Selections For Book Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 41 "After Birth of a Nation"possible selections for inclusion in book project
39 total reviews
Comment from Nancylister
The imagery is riveting. The bit about what's in the soul not being silenced, is heartbreakingly true. But I am afraid we are going backwards. Keep speaking, Michael. It;s only the voices of we who believe in "ALL are created equal, that offer any hope. I always loved Kermit's 'It's not easy being green." song.
Maybe if we WERE all green . . .
  |
The imagery is riveting. The bit about what's in the soul not being silenced, is heartbreakingly true. But I am afraid we are going backwards. Keep speaking, Michael. It;s only the voices of we who believe in "ALL are created equal, that offer any hope. I always loved Kermit's 'It's not easy being green." song.
Maybe if we WERE all green . . .
Comment Written 31-Aug-2017
Comment from RGstar
I don't think you really needed to elaborate so much in your author's notes as it may look as some sort of defence of what you were writing through some difficult stages of American history which directly linked with other nations history, as mostly the case with history itself.
One has to give you credit for taking on such periods and events, for even though satire, difficult are the subjects touched, and in so doing, unconsciously, the narrator will always have own agenda, opinions or angle, whatever they are, on show where not even in a satirical way can it be hidden, it only leaves the reader the taste to form own conclusion as to what and if.
These are difficult subjects to undertake, for not only the periods they mark, but also the view or the narrators view on Lincoln, which may be funny to some but not others, depending on which angle it is seen from. These were very difficult subjects to write satire of, for one does leave oneself open to wonder of personal view... and stating patriotism does not make things easier when attaching titles like 'thugs and hate Mongers of which might not be clear in whom, whether already mentioned or implied.
These are some of the pitfalls of satire, and it always brings about debate that may bark up the wrong tree....or even hit the right note...or parts of.
This was a long work that took up issues and areas one would deem controversial, and in a writers world, only oneself will know the feel and reasoning, as well the emphasis meant... but the longer it goes, the more exposed it becomes in being perceived as personal, though should just be for fun. meant.
You took on a difficult subject...or subjects. I have not read a single review yet, for always I review first before, on occasions, go in and read others.
As a work , without looking at any personal aspect, devoid of opinion, regardless of the subject matter, you did a good job in the context of satire alone. Good change in rhythm at various stages. Good outbursts at the different angles ridicule (in a humorous manner) at certain parts, which is what satire is about.
On this I judge with emphasis that a lot of work has gone into this.
Had it been of a subject matter that I would appealing, this may have got a six, but it wasn't, for me, or shall I say, it was not based on enjoyment, but respect for the author and a satire presented well.
RGstar
 |
I don't think you really needed to elaborate so much in your author's notes as it may look as some sort of defence of what you were writing through some difficult stages of American history which directly linked with other nations history, as mostly the case with history itself.
One has to give you credit for taking on such periods and events, for even though satire, difficult are the subjects touched, and in so doing, unconsciously, the narrator will always have own agenda, opinions or angle, whatever they are, on show where not even in a satirical way can it be hidden, it only leaves the reader the taste to form own conclusion as to what and if.
These are difficult subjects to undertake, for not only the periods they mark, but also the view or the narrators view on Lincoln, which may be funny to some but not others, depending on which angle it is seen from. These were very difficult subjects to write satire of, for one does leave oneself open to wonder of personal view... and stating patriotism does not make things easier when attaching titles like 'thugs and hate Mongers of which might not be clear in whom, whether already mentioned or implied.
These are some of the pitfalls of satire, and it always brings about debate that may bark up the wrong tree....or even hit the right note...or parts of.
This was a long work that took up issues and areas one would deem controversial, and in a writers world, only oneself will know the feel and reasoning, as well the emphasis meant... but the longer it goes, the more exposed it becomes in being perceived as personal, though should just be for fun. meant.
You took on a difficult subject...or subjects. I have not read a single review yet, for always I review first before, on occasions, go in and read others.
As a work , without looking at any personal aspect, devoid of opinion, regardless of the subject matter, you did a good job in the context of satire alone. Good change in rhythm at various stages. Good outbursts at the different angles ridicule (in a humorous manner) at certain parts, which is what satire is about.
On this I judge with emphasis that a lot of work has gone into this.
Had it been of a subject matter that I would appealing, this may have got a six, but it wasn't, for me, or shall I say, it was not based on enjoyment, but respect for the author and a satire presented well.
RGstar
Comment Written 31-Aug-2017
Comment from rama devi
WOW, Mikey, this is an outstanding poem on many levels. It's intense, effective, dramatic, satirical, immensely original and well voiced. Good flow. Fantastic phrasing phonetics with poetic devices (too many to list all, as I have other suggestions relating to punctuation).
The inconsistency with punctuation makes this not as smooth a read as it could be. Since the voicing is very prose-like, I strongly recommend prose-like punctuation choices would serve the poem best.
Powerful presentation. A memorable write. Definitely six star caliber potential but it need fine tuning and a technical level, IMHO.
NOTES
*
don't hold back(,) soldier ...
shoot your load!
Good rhyme and phrasing in general, dear Mikey, especially here:
'Twas yester eve we donned our Whigs
and waved our pens
like dandy figs.
I like your creative license with inqueeried.
*
scalping our cool doos;
does
*
quick(,) put that quill right in my hand."
*
we rule this berg(,) without a doubt.
Intense:
Our women do just what we say;
they cook and clean and spread their legs.
Good satirical song reference:
This land was made for you and me.
Love this inventive rhyming (also note spag suggestions):
"Now, Tom, it would sound braggadocios,
and we mustn't sound like we're precocious.
Let's word this parchment with panache,
with pride and honour, just a dash.
Let freedom ring,(NO COMMA) (of course for us)(;)
we'll keep control(,) not make a fuss;
we'll talk of rights and freedoms too.
It's understood ... they're not for you". (period inside quotes)
*
"What will we do(,) this dude's so swell?"
*
"Oh, let him sign(;) he's served us well,
Love this intensity and prose-like bridge...dramatic: (note spag too)
And lo the Hedonites did dwell in the netherworld of darkness where Machiavelli's ghost lit candles and giggled in the sweaty darkness. Jeff had sons and Adam's apples found their way onto the limbs of forbidden trees. Until one day the train derailed on a split spike nail and came upon a man with an axe to grind. He grappled with some kind of morality in its totality and thus(,) reading between the lines(,) his vision of truth came to be and Kierkegaard was finally buried to live again.
*hit it(,) dudes ... DEBATE!
*
in an unbalanced plight(,)
and the crate
creaks as you gain height
and attempt a fight(.)
Amazing stanza (so unique!)--note one spag:
But, Lincoln, your stinkin' thinkin'
is going to cause some blinkin'
when the people understand what
you are saying and the threat
of freedom screws the free and
sets in motion liberty for them that
gots shall get that didn't think
they'd ever got(,) well hell(,) you fuckin' snot(,)
you're going to screw
the whole thing up now, don't you see?
Amazing stanza too (also, note nits):
Lincoln, thee and me,
that's how it's supposed to be(;)
what a mess will soon commence
when you break down every fence
and call every person equal(; or .)
OHHHHHH the sequel scares the founders
who just meant to keep things
rolling like they rolled, now it will flounder
cause you think that black is white(,)
you damn fool(,) must you be right?
Glory, glory(,) how'd she do ya.
Holy moley(,) what a stupid fuckin' hat;
broke it off a stove(,) whatcha think of that?
AMAZING LINE: Time passed and the illusion of victory came upon the United States as though the name implied a truth.
*awesome stanza and phonetics too...note nits:
What lives in the depths of souls
does not die(,)
it waits to be
unleashed(,)
then it flourishes
if there is fuel to feed it(.)
*spag suggestions:
The Clansmen were a marchin', marchin'(,)
and they burned a cross(,) singin' glory be(,)
and they found a tree(,)
and they hung a black man
singin' ain't no way you're better'n me!
*AMAZING closing stanza and the repeat is effective too (note nits too):
t(T)here were mirrors on the
hobnail boots of the nigger as he swung(,)
and the fire from the cross
sparkled like the sun(,)
and the gleaming from the
eyes shone behind the sheets
of the righteous few
who patrolled the streets
and kept them safe from
the riff raff trying to infiltrate(--)
nuthin' new, just them
what don't belong
lookin' for free rides
and they come
from many sides,
from many sides
Just amazed by this. Standing ovation, my friend.
Warmly, rd
|
WOW, Mikey, this is an outstanding poem on many levels. It's intense, effective, dramatic, satirical, immensely original and well voiced. Good flow. Fantastic phrasing phonetics with poetic devices (too many to list all, as I have other suggestions relating to punctuation).
The inconsistency with punctuation makes this not as smooth a read as it could be. Since the voicing is very prose-like, I strongly recommend prose-like punctuation choices would serve the poem best.
Powerful presentation. A memorable write. Definitely six star caliber potential but it need fine tuning and a technical level, IMHO.
NOTES
*
don't hold back(,) soldier ...
shoot your load!
Good rhyme and phrasing in general, dear Mikey, especially here:
'Twas yester eve we donned our Whigs
and waved our pens
like dandy figs.
I like your creative license with inqueeried.
*
scalping our cool doos;
does
*
quick(,) put that quill right in my hand."
*
we rule this berg(,) without a doubt.
Intense:
Our women do just what we say;
they cook and clean and spread their legs.
Good satirical song reference:
This land was made for you and me.
Love this inventive rhyming (also note spag suggestions):
"Now, Tom, it would sound braggadocios,
and we mustn't sound like we're precocious.
Let's word this parchment with panache,
with pride and honour, just a dash.
Let freedom ring,(NO COMMA) (of course for us)(;)
we'll keep control(,) not make a fuss;
we'll talk of rights and freedoms too.
It's understood ... they're not for you". (period inside quotes)
*
"What will we do(,) this dude's so swell?"
*
"Oh, let him sign(;) he's served us well,
Love this intensity and prose-like bridge...dramatic: (note spag too)
And lo the Hedonites did dwell in the netherworld of darkness where Machiavelli's ghost lit candles and giggled in the sweaty darkness. Jeff had sons and Adam's apples found their way onto the limbs of forbidden trees. Until one day the train derailed on a split spike nail and came upon a man with an axe to grind. He grappled with some kind of morality in its totality and thus(,) reading between the lines(,) his vision of truth came to be and Kierkegaard was finally buried to live again.
*hit it(,) dudes ... DEBATE!
*
in an unbalanced plight(,)
and the crate
creaks as you gain height
and attempt a fight(.)
Amazing stanza (so unique!)--note one spag:
But, Lincoln, your stinkin' thinkin'
is going to cause some blinkin'
when the people understand what
you are saying and the threat
of freedom screws the free and
sets in motion liberty for them that
gots shall get that didn't think
they'd ever got(,) well hell(,) you fuckin' snot(,)
you're going to screw
the whole thing up now, don't you see?
Amazing stanza too (also, note nits):
Lincoln, thee and me,
that's how it's supposed to be(;)
what a mess will soon commence
when you break down every fence
and call every person equal(; or .)
OHHHHHH the sequel scares the founders
who just meant to keep things
rolling like they rolled, now it will flounder
cause you think that black is white(,)
you damn fool(,) must you be right?
Glory, glory(,) how'd she do ya.
Holy moley(,) what a stupid fuckin' hat;
broke it off a stove(,) whatcha think of that?
AMAZING LINE: Time passed and the illusion of victory came upon the United States as though the name implied a truth.
*awesome stanza and phonetics too...note nits:
What lives in the depths of souls
does not die(,)
it waits to be
unleashed(,)
then it flourishes
if there is fuel to feed it(.)
*spag suggestions:
The Clansmen were a marchin', marchin'(,)
and they burned a cross(,) singin' glory be(,)
and they found a tree(,)
and they hung a black man
singin' ain't no way you're better'n me!
*AMAZING closing stanza and the repeat is effective too (note nits too):
t(T)here were mirrors on the
hobnail boots of the nigger as he swung(,)
and the fire from the cross
sparkled like the sun(,)
and the gleaming from the
eyes shone behind the sheets
of the righteous few
who patrolled the streets
and kept them safe from
the riff raff trying to infiltrate(--)
nuthin' new, just them
what don't belong
lookin' for free rides
and they come
from many sides,
from many sides
Just amazed by this. Standing ovation, my friend.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 30-Aug-2017
Comment from poetsteve15
you are the first one to get low star rating from me but I do think it is will earned at that. I know we have freedom speech but that does give you right put all of that hate here. I will pray for you anyways that you find some light in your eyes other then skin color.
you are right, I am wrong to use this room in this way it should been on your writing. I still don't like hate it shows to me. but I will base more on your writing then by what says. I still can not give it above 4 sorry That is just how I feel. I do hope see more of your writing so I can get base of what you can do. I will put you as a fan for a bit. I don't want one poem to be what remember
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
 |
you are the first one to get low star rating from me but I do think it is will earned at that. I know we have freedom speech but that does give you right put all of that hate here. I will pray for you anyways that you find some light in your eyes other then skin color.
you are right, I am wrong to use this room in this way it should been on your writing. I still don't like hate it shows to me. but I will base more on your writing then by what says. I still can not give it above 4 sorry That is just how I feel. I do hope see more of your writing so I can get base of what you can do. I will put you as a fan for a bit. I don't want one poem to be what remember
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
-
Yep, you sure have me dead to rights. I abhor hate groups of every kind, the KKK, the neo Nazis, the white supremacists and ALL who supported and participated in slavery. I see you take exception to that and find it somehow racist in some way, not to mention an a front to my own Christian values. I didn't form any of those groups or support slavery in any way. What is it you contend I'm prejudice and spreading hatred against?
AND, by the way, I appreciate that you have your opinion and point of view, but this is supposed to be a review of writing skills and NOT an assessment of content.
In any case, thanks for reading and offering your thoughts. mike
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Sorry, I'm out of sixes, Mikey, this was an amazing poem. I'm not American but know some of your history. It seems as if America is going full circle now with a President who is dividing his own country, that is how it looks from the outside looking in. Not that we have any better candidates leading our country. This was really superb writing, my friend. Well done. (I hope you aren't living in or around Texas, it sound awful there.) Big hugs, Sandra xxx
|
Sorry, I'm out of sixes, Mikey, this was an amazing poem. I'm not American but know some of your history. It seems as if America is going full circle now with a President who is dividing his own country, that is how it looks from the outside looking in. Not that we have any better candidates leading our country. This was really superb writing, my friend. Well done. (I hope you aren't living in or around Texas, it sound awful there.) Big hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment Written 30-Aug-2017
Comment from Oatmeal
michaelcahill,
You did a wonderful job with this challenge. The flow was very nice. The theme was good. The rhyming was one or two but always changing.It can be however you want. The artwork complemented your poem.
There was no SPAG.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
|
michaelcahill,
You did a wonderful job with this challenge. The flow was very nice. The theme was good. The rhyming was one or two but always changing.It can be however you want. The artwork complemented your poem.
There was no SPAG.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
Comment from frierajac
It looks like you are reveling in the violence of your expressive satirical dialectic. which is supposed to be the healthy American way. It is about the resistence of the past and the values that were once good and beneficial. Remember Ben said, " Beer
is proof that God exists and that He loves you" . At least one value that has been retained through time.
|
It looks like you are reveling in the violence of your expressive satirical dialectic. which is supposed to be the healthy American way. It is about the resistence of the past and the values that were once good and beneficial. Remember Ben said, " Beer
is proof that God exists and that He loves you" . At least one value that has been retained through time.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
Comment from estory
This is a piece that stirs many emotions, cleverly done in a variety of styles mashed together that is emblematic of the way the country is being kind of mashed together. In the end, I have to say, it doesn't look like we are getting very far. 150 years after the civil war, we still seem to be here arguing about it. Actually, in 5,000 years, we haven't gotten very far. It is, in my opinion, the most dangerous time for the country since the Civil War. the left and right are so polarized, the politicians so corrupt, the leadership non existent, I really don't see a way out. The world needs Jesus in my opinion. Stop thinking about ourselves and start thinking about other people. estory
|
This is a piece that stirs many emotions, cleverly done in a variety of styles mashed together that is emblematic of the way the country is being kind of mashed together. In the end, I have to say, it doesn't look like we are getting very far. 150 years after the civil war, we still seem to be here arguing about it. Actually, in 5,000 years, we haven't gotten very far. It is, in my opinion, the most dangerous time for the country since the Civil War. the left and right are so polarized, the politicians so corrupt, the leadership non existent, I really don't see a way out. The world needs Jesus in my opinion. Stop thinking about ourselves and start thinking about other people. estory
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
Comment from evesayshi
In my opinion, while the writing is electric in its drama and emotionally charged presentation, expressing the writer's inner rage and discontent artfully and with deliberate detail, I am confused by the structure. The poem is identified as "Free Verse," but rhymes in spots..
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In my opinion, while the writing is electric in its drama and emotionally charged presentation, expressing the writer's inner rage and discontent artfully and with deliberate detail, I am confused by the structure. The poem is identified as "Free Verse," but rhymes in spots..
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
Comment from pipersfancy
Had to return to this piece three times, Mikey, before coming up with something to say in response to it... Still, I don't really know what to say (but, some might argue that the mere fact that I feel a need to respond is response in and of itself... and confirmation of the power in this work.)
One tiny suggestion for your consideration:
The KKK was a marchin', marchin'
vs
The Clansmen were a marchin', marchin'
Seems (in my opinion) that "Clansmen" brings you right back to the title of the work (since, "Birth of a Nation" was originally titled "The Clansmen"). Also, seems to lend a sense subtlety to the work... and, if nothing else, your work is always powerfully subtle, Mikey!! LOL!
Warm regards,
pf
|
Had to return to this piece three times, Mikey, before coming up with something to say in response to it... Still, I don't really know what to say (but, some might argue that the mere fact that I feel a need to respond is response in and of itself... and confirmation of the power in this work.)
One tiny suggestion for your consideration:
The KKK was a marchin', marchin'
vs
The Clansmen were a marchin', marchin'
Seems (in my opinion) that "Clansmen" brings you right back to the title of the work (since, "Birth of a Nation" was originally titled "The Clansmen"). Also, seems to lend a sense subtlety to the work... and, if nothing else, your work is always powerfully subtle, Mikey!! LOL!
Warm regards,
pf
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
