Betrayal
Yeah, it happens.20 total reviews
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
Yep, break ups are indeed a bitch! I think most of us have been there at one time or another. What I especially loved about this poem, Curt, is that you mention the loss of trust. Once that is gone, there can be no more relationship.
This is so very well written poem with excellent rhyme and flow. You captured the essence of what a break up makes a person feel like ("a lonely stone tossed out by life").
The only thing I would consider perhaps changing is:
"I dared believe and now I grieve again, the odd man out" ... change to ...
"I dared believe and now I grieve, again the odd man out" ... just a suggestion, as I think it reads better this way.
A really great poem, Curt. So good to have you back. ~ ~ Connie
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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Yep, break ups are indeed a bitch! I think most of us have been there at one time or another. What I especially loved about this poem, Curt, is that you mention the loss of trust. Once that is gone, there can be no more relationship.
This is so very well written poem with excellent rhyme and flow. You captured the essence of what a break up makes a person feel like ("a lonely stone tossed out by life").
The only thing I would consider perhaps changing is:
"I dared believe and now I grieve again, the odd man out" ... change to ...
"I dared believe and now I grieve, again the odd man out" ... just a suggestion, as I think it reads better this way.
A really great poem, Curt. So good to have you back. ~ ~ Connie
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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Thanks Connie,
I've been putting in commas all morning from suggestions, if I didn't get to yours, I apologize!
Curt
Comment from Irish Rain
This is so sad, yet so wonderfully written. I know how hard it is to put the internal rhymes in the lines, and you've succeeded beautifully. A masterpiece of sorrow. Blessings....
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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This is so sad, yet so wonderfully written. I know how hard it is to put the internal rhymes in the lines, and you've succeeded beautifully. A masterpiece of sorrow. Blessings....
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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Your gift of stars honors me my friend, thank you so very much.
Curt
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You are so welcome!!
Comment from Cass Carlton
This is a well written poem in the Leonine style. That means there are "internal" rhymes. Rhymes within the lines that rhyme with other lines at the end. Actually I am showing off and airing my knowledge, as I had no idea what a Leonine poem was until just recently when there was a FanStory contest to write one. It was then I realized I've been dong it for years! It just comes off the pen like that, so I dutifully obey my Muse (or else) and get it all down while she's disposed to dictate. The poem is sad, but the metre and rhyme is well maintained. The last line needs a tidy up, so may I suggest "But late at night, and out of sight, these eyes of mine still weep" Please excuse me if you choose to leave it as it is. It is your poem after all. Well done cheers Cass
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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This is a well written poem in the Leonine style. That means there are "internal" rhymes. Rhymes within the lines that rhyme with other lines at the end. Actually I am showing off and airing my knowledge, as I had no idea what a Leonine poem was until just recently when there was a FanStory contest to write one. It was then I realized I've been dong it for years! It just comes off the pen like that, so I dutifully obey my Muse (or else) and get it all down while she's disposed to dictate. The poem is sad, but the metre and rhyme is well maintained. The last line needs a tidy up, so may I suggest "But late at night, and out of sight, these eyes of mine still weep" Please excuse me if you choose to leave it as it is. It is your poem after all. Well done cheers Cass
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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Hi Cass,
Like you, I didn't know the name of it either, so thanks for the info! Like you, I've been doing that (or attempting to) for years.
I think I made all the revisions asked of me, there were a few asking for more commas, so I put them in and hopefully got them all.
Your thoughts are well appreciated my friend,
Curt
Comment from Curly Girly
Well, I suppose I could be a bitch too and give you 4 stars, but I'm not.
So here, enjoy your shiny 5 stars.
Right now, my sympathy does not lie with you.
I think I was that girl who cheated on you.
You are left with an aftermath:
cold black deathly plight
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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Well, I suppose I could be a bitch too and give you 4 stars, but I'm not.
So here, enjoy your shiny 5 stars.
Right now, my sympathy does not lie with you.
I think I was that girl who cheated on you.
You are left with an aftermath:
cold black deathly plight
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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I'm sorry, but it is not my intention to be a bitch, as you say, but to be totally honest. After all, would you really want something less? And if I deserve less than 5 in your opinion, please do so, you won't upset me in the least.
I'd rather have an honest three than an undeserved five.
Many thanks,
Curt
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Well then, be honest and admit you did not comprehend the word 'plight'.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks a planned betrayal and break up of love by degrees and innocent heart has just suffered a lot in the process and now a lonely life is getting more pathetic; I liked.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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This speaks a planned betrayal and break up of love by degrees and innocent heart has just suffered a lot in the process and now a lonely life is getting more pathetic; I liked.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you.
Comment from nbonner
I liked this one, the ending is so true. Funny how can never hate the one's that wronged us? They will always have a place in our heart. Break-ups are a bitch!
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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I liked this one, the ending is so true. Funny how can never hate the one's that wronged us? They will always have a place in our heart. Break-ups are a bitch!
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Amen to that! Thanks for your thoughts!
Curt
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That's really sad. I hate it when one cheats on the other, it's heartbreaking. I love the poem. The internal rhyming is superb, and then the end rhyming couplets just give it the icing on the cake. Fabulous to read. Well done. I enjoyed the read. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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That's really sad. I hate it when one cheats on the other, it's heartbreaking. I love the poem. The internal rhyming is superb, and then the end rhyming couplets just give it the icing on the cake. Fabulous to read. Well done. I enjoyed the read. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thanks Sandra,
When I left LA recently to move back home, I left a lot of that baggage there too. And it can stay there! :)
Your thoughts are mucho appreciado mi amiga!
Curt
(learned a little Spanish while I was there)
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Su aprendes muy bien, mi amigo! ( I learned a little bit too! LOL xx
Comment from Dean Kuch
Damn, Curt.
This is excellent...all of the internal rhyme and great end rhyme goin' on.
Fabulous--a scathing, searing verse on betrayal.
You also had a six working for the second consecutive time from me...until I ran across your last line.
Something didn't quite "sit" right with me here; the scansion seemed a bit off.
Please consider the following (my alternative is in red...):
"So now I am alone, a lonely stone tossed out by life,
although I'll never hate the one that I once called my wife.
She loved me then, and that's a memory I'll try to keep,
but sometimes late at night and out of sight, these eyes still weep.
still sometimes, deep in darkest night, these weary eyes still weep.
Now this is merely a suggestion. You may do with it as you wish--use it, or a variation, or chuck it in the cyber trash bin altogether.
That's completely up to you.
With or without the switch, it's still an outstanding piece of writing.
Take care, 'til next time...
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Damn, Curt.
This is excellent...all of the internal rhyme and great end rhyme goin' on.
Fabulous--a scathing, searing verse on betrayal.
You also had a six working for the second consecutive time from me...until I ran across your last line.
Something didn't quite "sit" right with me here; the scansion seemed a bit off.
Please consider the following (my alternative is in red...):
"So now I am alone, a lonely stone tossed out by life,
although I'll never hate the one that I once called my wife.
She loved me then, and that's a memory I'll try to keep,
but sometimes late at night and out of sight, these eyes still weep.
still sometimes, deep in darkest night, these weary eyes still weep.
Now this is merely a suggestion. You may do with it as you wish--use it, or a variation, or chuck it in the cyber trash bin altogether.
That's completely up to you.
With or without the switch, it's still an outstanding piece of writing.
Take care, 'til next time...
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Wow Dean, I absolutely LOVE that alternate ending you propose! Honestly, it sounds fabulous, except that it doesn't keep with the internal rhyme scheme I have throughout. If it weren't for that, I'd change it in a heartbeat.
I guess I'll just have to settle for the gracious gift of five and know that I almost had it all.
Many thanks my friend,
Curt
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You know as well as I do that sometimes you must break away from established schemes to make it read well.
I often do.
Poe did, Frost did, Emily Dickinson did...
Nothing states that we must maintain an established, rigid rhyme scheme all the way through.
Anyhow, you're very welcome, Curt.
~Dean :)
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Touche' my friend, threeche' even. :)
Curt
Comment from Mitchell Brontė
Hi Curt, yes mate break ups are hard.
What a wonderful poem, tightly stitched with heartfelt passion and dramatic colours painted throughout that brings the emotive heart of your words together brilliantly.
Sometimes things like this bring out the best in us...poetically
Mitchell
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reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Hi Curt, yes mate break ups are hard.
What a wonderful poem, tightly stitched with heartfelt passion and dramatic colours painted throughout that brings the emotive heart of your words together brilliantly.
Sometimes things like this bring out the best in us...poetically
Mitchell
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you Mitchell, it was indeed a hard pill to swallow, but life does go on, and there is a respite after passing through the flames. Your thoughts are very much appreciated.
Curt
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written heartfelt poem. Sometimes the one we love the most can hurt us in ways we feel we cannot cope with the heartache they caused us, but we cannot stop loving them.
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reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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A very well-written heartfelt poem. Sometimes the one we love the most can hurt us in ways we feel we cannot cope with the heartache they caused us, but we cannot stop loving them.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you Sandra,
I will always love her on some level, and an understanding of human frailties helps me forgive the transgression.
Otherwise I'd shoot myself. :)
Curt
