Comment from estory

Excellent

This scene is very intense, the dialogue is rife with tension and seems to convey the emotions of these characters. There might be a touch too much narrative in it. I would expand the dialogue, let the emotions come up through that instead of trying to explain it in narrative. It comes to life better in dialogue. I think you left it with a good hook, we are eager to see what happens next, where these two are going. so the suspense as a series is good. estory

 Comment Written 26-Jul-2017

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reply by the author on 27-Jul-2017

thank you so much for your thoughtful review of this piece.

~patty~

Comment from smbau

Excellent

Creatively crafted. The plot and settings moves from one location to the other, makes the story interesting. Great description of emotions felt by the characters on first person bases. The story leaves us in suspense and look forward to reading next chapter.
Optional suggestions:
"...as the door [was] closed behind him..." vs "...as the door closed behind him..."
"...of five [foot] four." vs "...of five feet four"
"...the words [he's] whispered..." vs "...the words he whispered..."

 Comment Written 26-Jul-2017

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reply by the author on 27-Jul-2017

thank you so much for your thoughtful review of this piece.

~patty~

Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)

Excellent

A very well written chapter, my friend. It is sad but true that so very often couples end up so mad at each other they can't talk and work things out~Debbie

 Comment Written 25-Jul-2017

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reply by the author on 27-Jul-2017

Hi Debbie;
thank you so much for your thoughtful review of this piece.

~patty~

Comment from emptypage

Excellent

Boy, a little misunderstanding can really get blown up into one helluva mess, can't it? We are creatures of selfishness, basically, and we rarely even think to ask the other person's point of view. Look at how well that works out. LOL, so far.

 Comment Written 25-Jul-2017

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reply by the author on 25-Jul-2017

Hi there; I'm glad you enjoyed this latest installment of the story. I'm working on the next part of the story now, and it should be up in the next few days.

~patty~

Comment from Janilou

Excellent

It's certainly a dramatic chapter. I'm not sure what to suggest about the story line as you are basing this on a true story.
If anything, some of the emotions feel a little too dramatic, or wordy. Less is sometimes more.
Jan

 Comment Written 25-Jul-2017

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reply by the author on 25-Jul-2017

hi there; thank you so much for reading.

~patty~

Comment from rtobaygo

Exceptional

Good afternoon,Patty

Excellent continuation! You captured the essence of her hurt and anger and his ignorance regarding what he did to her.He obviously he doesn't get it he betrayed her trust and love. Enjoyed.

Take care and stay safe,

Ray

 Comment Written 25-Jul-2017

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reply by the author on 25-Jul-2017

Hi Ray; thank you so much for the lovely review of this latest chapter. I'm working on the next part, and it should be up within the next few days.

Thanks for your continued support of my writing,

~patty~
ps; the shining sixth star made for a good find in my message box

Comment from SarahPenn1

Excellent

I love the last line. Often we feel that if we chose to adopt hatred instead of love, it means that we can come to some sort of closure.
Brilliantly detailed throughout.
Betrayal hurts and most of all when it comes from someone you love. You describe her loss beautifully.

Thank you!
-S

 Comment Written 25-Jul-2017

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reply by the author on 25-Jul-2017

thank you so much for the lovely review of this part of my ongoing story. There are still more twists and turns and I hope you will join me on this journey,

~patty~

Comment from Pearl Edwards

Exceptional

Great story telling in this chapter Patty. I like the fact that you given us the emotions that both Jenny and Ron were feeling. Both stubborn and hurt and not willing to admit it. Well done,
cheers,
valda

 Comment Written 24-Jul-2017

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017

Hi Valda; thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I'm glad you enjoyed the piece well enough to award it the shining sixth star. Such an honor!

~patty~

Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

Grrrr..... TELL HER, you idiot! She still thinks you were dating Veronica. Jenny is better off without such a STUPID man. Men are dense in general, but this one wins the prize.

 Comment Written 24-Jul-2017

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017

LOL!!! It wouldn't be so funny if I didn't know him in real life. He was such a dunce when we were all in our twenties. Time has been kind to him,

~patty~

Comment from dweigt

Exceptional

I like it! Lots of emotion and unresolved conflict!

Moving from one viewpoint to the other shows us both characters very clearly, and we can see how the argument gets out of control. You do a good job of separating the sections and letting us know immediately who's head we are in, so it isn't confusing.

No spags found.

Keep writing!

 Comment Written 24-Jul-2017

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017

Hi; thank you so much for reading AND the shining sixth star.

I'm glad you liked this chapter and thank you for telling me that I made it easy to keep track of who was talking.

More twists and turns to come,

~patty~