Brandon McCann
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Precarious"Young boy missing en route to Orlando, Florida
13 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Well, Brett he's certainly a nasty piece of work. I thought pedophiles were tagged these days when released on parole. Poor boy. Another life ruined to a monster.
around the stranger = strangers
as he watched the hubbub occur around him = delete around him. Reads better without 'occur'
He forget to lock the door behind him = he forgot to lock the door behind him. You changed from past tense to present tense.
Ulla:)
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2017
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Well, Brett he's certainly a nasty piece of work. I thought pedophiles were tagged these days when released on parole. Poor boy. Another life ruined to a monster.
around the stranger = strangers
as he watched the hubbub occur around him = delete around him. Reads better without 'occur'
He forget to lock the door behind him = he forgot to lock the door behind him. You changed from past tense to present tense.
Ulla:)
Comment Written 03-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
Comment from Curly Girly
Wolford is a well-chosen name for this evil man.
You wrote:
'Will this woman ever shut her flipping flea trap?' he secretly wondered to himself, 'This is one b-o-r-I-n-g prattle session.'
Suggest:
'Will this woman ever shut her flipping flea trap?' he wondered. 'This is one b-o-r-I-n-g prattle session.'
he secretly wondered to himself,
he wondered. / period
secretly & to himself--both are redundant here.
Oh, a sick ending! Not pleasant bedtime reading.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Wolford is a well-chosen name for this evil man.
You wrote:
'Will this woman ever shut her flipping flea trap?' he secretly wondered to himself, 'This is one b-o-r-I-n-g prattle session.'
Suggest:
'Will this woman ever shut her flipping flea trap?' he wondered. 'This is one b-o-r-I-n-g prattle session.'
he secretly wondered to himself,
he wondered. / period
secretly & to himself--both are redundant here.
Oh, a sick ending! Not pleasant bedtime reading.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Appreciate your comments, support, and the suggestion.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
Comment from Sisco Molinas
Excellent read and I found no SPaG -- it's a touchy subject you write about but so far so good. I was afraid I was going to read details there for a minute. Alone time in the bathroom of the Orlando airport stretches my WSOD a bit but nothing major. Good luck with the rest of it.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Excellent read and I found no SPaG -- it's a touchy subject you write about but so far so good. I was afraid I was going to read details there for a minute. Alone time in the bathroom of the Orlando airport stretches my WSOD a bit but nothing major. Good luck with the rest of it.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and write a review.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
What a story! What an ending! definitely a WOW factor here in this amazing and absorbing write. Well done this is absolutely terrific and very very much enjoyed kindest regards Meia x
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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What a story! What an ending! definitely a WOW factor here in this amazing and absorbing write. Well done this is absolutely terrific and very very much enjoyed kindest regards Meia x
Comment Written 02-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
Comment from emptypage
Helen Highwater????
This is interesting. The last part about the attacker and the boy is the best. The jargon used by the shrink is not usual and felt awkward, though. I don't know if you've ever had any therapy for anything, but I have, and shrinks talk just like everyone else. It doesn't matter if the person to whom the shrink speaks is also a therapist, unless they are in a lecture-type setting or a classroom, the therapist will speak clear and plain English. And your readers would appreciate the use of every day language, too. I mean, when's the last time anyone ever used "whereupon" in conversation?
So you've got the makings of a good story with a need for some changes for the sake of your audience.
I'll be waiting on the next post.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2017
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Helen Highwater????
This is interesting. The last part about the attacker and the boy is the best. The jargon used by the shrink is not usual and felt awkward, though. I don't know if you've ever had any therapy for anything, but I have, and shrinks talk just like everyone else. It doesn't matter if the person to whom the shrink speaks is also a therapist, unless they are in a lecture-type setting or a classroom, the therapist will speak clear and plain English. And your readers would appreciate the use of every day language, too. I mean, when's the last time anyone ever used "whereupon" in conversation?
So you've got the makings of a good story with a need for some changes for the sake of your audience.
I'll be waiting on the next post.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2017
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So you like my little play on that expression "Helen Highwater" do you?
Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Your comments, support, and reviews appreciated.
Comment from MizKat
Hi Brett,
I always like what you have written. This was very interesting to read, as usual. You're always great at writing things.
I was surprised to hear that you and Chuck are writing this book together.
The picture of the plane that he made was very nice.
Kat
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Hi Brett,
I always like what you have written. This was very interesting to read, as usual. You're always great at writing things.
I was surprised to hear that you and Chuck are writing this book together.
The picture of the plane that he made was very nice.
Kat
Comment Written 31-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Thanks.
Appreciate your comments, support, and reviews.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
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I will ride along with you. I don't remember if I saved what I had said before.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Wow this is going to be a teaching lesson as well as an eye opener. Very well written and the whole chapter led from history to suspense to climax as we need to be patient for the next.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Wow this is going to be a teaching lesson as well as an eye opener. Very well written and the whole chapter led from history to suspense to climax as we need to be patient for the next.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Always appreciate your comments, support, and reviews. So insightful.
Comment from Rasmine
I have to say that I didn't like this chapter. The writing was fine, but I wish the boy had the knife instead of the scum shithead. I don't think child molesters should ever get released from prison. They are way too dangerous -- much more than a drug addict or robber that never hurt anyone.
Your writing was really good.
I found one typo, I think: The attacker always did prefer blonds (Grammarly says it's fine, but I don't think you need the word 'always').
Peace
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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I have to say that I didn't like this chapter. The writing was fine, but I wish the boy had the knife instead of the scum shithead. I don't think child molesters should ever get released from prison. They are way too dangerous -- much more than a drug addict or robber that never hurt anyone.
Your writing was really good.
I found one typo, I think: The attacker always did prefer blonds (Grammarly says it's fine, but I don't think you need the word 'always').
Peace
Comment Written 31-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written chapter of this story. It is a reality today, everywhere is these predators preying on young vulnerable children to feed their sick appetite for sex, their excuse is that they cannot help themselves. The responsibility is on the parents to protect their children and inform them of the dangers in this world.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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A very well-written chapter of this story. It is a reality today, everywhere is these predators preying on young vulnerable children to feed their sick appetite for sex, their excuse is that they cannot help themselves. The responsibility is on the parents to protect their children and inform them of the dangers in this world.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
Comment from Ricky1024
"Well written "Stark Reality in a sad, and sometimes...
"Mad World."
"Remember the "Decapitated Little Boy, "Adam?"
"They never found the head?"
"The Father then started the TV show."
"America's, Most Wanted!"
...
"Wolford would be on it if he was real.
"But unfortunately, they are everywhere."
"The Mystic Island, New Jersey police posted placards on doorsof a Two, block, Radius of a recently and YOUNG, Peddie!"
"He was out only a month and got caught again soliciting and tempting a 12 year old!"
"With Video games!"
"Sick world?"
...
"The Psychologist's thoughts were impressive, Doctor West.'
"Or maybe I should just label you...
"B.M.W.?"
"Do you own one?"
LOL!
"and the answer to your question...
"Is this proper?"
"God YES!"
"The more attention, the less 'Adams.'
Doctor Ricky 1024.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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"Well written "Stark Reality in a sad, and sometimes...
"Mad World."
"Remember the "Decapitated Little Boy, "Adam?"
"They never found the head?"
"The Father then started the TV show."
"America's, Most Wanted!"
...
"Wolford would be on it if he was real.
"But unfortunately, they are everywhere."
"The Mystic Island, New Jersey police posted placards on doorsof a Two, block, Radius of a recently and YOUNG, Peddie!"
"He was out only a month and got caught again soliciting and tempting a 12 year old!"
"With Video games!"
"Sick world?"
...
"The Psychologist's thoughts were impressive, Doctor West.'
"Or maybe I should just label you...
"B.M.W.?"
"Do you own one?"
LOL!
"and the answer to your question...
"Is this proper?"
"God YES!"
"The more attention, the less 'Adams.'
Doctor Ricky 1024.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter.
More to come so I invite you to ride along.
