Comment from Pearl Edwards

Excellent

This is very nicely written from the POV of the child. Children just seem to accept illness, they are better at doing that than the adults I think at times like this. Just one suggestion I would change - Paula's Dad and (my) Mum - otherwise it reads like it is Paula's mum and dad.
cheers,
valda

 Comment Written 06-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017

Thanks for reading, Valda.
Sorry it took me so long to answer, but I was on holiday.

Comment from Mabaker

Excellent

She's quite the talker Paula, as her dad said she doesn't know the boundaries. But then when you are faced with something that can kill you, I guess boundaries don't mean a great deal. Great piece of writing Maria' Sincerely Anne.

 Comment Written 04-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 04-Aug-2017

I'm glad you liked it, Anne.
Thanks for reading.

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

Hi Maria Jose. I wish I had a six for this. I know the story is based on your daughter's illness when she was small. Its tenderness is amazing, and children can be so resilient. Something we adults have somehow forgotten about. All the best. Ulla:)))

 Comment Written 03-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017

I'm glad you've enjoyed it, Ulla. That's more important than the stars.
Thanks for reading.

Comment from kiwigirl2821

Excellent

Hi Maria. I don't think I've read this before. You have such a sensitive way of introducing situations for your characters. I used to work in Childrens Medical in Dallas Texas and it was painful to watch these brave little darlings go through everything they have to only to die in the finish. Great write. I'll be back for more! xoxo deborah

 Comment Written 01-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 01-Aug-2017

I'm glad you've enjoyed it. Even though it's a novel, it's based on my daughter's experience with leukemia when she was little.
Thanks for reading.

Comment from Asem.inspirations

Excellent

Oh Maria, this story is continuing to stay very interesting and how sad it was to meet Paula. she seems to be such a brave little girl. I guess she just got to a point where she realized that she needed to simply face her reality. This part breaks my heart because it is something that happens everyday in this system of things, this imperfect world that we live in. I am happy that thins went well for your daughter. I remember when You shared a video with us of her all grown up. I wonder though if Paula passed away. Was she telling the truth? Was she really dying? She sounded like a really honest little girl and besides dying is not something anyone jokes or lies about.

I so look forward to that days when God's real purpose of life for humans and for the earth will finally occur. (Isaiah 25:8, Isaiah 33:24, Psalm 37: 9-11 & 29, Revelation 21:3,4, Ecclesiastes 1:4, Isaiah 65:21&22, Isaiah 35:5&6, 1Acts 24:15, John 5:28,29, etc...)

 Comment Written 01-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 01-Aug-2017

Paula is based on a real-life girl who used to play with Iris when she was in hospital. Unfortunately, she passed away.
Thanks for your kind review.

Comment from Sis Cat

Excellent

I love this--the conversation between two girls undergoing cancer treatment. I can imagine such dialogue happening between two with similar experiences. This casual exchange jumped out at me as significant, because the girl is nonchalant about death:

'I have something called neuroblastoma. I think I'll probably die.'

I was shocked, but she didn't seem to mind. She just said it matter-of-factly. As if it was something she had learned in a geography class.

Mum looked away to hide her tears.

Your story engaged me. I found that twice you omitted an article: "stay in (the) hospital."

But the most pressing issue is your overuse of passive, weak verbs like "was" and "were." Notice this passage:

I wondered what the hurry WAS, it WASn't as if I WAS dying or anything. We got there in less than half an hour and when I got off I WAS glad there WAS a wheelchair waiting for me.

This type of writing that relies upon one verb is colorless and uses too many words. You active and descriptive verbs:

I wondered, "What's the hurry? I'm not dying or anything."

We arrived in less than half an hour. When the ambulance dropped me off, I smiled at the wheelchair awaiting me.


Try to vary your use of "was."

Other than that, I found this to be an engaging read. Thanks for sharing.

 Comment Written 01-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 01-Aug-2017

Thanks for reading and for your suggestions, Andre.
In British English you never use the article before hospital when you're talking about the patient. You use it if you're talking about a visitor or somebody who works there.
e.g.
He was taken to hospital
He went to the hospital to visit his aunt.

Comment from DR DIP

Excellent

Hehe I knew that was coming Maria I could sense that with paula's conversation. A nice little write as usual which always seem to get me in and considering I am not a reader thats a pretty good effort on my behalf lol

thanks for sharing..now give me a happy ending in the next instalment

dip

 Comment Written 31-Jul-2017

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reply by the author on 01-Aug-2017

Well, you'll have to wait till you reach the end of the novel to get your happy ending... ;)
Thanks for reading.

Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca

Excellent

This is so accurate. I have seen it where I work. The children that know the prognosis is not good, have the most courage I have ever seen. Very well written

 Comment Written 31-Jul-2017

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reply by the author on 31-Jul-2017

Children are very brave.
Thanks for reading.

Comment from royowen

Excellent

Iris is transferred to a bigger and better hospital, in an ambulance,,while in there she meets an eight year old girl called Paula, she asks if iris' mum is sing, the dear child wants a girlfriend for her dad, she doesn't know her mum well. A very sad piece, but it's amazing how pragmatic children, innocence knows no fear, well done, Maria, sensitively written, blessings, Roy

 Comment Written 31-Jul-2017

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reply by the author on 31-Jul-2017

Thanks for reading, Roy.

Comment from Teri7

Excellent

I enjoyed reading this story. You used very good descriptive wording, great dialogue with very good imagery written in your story. Blessings, Teri

 Comment Written 31-Jul-2017

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reply by the author on 31-Jul-2017

Thanks so much, Teri.