Pale Sisters
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "The Release"Science fiction.
17 total reviews
Comment from Thomas Bowling
A very good story with an unexpected twist at the end. I like stories with a twist. A little more background about the relationship would have been nice. but that would have given the surprise away.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
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A very good story with an unexpected twist at the end. I like stories with a twist. A little more background about the relationship would have been nice. but that would have given the surprise away.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
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Thanks, Thomas, for reviewing this. Bill
Comment from Ulla
Wow, Bill, that was a surprise. What a twist you came up with here. I now wonder who got killed. I suppose it must have been Heidi Lake. Diane sure has connections. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
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Wow, Bill, that was a surprise. What a twist you came up with here. I now wonder who got killed. I suppose it must have been Heidi Lake. Diane sure has connections. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 22-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
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Thanks, Ulla
Comment from emptypage
Oh. My. God.
This was a surprise. She got out?
You pulled off a great ruse here, Bill. I loved it.
I was not expecting it in the least, but I loved it.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Oh. My. God.
This was a surprise. She got out?
You pulled off a great ruse here, Bill. I loved it.
I was not expecting it in the least, but I loved it.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Thanks, EP, for letting me know you liked this. I was hoping for the surprise effect. Bill
Comment from bluedragon776
Wow this is a great chapter. I can see that Diana has some connections. So who was the woman who died in her place? Heidi Lake I guess? Anyway, this chapter was well written, exciting and short. It didn't go on an eternity like some book chapters on this site.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Wow this is a great chapter. I can see that Diana has some connections. So who was the woman who died in her place? Heidi Lake I guess? Anyway, this chapter was well written, exciting and short. It didn't go on an eternity like some book chapters on this site.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Heidi Lake was killed by the warden via Queen Deana. Last chapter they both died trying to kill Diana Camp. So, the irony is that the warden's I'll-fated plan freed her.
Comment from Mabaker
I feel this was a part of a whole that I've not read before, so I didn't know the characters. I'll look up the rest one day and fill in the parts I missed.
Good writing with intelligent wording. Regards Mabaker
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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I feel this was a part of a whole that I've not read before, so I didn't know the characters. I'll look up the rest one day and fill in the parts I missed.
Good writing with intelligent wording. Regards Mabaker
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Thanks, Ma.
Comment from Charley489
I enjoyed this work. I do have a few suggestions - from a real novice, me.
The following sentence seems a bit off:
He was not going on with his studies until he knew all of what was going on.
I think the "all" is throwing it off. Perhaps until he knew all. or, until he knew what was going on. but not both?
Recommend editing the following:
"Yes. You are here because your father allowed you to meet and talk to Diana Camp. Now, like some love-struck puppy dog you are sniffing around trying to investigate something you know nothing about."
"Yes. You are here because your father allowed you to meet and talk to Diana Camp. Now, like some love-struck puppy dog you are sniffing around trying to stick your wet nose into something you know nothing about."
(sounds like something that would be said - plus it ties to love struck puppy. (in fact you could delete the word dog)
I love finding hidden clues. Perhaps changing Heidi Lake to Heidi Davidson. This could later provide a link between the two last names Camp - David?
But like I said I am a novice.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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I enjoyed this work. I do have a few suggestions - from a real novice, me.
The following sentence seems a bit off:
He was not going on with his studies until he knew all of what was going on.
I think the "all" is throwing it off. Perhaps until he knew all. or, until he knew what was going on. but not both?
Recommend editing the following:
"Yes. You are here because your father allowed you to meet and talk to Diana Camp. Now, like some love-struck puppy dog you are sniffing around trying to investigate something you know nothing about."
"Yes. You are here because your father allowed you to meet and talk to Diana Camp. Now, like some love-struck puppy dog you are sniffing around trying to stick your wet nose into something you know nothing about."
(sounds like something that would be said - plus it ties to love struck puppy. (in fact you could delete the word dog)
I love finding hidden clues. Perhaps changing Heidi Lake to Heidi Davidson. This could later provide a link between the two last names Camp - David?
But like I said I am a novice.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Thanks, Charley, for giving this a thorough read. I agree the first sentence you pointed out is a bit rough. I will smooth it out. The second sentence, where you extended the puppy metaphor, sounds just a bit much for a story. If it were a poem, I might keep that going.
The character's name, Heidi Lake, was killed off by the former warden. Now, through the confusion and willful altering of records, Diana Camp can escape her would-be killers by changing places with the dead woman. I see the link on the names you suggested, but I'm not sure anyone would catch that.
I love that you got into this review, and I appreciate your suggestions. Bill
Comment from nomi338
Wait what? I must have missed something. How? What? When? This is a surprising development. You got me with this one. I am going to have to go back and reread some past posts to get caught up.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Wait what? I must have missed something. How? What? When? This is a surprising development. You got me with this one. I am going to have to go back and reread some past posts to get caught up.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Thanks for giving it a look.
Comment from apky
This seems to be getting more tangled yet again.
I'm left wondering if there are more intrigues abou the dead warden, the guards and Camp, who certainly doesn't sound dead to me, and this limousine.
"Any suggestions for me(add ?; delete,)" asked the soon-to-be-released young woman.
Excellent weaving here, Bill.
Eager for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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This seems to be getting more tangled yet again.
I'm left wondering if there are more intrigues abou the dead warden, the guards and Camp, who certainly doesn't sound dead to me, and this limousine.
"Any suggestions for me(add ?; delete,)" asked the soon-to-be-released young woman.
Excellent weaving here, Bill.
Eager for the next chapter.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Fixed it. Thanks.
Comment from JDRBAR
This story continues to be quite interesting, although still confusing in spots. Who was this Heidi Lake that Diana has now taken over, and what is her ultimate goal?
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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This story continues to be quite interesting, although still confusing in spots. Who was this Heidi Lake that Diana has now taken over, and what is her ultimate goal?
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Heidi was killed by Queen Deana a couple of chapters back. In the confusion, it's possible to forge paperwork and flip the script on the Magfas agenda.
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Thank you
Comment from kiwigirl2821
This is a great chapter Bill. Strange that "Diana Camp" is being released as "Heidi Lake". I guess we will find out why shortly. Looking forward to the next chapter. xoxo deborah
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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This is a great chapter Bill. Strange that "Diana Camp" is being released as "Heidi Lake". I guess we will find out why shortly. Looking forward to the next chapter. xoxo deborah
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Heidi Lake was a prisoner killed by Queen Deana earlier. Her records and Camp's were altered during the confusion to eliminate the threat from Magfas.
