The fifth child
How a new baby slips into an already bulging household.6 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
I started out noting a couple of spelling errors that I soon stopped and deleted as they fell pale to your terrific description of Julia's birth and the the eventual meeting of the rest of the Tanners. Your writing style is very inviting and I enjoyed reading this introduction of your little sister. Any other criticism would be eliminated with a revision from another set of eyes. You've a few usage and spelling errors that are minor, and probably arguable. An example would be as Julia had a voice that was not set apart from the narrator somehow, even by single quotation marks to show a thought. Here's an example in the third paragraph:
Then she turned her head and snuggled into her mothers arms and felt immediately safe and secure. A slight nudge and an engorged button popped into her mouth and suddenly there was an explosion of warm, silky magic which she instinctively gulped greedily. 'Hmmm! Maybe this isn't so bad after all!'
I used a single quotation mark to separate that from any actual talking that may occur in the piece.
Enjoyed reading this. Yes, please "fan" me and I'll do the same. Happy day. Bill
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2017
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I started out noting a couple of spelling errors that I soon stopped and deleted as they fell pale to your terrific description of Julia's birth and the the eventual meeting of the rest of the Tanners. Your writing style is very inviting and I enjoyed reading this introduction of your little sister. Any other criticism would be eliminated with a revision from another set of eyes. You've a few usage and spelling errors that are minor, and probably arguable. An example would be as Julia had a voice that was not set apart from the narrator somehow, even by single quotation marks to show a thought. Here's an example in the third paragraph:
Then she turned her head and snuggled into her mothers arms and felt immediately safe and secure. A slight nudge and an engorged button popped into her mouth and suddenly there was an explosion of warm, silky magic which she instinctively gulped greedily. 'Hmmm! Maybe this isn't so bad after all!'
I used a single quotation mark to separate that from any actual talking that may occur in the piece.
Enjoyed reading this. Yes, please "fan" me and I'll do the same. Happy day. Bill
Comment Written 28-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2017
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Thank you Bill. I read your critique with interest. I'm not a skilled writer, in that I haven't written stories or poems before to any extent. The first piece I wrote in my life was " The Immigrant Child - 40 years on.." and I wrote that for my sister who turned 40 that year. That story has been added to, I've done prequels and generally shared it around with all and sundry without giving a thought to copyrights. The Immigration Museum has " taken it" it's been included in a book on £10 Pound Poms ( he told me he was doing an assignment at uni and "would I mind sharing some of my story"? ) So I found this site and it's taken me another year to getting around to using it. I want to learn as much as I can from other writers and by experimenting. I'm really happy that I've been able to put a few words together. I loved writing "the fifth child" and it was to be a present to another sister for her 50th but although it's a true story embellished, I've changed the names to protect my family's identity. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Comment from apky
All well that ends well - or something of the sort, they say.
I enjoyed the writing and at the end my mouth is now watering at the imagination of the sandwiches and, above all else, the trifle (with lots of Sherry or Port, I presume?)
Tiny triangular shaped sandwiches, cheese, cold meats, pickled onions and crackers; the most gorgeous trifle which was Mummy's specialty and little cakes topped with lemon icing.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2017
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All well that ends well - or something of the sort, they say.
I enjoyed the writing and at the end my mouth is now watering at the imagination of the sandwiches and, above all else, the trifle (with lots of Sherry or Port, I presume?)
Tiny triangular shaped sandwiches, cheese, cold meats, pickled onions and crackers; the most gorgeous trifle which was Mummy's specialty and little cakes topped with lemon icing.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2017
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I enjoyed writing that piece. It's the earl stages of a " novel in progress"
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I enjoyed writing that piece. It's the earl stages of a " novel in progress"
Comment from Fridayauthor
This is a nice story from a different perspective of the birth and first days of a child. It has a warmth about it that is touching.
Thank you for sharing it in this posting.
Paragraph separation after..., Sophie and Mary.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2017
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This is a nice story from a different perspective of the birth and first days of a child. It has a warmth about it that is touching.
Thank you for sharing it in this posting.
Paragraph separation after..., Sophie and Mary.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your comments. I did as you suggested and inserted a new paragraph. Thank you for that.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hello Possummagic. What a great story. I love the retelling of births. It's great how you took your place and fit in. I like the part too about when the cord was being cut, milk arrives and a bath afterwards. Awesome story. Good luck in your contest. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2017
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Hello Possummagic. What a great story. I love the retelling of births. It's great how you took your place and fit in. I like the part too about when the cord was being cut, milk arrives and a bath afterwards. Awesome story. Good luck in your contest. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 25-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2017
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Thank you so much your encouragement is very helpful as it increases my confidence.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks a true story about the birth of a fifth child in a large family and how perfectly or modestly the baby is appreciated to give a place alongwith mother; I liked.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2017
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This speaks a true story about the birth of a fifth child in a large family and how perfectly or modestly the baby is appreciated to give a place alongwith mother; I liked.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Thank you so much for your edit
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thank you for sharing your entry in the True Story contest. The details of the baby and the things that surround her are put together well.
Some of the writing seems disorganized and you may want to put things in a more logical order - with a clear timeline,
~patty~
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2017
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Thank you so much for your edit
_______________________________________
thank you for sharing your entry in the True Story contest. The details of the baby and the things that surround her are put together well.
Some of the writing seems disorganized and you may want to put things in a more logical order - with a clear timeline,
~patty~
Comment Written 25-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your comments. I used your suggestion and disassembled my work then put it back together correctly. That was very useful feedback.
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I think this version is much better. I will go back and upgrade your rating to a five star
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Thank you. It was worth the effort of pulling it apart and reconstructing it. I like it better now too!
