Selection (Haibun style)
Sifting through the clutter of yesterday.12 total reviews
Comment from RGstar
This is better than meets the eye. So much detail that coincides with radiance or mood of a day. I love the way you imply " vying for attention" Bravo.
The colours in the minds eye, the choice, and the imagery that surrounds, is very you.
I enjoyed it. Fully deserves its place in the competition.
Good luck.
My best to you.
RGstar
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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This is better than meets the eye. So much detail that coincides with radiance or mood of a day. I love the way you imply " vying for attention" Bravo.
The colours in the minds eye, the choice, and the imagery that surrounds, is very you.
I enjoyed it. Fully deserves its place in the competition.
Good luck.
My best to you.
RGstar
Comment Written 16-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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Thanks. I was taken by surprise that it was an entry: A pleasant one, no doubt.
Comment from estory
This is maybe the best example of prose poetry I have read on the site to date, so I'm giving it a six. I think in this poem, you have the necessary musical elements to the language, the alliterations stitching the sounds together, and a wonderful sense of the rhythm of prose that captures some of the musical elements within it, in longer and shorter stretches. The images are also colorful, it is full of colorful fabrics that symbolize the feelings of fear, anxiety, hope, anger, etc. All the colors create wonderful contrasts. This is really good prose poetry in the vein of the master, Jack Anderson estory
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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This is maybe the best example of prose poetry I have read on the site to date, so I'm giving it a six. I think in this poem, you have the necessary musical elements to the language, the alliterations stitching the sounds together, and a wonderful sense of the rhythm of prose that captures some of the musical elements within it, in longer and shorter stretches. The images are also colorful, it is full of colorful fabrics that symbolize the feelings of fear, anxiety, hope, anger, etc. All the colors create wonderful contrasts. This is really good prose poetry in the vein of the master, Jack Anderson estory
Comment Written 05-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the awesome review and the bonus star.
Comment from dragonpoet
With all the hues of negativity in the beginning prose and the haiku about depression, it is good that in the end the speaker finds hope and positiviity.
I think the spearker should get rid of anything that reminds you so vividly
of bad times so he/she can leave it behind and have one less thing to be depressed about.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2017
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With all the hues of negativity in the beginning prose and the haiku about depression, it is good that in the end the speaker finds hope and positiviity.
I think the spearker should get rid of anything that reminds you so vividly
of bad times so he/she can leave it behind and have one less thing to be depressed about.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
Comment Written 04-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2017
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Thanks for reviewing. I am not stuck in that past but a glance back makes for a truthful write. Most of my haibuns always weigh both the positive and the negative, the former usually winning out.
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You're welcome. It is good the positive usually wins.
dp
Comment from rama devi
I love the expressive creativity of this and your super original metaphor and personification of the wardrobe:
Every day, I reach into my wardrobe and choose from a variety of fabrics vying for my attention. Snickering, they lay in wait, dangling from the unhinged mind that coddles them. Some are drab. They droop at the notion of putting forth any effort. Others, remnants of the past, beckon me to slip into some kind of a bi-polar dance of unpleasant memories. Crimson convulsions of anger; yellow-striped hues of fear; and heavy titanium armor, meant to keep the world at bay, battle to forge my identity.
That paragraph is utterly outstanding! Superb phonetics for a poetic touch to your prose. Superb swift pacing and outstanding detail with part word choices. Love the extended metaphor. STANDING OVATION!
misery
writes its epitaph
in shades of choice
That's one of the best three-liners I've ever read! Bravo! Another six!
Love the layering of the metaphor with this stroke of genius line:
But hiding in the wrinkled folds of change, pastel shades of new beginnings shake up the status-quo.
Nice alliteration:
A ripple of reason emerges.
LOVE THIS SHIFT IN TONE and further personification:
Serenity drapes its quiet message over the bellowing negatives, tucking them in for a much-needed rest.
Perfect closing note:
And in the midst of this flurry of finery, I find myself grabbing hold of a positive day.
My only one suggestion is to trim off the word AND in the closing line. You might also consider placing a line break before it to add dramatic pause effect and highlight the conclusion.
Just my two cents.
Standing ovation and applause!
Love this.
Hugs,
rd
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2017
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I love the expressive creativity of this and your super original metaphor and personification of the wardrobe:
Every day, I reach into my wardrobe and choose from a variety of fabrics vying for my attention. Snickering, they lay in wait, dangling from the unhinged mind that coddles them. Some are drab. They droop at the notion of putting forth any effort. Others, remnants of the past, beckon me to slip into some kind of a bi-polar dance of unpleasant memories. Crimson convulsions of anger; yellow-striped hues of fear; and heavy titanium armor, meant to keep the world at bay, battle to forge my identity.
That paragraph is utterly outstanding! Superb phonetics for a poetic touch to your prose. Superb swift pacing and outstanding detail with part word choices. Love the extended metaphor. STANDING OVATION!
misery
writes its epitaph
in shades of choice
That's one of the best three-liners I've ever read! Bravo! Another six!
Love the layering of the metaphor with this stroke of genius line:
But hiding in the wrinkled folds of change, pastel shades of new beginnings shake up the status-quo.
Nice alliteration:
A ripple of reason emerges.
LOVE THIS SHIFT IN TONE and further personification:
Serenity drapes its quiet message over the bellowing negatives, tucking them in for a much-needed rest.
Perfect closing note:
And in the midst of this flurry of finery, I find myself grabbing hold of a positive day.
My only one suggestion is to trim off the word AND in the closing line. You might also consider placing a line break before it to add dramatic pause effect and highlight the conclusion.
Just my two cents.
Standing ovation and applause!
Love this.
Hugs,
rd
Comment Written 03-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2017
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So impressed with this awesome rating. I must really be improving based on your great reviews recently.
Thanks again, will eliminate the and. I pondered that.
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Yes, you have improved tremendously! It's a delight to witness.
Love, rd
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Thank you. I just got my book published. Shaking thr Family Tree by dallas
It is a double genre memoir/poetry offering on addiction and recovery. It focuses on the genetic predisposition. Written anonymously in keeping with the tenets of 12 step programs.
If you get a chance, visit my authot page on facebook. author dallas h
Thanks again, rd.
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Congrats, dear. Happy for you! Will try...my internet is slow, especially loading FB pages, here in India... Love,rd
Comment from Spitfire
Imaginative use of metaphor--using the clothes in our closet and picking one that suits (no pun intended) your mood.
bi-polar dance of unpleasant memories. Crimson convulsions of anger; yellow-striped hues of fear; and heavy titanium armor
Those clothes seem to have it in for you. LOL. Time to throw some away.
Supportive haiku
No wasted words or thoughts in the final paragraph. The last line is delicious -- grabbing hold of a positive day!
(I scold hubby for wearing dark colors all the time when he has tees in all the rainbow colors. )
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Imaginative use of metaphor--using the clothes in our closet and picking one that suits (no pun intended) your mood.
bi-polar dance of unpleasant memories. Crimson convulsions of anger; yellow-striped hues of fear; and heavy titanium armor
Those clothes seem to have it in for you. LOL. Time to throw some away.
Supportive haiku
No wasted words or thoughts in the final paragraph. The last line is delicious -- grabbing hold of a positive day!
(I scold hubby for wearing dark colors all the time when he has tees in all the rainbow colors. )
Comment Written 03-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Thanks for the great review, Sheri and he bonus star. Hope all is well.
Comment from Joan E.
I admired the way the artwork you selected helped to establish the sense of clutter. I appreciated way your using alliteration and personification in your prose to intensify your mood, and your concluding on a hopeful note. Here's to more positive days- Joan
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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I admired the way the artwork you selected helped to establish the sense of clutter. I appreciated way your using alliteration and personification in your prose to intensify your mood, and your concluding on a hopeful note. Here's to more positive days- Joan
Comment Written 03-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Thanks for the great review, Joan. Just a backward glance of how things seemed long ago.
Comment from Mitchell Brontė
This poem was tight with emotion, written in a tense free verse, with great dramatic pauses, in a somber, solemn voice. The images were riveting, startling. Painting a really unique, original image, one that catches the imagination,neatly stitched into the fabric of humanity. This was one of the best poems I read on the site today.
Loved it
Mitchell
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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This poem was tight with emotion, written in a tense free verse, with great dramatic pauses, in a somber, solemn voice. The images were riveting, startling. Painting a really unique, original image, one that catches the imagination,neatly stitched into the fabric of humanity. This was one of the best poems I read on the site today.
Loved it
Mitchell
Comment Written 03-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Thanks for the awesome review, Mitchell.
Comment from His Grayness
Outstanding artwork to begin with! It immediately interests the reader and leads immediately into the lovely writing which is done exceptionally in rhyme and meter with a lighthearted approach to celebration of one's wardrobe. I enjoyed this work and I cannot recommend anything to make it any better! HIS GRAYNESS
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Outstanding artwork to begin with! It immediately interests the reader and leads immediately into the lovely writing which is done exceptionally in rhyme and meter with a lighthearted approach to celebration of one's wardrobe. I enjoyed this work and I cannot recommend anything to make it any better! HIS GRAYNESS
Comment Written 03-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Thanks for the great review. Glad you liked it.
Comment from Dean Kuch
This is just one of many forms of poetry I've yet to learn how to write and write well, DALLAS.
But poets like Gypsy Blue Rose, mountainwriter49, as well as yourself, make it look so easy.
I can say will all certainty that haibun is far from easy to write.
I believe everyone's life creates a conundrum for them every now and again. You've explained to us how color affects your day to day routine. "Crimson convulsions of anger; yellow-striped hues of fear; and heavy titanium armor, meant to keep the world at bay..." the colors of raging storms.
But many times after a storm there comes the softer pastel hues accompanying a gorgeous rainbow. It's then we realize that things might turn out okay after all.
Excellent as usual, Alice...
~Dean
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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This is just one of many forms of poetry I've yet to learn how to write and write well, DALLAS.
But poets like Gypsy Blue Rose, mountainwriter49, as well as yourself, make it look so easy.
I can say will all certainty that haibun is far from easy to write.
I believe everyone's life creates a conundrum for them every now and again. You've explained to us how color affects your day to day routine. "Crimson convulsions of anger; yellow-striped hues of fear; and heavy titanium armor, meant to keep the world at bay..." the colors of raging storms.
But many times after a storm there comes the softer pastel hues accompanying a gorgeous rainbow. It's then we realize that things might turn out okay after all.
Excellent as usual, Alice...
~Dean
Comment Written 03-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Thanks for the great review, Dean. Just a look back at how things seemed in the old days.
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You are more than welcome. :)
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written haibun. To select clothes in the morning can take a while to decide especially between seasons. You never know if the weather may change and you are not dressed for that change.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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A very well-written haibun. To select clothes in the morning can take a while to decide especially between seasons. You never know if the weather may change and you are not dressed for that change.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Thanks for the kind review.
