Brandon McCann
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Gutted"Young boy missing en route to Orlando, Florida
16 total reviews
Comment from Asem.inspirations
Hello Bret: First let me say that I was curious about the kind of Writer you would be. You have read some of my work so I decided that I should read some of your. I make it a habit to read the work of the Poets and Writers who read my work. I do read the other works also when I have the time but most of my reviews are of my Fans poems and writes and of those who read my work. This keeps me very busy.
As to this story, I am not much of a reader of stories that contain violence and murder but I will honestly say that as a parent your story caught my attention. As a parent I am horrified of this very thing ever happening to any of my children. We know that in real life this very thing has happened many times and will continue to happen. This is a world full of sick, disgusting people like your character, Wolford.
This story reminded me as a parent not to let my son go into any public toilets by himself. A twelve years old child should be able to do this but not in this world that we live in. I always tell my children, "It's not that I don't trust you, I just do not trust the world with you." I made a giant binder full of newspaper articles of the murders and horrors that were occurring from 2012 - 2015. I use to beg my children to take time to look at what is happening in the world. I did not mind scaring the day lights out of them to keep them aware.
Your story is very well written and it is full of reality and strong warning and message. As far as I am concerned it is an awareness story. I din't mind the well described goriness in your story. I usually can not stomach this sort of thing but your story was important enough and interesting enough to keep my attention.
You are an exceptional writer. I may follow the story but if I don't I will find other stories in your portfolio to read. Please have a wonderful day.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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Hello Bret: First let me say that I was curious about the kind of Writer you would be. You have read some of my work so I decided that I should read some of your. I make it a habit to read the work of the Poets and Writers who read my work. I do read the other works also when I have the time but most of my reviews are of my Fans poems and writes and of those who read my work. This keeps me very busy.
As to this story, I am not much of a reader of stories that contain violence and murder but I will honestly say that as a parent your story caught my attention. As a parent I am horrified of this very thing ever happening to any of my children. We know that in real life this very thing has happened many times and will continue to happen. This is a world full of sick, disgusting people like your character, Wolford.
This story reminded me as a parent not to let my son go into any public toilets by himself. A twelve years old child should be able to do this but not in this world that we live in. I always tell my children, "It's not that I don't trust you, I just do not trust the world with you." I made a giant binder full of newspaper articles of the murders and horrors that were occurring from 2012 - 2015. I use to beg my children to take time to look at what is happening in the world. I did not mind scaring the day lights out of them to keep them aware.
Your story is very well written and it is full of reality and strong warning and message. As far as I am concerned it is an awareness story. I din't mind the well described goriness in your story. I usually can not stomach this sort of thing but your story was important enough and interesting enough to keep my attention.
You are an exceptional writer. I may follow the story but if I don't I will find other stories in your portfolio to read. Please have a wonderful day.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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Appreciate your comments, support, and you taking the time to read this chapter.
Seems I accomplished my sole intention of writing this chapter. That was to shed some light on the dangers of pedophiles.
As I stated in my notes, I do not believe pedophiles can be rehabilitated and should be permanently locked away from society so they can not render this kind of harm to innocent children.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
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Okay Bret I may very well do this. You will definitely hear from me again. I promise.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Brett,
First let me say I have not read the previous chapters.
You are right. This one is graphic but all to true in today's crazy world.
Questions:
Brewster heard the page loud and clear. He observed the dead body one last time. It was spread out on the linoleum floor ready to be tagged, bagged, and carted off by the Coroner's Office upon their arrival.
[I found this a little confusing. You refer to the body as 'it'. I believe the word 'their' needs more explanation such as their arrival at the coroner's office. As it is, the it & their do not match in my opinion.]
Also if Becky Johnson was to escort Joshua to his grandparents, why did she let him go alone to the RR? Maybe add a few sentences about why or did Joshua sneak off before she met him?
If there was blood everywhere then did it just get on RW's jacket that he threw away? Did he have time to wash up before the old man came in the RR?
Please know that these are just questions I wondered about. Maybe they were answered in the other chapters that I did not read. Jan
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Brett,
First let me say I have not read the previous chapters.
You are right. This one is graphic but all to true in today's crazy world.
Questions:
Brewster heard the page loud and clear. He observed the dead body one last time. It was spread out on the linoleum floor ready to be tagged, bagged, and carted off by the Coroner's Office upon their arrival.
[I found this a little confusing. You refer to the body as 'it'. I believe the word 'their' needs more explanation such as their arrival at the coroner's office. As it is, the it & their do not match in my opinion.]
Also if Becky Johnson was to escort Joshua to his grandparents, why did she let him go alone to the RR? Maybe add a few sentences about why or did Joshua sneak off before she met him?
If there was blood everywhere then did it just get on RW's jacket that he threw away? Did he have time to wash up before the old man came in the RR?
Please know that these are just questions I wondered about. Maybe they were answered in the other chapters that I did not read. Jan
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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"their"in this case means the Coroner's Office.
Becky Johnson was escorting Brandon McCann, not Joshua McGirt.
Glad you took the time to read this chapter and to write a review.
Much more to come so I invite you ride along.
Comment from Mustang Patty
A nit: 'There was no better place to receive that information from.' (Ending the sentence with a preposition feels awkward here, or anywhere. The word preposition means positioned before. A preposition will sit before a word (a noun or a pronoun) to show that word's relationship to another nearby word. You end quite a few sentences with a preposition.)
Hey Brett; I think you did an okay job with this chapter. The brutal chapter set before us in the previous chapter called for a stronger follow-up. I think I needed more of Rickie's rage and thoughts.
Hope this helps,
~patty~
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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A nit: 'There was no better place to receive that information from.' (Ending the sentence with a preposition feels awkward here, or anywhere. The word preposition means positioned before. A preposition will sit before a word (a noun or a pronoun) to show that word's relationship to another nearby word. You end quite a few sentences with a preposition.)
Hey Brett; I think you did an okay job with this chapter. The brutal chapter set before us in the previous chapter called for a stronger follow-up. I think I needed more of Rickie's rage and thoughts.
Hope this helps,
~patty~
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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Appreciate your comments, support, and reviews.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
Comment from pome lover
I'm sorry. It was too horrible to read all of it - too graphic. where kids are concerned - who wants to read something like this? not a grandmother like me.
I would like to make a couple of comments as fellow writer if I may. In your first opening explanatory sentence, you had a typo - "quite" instead of "quit." Then after talking about David Brewster's welcome to OIA, you immediately jump to Rickie Wolford standing in the shadows.
You go from action to action with short paragraphs and not much setting and personal history of your characters to fill out your story.
Sorry about not reading much of it. just couldn't.
pome lover
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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I'm sorry. It was too horrible to read all of it - too graphic. where kids are concerned - who wants to read something like this? not a grandmother like me.
I would like to make a couple of comments as fellow writer if I may. In your first opening explanatory sentence, you had a typo - "quite" instead of "quit." Then after talking about David Brewster's welcome to OIA, you immediately jump to Rickie Wolford standing in the shadows.
You go from action to action with short paragraphs and not much setting and personal history of your characters to fill out your story.
Sorry about not reading much of it. just couldn't.
pome lover
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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If this made you cringe then I accomplished precisely what I set out to do: cast a light on these monsters known as pedophiles and the harm they can do to children.
As I stated in my notes, I do not believe pedophiles can be rehabilitated and should be permanently locked away from society where they can not harm innocent children.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
Personally, I believe paedophiles are not able to be rehabilitated, and therefore should be permanently locked away from society, where they can not harm young children as depicted in this chapter. ' I staunchly agree. In absolute honesty, with no frills, I can say this was gripping and I 'enjoyed it' in the gruesome way one does such scenes- you wrote it fantastically well. So keep on, don't be discouraged, I am not always nice in my reviews, I will always say what I think and I thought this was a great story, and very very interesting. So much so I am going to bookcase it and fan you kind regards, Meia x
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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Personally, I believe paedophiles are not able to be rehabilitated, and therefore should be permanently locked away from society, where they can not harm young children as depicted in this chapter. ' I staunchly agree. In absolute honesty, with no frills, I can say this was gripping and I 'enjoyed it' in the gruesome way one does such scenes- you wrote it fantastically well. So keep on, don't be discouraged, I am not always nice in my reviews, I will always say what I think and I thought this was a great story, and very very interesting. So much so I am going to bookcase it and fan you kind regards, Meia x
Comment Written 06-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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Thank you very much.
Glad you enjoyed this piece.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
Comment from Mabaker
You say this is publication ready. Okay, as you intended it's horrible. If that's your market you should do well. I read it because I need the money to get mine on show, this would not be my type of reading ... ever. In all its ugliness it tells what you set out to tell. I am giving you five stars, because I couldn't warrant six and it earned more than four. I hope others give you more of the feedback that you seek. This is the best I can do. Regards Mabaker
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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You say this is publication ready. Okay, as you intended it's horrible. If that's your market you should do well. I read it because I need the money to get mine on show, this would not be my type of reading ... ever. In all its ugliness it tells what you set out to tell. I am giving you five stars, because I couldn't warrant six and it earned more than four. I hope others give you more of the feedback that you seek. This is the best I can do. Regards Mabaker
Comment Written 06-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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Appreciate you telling me your true feelings about this chapter.
By horrible, I take it you mean the topic. And, on that matter, I could not agree more. The unfortunate truth is, these types of things happen every day.
If the chapter made you cringe reading it, then I accomplished what I intended to with this chapter: shedding some light on this unseemly common tragedy.
Actually, I wish more FanStorians would tell the truth in their reviews. The "good old boy" review system of this site drives me batty most of the time.
Comment from BOO ghost
Brandon McCann vanishes while en route to visit his grandparents in Orlando, Florida. So, why are dead corpses suddenly popping up in three states? Yeah, why are they? Strikes my curiosity and tickles me fancy. exactly what I been doing with my novel to make it book ready. I learned here on fanstory that you don't get many reviews if it is a long prose chapter. Nevertheless, we can buy a 600 page novel and read it? You get my drift. BOO will read and if I spot something that can be improved, will post it here. Words I like: (preadolescent) preadolescence. my word web corrected with this word. maybe word you looking for. Nice word, eviscerated.
You can also combine these words. The poor boy. He's dead!" The poor boy is dead. Makes it flow smooth as silk. BOO has discovered that there is no such thing as perfect in writing prose. The question is, how much time do we want to invest in our chapter. each time I look at my own work I can find ways to improve it,never is perfect. Like this slang. Old codger. your grammar don't look bad but anything can be tweaked. Seems like practice makes perfect, the more you write,the better your skills get. Let BOO read on. Deer hunters gut deer in this manner. i noticed that you mentioned deer before. the boy had been split open from his belly button to his heart. A nimrod could had slain him? i think more show would help you,I do a lot of telling too, I try to focus on showing more and use words not spoken too often.Like creating your own blueprint. BOO is not the expert editor. I try but are more people more qualified than me on grammar. Continuing on... making the paragraphs more uniform is a suggestion. Well, I know how hard it is,I quit writing for a year and jumped back in it. Anything can be made better. Good luck with your story!
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reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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Brandon McCann vanishes while en route to visit his grandparents in Orlando, Florida. So, why are dead corpses suddenly popping up in three states? Yeah, why are they? Strikes my curiosity and tickles me fancy. exactly what I been doing with my novel to make it book ready. I learned here on fanstory that you don't get many reviews if it is a long prose chapter. Nevertheless, we can buy a 600 page novel and read it? You get my drift. BOO will read and if I spot something that can be improved, will post it here. Words I like: (preadolescent) preadolescence. my word web corrected with this word. maybe word you looking for. Nice word, eviscerated.
You can also combine these words. The poor boy. He's dead!" The poor boy is dead. Makes it flow smooth as silk. BOO has discovered that there is no such thing as perfect in writing prose. The question is, how much time do we want to invest in our chapter. each time I look at my own work I can find ways to improve it,never is perfect. Like this slang. Old codger. your grammar don't look bad but anything can be tweaked. Seems like practice makes perfect, the more you write,the better your skills get. Let BOO read on. Deer hunters gut deer in this manner. i noticed that you mentioned deer before. the boy had been split open from his belly button to his heart. A nimrod could had slain him? i think more show would help you,I do a lot of telling too, I try to focus on showing more and use words not spoken too often.Like creating your own blueprint. BOO is not the expert editor. I try but are more people more qualified than me on grammar. Continuing on... making the paragraphs more uniform is a suggestion. Well, I know how hard it is,I quit writing for a year and jumped back in it. Anything can be made better. Good luck with your story!
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Comment Written 05-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Your comments, support, and reviews are also appreciated.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
Comment from Spitfire
I'm surprised this guy made it out of prison. Other inmates are not kind to those who harm children.
Does he show the boy's penis down his own throat or Joshua's?
That was the reason Wolford killed the boy, to shut him up so the loud commotion wouldn't draw an unwanted crowd. -- good motive for this acute violence.
I'm not sure if the last sentence works unless it is noted as the killer's thought.
Well-written, of course.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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I'm surprised this guy made it out of prison. Other inmates are not kind to those who harm children.
Does he show the boy's penis down his own throat or Joshua's?
That was the reason Wolford killed the boy, to shut him up so the loud commotion wouldn't draw an unwanted crowd. -- good motive for this acute violence.
I'm not sure if the last sentence works unless it is noted as the killer's thought.
Well-written, of course.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
Comment from Natali Holden
Loved it! Your chapter is hooking. I couldn't stop reading it. I wanted more with each sentence and I still want more. Here are the mistakes I spotted.
"'Stupid punk! Oh well. It is what it is and it's not going to change now(.)' Wolford vindicated his savagery." This should be a comma instead of a period.
"Young boy. Maybe twelve or thirteen. From what I've been told he's been cut up badly," Belvedere replied. Shaking his head in disbelief he stated, "(n)o one deserves to die like that! OCPD's got a handle on it." No needs capitalized.
Great job! Keep up the awesome writing! I can't wait 'til the next chapter!
Natali ;)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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Loved it! Your chapter is hooking. I couldn't stop reading it. I wanted more with each sentence and I still want more. Here are the mistakes I spotted.
"'Stupid punk! Oh well. It is what it is and it's not going to change now(.)' Wolford vindicated his savagery." This should be a comma instead of a period.
"Young boy. Maybe twelve or thirteen. From what I've been told he's been cut up badly," Belvedere replied. Shaking his head in disbelief he stated, "(n)o one deserves to die like that! OCPD's got a handle on it." No needs capitalized.
Great job! Keep up the awesome writing! I can't wait 'til the next chapter!
Natali ;)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Appreciate your comments and support.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
Comment from Ricky1024
Brett,
Graphic, horrid, and unfortunately...
Happens everday..
Thanks for this.
In NerJersey there had been Two, Recent, Amber Alerts...
Dr.Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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Brett,
Graphic, horrid, and unfortunately...
Happens everday..
Thanks for this.
In NerJersey there had been Two, Recent, Amber Alerts...
Dr.Ricky 1024
Comment Written 04-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
