Unleashed Chaos
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "His Secret"A Novel of the Breedline Series
5 total reviews
Comment from krprice
While this was interesting, I have a number of concerns and comments.
Unless this is in omniscient, I suggest you stay in one POV per scene. It gets confusing jumping from one head to another and you can't get a feel of one person.
Helen's eyes. . . Helen widened her eyes with excitement.
You're in Helen's POV. She can't see her face.
When Helen. . . Before reached. . .Should be reaching.
M in mahogany should be small.
"Hi, Lila. . . POV problem. You're in Lila's head not Casey's.
"Hmmm...POV problem.
Too many sentences beginning with a clause of phrase.
Helen approached. . . The Betadine. . . B should not be in caps.
Lila felt nervous. . . Show.
If thoughts are in italics, there is not need for words like he/she thought.
Outside, the. , , Before she sat. . .delete down as it is obvious.
They were, , , In spite of the fact that. . .Too wordy. Change to Even though. . .
As his. . . Casey felt panicked. . . Show
I recommend reading The Ten Percent Solution: Self Editing for the Modern Writer. It is a slim, blue book available at amazon.com.
The writing skills and talent are there. They just need to be honed more.
And the idea is quite interesting.
Karlene
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While this was interesting, I have a number of concerns and comments.
Unless this is in omniscient, I suggest you stay in one POV per scene. It gets confusing jumping from one head to another and you can't get a feel of one person.
Helen's eyes. . . Helen widened her eyes with excitement.
You're in Helen's POV. She can't see her face.
When Helen. . . Before reached. . .Should be reaching.
M in mahogany should be small.
"Hi, Lila. . . POV problem. You're in Lila's head not Casey's.
"Hmmm...POV problem.
Too many sentences beginning with a clause of phrase.
Helen approached. . . The Betadine. . . B should not be in caps.
Lila felt nervous. . . Show.
If thoughts are in italics, there is not need for words like he/she thought.
Outside, the. , , Before she sat. . .delete down as it is obvious.
They were, , , In spite of the fact that. . .Too wordy. Change to Even though. . .
As his. . . Casey felt panicked. . . Show
I recommend reading The Ten Percent Solution: Self Editing for the Modern Writer. It is a slim, blue book available at amazon.com.
The writing skills and talent are there. They just need to be honed more.
And the idea is quite interesting.
Karlene
Comment Written 04-Aug-2017
Comment from apky
Brilliant! I can't wait to find out what happens next between Casey and Lila, and Lila's parents. Below are a few suggestions. Have a grand week.
Before (she) reached the door that exited the Covenant, she stopped and looked into a mirror hanging on the wall.
The eleven story complex service's(is there a reason why you have the apostrophe in Service's?) included twenty-four-hour emergency care, women and infant services, cardiovascular care, behavioral health, orthopedics, and cancer diagnosis along with treatment.
It wasn't (that) she thought she was beneath him, Lila had just never had this kind of reaction from any other guy she'd met.
Why bother upsetting everyone? He(he) thought.
A delicate shiver danced over her skin when she felt his soothing gesture(I'd use "touch" instead of "gesture", which connotes some on-going motion).
I don't mean (to) press if you don't feel like talking about your family.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2017
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Brilliant! I can't wait to find out what happens next between Casey and Lila, and Lila's parents. Below are a few suggestions. Have a grand week.
Before (she) reached the door that exited the Covenant, she stopped and looked into a mirror hanging on the wall.
The eleven story complex service's(is there a reason why you have the apostrophe in Service's?) included twenty-four-hour emergency care, women and infant services, cardiovascular care, behavioral health, orthopedics, and cancer diagnosis along with treatment.
It wasn't (that) she thought she was beneath him, Lila had just never had this kind of reaction from any other guy she'd met.
Why bother upsetting everyone? He(he) thought.
A delicate shiver danced over her skin when she felt his soothing gesture(I'd use "touch" instead of "gesture", which connotes some on-going motion).
I don't mean (to) press if you don't feel like talking about your family.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2017
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Thank you, my dear friend :)
So glad you enjoyed my characters, Casey and Lila. I think they are a cute cupple.
So grateful for all your helpful advice here. This is awesome! You're a gem.
Thanks so much,
Shana :)
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You're the gem, darling!
Comment from royowen
Isn't it nice, to write of one's story characters to fall in love, being bond mates, even though Casey holds a secret? He has some interesting gifts, I wonder if he'll reveal them, and how will that affect the relationship? Initially there is someone self healing, who had been shot in the chest...and suffered a chest wound. Excellent episode, very imaginative and cleverly woven. Well done. Great talent. Blessings, Roy
Typo : before (reached) the door. Reaching? 2: I'm sorry Casey. I don't mean (to) press.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2017
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Isn't it nice, to write of one's story characters to fall in love, being bond mates, even though Casey holds a secret? He has some interesting gifts, I wonder if he'll reveal them, and how will that affect the relationship? Initially there is someone self healing, who had been shot in the chest...and suffered a chest wound. Excellent episode, very imaginative and cleverly woven. Well done. Great talent. Blessings, Roy
Typo : before (reached) the door. Reaching? 2: I'm sorry Casey. I don't mean (to) press.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2017
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Thank you, Roy:)
Yes, its nice to create a new loving relationship between my characters. This is fun to write. Glad you liked it.
The patient with the gunshot wound is going to be an important character in my story. Stay tuned & find out.
Thank you for catching my typos. Its so funny how you can read over and over, and never see such simple mistakes.
Always your fan,
Shana :)
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Always guard your back
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You're my Angel :)
Comment from Natali Holden
You are a talented writer. This is one of those books that I just don't want to put down. If I'm supposed to do something, I can't stop reading, so I just say one minute until I'm done reading it. I spotted one mistake. "Before ( )reached the door that exited the Covenant, she stopped and looked into a mirror hanging on the wall. Helen's reflection was crystal-clear in the glass, from her white doctor's coat to her Mahogany hair that was pulled up into a tight bun." ( ) should say either she or Helen. Fabulous job! I can't wait 'til more!
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2017
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You are a talented writer. This is one of those books that I just don't want to put down. If I'm supposed to do something, I can't stop reading, so I just say one minute until I'm done reading it. I spotted one mistake. "Before ( )reached the door that exited the Covenant, she stopped and looked into a mirror hanging on the wall. Helen's reflection was crystal-clear in the glass, from her white doctor's coat to her Mahogany hair that was pulled up into a tight bun." ( ) should say either she or Helen. Fabulous job! I can't wait 'til more!
Natali ;)
Comment Written 31-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2017
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Thank you, Natali :)
Its great to hear you're getting into the story. That is inspiring to me. A writer's dream.
Thanks for catching the missing word. It's so funny how I can so easily overlook that. You're awesome!
Shana :)
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks about premonition; he had never revealed his secret to anyone in the Covenant that his parents swore to keep his secret from the Covenant in fear of discrimination and rejection; his father only knew what truly he was; I liked.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2017
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This speaks about premonition; he had never revealed his secret to anyone in the Covenant that his parents swore to keep his secret from the Covenant in fear of discrimination and rejection; his father only knew what truly he was; I liked.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2017
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Thank you, Alcreator Litt Dear :)
So glad you enjoyed another adventure for the Breedline. Stay tuned... more to come.
Shana :)
