Travesty of Justice
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Collecting Evidence"Two people accused of a crime they didn't commit.
10 total reviews
Comment from apky
"I will. Oh, and Sergeant, we found a taxi receipt dated for today in Julia's purse."
"I wonder what she'll say about that."
Oh, heavens. Will the poor woman ever get some piece of mind? And of course you left it off there just to frustrate me, Misty, knowing how badly I want Julia and Larry out of harm's way.
Wish I had a six left for this one.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2017
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"I will. Oh, and Sergeant, we found a taxi receipt dated for today in Julia's purse."
"I wonder what she'll say about that."
Oh, heavens. Will the poor woman ever get some piece of mind? And of course you left it off there just to frustrate me, Misty, knowing how badly I want Julia and Larry out of harm's way.
Wish I had a six left for this one.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2017
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Thank you for the great review, knowing you wanted to give it a six is enough. I hate to tell you this but Julia's problems are far from over and Larry's too.
Thanks again for the wonderful review and wish for a six, take care.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I enjoy a good suspense story. Although this is well written, Misty, might I suggest you add in who it is that is speaking more often, as it becomes a little confusing in places.
How could I've possibly taken a trip to New York - this sounds strange.
How could I possibly have taken a trip to N....
You weren't in court last weekend(,) were you?" - add comma
"You're phone records prove - Your
Oh(,) and Sergeant, we found - add comma
Margaret
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2017
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I enjoy a good suspense story. Although this is well written, Misty, might I suggest you add in who it is that is speaking more often, as it becomes a little confusing in places.
How could I've possibly taken a trip to New York - this sounds strange.
How could I possibly have taken a trip to N....
You weren't in court last weekend(,) were you?" - add comma
"You're phone records prove - Your
Oh(,) and Sergeant, we found - add comma
Margaret
Comment Written 29-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review and your helpful suggestions. I've fixed all the errors and added in more speech tags like you suggested.
Thank you again for your great review, and your useful comments, take care.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Storyline contains enough action to move the tale along.
Several different directions you could travel this accounting in from this point forward.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2017
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Storyline contains enough action to move the tale along.
Several different directions you could travel this accounting in from this point forward.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review. I'm glad you found it interesting and hope you'll come back to see how it ends.
Thanks again for your review and your encouraging words, take care.
Comment from hvysmker
"I called Julia's phone, to see if I could trace it, but a young boy answers before I could get a location. When I question him about the phone, he says, he found it lying on a rock by where the guy was shot."
*** Okay, now. Let me get the chronology straight. Julia, or someone resembling her, used that phone to call a cab to Larry's house. Then a cab was called with that phone to go from Larry's back to the station. Julia was at the station a few minutes later - presumably with the phone in her possession, unless she left it in the cab or threw it out the taxi window. So, how did the boy find that phone near the shooting incident?
Good segment, Nicole. I didn't find any errors.
Charlie
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2017
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"I called Julia's phone, to see if I could trace it, but a young boy answers before I could get a location. When I question him about the phone, he says, he found it lying on a rock by where the guy was shot."
*** Okay, now. Let me get the chronology straight. Julia, or someone resembling her, used that phone to call a cab to Larry's house. Then a cab was called with that phone to go from Larry's back to the station. Julia was at the station a few minutes later - presumably with the phone in her possession, unless she left it in the cab or threw it out the taxi window. So, how did the boy find that phone near the shooting incident?
Good segment, Nicole. I didn't find any errors.
Charlie
Comment Written 28-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2017
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Thank for the great review. I'm sorry your so confused.Maybe this will help.
Julia's phone shows one call to the cab company 9 minutes before she disappears from the camera's view. They find that call to the cab company on her cell phone when they check the call log. The cabbie confirms he picked her up at the station dropped her off at Larry's. She later called to go back to the station but I didn't say she used the phone for the second call or that there was a second call to the taxi on the phone. When Jerry calls the boy picks up and explains where he found the phone. I didn't say they saw Julia with the phone when she returned. The officers are bringing the phone in when the chapter ends. Let me know if that helps.
Thanks again for your great review, take care.
The reason why I asked if you're alright yesterday is because you keep calling me Nicole. You are ok, right? You can call me what ever you want as long as I know you're ok.
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Oop! I'm currently following three novels, one by a Nicole. Sorry. It won't happen again Oscar.
Charlie
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all I care about is that you're ok.
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I'm okay. Nothing's changed lately.
Charlie
Comment from Rasmine
Hello, I think I read one of your chapters -- I did! I said something about all your dialogue.
Sometimes, it gets a little confusing to who is talking. I have one more suggestion -- read some printed novels to see how speech is written. I'm not saying that to put you down, just to help you improve. :)
Keep on writing!
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2017
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Hello, I think I read one of your chapters -- I did! I said something about all your dialogue.
Sometimes, it gets a little confusing to who is talking. I have one more suggestion -- read some printed novels to see how speech is written. I'm not saying that to put you down, just to help you improve. :)
Keep on writing!
Comment Written 28-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your review. Yes I remember you saying my writing is dialogue heavy, I did try to add a little description this time, added a few gestures, I guess it's still not enough so I'll keep working on it.
Thanks again for your great review and helpful suggestions, take care.
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A few chapters back you said that I need more description. I've been working on that. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by my new chapter The Conspiracy.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. A very well written crime story. I usually don't care much for detective stories but this one held my attention from start to finish. I didn't spot any errors.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2017
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Excellent. A very well written crime story. I usually don't care much for detective stories but this one held my attention from start to finish. I didn't spot any errors.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2017
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Thank you for such a fantastic review. Hearing you liked the story despite your dislike for detectives stories really makes my day. Thank you again for your wonderful review, take care
Comment from rheabug
This is an interesting story which I like. I have not read any other of you chapters but will try to do that. I do not see any faults in this presentation. Keep on writing with your gifted pen. Hugs...
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2017
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This is an interesting story which I like. I have not read any other of you chapters but will try to do that. I do not see any faults in this presentation. Keep on writing with your gifted pen. Hugs...
Comment Written 28-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2017
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Thank you so much for such a wonderful review. I'd be honored if you'd take the time to review my previous work.
Thank you again for the great review and your encouragement, take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Either Julia is a liar, or there are more coincidental happenings than hammerhead sharks around Bimini Island in the Bahamas. But I'm sure there is a logical answer, although, there hasn't been so far. LOL! Great job. :-)
(add) [remove]
--"Are you warm enough back there[?](,)" one of the officers asks, turning to face me[.](?)
--"So, why did you do it[?](,)" the cop questions?
--"We've heard that before(,) haven't we[,] Michaels[.](?)"
--"I don't see how(,-or-.) I checked on her throughout the day.
--"How," she sobs, glancing up at me[.](?) -or it could read- "How?" She sobs, glancing up at me.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2017
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Either Julia is a liar, or there are more coincidental happenings than hammerhead sharks around Bimini Island in the Bahamas. But I'm sure there is a logical answer, although, there hasn't been so far. LOL! Great job. :-)
(add) [remove]
--"Are you warm enough back there[?](,)" one of the officers asks, turning to face me[.](?)
--"So, why did you do it[?](,)" the cop questions?
--"We've heard that before(,) haven't we[,] Michaels[.](?)"
--"I don't see how(,-or-.) I checked on her throughout the day.
--"How," she sobs, glancing up at me[.](?) -or it could read- "How?" She sobs, glancing up at me.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2017
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Thanks for your great review. What do you think is she lying or is something going on? I was doing like you suggested but was told it was wrong so I looked it up to be sure and discovered this article from readers digest and found out he was right I was wrong . http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/questions-and-quandaries/grammar/question-mark-placement-in-dialogue
Thanks again for your wonderful review and your continued support, take care.
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Well, I had always put the question marks in with the question and especially inside quotations. But after three people thumped me for it and suggested that I change my thoughts, I figured they must all be right and just went along. Now, I'm not going to take anyone else's advice without looking it up. So many things are different in American English, or British and European that it's almost impossible to keep it all straight. Thanks for sharing. :-)
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It is hard to keep up.That's why google is now my best friend. That and youtube. You can find out about just about anything there. I hope I didn't come across as a smart-ass because that wasn't my intentions.
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No, you didn't come across as a smart butt at all. I am here just like everyone else trying to learn and get better. Three years ago I didn't know a noun from a verb, practically. I never had to learn, and didn't care to. But, you should be careful and double and triple check everything you learn online and Youtube, because I have been given tons of wrong information there as well. I'm practically a newbie myself, and every time I turn around I learn that I don't know what I think I do. LOL! Wishing you the best! :-)
Comment from Thal1959
This is all very well written, and like a good suspense story, the reader gets bits of information, but can never be sure if the accused are guilty or not - though it doesn't look good for Julia. The writing is fine, although the current tens use of "I say" or "I ask" is a little disconcerting. Even if the story is being told in the present tense, one usually would say "I said" or "I asked." But that is not an error, it is just personal style, which is OK. Only one "nit" in the writing. Read the line below out of the context of the previous remarks.
"I don't see how I checked on her throughout the day."
He doesn't see how he checked on her. At least, that's the way it sounds. The sentence begs either for a period after "how" or even a comma or semicolon to separate what are two independent clauses. Other than that - everything is great.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2017
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This is all very well written, and like a good suspense story, the reader gets bits of information, but can never be sure if the accused are guilty or not - though it doesn't look good for Julia. The writing is fine, although the current tens use of "I say" or "I ask" is a little disconcerting. Even if the story is being told in the present tense, one usually would say "I said" or "I asked." But that is not an error, it is just personal style, which is OK. Only one "nit" in the writing. Read the line below out of the context of the previous remarks.
"I don't see how I checked on her throughout the day."
He doesn't see how he checked on her. At least, that's the way it sounds. The sentence begs either for a period after "how" or even a comma or semicolon to separate what are two independent clauses. Other than that - everything is great.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review and your helpful suggestion, I am so glad you enjoyed it. Is she guilty, lol there's a lot of evidence against her and with her killing her previous husband, possible stabbing another, well... Guess you'll have to read more to know for sure.
Thanks again for the wonderful review and helpful suggestion, take care.
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You're welcome - it was my pleasure.
Comment from Possummagic
I like your book and can't wait for it to be finished so I can read it properly. You have a talent for writing and it seems so just flow onto the page. Very enjoyable and well constructed.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2017
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I like your book and can't wait for it to be finished so I can read it properly. You have a talent for writing and it seems so just flow onto the page. Very enjoyable and well constructed.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2017
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Thank you so much for the fantastic review and your encouraging words. It's reviewers like you that make it worth it.
Thank you again for all your support, take care.
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Do you mind if I "follow" you? Could I also ask you to review my story " The parrot with a stutter" it's quite light and won't take you long. Thanks in anticipation.
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I'd be honored if you followed me and I'll read your story right now.
