This Time - That Time 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "A Sleepless Night"Veronica is sent back again
36 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
GOOD CHAPTER. Drew me in, as usual. Very fine characterization developed well through dialog and action tags and fine descriptive narrative detail. Good tension in the question of who is inside Michael at the moment. Well developed. Nice flirting too.
Some notes:
*Very carefully, so as not to disturb James, I edged towards my side of our bed.
Very is not required. Carefully speaks for itself.
*
The tenderness in his voice almost triggered my tears again.
His voice was mentioned in previous para. Suggest trimming to
His tenderness almost triggered my tears again.
(better pacing too...please read aloud).
* I lay quietly for a moment and listened to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat next to my ear.
You could trim this a bit. The quietness is implied without being stated. Example:
I lay for a moment, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat next to my ear.
*Good place for a simile:
I sat bolt upright as hope surged through me(like a...). "What! ... How?"
*
James smiled, and(,) lifting his body to rest on his elbow, stretched up and cradled the back of my head before pulling me close and kissing both my aching eyelids.
*He'd never come across an albino before,(no ,) and was obviously interested to learn more ... I
*"So long as it was there in 1846, it doesn't matter if it's not there now," James said, and then added in his usual logical way.(,) "We can always look up records in the Library."
*
James moved closer, then suddenly his hands were circling my waist and I was pulled into his arms again.
Wordy and spaggy. Could be tightened. Example:
James moved closer. Suddenly, his hands circled my waist, and I was pulled into his arms again.
*"Do you know how sexy you look in glasses and my pyjama top?"
Not sure of UK spelling, but in US it is pajama
* How it could help to solve Joe's problem and give Francis a fighting chance at life,(no ,) remained to be worked out.
* Michael sullenly looked from me to Mildred, then over to his father, and(,) not getting any sympathy from either of them, he eventually dropped his disgruntled gaze to his empty high-chair tray as if hoping to find some comfort there.
Looking forward to the next stage of edits. I may not be very active here the next few weeks...see you on my periodic visits.
Lots of Love,
rd
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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GOOD CHAPTER. Drew me in, as usual. Very fine characterization developed well through dialog and action tags and fine descriptive narrative detail. Good tension in the question of who is inside Michael at the moment. Well developed. Nice flirting too.
Some notes:
*Very carefully, so as not to disturb James, I edged towards my side of our bed.
Very is not required. Carefully speaks for itself.
*
The tenderness in his voice almost triggered my tears again.
His voice was mentioned in previous para. Suggest trimming to
His tenderness almost triggered my tears again.
(better pacing too...please read aloud).
* I lay quietly for a moment and listened to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat next to my ear.
You could trim this a bit. The quietness is implied without being stated. Example:
I lay for a moment, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat next to my ear.
*Good place for a simile:
I sat bolt upright as hope surged through me(like a...). "What! ... How?"
*
James smiled, and(,) lifting his body to rest on his elbow, stretched up and cradled the back of my head before pulling me close and kissing both my aching eyelids.
*He'd never come across an albino before,(no ,) and was obviously interested to learn more ... I
*"So long as it was there in 1846, it doesn't matter if it's not there now," James said, and then added in his usual logical way.(,) "We can always look up records in the Library."
*
James moved closer, then suddenly his hands were circling my waist and I was pulled into his arms again.
Wordy and spaggy. Could be tightened. Example:
James moved closer. Suddenly, his hands circled my waist, and I was pulled into his arms again.
*"Do you know how sexy you look in glasses and my pyjama top?"
Not sure of UK spelling, but in US it is pajama
* How it could help to solve Joe's problem and give Francis a fighting chance at life,(no ,) remained to be worked out.
* Michael sullenly looked from me to Mildred, then over to his father, and(,) not getting any sympathy from either of them, he eventually dropped his disgruntled gaze to his empty high-chair tray as if hoping to find some comfort there.
Looking forward to the next stage of edits. I may not be very active here the next few weeks...see you on my periodic visits.
Lots of Love,
rd
Comment Written 15-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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Hi Rama, thank you so much for another in-depth review. I'm going to copy and paste to my MS Word and do the corrections. 'Pyjamas' is the correct UK spelling, very different to the US spelling. 'Jewellery' is the word that really is totally different! Thanks again, my friend. :) Sandra xxxx
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Thank you, dear Sandra. I figured that was UK! I've been learning some of the differences, like Jewelry/Jewllery and traveling/travelling, etc. Thanks for adding another new one!
xxooo
:)
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Cousin.
Crikey, I've read two chapters in a row... I must be getting efficient and we can't have that now, can we. lol.
"James reached out and pulled me back into his arms. "You didn't really believe you could get up without me knowing, did you?" (I'm usually up at 4.30am. But on Sundays, when she slaughters the pigs for sale, Delia gets up at 3am, and that is exactly what I do when she does lol.)
"I remember reading a thesis written by a professor who was a leading pioneer of infectious diseases in his day." (Maybe add "Medicine" or "treatment" to the end of this line... to me it sounds like he caused the infectious diseases because he was leading a pioneer. Does that make sense?)
"James sat up and punched his pillows, then leant back against them." (Why do blokes always punch their pillows? That's not tough. lol.)
"I only brought back the books A and M. "I should've let you go and get them," I puffed. "I'd forgotten how heavy they were." (Hahahaha! There goes that natural Thwaites humour).
"Instead of putting my nightdress back on again, I'd chosen to wear his top." (Delia wore one of my T-shirt one night... it looked like a darn body bag because she is 4"10 and 45 kilos.)
"Come on, let's go and see if Mildred has put the kettle on yet. You never know, we might beat her to it!" (Hey... where's the sexy bit!)
There ya go leavin' t' ol' feral in s'pense 'gin, lassie. lol (I'm gittin' t' ang of your dialogue.)
An other perfectly written chapter... except the infectious disease spreader.
I love this book and look forward to the next instalment.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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G'day Cousin.
Crikey, I've read two chapters in a row... I must be getting efficient and we can't have that now, can we. lol.
"James reached out and pulled me back into his arms. "You didn't really believe you could get up without me knowing, did you?" (I'm usually up at 4.30am. But on Sundays, when she slaughters the pigs for sale, Delia gets up at 3am, and that is exactly what I do when she does lol.)
"I remember reading a thesis written by a professor who was a leading pioneer of infectious diseases in his day." (Maybe add "Medicine" or "treatment" to the end of this line... to me it sounds like he caused the infectious diseases because he was leading a pioneer. Does that make sense?)
"James sat up and punched his pillows, then leant back against them." (Why do blokes always punch their pillows? That's not tough. lol.)
"I only brought back the books A and M. "I should've let you go and get them," I puffed. "I'd forgotten how heavy they were." (Hahahaha! There goes that natural Thwaites humour).
"Instead of putting my nightdress back on again, I'd chosen to wear his top." (Delia wore one of my T-shirt one night... it looked like a darn body bag because she is 4"10 and 45 kilos.)
"Come on, let's go and see if Mildred has put the kettle on yet. You never know, we might beat her to it!" (Hey... where's the sexy bit!)
There ya go leavin' t' ol' feral in s'pense 'gin, lassie. lol (I'm gittin' t' ang of your dialogue.)
An other perfectly written chapter... except the infectious disease spreader.
I love this book and look forward to the next instalment.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 15-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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Oh Lordy, Cousin, you make me sides ache with laughin'!! LOL!! Didn't you read the sexy bit? Oh, such a shame you missed it, it didn't need a lot of explaining as it's such a commonplace activity, so it might have got lost in a sentence somewhere!! :))
I read that sentence again about the infectious diseases, I can't have everyone thinking he was the spreader of them, LOL. You're right, it does read like that, I'll go and add medicine to it! Thanks for that!!
Thank you so much for this really fun review, and all the shiny stars!! I would come and give you a hug if you lived close by. Give Delia a hug for me! :) Sandra xxxxxx
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Yes, I did read that! I explain what happened.
I was upstairs, when I read it... I desperately called to Delia with great anticipation, and finally she came.
Once she was there we stripped, she climbed onto her side and I, mine, and we changed those bed sheets and put on new ones... I can't get on her side there is not enough room for me... she's only 4"10 and 45 kilos and fits in the tiny space between the wall and the bed.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Eyes and ears open, what could possibly happen next, only the writer can know. So I'll just have to sit back and wait for the next chapter as Veronica flip flops back and forth. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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Eyes and ears open, what could possibly happen next, only the writer can know. So I'll just have to sit back and wait for the next chapter as Veronica flip flops back and forth. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 14-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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Thank you dear Ric. LOL, you have such a way with words. (flip flops back and forth) I'll have to use them. LOL I'm glad you're still enjoying the story. Big hugs. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I am so enjoying Veronica trying to deal with Michael or the host that's inside his body. You have added a very interesting twist to the story line and it's working wonderfully. Good job.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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I am so enjoying Veronica trying to deal with Michael or the host that's inside his body. You have added a very interesting twist to the story line and it's working wonderfully. Good job.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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Aww, thank you, Barbara. It's fun writing this fictitious story because anything can happen and nothing can be proved otherwise! LOL. Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Hello my friend this again is well written you are indeed very talented writing a story like this it shows in the quality of the work I enjoyed cant wait to see what happens when Veronica starts her research I am curious to see how it will help her in her quest I enjoyed as always looking forward to the next chapter regards Jill
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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Hello my friend this again is well written you are indeed very talented writing a story like this it shows in the quality of the work I enjoyed cant wait to see what happens when Veronica starts her research I am curious to see how it will help her in her quest I enjoyed as always looking forward to the next chapter regards Jill
Comment Written 14-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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Aww, thank you so much, my dear Jill, for all those lovely stars! Veronica has to be very careful now, she doesn't want Joe to stay in her time. It's going to take a lot of thought. Thank you, my friend, I'm so pleased you like it and a hug for the compliment!! :) Sandra xxxx
Comment from royowen
I suppose wondering who one is talking to when she addresses her 3year old son would be a worry for any mum, what're it was a grown man man or her little man would be a conundrum wouldn't it? It seems James May have come across a solution to the problem that a person hiding from the past, and what a fierce Sir John may have caused. Excellent episode Sandra, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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I suppose wondering who one is talking to when she addresses her 3year old son would be a worry for any mum, what're it was a grown man man or her little man would be a conundrum wouldn't it? It seems James May have come across a solution to the problem that a person hiding from the past, and what a fierce Sir John may have caused. Excellent episode Sandra, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 14-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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I wouldn't like that to happen to my child, but Veronica did find herself in ten year old, Alice's body in the previous book. She has to get Joe out of Michael and back to his own time. Now to persuade Joe that it will be in his best interests. That will be the crunch! Thank you so much, my dear friend, for your wonderful review. Big hugs! Sandra xxx
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Welcome Sandra
Comment from patcelaw
This was a delightful read. The early morning play between Veronica and James fun to read. To be in a place with ones husband and having the uniqueness of the morning hours make for good reading. Blessings, Patricia
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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This was a delightful read. The early morning play between Veronica and James fun to read. To be in a place with ones husband and having the uniqueness of the morning hours make for good reading. Blessings, Patricia
Comment Written 14-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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Veronica and James are good for each other, I'm glad you enjoyed this part, thank you, Patricia. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from damommy
Knowing you, I bet you've already done research to see if the church was there in 1846.
I've only seen two albinos in my life. One worked with my daddy, but he was so sweet I hardly noticed his affliction. I was about 9 at the time. The other was blind and married my blind cousin. A match made in heaven, if you know what I mean. 8-)
-the medical archives at the university. []Come on, let's go and see if Mildred has put the kettle on yet.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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Knowing you, I bet you've already done research to see if the church was there in 1846.
I've only seen two albinos in my life. One worked with my daddy, but he was so sweet I hardly noticed his affliction. I was about 9 at the time. The other was blind and married my blind cousin. A match made in heaven, if you know what I mean. 8-)
-the medical archives at the university. []Come on, let's go and see if Mildred has put the kettle on yet.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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LOL, Yvonne, you know me too well!! (or Veronica!) I've never met an albino, but I used to have a large white patch around my waist from birth up until a few years ago. I had no idea what it was until I was in hospital for my appendix. I asked the doctor what is was and he said it was where the pigments hadn't completely come in. But, he did say it was possible they would in time, and they did, many years later. I don't think that happens to albinos, but apparently, their eyes can change.
I loved what you said about your blind cousin and her blind albino husband, lol, yes it most likely was a match made in heaven. Did they have children? I find the subject so intriguing now I've started looking into it, how they were regarded all those years ago. Some are ostersized in this day and age. That is human nature, I suppose, sad to say.
Thanks again, my friend! :) Sandra xxxx
Comment from JDRBAR
I still love this story. It is so different from the regular stories that seem to abound on fanstory. If Joe is indeed inside of Michael, would he talk like Michael, or would Michael talk like him?
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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I still love this story. It is so different from the regular stories that seem to abound on fanstory. If Joe is indeed inside of Michael, would he talk like Michael, or would Michael talk like him?
Comment Written 14-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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Hi, my friend. Thank you so much for reading my story, and the nice comments. Joe shocked Veronica and James once before when he told them his parents had died in a fire, it was very different to Michael's voice. It was then they knew for certain where Joe was. So, it's going to be interesting to see if they can get through to him now. Big hugs, my friend! :) Sandra xx
Comment from aryr
This was another great chapter Sandra. Poor Veronica can deal with her time travels but she is seriously worried about how it affects Anne and Michael. At least James is now aware and willing to help in anyway he can. I think he has a great idea brewing regarding the missionary. If he plans to plant the idea through Joe to Sir John, then Frances will be saved and Sir Jon will also gain status by committing his son to a fine cause and Joe will go home maybe a little richer. I know it is my speculation but I will eagerly await the outcome. Great job, well done, thanks.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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This was another great chapter Sandra. Poor Veronica can deal with her time travels but she is seriously worried about how it affects Anne and Michael. At least James is now aware and willing to help in anyway he can. I think he has a great idea brewing regarding the missionary. If he plans to plant the idea through Joe to Sir John, then Frances will be saved and Sir Jon will also gain status by committing his son to a fine cause and Joe will go home maybe a little richer. I know it is my speculation but I will eagerly await the outcome. Great job, well done, thanks.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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I love it that you are so into my story, Alie, and already thinking ahead. I'll pass on all your thoughts to Veronica, and see what she thinks! Thank you so very much, my friend. Big hugs. :) Sandra xxx
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Lol, Sandra. I am glad that I may or may not be of help to Veronica, it is her story. You are very welcome. It is both interesting and enjoyable to follow. Big hugs in return.
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Aww, bless your heart!! xx
