Travesty of Justice
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Searching for Clues"Two people accused of a crime they didn't commit.
7 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
This is quite the complex case. Because so much of the story is told through the dialog which is very well done, I think this might work well as a script. I'm not sure why Julia's husband put a restraining order against her but I just jumped in here so there's a lot I missed.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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This is quite the complex case. Because so much of the story is told through the dialog which is very well done, I think this might work well as a script. I'm not sure why Julia's husband put a restraining order against her but I just jumped in here so there's a lot I missed.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2017
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Thank you for the great review I do tend to get heavy on dialogue it's something I need to work on. Julia's husband Bill put a restraining order on her after she was arrested for a murder she claims she didn't commit. He then took the kids and fled the state. No one has been able to find him.
Thank you again for the great review, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
well, well, some nice twists and turns here.
"How, we picked him up when he was out walking around." - should probably be a question mark in here.
"I'm sorry about that," I apologize, unlocking the cuffs.
"Is that better?" - pieces of dialogue like this would be better presented as such -
"I'm sorry about that," I apologize, unlocking the cuffs. "Is that better?" - in this way it shows the continued speech. When you place the second part on a separate line, the reader may think it is a new speaker.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2017
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Hi there,
well, well, some nice twists and turns here.
"How, we picked him up when he was out walking around." - should probably be a question mark in here.
"I'm sorry about that," I apologize, unlocking the cuffs.
"Is that better?" - pieces of dialogue like this would be better presented as such -
"I'm sorry about that," I apologize, unlocking the cuffs. "Is that better?" - in this way it shows the continued speech. When you place the second part on a separate line, the reader may think it is a new speaker.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your great review and helpful suggestions. I didn't know you could do that, put it all on one line. I figured it had to be separated because of the action in the middle. Thank you for teaching me something new, take care.
Comment from apky
I'm so relieved Larry's family is still alive. This was another chapter full of action, twists and turns. I still marvel at how well you know your way around the law establishment!
Feeling tension build between them, I step in between them. ~ here you have the word "between" twice, in a very short sentence. Perhaps you could say "I step in to separate them"?
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2017
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I'm so relieved Larry's family is still alive. This was another chapter full of action, twists and turns. I still marvel at how well you know your way around the law establishment!
Feeling tension build between them, I step in between them. ~ here you have the word "between" twice, in a very short sentence. Perhaps you could say "I step in to separate them"?
Comment Written 21-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2017
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Thank you so much for your kind words and your wonderful review. I didn't realize I did that, I'll go fix it now.
Thank you again for your great review, and your helpful suggestion, take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I can't figure out how you went from having multiple spag issues on every post, to posting two straight chapters without any to mention? Not that I really care why, I'm just happy for such drastic improvement over a week. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2017
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I can't figure out how you went from having multiple spag issues on every post, to posting two straight chapters without any to mention? Not that I really care why, I'm just happy for such drastic improvement over a week. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2017
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Your wonderful review made me smile. I've taken your advice, read word for word at an extremely slow rate.
Thank you for all your advice and encouragement, take care.
Last night I was thinking about another story idea something that might be up your alley. There's a magical book that physically takes their readers on an adventure. The adventure would be tailor made to fit the particular reader. If someone isn't supposed to read the story they'll see blank pages.What do you think? I have two more brewing in my head too lipstick killer and Facebook slasher. Both promise to be very gory.
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Sounds like your brew is bubbling over with ideas and imagination. Strike while the pen is hot. Those ideas come and go for all of us. Get your gore out girl, for all of us to enjoy. :-)
Comment from EverInParadise
I realize this must be a chapter somewhere after the beginning of this story, but I became instantly confused by certain names and titles of the characters involved in it. 1) Two different spellings of Allen and Allan. 2) At one point an officer is identified as "Captain" and later referred to as "Sargent". I stopped reading when the dialogue lost the characters. Keep writing and trying to "get it right". Me too.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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I realize this must be a chapter somewhere after the beginning of this story, but I became instantly confused by certain names and titles of the characters involved in it. 1) Two different spellings of Allen and Allan. 2) At one point an officer is identified as "Captain" and later referred to as "Sargent". I stopped reading when the dialogue lost the characters. Keep writing and trying to "get it right". Me too.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Yes, this chapter is closer to the end. Maybe if I explain the characters it'll make more sense.
Joe the captain is the one running down the hall.
Rachel, the sergeant is the one who's telling the story.
Allen is the DA
Kirk is a Detective.
The Allen the DA and Joe is in the interrogation room, Rachel is outside the room talking to Kirk, then listens, watches through the glass.
I didn't realize I misspelled Allen so thank you for catching that. Take care.
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You're welcome. The spell check doesn't catch everything so we must read and re-read. Keep up the good work.
Comment from hvysmker
Allen and I start to step in the interrogation room when I see Joe running down the hall.
*** step into
What happened yesterday between Allen and Kirk, only strengthens his belief.
*** strengthened
Feeling tension build between them, I step in the middle.
*** into
"Larry's boss said he took a three day weekend, so he can spend some time with his family in Florida."
*** could
"I've already tried, Sergeant, but it's been wiped clean."
*** Wouldn't the phone company have a list of calls?
Oh, Golly, that was an unexpected twist.
I'm reminded of a case while I lived in Waikiki. There had been a long series of rapes around the university and a composite likeness drawn up. The police picked up a man walking in the area and called in witnesses that swore he was the man. He denied it, saying he was home alone at those times but the police didn't believe him. Damn but the newspapers disrespected his rights with articles crucifying.
Just before the the trial, another guy was caught in the act by a boyfriend of the victim. The newspaper showed pictures of both, side by side, and they looked exactly the same. At that time I was reminded of how I spent most of my off work hours at home drinking and reading. That it could have happened with ME. Eyewitness accounts are NOT all that accurate.
Some minor errors, but the story and its twist were very entertaining.
Charlie
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Allen and I start to step in the interrogation room when I see Joe running down the hall.
*** step into
What happened yesterday between Allen and Kirk, only strengthens his belief.
*** strengthened
Feeling tension build between them, I step in the middle.
*** into
"Larry's boss said he took a three day weekend, so he can spend some time with his family in Florida."
*** could
"I've already tried, Sergeant, but it's been wiped clean."
*** Wouldn't the phone company have a list of calls?
Oh, Golly, that was an unexpected twist.
I'm reminded of a case while I lived in Waikiki. There had been a long series of rapes around the university and a composite likeness drawn up. The police picked up a man walking in the area and called in witnesses that swore he was the man. He denied it, saying he was home alone at those times but the police didn't believe him. Damn but the newspapers disrespected his rights with articles crucifying.
Just before the the trial, another guy was caught in the act by a boyfriend of the victim. The newspaper showed pictures of both, side by side, and they looked exactly the same. At that time I was reminded of how I spent most of my off work hours at home drinking and reading. That it could have happened with ME. Eyewitness accounts are NOT all that accurate.
Some minor errors, but the story and its twist were very entertaining.
Charlie
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Thank you so much for such a fantastic review. That second in/ into was giving me trouble. I'd change it one way, then next edit I'd decide I didn't like it and change it back. The sentence is now I stepped in between them. Should've done that the first time. Your right they would have, but that's a lot of red tape and unnecessary when you have boy genius on your team.
Thanks again for such a wonderful review, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Very exciting. Turns out his family is alive, so Marty is just toying wiht Larry for some reason. I can't guess who wants to see Larry upset... can you? LOL!
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Very exciting. Turns out his family is alive, so Marty is just toying wiht Larry for some reason. I can't guess who wants to see Larry upset... can you? LOL!
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Thank you for such a great review. Marty is a piece of work, for sure, but this little stunt is just a part of the big picture. With him out of the way, Julia is an easy target.
Thanks again for the great review, take care.
