can't take care of myself."
Gert
|
Hello Thesis
Nice meeting you it' good to read of how the change of command is not liked ,especially when it's a woman I liked how Susan Wright handled herself when she replied to the Deputy Chief
"I'll take my chances, Deputy Chief. Oh, and just a word for the future. Just because I wear a skirt, don't think I can't take care of myself."
Gert
Comment Written 04-Sep-2017
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Everyone is getting the pecking order right. Now, the fireworks begin as the new line of authority is worked out. It will be interesting to see this play out. I guess we won't get to. I just noticed that it's flash fiction.
|
Everyone is getting the pecking order right. Now, the fireworks begin as the new line of authority is worked out. It will be interesting to see this play out. I guess we won't get to. I just noticed that it's flash fiction.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2017
Comment from Sis Cat
Wow, this is a surprising write from you. Last week I finished reading Chester Himes' black Harlem detective series featuring Gravedigger Jones and Coffin Ed Johnson, so I a familiar with all of the police department lingo and conflicts. This made my read more enjoyable, as if I was reading another chapter of Himes. That you mastered the language, characters, and setting is masterful. I can hear these characters. Although you do not describe them, I can see them by their conversation that evokes personality:
"I'll take my chances, Deputy Chief. Oh, and just a word for the future. Just because I wear a skirt, don't think I can't take care of myself."
"Well, you're going to get that chance to prove how big your balls really are then, when his team finds out that you suspended their boss."
I like the twist at the end with the show of force:
"A show of force for whom, Lieutenant?"
"Those who wish to do us harm, ma'am."
This is a well composed and compelling story. I wish you would write more.
Thank you for sharing. I wish you contest success with this fine entry.
|
Wow, this is a surprising write from you. Last week I finished reading Chester Himes' black Harlem detective series featuring Gravedigger Jones and Coffin Ed Johnson, so I a familiar with all of the police department lingo and conflicts. This made my read more enjoyable, as if I was reading another chapter of Himes. That you mastered the language, characters, and setting is masterful. I can hear these characters. Although you do not describe them, I can see them by their conversation that evokes personality:
"I'll take my chances, Deputy Chief. Oh, and just a word for the future. Just because I wear a skirt, don't think I can't take care of myself."
"Well, you're going to get that chance to prove how big your balls really are then, when his team finds out that you suspended their boss."
I like the twist at the end with the show of force:
"A show of force for whom, Lieutenant?"
"Those who wish to do us harm, ma'am."
This is a well composed and compelling story. I wish you would write more.
Thank you for sharing. I wish you contest success with this fine entry.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2017
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I do believe she asked for more than she bargained for. I did enjoy reading your well written contest entry. You are the master of writing short fiction. Great job. Good luck with the contest.
 |
I do believe she asked for more than she bargained for. I did enjoy reading your well written contest entry. You are the master of writing short fiction. Great job. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2017
Comment from c_lucas
When new at a job, Don't mess with the status quo. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is good imagery and descriptive scheme.
|
When new at a job, Don't mess with the status quo. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2017
