Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Young Love"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
8 total reviews
Comment from Ricky1024
Yeah they get blocked and not only enjoyed this first chapter but the fact that it was written for and it's about a real person who is no longer here and her little stories of being teased and whatever else is going to happen makes it even more enjoyable I got good theme and imagery and also flowed well had no grammar issues descriptive measures were perfect thanks for this talk to Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2017
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Yeah they get blocked and not only enjoyed this first chapter but the fact that it was written for and it's about a real person who is no longer here and her little stories of being teased and whatever else is going to happen makes it even more enjoyable I got good theme and imagery and also flowed well had no grammar issues descriptive measures were perfect thanks for this talk to Ricky 1024
Comment Written 18-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your nice review. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. Katelyn had a very hard life, a lot was her own doing. She wanted her story told, hoping to help others, and get this broken system fixed.
Thank you for your nice review, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Superb writing. I was thoroughly engrossed and entertained. It's hard to believe that Katelyn will have insurmountable problems later (suicide is my guess...right?). Her mom is a control freak, but others have survived worse. She definitely has a problem needing meds. Did you ever learn just what it was?
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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Superb writing. I was thoroughly engrossed and entertained. It's hard to believe that Katelyn will have insurmountable problems later (suicide is my guess...right?). Her mom is a control freak, but others have survived worse. She definitely has a problem needing meds. Did you ever learn just what it was?
Comment Written 23-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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Thank you for such a fantastic review. It's an honor to know you enjoyed it so much.
No, actually it was a car accident. We believe she was looking for drugs. She used to self-medicate a lot, like so many schizophrenics, she was suicidal on occasion when the voices in her head told her to. Paranoia was more her thing, thinking everyone is out to get her. Oh, she could come up with some wild stories always believing they're true.
I was advised to start the story further back, after reading the reviews I think that's a good idea. So I'm going to post the prologue next. It'll lead up to this chapter.
Thank you so much for such a remarkable review, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
It may be an idea to introduce the age of the Katelyn early on to help give a clearer picture for the reader. You don't waste time on other descriptions at this point which is fine but the age thing would be a nice addition.
secondhand working around it's facing.- second hand should be two words in this instance or hyphenated. Also it's should be its.
and starts chunking them at the boys - maybe chucking rather than chunking here.
Noticing a new pile of weaponry, her friend runs to her side - maybe her new or new found friend at this point rather than later on.
John's mouth starts watering, as he eyes the delightful treat - don't think you need the comma here.
"Katie does too, but when I tell on her, I hear "stop tattling on your sister." - you need a second set of speech marks at the end here to close off the dialogue. The ones here already only close off the quoted speech.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
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Hi there,
It may be an idea to introduce the age of the Katelyn early on to help give a clearer picture for the reader. You don't waste time on other descriptions at this point which is fine but the age thing would be a nice addition.
secondhand working around it's facing.- second hand should be two words in this instance or hyphenated. Also it's should be its.
and starts chunking them at the boys - maybe chucking rather than chunking here.
Noticing a new pile of weaponry, her friend runs to her side - maybe her new or new found friend at this point rather than later on.
John's mouth starts watering, as he eyes the delightful treat - don't think you need the comma here.
"Katie does too, but when I tell on her, I hear "stop tattling on your sister." - you need a second set of speech marks at the end here to close off the dialogue. The ones here already only close off the quoted speech.
All the best
G
Comment Written 22-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your nice review and all of your helpful suggestions.
You suggested I bring the readers in a little earlier. What would be the best way to do this as far as fan story is concerned to display the chapters correctly? Write it as a prologue or Chapter 1 and make this 2? Would either even work?
Thanks again for all your help and support it's always greatly appreciated, take care.
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I thought you'd like to know that I did like you suggested and went further back in Katelyn's life, that your advice wasn't a waste of time. Take care.
Comment from dracofelsinensis
A simple story well told, uplifting and realistic. School can be a trial for those with mental illness party because some kids are not always as nice as they might be. Those suffering from enforced proximity to cruel children would agree with the saying "Hell is other people" (from J-P Sartre's 'Huis Clos', in another context).
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
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A simple story well told, uplifting and realistic. School can be a trial for those with mental illness party because some kids are not always as nice as they might be. Those suffering from enforced proximity to cruel children would agree with the saying "Hell is other people" (from J-P Sartre's 'Huis Clos', in another context).
Comment Written 22-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
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Thank you so much for a great review. Kids can be very cruel. I think that sometimes their appalling behavior is a reflection of what they've been shown, learned behavior. Being tormented throughout school myself, I'd have to agree with the statement.Maybe life's torture was what brought my friend and me closer.
Thanks again for the nice review and the quote, take care.
Comment from apky
It's a great start and very engaging story. All you have to worry about in this chapter is consistency. When you chose present tense, you need to keep to it and not mix with past.
Another thing you should try to avoid is starting your sentences with the -ing verb. It's not wrong once in a while. But you tend to have a bit too many of them, also in the last story.
Keep it up!
"Leave me alone," she spat(spits - you've been on present POV, so stick to it), trying to break free of his grip.
"Leave me alone," she spat(spits - ditto. Perhaps add "again" since you've just used the same verb above. Otherwise, find another verb), trying to pull away.
Jeff spat(spits - ha ha ha, you have a thing with this verb, huh?), giving the intruder a quick once over.
so she wasn't(isn't) sure how to reply.
The shop was(is) decorated with an array of bright colors, giving it a warm, friendly appeal. Even the tables and chairs were(are) decorated with vivid patterns.
"No, they're just setting it up for the owners.(delete-")
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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It's a great start and very engaging story. All you have to worry about in this chapter is consistency. When you chose present tense, you need to keep to it and not mix with past.
Another thing you should try to avoid is starting your sentences with the -ing verb. It's not wrong once in a while. But you tend to have a bit too many of them, also in the last story.
Keep it up!
"Leave me alone," she spat(spits - you've been on present POV, so stick to it), trying to break free of his grip.
"Leave me alone," she spat(spits - ditto. Perhaps add "again" since you've just used the same verb above. Otherwise, find another verb), trying to pull away.
Jeff spat(spits - ha ha ha, you have a thing with this verb, huh?), giving the intruder a quick once over.
so she wasn't(isn't) sure how to reply.
The shop was(is) decorated with an array of bright colors, giving it a warm, friendly appeal. Even the tables and chairs were(are) decorated with vivid patterns.
"No, they're just setting it up for the owners.(delete-")
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your great review. I'll work on the ing thing. I didn't realize I was doing that so thanks for pointing that out. The spat thing, I want to show hate, disgust, anger, so how else could I write it?
Thanks again for all your support and helpful reviews, take care.
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Of course you can use it, but keep in the present tense - spit, which is to spit, past tense: spat. The hate is still there, and "spits" because it's third person singular.
Comment from hvysmker
Sometimes the bullies will cover her with dirt, saying they're going to bury the zombie once and for all.
*** Is that true? If so, you should explain now or later. Or is it a hallucination?
A little further down the sidewalk, her muscles begin to cramp.
*** farther. Farther is used for distance.
Not now, she begs, trying to ignore the burning sensation coursing through her legs.
*** I think you're using "the" too often where "a" would read better. Personally, I use an "a" the first time something is mentioned and "the" subsequently. A door the first time then the door after that.
Looking up, she realizes her house is only a few blocks away.
She'd just made it across the rusty tracks when she sees a familiar figure up ahead.
*** She's
"Leave me alone," she spat, trying to break free of his grip.
*** spits - present tense. Or is that the right word? Whimpers?
"Leave me alone," she spat, trying to pull away.
*** An exact repeat? Maybe add a "Please" and change the spat to "repeated"?
"What are you going to do about it, punk?" Jeff spat, giving the intruder a quick once over.
*** What's with all the spitting, he-he? All in past tense, yet?
Wiping the tears off her face, Katelyn starts slinging rocks at the bullies.
*** You're also using a lot of unnecessary "the"s. "Wiping tears" would work better.
"Look at the babies throwing rocks," Jeff laughs, trying to dodge the rubble flying from both sides.
*** baby. Only one of him. And the last the could be dropped.
Seeing a large pile of bricks, Katelyn runs over to them.
"Take that, you creep," she yells, watching the debris smack Larry's head.
*** Add something about her actually throwing them. Running over will not do.
Blushing, she looks towards the ground. She's never had a boy be nice to her, so she wasn't sure how to reply.
*** doesn't
The shop was decorated with an array of bright colors, giving it a warm, friendly appeal.
*** The shop IS. Tense.
Even the tables and chairs were decorated with vivid patterns.
*** ARE decorated. Tense.
Remembering his manors, John reaches for the door. "Ladies first."
*** manners. Manors are buildings.
His dark complexion and dusky eyes seem to magnify his white hair and his long fluffy beard.
*** Now, here you have too many "his"s, all of which can be eliminated. "A dark complexion and dusky eyes seem to magnify white hair and a long fluffy beard.
"Your mom and dad own this?" she asks, eyeing the expensive merchandise.
*** eying
His father peeks around the corner. "That's my boy, not even in school a whole day and he already has a girlfriend."
*** Is school over for the day for him, her, or both?
"Katie does too, but when I tell on her, I hear stop tattling on your sister."
*** Should the last part be in quotes?
"You stop sassing me, Katlyn Rose."
*** Katelyn
A good start. I've written a story about a relative of mine who committed suicide when I was only eight or ten. It's largely fiction since I hardly knew the girl, she was so much older that me. Her problem was in being homosexual back in the forties. Back then it was considered a mental problem. Being forced out of the closet destroyed her.
Charlie
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Sometimes the bullies will cover her with dirt, saying they're going to bury the zombie once and for all.
*** Is that true? If so, you should explain now or later. Or is it a hallucination?
A little further down the sidewalk, her muscles begin to cramp.
*** farther. Farther is used for distance.
Not now, she begs, trying to ignore the burning sensation coursing through her legs.
*** I think you're using "the" too often where "a" would read better. Personally, I use an "a" the first time something is mentioned and "the" subsequently. A door the first time then the door after that.
Looking up, she realizes her house is only a few blocks away.
She'd just made it across the rusty tracks when she sees a familiar figure up ahead.
*** She's
"Leave me alone," she spat, trying to break free of his grip.
*** spits - present tense. Or is that the right word? Whimpers?
"Leave me alone," she spat, trying to pull away.
*** An exact repeat? Maybe add a "Please" and change the spat to "repeated"?
"What are you going to do about it, punk?" Jeff spat, giving the intruder a quick once over.
*** What's with all the spitting, he-he? All in past tense, yet?
Wiping the tears off her face, Katelyn starts slinging rocks at the bullies.
*** You're also using a lot of unnecessary "the"s. "Wiping tears" would work better.
"Look at the babies throwing rocks," Jeff laughs, trying to dodge the rubble flying from both sides.
*** baby. Only one of him. And the last the could be dropped.
Seeing a large pile of bricks, Katelyn runs over to them.
"Take that, you creep," she yells, watching the debris smack Larry's head.
*** Add something about her actually throwing them. Running over will not do.
Blushing, she looks towards the ground. She's never had a boy be nice to her, so she wasn't sure how to reply.
*** doesn't
The shop was decorated with an array of bright colors, giving it a warm, friendly appeal.
*** The shop IS. Tense.
Even the tables and chairs were decorated with vivid patterns.
*** ARE decorated. Tense.
Remembering his manors, John reaches for the door. "Ladies first."
*** manners. Manors are buildings.
His dark complexion and dusky eyes seem to magnify his white hair and his long fluffy beard.
*** Now, here you have too many "his"s, all of which can be eliminated. "A dark complexion and dusky eyes seem to magnify white hair and a long fluffy beard.
"Your mom and dad own this?" she asks, eyeing the expensive merchandise.
*** eying
His father peeks around the corner. "That's my boy, not even in school a whole day and he already has a girlfriend."
*** Is school over for the day for him, her, or both?
"Katie does too, but when I tell on her, I hear stop tattling on your sister."
*** Should the last part be in quotes?
"You stop sassing me, Katlyn Rose."
*** Katelyn
A good start. I've written a story about a relative of mine who committed suicide when I was only eight or ten. It's largely fiction since I hardly knew the girl, she was so much older that me. Her problem was in being homosexual back in the forties. Back then it was considered a mental problem. Being forced out of the closet destroyed her.
Charlie
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your kind helpful review. I think it would've been easier to rewrite the thing than correct all the mistakes. You mentioned to many the's I've deleted, changed 40.
You also mention stop tattling on your sister in quotes. Since it's at the end of a sentence how would that be written?
The spat thing, I want to show hate, discussed, anger so what would be other ways to do that?
Your poor cousin, I bet she went through hell. Society can be so cruel sometimes. It's like they have to make someone a martyr whether it's religion, race, sexual orientation, disease or just being a little different from the so-called norm.
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Thank you for your kind helpful review. I think it would've been easier to rewrite the thing than correct all the mistakes. You mentioned to many the's I've deleted, changed 40.
*** 40? Jeez!
You also mention stop tattling on your sister in quotes. Since it's at the end of a sentence how would that be written?
*** the same as in the middle. A comma, then quotes. He asked a vital question, "How you do that?
The spat thing, I want to show hate, discussed, anger so what would be other ways to do that?
*** I checked a popup thesaurus named "WordNet", still free, I think. It showed synonyms such as "anger, contempt, spit out, gesture angrily, utter, emit, let out, spew." Maybe you should Google and download it. It comes in handy. Evem "growled" might do? Up to you, but spit is rarely seen, probably because of a bad picture.
Your poor cousin, I bet she went through hell. Society can be so cruel sometimes. It's like they have to make someone a martyr whether it's religion, race, sexual orientation, disease or just being a little different from the so-called norm.
*** Since then, I haven't heard her name mentioned or seen a photo of her. My family disowned her.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks a melodramatic view of growing love, she is often nick named Zombie girl shows sick, despite parental restrictions, rules, she dreams and thinks John as her hero, young love bothers not restrictions, pressures, rules, obligations, love takes its way out; I liked.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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This speaks a melodramatic view of growing love, she is often nick named Zombie girl shows sick, despite parental restrictions, rules, she dreams and thinks John as her hero, young love bothers not restrictions, pressures, rules, obligations, love takes its way out; I liked.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review, I am so glad you liked it. I was worried I wouldn't do the story justice because it's a different genre from what I normally write.
Thanks again for your great review, and your continued support, take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I'm sorry about the loss of your friend. It's a part of life that none of us will ever get used to. Two of my childhood friends passed away last week, and two others are down to their final weeks. Thanks for sharing your friend's story, allowing her memory to live on in the mind's of your readers. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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I'm sorry about the loss of your friend. It's a part of life that none of us will ever get used to. Two of my childhood friends passed away last week, and two others are down to their final weeks. Thanks for sharing your friend's story, allowing her memory to live on in the mind's of your readers. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your great review and your continued support.
I'm sorry to hear about your friends. I know that has to be hard on you like it was with me. She was a terrific friend, a wonderful person deep inside. She started out as one of my home health patients, we quickly became best friends. She was always so excited to hear about my new story, she always encouraging me, giving advice when I was stuck. She'd call me her little author. You're going to make it big someday, my little author. I miss her so. Darn it, I'm bawling again. I hope that I can make her proud, help others, raise awareness, maybe get a few needed changes, the way she wanted.
Thanks again for your wonderful review and all your support, take care.
