Unleashed Chaos
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "John Doe/Part Two"A Novel of the Breedline Series
6 total reviews
Comment from Natali Holden
That's so awesome! I'm liking this John Doe fellow. I wonder what all he can do; sifting through memories, glowing, awesomeness, etc. I can't wait for more! Each chapter is better than the last and each chapter makes me want more. You're such an awesome novelist, Shana! Keep it up!
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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That's so awesome! I'm liking this John Doe fellow. I wonder what all he can do; sifting through memories, glowing, awesomeness, etc. I can't wait for more! Each chapter is better than the last and each chapter makes me want more. You're such an awesome novelist, Shana! Keep it up!
Natali ;)
Comment Written 22-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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Thank you Miss Natali :)
Your feedback is such a pleasure to read. You give me so much confidence and shine when I write. So glad you like my new character. Steven will play a big part in the adventures to come. You will be shocked when you find out who he is. Thank you my friend. I hope to keep you excited to continue reading about the Breedline.
Shana :)
Comment from royowen
Hi Shana, I'm a little late reviewing this. It looks like John Doe has an obvious ability, but what others does he have? Tim tells Helen they'll have to keep him from the other breedline people. I wonder if Sebastian will concur with Eve's desires to harm anyone, or, as you suggest it's just a half truth, excellent scribing Shana, great progression, and creatively good, as always, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
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Hi Shana, I'm a little late reviewing this. It looks like John Doe has an obvious ability, but what others does he have? Tim tells Helen they'll have to keep him from the other breedline people. I wonder if Sebastian will concur with Eve's desires to harm anyone, or, as you suggest it's just a half truth, excellent scribing Shana, great progression, and creatively good, as always, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 22-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
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Thank you my dear friend :)
I really enjoy writing about this particular character. You will be shocked when you find out who he really is. Stay tuned!
Always the highlight of my day when I get feedback from you.
Always your fan,
Shana :)
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Well done Shana
Comment from apky
Another marvellous chapter.
Your description of John Doe as he read's Tim's entire history by getting into Tim's mind was absolutel riveting.
The patient took a deep breath, and then another. Then his eyes began to glow, shifting over at Tim, and he stilled as if the patient had willed him to do so. He locked his stare on the patient's eyes as a wave of Tim's memories flashed before him. It was if he was watching his past life rush forward at warp speed.
Brilliant. Here's a little correction:
"I won't be a part of(to) any more deaths," she demanded, anger surging, her words biting in the silence.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
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Another marvellous chapter.
Your description of John Doe as he read's Tim's entire history by getting into Tim's mind was absolutel riveting.
The patient took a deep breath, and then another. Then his eyes began to glow, shifting over at Tim, and he stilled as if the patient had willed him to do so. He locked his stare on the patient's eyes as a wave of Tim's memories flashed before him. It was if he was watching his past life rush forward at warp speed.
Brilliant. Here's a little correction:
"I won't be a part of(to) any more deaths," she demanded, anger surging, her words biting in the silence.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
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Thank you so much :)
Wow... your feedback brought the sunshine back into my gloomy day my friend. I really appreciate your help and the time you take out of your day to read my chapters. My smile returns!
Your fan,
Shana :)
Comment from rwilliam
First I have to say, I love that your sweetie gets to be a character in your book. How fun. Love it. :-)
Nice photo for this chapter.
I have to say, I just love the way your creative mind works. You take the story in twists and turns I'd NEVER thought of. You never get bored and you keep me off balance. I like that. Usually I can tell what's coming. NOT with your work. LOVE IT!!
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
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First I have to say, I love that your sweetie gets to be a character in your book. How fun. Love it. :-)
Nice photo for this chapter.
I have to say, I just love the way your creative mind works. You take the story in twists and turns I'd NEVER thought of. You never get bored and you keep me off balance. I like that. Usually I can tell what's coming. NOT with your work. LOVE IT!!
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
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Oh wow! Thank you girl :)
Yes... Carl has become part of the Breedline adventures, even though he's not a doctor. Lol!
I had a hard time finding a photo to go with this chapter. Glad you liked it. Thanks for all your encouraging words. I'm cracking a big happy smile. BTW, I miss your writing.
Shana :)
Comment from ngage
First, the picture caught my attention. Goes great with your chapter.
I really enjoyed part two as much as the first part. John Doe or Steven is a very interesting and creative character. Looking forward to see where you take his character in the story.
Hopefully he won't be a threat to the Breedline.
Now that Eve is aware of Sebastian's sinister plans for their son, will she try to seek help and warn Tessa?
Your story always manages to captivate me and continue to bring me back for more.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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First, the picture caught my attention. Goes great with your chapter.
I really enjoyed part two as much as the first part. John Doe or Steven is a very interesting and creative character. Looking forward to see where you take his character in the story.
Hopefully he won't be a threat to the Breedline.
Now that Eve is aware of Sebastian's sinister plans for their son, will she try to seek help and warn Tessa?
Your story always manages to captivate me and continue to bring me back for more.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Thank you my friend :)
Your feedback always lifts my spirits and keeps me inspired. You're truly a ray of sunshine.
Hugs,
Shana :)
Comment from robyn corum
Shana,
This was an interesting chapter in your on-going series. I don't usually get into too much fantasy like this, but I like the way it's taking place on earth and in, otherwise, normal situations. Makes it quite fascinating! *smile*
I did happen to notice several small nits or things for you to check on, if you won't mind my pointing them out?
1.) Now, unconscious in the hospital without an identity, Dr. Helen Carrington discovers Steven
--> the first portion of your sentence applies to the patient, but, the way it's written, it COULD also apply to the doctor. Be careful using muddy phrases like this. Be sure that everything is clear and concise.
2.) Dr. Helen Carrington discovers Steven--whom they call John Doe--(has) the same healing abilities
3.) Before Helen left the hospital, she sat in her car in silence.
--> This sounds like she's sitting in her car inside the hospital
4.) "I think I know someone (who) can help us."
--> when referring to people/human-types, please use 'who' instead of 'that. The only time this isn't true is in actual dialogue, like here. So you are welcome to leave it as is, as long as you are aware of what's correct. *smile*
5.) John Doe came awake in an out-of-body (moment/experience), becoming fully conscious,
6.) There was such a desperate edge to his expression, like the way a small animal (looks) trapped in a cage.
7.) I also noticed you have a tendency to use the same sentence structure over and over. As shown below, you often begin a sentence with a short phrase, then 'comma' and then finish the sentence:
***
[First, there was a long silence,] followed by stumbled words she barely understood, and then he managed to say, "This is great news, Helen."
[Before she could respond,] a Channel Fourteen News van tore into the parking lot at a dead run. [When it hung a left into the visitor parking], its brake lights flared when it came to a screeching stop.
News vans didn't show up in a rush like that because of something ordinary. Helen had a crushing prescience that something got leaked out about the patient in room eleven.
[Glancing up,] she saw Carl walking toward her car. [He stood outside Helen's window,] and no words were spoken, which meant he probably thought the same thing she did.
[Stepping out of her car,] Helen spoke quietly into the phone, "Hang on Tim. I believe we might have a problem."
--> it may seem like a small thing, but publishers notice and will not be as pleased.
Hope this all helps! Thanks!
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Shana,
This was an interesting chapter in your on-going series. I don't usually get into too much fantasy like this, but I like the way it's taking place on earth and in, otherwise, normal situations. Makes it quite fascinating! *smile*
I did happen to notice several small nits or things for you to check on, if you won't mind my pointing them out?
1.) Now, unconscious in the hospital without an identity, Dr. Helen Carrington discovers Steven
--> the first portion of your sentence applies to the patient, but, the way it's written, it COULD also apply to the doctor. Be careful using muddy phrases like this. Be sure that everything is clear and concise.
2.) Dr. Helen Carrington discovers Steven--whom they call John Doe--(has) the same healing abilities
3.) Before Helen left the hospital, she sat in her car in silence.
--> This sounds like she's sitting in her car inside the hospital
4.) "I think I know someone (who) can help us."
--> when referring to people/human-types, please use 'who' instead of 'that. The only time this isn't true is in actual dialogue, like here. So you are welcome to leave it as is, as long as you are aware of what's correct. *smile*
5.) John Doe came awake in an out-of-body (moment/experience), becoming fully conscious,
6.) There was such a desperate edge to his expression, like the way a small animal (looks) trapped in a cage.
7.) I also noticed you have a tendency to use the same sentence structure over and over. As shown below, you often begin a sentence with a short phrase, then 'comma' and then finish the sentence:
***
[First, there was a long silence,] followed by stumbled words she barely understood, and then he managed to say, "This is great news, Helen."
[Before she could respond,] a Channel Fourteen News van tore into the parking lot at a dead run. [When it hung a left into the visitor parking], its brake lights flared when it came to a screeching stop.
News vans didn't show up in a rush like that because of something ordinary. Helen had a crushing prescience that something got leaked out about the patient in room eleven.
[Glancing up,] she saw Carl walking toward her car. [He stood outside Helen's window,] and no words were spoken, which meant he probably thought the same thing she did.
[Stepping out of her car,] Helen spoke quietly into the phone, "Hang on Tim. I believe we might have a problem."
--> it may seem like a small thing, but publishers notice and will not be as pleased.
Hope this all helps! Thanks!
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Thank you Robyn :)
