This Time - That Time 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Disappointment for Veronica"Veronica is sent back again
35 total reviews
Comment from Joy Graham
So she has two empath children. Ha! I like that :)
So I'm thinking when she goes back in time she needs to check out the cemetery so she can update a few names in the present day at least.
Okay, I know I'm just complicating things lol!
Joy xx
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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So she has two empath children. Ha! I like that :)
So I'm thinking when she goes back in time she needs to check out the cemetery so she can update a few names in the present day at least.
Okay, I know I'm just complicating things lol!
Joy xx
Comment Written 05-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2018
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I'm jotting down all your ideas, Joy, they might be useful sometime in the future, (or the past, lol). Thank you, again, Joy, for another lovely review. Big hugs! Sandra xxx
Comment from l.raven
HI Sandra, I knew Michael was gifted....and there is something with the two butterflies...and there has to be a way to get in touch with Joe....I love this chapter sweet girl...and I'm off to read the next one...very well written you...love and miss ya.....Linda xxoo
I am at my daughters....started getting some bad headaches...so I went to see and eye doctor...seems the pressure in both my eyes is up...they said it's not glaucoma...but could go that way if I don't get it down...so I got some new glasses for distance...and drops I hope I don't react to...feel like I could get up and sneak a drink of James Whiskey...LOL...but I will be going back to my moms Saturday...so I am taking a little time to read a few poems...want to stay up on your story...don't like getting to far behind....
hope all is still well with Ian and Sarah...and you as well...God Bless love to you all...say hi to Ian for me...xxoo
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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HI Sandra, I knew Michael was gifted....and there is something with the two butterflies...and there has to be a way to get in touch with Joe....I love this chapter sweet girl...and I'm off to read the next one...very well written you...love and miss ya.....Linda xxoo
I am at my daughters....started getting some bad headaches...so I went to see and eye doctor...seems the pressure in both my eyes is up...they said it's not glaucoma...but could go that way if I don't get it down...so I got some new glasses for distance...and drops I hope I don't react to...feel like I could get up and sneak a drink of James Whiskey...LOL...but I will be going back to my moms Saturday...so I am taking a little time to read a few poems...want to stay up on your story...don't like getting to far behind....
hope all is still well with Ian and Sarah...and you as well...God Bless love to you all...say hi to Ian for me...xxoo
Comment Written 09-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2017
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Thank you so much for the 6 stars, my dear friend! I've missed seeing you on here, but I'm glad you are having a nice time with your daughter. I've PMd you. Biggest hugs, and much love. :)) Sandra xxx
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I miss you as well sweet angel...and you are always so welcome...biggerest hugs back at ya...loveeeeeeeeexxoo
Comment from Mustang Patty
Ah, so the spirits are talking through Michael. That was a useful bit of information; I wonder if Veronica will be able to find more information about the fire. I find it interesting how the group is just accepting Veronica's time traveling - though I think it is a comfort to her,
Looking forward to the next part - I didn't find any nits or SPAG in this one,
~patty~
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Ah, so the spirits are talking through Michael. That was a useful bit of information; I wonder if Veronica will be able to find more information about the fire. I find it interesting how the group is just accepting Veronica's time traveling - though I think it is a comfort to her,
Looking forward to the next part - I didn't find any nits or SPAG in this one,
~patty~
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Mildred was the first to know about Veronica when she began to body hop in the first book. James was kept in the dark until there was no way Veronica could hide it anymore. Now, she has to sort this mess out. She certainly isn't happy with what is happening at the moment, as you will see in the next part, now posted. Thank you, Patty, for reading this interim part, the information is necessary as you will see soon. Big hugs, my friend for the lovely review. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from rama devi
Second review
:-))) Thanks for letting me know you made revisions.
First review (FOUR stars)
Hi, my dear friend!
This is very good, but not one of your best chapters. It seems to slow down midway but picks up better toward the end. It might be just me, as I am a bit fatigued at the moment, but I felt like the dialog and narrative of the first half had more mundane details and not that much actually going on. The details are great to bring a scene to life, but the scene itself should grab the readers' attention. It seemed to slow down from the section starting with ## and up to this line: I looked at my dear husband and smiled. Not only had he accepted my time travelling, he was helping me too. How many other men would do that?
That line brought the purpose of the scene to life. I'm not sure what to suggest...as I'm a bit tired. But I did make a bunch of spag fixes an suggestions for you. Those are the reason for the rating...so let me know after revision...I can upgrade...
From Part Eight:
*
Michael appeared satisfied with that suggestion, and he stood up and looked around, pointing his finger haphazardly at anything that flew by. (*add line break here--and consider making that two sentences and trimming our AND)
Part Nine:
* we were researching for a friend who had family connections in this area,(no ,) and wanted to know when Joe Hammett had died.
* I shoved the pushchair forward and smacked into the root of a tree jutting out of the already uneven pathway, and Michael woke up with a yelp.
Trim last end and let the last clause be a new sentence.
I shoved the pushchair forward and smacked into the root of a tree jutting out of the already uneven pathway. Michael woke up with a yelp.
* "Your Aunty Alice has a lot to answer for," I told him, shaking my head in mock despair.
no need to tell I TOLD HIM (it's implied). I suggest you just use the action tag here:
"Your Aunty Alice has a lot to answer for." I shook my head in mock despair.
* Why would my mother make an appearance now,(--) and here of all places?
*"Come on, let's go home and get some chicken nuggets," I said, smiling at Michael as both the butterflies took flight.
Trim speech tag:
"Come on, let's go home and get some chicken nuggets," I smiled at Michael as both the butterflies took flight.
*
"What's all this, then?" James laughed and picked them both up(,) and, much to their delight, tucked one under each arm.
*"Thank goodness you're back early," I told him, grinning at his bemused expression.
"Thank goodness you're back early." I grinned at his bemused expression.
* Twenty minutes later, they emerged from their bedroom looking like little angels,(no ,) and smelling of Johnson's baby powder.
* Finding himself the centre of attention, Michael giggled and went over to the sofa and started to tell James about the butterflies landing on his hand.
use AND only once:
Finding himself the centre of attention, Michael giggled, went over to the sofa, and started to tell James about the butterflies landing on his hand.
*
"Here, have a sip of your nice warm milk. That's much nicer than Daddy's horrible whisky," I told him as I passed it to James.
"Here, have a sip of your nice warm milk. That's much nicer than Daddy's horrible whisky" I passed it to James.
*"Well, they write the peoples' names on them when he or she died and went to h(H)eaven. It's where the family can go and remember them."
*
"There was one strange thing," I said quietly so as not to disturb our two drowsy children.
rather than 'said quietly, it would be optimal to choose a stronger verb. Example:
"There was one strange thing," I murmured so as not to disturb our two drowsy children.
*
Michael had almost dropped off to sleep,(no ,) but suddenly stirred and looked over at me as he took his thumb out of his mouth.
Remember, commas are used with independent clauses coming after coordinating conjunctions (AND, BUT, etc)...and NOT used when dependent.
No worries, though, as I am always here to edit for you...
Lots of Love,
rd
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Second review
:-))) Thanks for letting me know you made revisions.
First review (FOUR stars)
Hi, my dear friend!
This is very good, but not one of your best chapters. It seems to slow down midway but picks up better toward the end. It might be just me, as I am a bit fatigued at the moment, but I felt like the dialog and narrative of the first half had more mundane details and not that much actually going on. The details are great to bring a scene to life, but the scene itself should grab the readers' attention. It seemed to slow down from the section starting with ## and up to this line: I looked at my dear husband and smiled. Not only had he accepted my time travelling, he was helping me too. How many other men would do that?
That line brought the purpose of the scene to life. I'm not sure what to suggest...as I'm a bit tired. But I did make a bunch of spag fixes an suggestions for you. Those are the reason for the rating...so let me know after revision...I can upgrade...
From Part Eight:
*
Michael appeared satisfied with that suggestion, and he stood up and looked around, pointing his finger haphazardly at anything that flew by. (*add line break here--and consider making that two sentences and trimming our AND)
Part Nine:
* we were researching for a friend who had family connections in this area,(no ,) and wanted to know when Joe Hammett had died.
* I shoved the pushchair forward and smacked into the root of a tree jutting out of the already uneven pathway, and Michael woke up with a yelp.
Trim last end and let the last clause be a new sentence.
I shoved the pushchair forward and smacked into the root of a tree jutting out of the already uneven pathway. Michael woke up with a yelp.
* "Your Aunty Alice has a lot to answer for," I told him, shaking my head in mock despair.
no need to tell I TOLD HIM (it's implied). I suggest you just use the action tag here:
"Your Aunty Alice has a lot to answer for." I shook my head in mock despair.
* Why would my mother make an appearance now,(--) and here of all places?
*"Come on, let's go home and get some chicken nuggets," I said, smiling at Michael as both the butterflies took flight.
Trim speech tag:
"Come on, let's go home and get some chicken nuggets," I smiled at Michael as both the butterflies took flight.
*
"What's all this, then?" James laughed and picked them both up(,) and, much to their delight, tucked one under each arm.
*"Thank goodness you're back early," I told him, grinning at his bemused expression.
"Thank goodness you're back early." I grinned at his bemused expression.
* Twenty minutes later, they emerged from their bedroom looking like little angels,(no ,) and smelling of Johnson's baby powder.
* Finding himself the centre of attention, Michael giggled and went over to the sofa and started to tell James about the butterflies landing on his hand.
use AND only once:
Finding himself the centre of attention, Michael giggled, went over to the sofa, and started to tell James about the butterflies landing on his hand.
*
"Here, have a sip of your nice warm milk. That's much nicer than Daddy's horrible whisky," I told him as I passed it to James.
"Here, have a sip of your nice warm milk. That's much nicer than Daddy's horrible whisky" I passed it to James.
*"Well, they write the peoples' names on them when he or she died and went to h(H)eaven. It's where the family can go and remember them."
*
"There was one strange thing," I said quietly so as not to disturb our two drowsy children.
rather than 'said quietly, it would be optimal to choose a stronger verb. Example:
"There was one strange thing," I murmured so as not to disturb our two drowsy children.
*
Michael had almost dropped off to sleep,(no ,) but suddenly stirred and looked over at me as he took his thumb out of his mouth.
Remember, commas are used with independent clauses coming after coordinating conjunctions (AND, BUT, etc)...and NOT used when dependent.
No worries, though, as I am always here to edit for you...
Lots of Love,
rd
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you so very much, my friend, for another brilliant review. I've made all the corrections and the one in part 8 as well. You really are wonderful!! Thank You! Big hugs. :) Sandra xxx
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AW, thanks! For clients like you, I try to always review so you get two proofs for the price of one. LOL. Did that with Av and Bev too...and others...
More than one editing round is always ideal. Even the best editor may miss things in a single run-through.
Lots of Love,
rd
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A very interesting chapter, my friend. I love exploring old cemeteries--at least I did when I was able too. This story is becoming quite the family affair~Debbie
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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A very interesting chapter, my friend. I love exploring old cemeteries--at least I did when I was able too. This story is becoming quite the family affair~Debbie
Comment Written 06-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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It is, isn't it! I like to look around cemeteries in the daylight, but won't go near them at night!! Thank you, Debbie, for your lovely comments on this part. Big hugs :) Sandra xxx
Comment from Ulla
Wow, Sandra, this is absolutely an amazing story. So Michael has the gift as well. I knew the to butterflies is a message from the past. This is getting better and better by the minute. I'm glad I waited to give you a review and to read it. I just knew it would be worth a six. Don't wait too long before you post again. A big hug. Ulla xxxx
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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Wow, Sandra, this is absolutely an amazing story. So Michael has the gift as well. I knew the to butterflies is a message from the past. This is getting better and better by the minute. I'm glad I waited to give you a review and to read it. I just knew it would be worth a six. Don't wait too long before you post again. A big hug. Ulla xxxx
Comment Written 06-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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Thank you so very much for the lovely 6 stars, Ulla!! And your lovely review. Well, the next part has just been posted ... is that fast enough for you? LOL!! Big hugs, my friend. Sandra xxx
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Storyline possesses enough action to move the tale along.
Several different directions you could travel this accounting in from this point forward.
Mystery lies in the "No, that wasn't what I found strange" paragraph.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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Storyline possesses enough action to move the tale along.
Several different directions you could travel this accounting in from this point forward.
Mystery lies in the "No, that wasn't what I found strange" paragraph.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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Thank you so much for reading this part, Brett, I'm glad you enjoyed it. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sabdra,
Love this. The development with Michael was executed well, the drink a nice bit of timid foreshadowing.
"Are blue butterflies' common here?" I asked - butterflies here is just a plural so no apostrophe necessary.
Mildred shrugged and looked around "I think it's those - insert a comma after around.
I love the scattering of commonplace expressions you employ such as 'driving me to distraction' which makes the piece feel real.
Intercutting the larger tale with the incidental elements of family life works very well but doesn't drag the story down... not an easy task.
"I'm going to be an angel in the nativity play" Ann announced - I think you need punctuation after play here before the closing speech marks.
And what about you, Michael. Have you had a nice day?"- either insert a question mark after Michael or change to a comma.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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Hi Sabdra,
Love this. The development with Michael was executed well, the drink a nice bit of timid foreshadowing.
"Are blue butterflies' common here?" I asked - butterflies here is just a plural so no apostrophe necessary.
Mildred shrugged and looked around "I think it's those - insert a comma after around.
I love the scattering of commonplace expressions you employ such as 'driving me to distraction' which makes the piece feel real.
Intercutting the larger tale with the incidental elements of family life works very well but doesn't drag the story down... not an easy task.
"I'm going to be an angel in the nativity play" Ann announced - I think you need punctuation after play here before the closing speech marks.
And what about you, Michael. Have you had a nice day?"- either insert a question mark after Michael or change to a comma.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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Thank you again, dear G, for another wonderful, and helpful review. I so pleased you are reading my story and that you are liking it too!! I've made all the corrections, I must be more observant when I check, those missing commas are so obvious when they are pointed out! Thanks, my friend. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from rwilliam
OH MY, what an ending! I LOVE it ! Cliffhangers and teasers are the BEST!
I can't wait to read what is coming next. Great chapter. I didn't see any fixes or suggestions.
Congratulations on the blue ribbon.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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OH MY, what an ending! I LOVE it ! Cliffhangers and teasers are the BEST!
I can't wait to read what is coming next. Great chapter. I didn't see any fixes or suggestions.
Congratulations on the blue ribbon.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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The next part is coming up anytime now. It's explosive! Thank you again, Rebecca, for another wonderful review, and for ANOTHER 6 STARS!! I am over the moon that you enjoyed this part too. I'm glad you picked up on the ending, some didn't! Bigger hugs coming your way!! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from F. Wehr3
Nice work, Sandra. I enjoyed this part. The two butterflies with Michael and his pronouncement of the fire sent chills up my spine. Excellent.
he stopped and picked up James's glass and took a huge swig.--Suggest a taking out one of the ands in this sentence.
Within a couple of minutes his lovely long lashes began to sweep towards his cheeks, his beaker drained.--Suggest a comma after minutes. You technically have a comma splice, but I had a hard time with just 'his beaker drained'
Good work,
Russell
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2017
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Nice work, Sandra. I enjoyed this part. The two butterflies with Michael and his pronouncement of the fire sent chills up my spine. Excellent.
he stopped and picked up James's glass and took a huge swig.--Suggest a taking out one of the ands in this sentence.
Within a couple of minutes his lovely long lashes began to sweep towards his cheeks, his beaker drained.--Suggest a comma after minutes. You technically have a comma splice, but I had a hard time with just 'his beaker drained'
Good work,
Russell
Comment Written 05-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2017
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Thank you, Russell, I missed that comma when I was editing. Thanks for letting me know. I'll also take another look at the beaker. I'm glad you enjoyed this part, the butterflies were significant. Thanks again, my friend. :) Sandra xxx
