Travesty of Justice
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Devastating News"Two people accused of a crime they didn't commit.
9 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Solid continuation of the story. And a great hook at the end to make the reader want more.
Few bits and pieces-
Isn't that right, Boss." Jerry snickers - I think this needs a question mark.
I say, scanning through the file." - delete the speech marks from the end here.
Grabbing ahold of my hand - ahold isn't a word, it is a hold.
"Sweetheart," he asks again - question mark needed.
"What's going on, Joe," I ask, - question mark needed.
"It does seem a little suspicious,"I agree - insert a space before I.
looked into the credit cards history?" - cards'.
"What is it, Larry? What's wrong," Julia asks. - question mark needed at the end of the dialogue again.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2017
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Hi there,
Solid continuation of the story. And a great hook at the end to make the reader want more.
Few bits and pieces-
Isn't that right, Boss." Jerry snickers - I think this needs a question mark.
I say, scanning through the file." - delete the speech marks from the end here.
Grabbing ahold of my hand - ahold isn't a word, it is a hold.
"Sweetheart," he asks again - question mark needed.
"What's going on, Joe," I ask, - question mark needed.
"It does seem a little suspicious,"I agree - insert a space before I.
looked into the credit cards history?" - cards'.
"What is it, Larry? What's wrong," Julia asks. - question mark needed at the end of the dialogue again.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 15-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your review and always helpful suggestions. I have two question, about speech tags. 1. you suggested a ? in several speech tags. What's a good rule of thumb to follow? 2. Should you capitalize after the punctuation? I'm sorry to bother you with such a simple question but I need to know so I won't repeat the mistakes again.
Thank you again for your always helpful advice, take care.
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No problem.
1) If there is a question in the dialogue it should have a speech mark, even if using the tag of ask/asked.
2) you only capitalise a speech tag if it's name or proper noun (like Father etc). Generally speaking it's he said, not He said even if the dialogue ends with a full stop (although it is normally best to use a comma and then a full stop after the tags), question mark or exclamation mark.
All the best
G
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So which would be correct?
What's going on Joe, I ask?
What's going on Joe, I ask.
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'What's going on, Joe?' I ask.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Interesting turn of events. It seems either Kirk or the DA is up to something. Not sure what the revelation is for Larry, but I've missed some parts of your story. I made a few notes for your consideration.
The Next few days were worrisome for both Larry and I. Between jury selection and verdict deliberation; our nerves were pushed to the edge. --next (lower cased). You slip into past tense. are instead of were two times.
"What's going on Larry?" --Missing comma before Larry.
Good work on this part,
Russell
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2017
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Interesting turn of events. It seems either Kirk or the DA is up to something. Not sure what the revelation is for Larry, but I've missed some parts of your story. I made a few notes for your consideration.
The Next few days were worrisome for both Larry and I. Between jury selection and verdict deliberation; our nerves were pushed to the edge. --next (lower cased). You slip into past tense. are instead of were two times.
"What's going on Larry?" --Missing comma before Larry.
Good work on this part,
Russell
Comment Written 15-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your great review and your helpful suggestions. I changed what you suggested.
Thank you again, take care.
Comment from Mr. Green
You have a very interesting way of writing. Your conversations pull the reader through to see what is going to happen next. I did notice one thing that caused me to pause, In the very beginning, in the second paragraph under "Julia," you write the following question:
"You don't you remember how you rubbed it in our faces about being right again, Sergeant?."
I am not sure if you meant "You(,) don't you remember..." or if you intended to drop the first word, and write "Don't you remember..."
This caused me to stop and read the question a couple of times, and then to make my own interpretation of your intent. The rest of the chapter was smooth and very enjoyable.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2017
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You have a very interesting way of writing. Your conversations pull the reader through to see what is going to happen next. I did notice one thing that caused me to pause, In the very beginning, in the second paragraph under "Julia," you write the following question:
"You don't you remember how you rubbed it in our faces about being right again, Sergeant?."
I am not sure if you meant "You(,) don't you remember..." or if you intended to drop the first word, and write "Don't you remember..."
This caused me to stop and read the question a couple of times, and then to make my own interpretation of your intent. The rest of the chapter was smooth and very enjoyable.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review and encouraging words. You're right that does read a little odd. I changed it to Don't you remember... Thanks for catching that.
Thanks again for your great review, take care.
Comment from emptypage
Ah... I might have to punish you for this cliffhanger. I hate it!! Argh....
Interesting--very interesting---chapter. I am dying to find out what the text was. Shoot. When will the next part be out??
I'll be thinking about this all day.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2017
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Ah... I might have to punish you for this cliffhanger. I hate it!! Argh....
Interesting--very interesting---chapter. I am dying to find out what the text was. Shoot. When will the next part be out??
I'll be thinking about this all day.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2017
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Thank you for the great review. I'm glad your so interested in my story. I would apologize for the cliffhanger but It wouldn't be sincere, it's the only way I know to keep you guys coming back. The next part should be out Sunday.
Thanks again for the wonderful review. See you Sunday, take care.
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Oh, don't apologize or even suggest such a thing. Cliffhangers drive readers. They are always good. Except at the end of a book. I hate books that require you to read a sequel. Series should be comprised of stand-alone books, in my opinion, but these days everyone uses cliffhangers to make ppl buy their next books, LOL.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well, you're going to get tired of me say this, but your writing gets better with every post. Now that you are finding and correcting most of your own mistakes, you only need to analyze every sentence more carefully to spit shine them to damn-near perfection. Keep up the good work.
(add) [remove]
--Luckily for me, my partners didn't [since] (sense) he's the one that sold Julia the knife.
--"You don't [you] remember how you rubbed it in our faces about being right again, Sergeant?"
--"If I remember correctly(,) you said you've been right three cases in a row.
--"So there will still be an[,] us when this is all over?"
--"We will [ravine-is a narrow, deep-sided valley] (resume this session) tomorrow at nine am. [c] (C)ourt is [dismissed-when court is dismissed, the case is usually over] {So, I'm assuming, court would be (adjourned) until 9:00am tomorrow} ," the judge announces.
--I look towards her[,] with tears in my eyes.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2017
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Well, you're going to get tired of me say this, but your writing gets better with every post. Now that you are finding and correcting most of your own mistakes, you only need to analyze every sentence more carefully to spit shine them to damn-near perfection. Keep up the good work.
(add) [remove]
--Luckily for me, my partners didn't [since] (sense) he's the one that sold Julia the knife.
--"You don't [you] remember how you rubbed it in our faces about being right again, Sergeant?"
--"If I remember correctly(,) you said you've been right three cases in a row.
--"So there will still be an[,] us when this is all over?"
--"We will [ravine-is a narrow, deep-sided valley] (resume this session) tomorrow at nine am. [c] (C)ourt is [dismissed-when court is dismissed, the case is usually over] {So, I'm assuming, court would be (adjourned) until 9:00am tomorrow} ," the judge announces.
--I look towards her[,] with tears in my eyes.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your great review and all of your helpful suggestions. I do have a question about one sense instead of since? I've fixed the other things you suggested.
Thank you again for the review and helpful suggestion, take care.
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See, we all make mistakes. I misread what you were intending for your sentence to say. Sorry.
It should read:
Lucky for me, my partner didn't, since he's the one who sold Julia the knife.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Sounds like corruption in the court, so Julia is being blamed for something one of the officials did. This makes it very hard to bring out the truth. Now, the ending... what was that about? Scary! I'm almost afraid to turn the page! :)
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2017
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Sounds like corruption in the court, so Julia is being blamed for something one of the officials did. This makes it very hard to bring out the truth. Now, the ending... what was that about? Scary! I'm almost afraid to turn the page! :)
Comment Written 12-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2017
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Thanks for the wonderful review. No Julia is being accused of something a psychopath might have done. Then again maybe she did it. She did kill her first husband supposedly in self-defense and she shot a man in Larry's house again claiming self-defense. The police can't seem to determine one way or another if what she's claiming is true. The news is going to shatter Larry's world.
Thank you again for your great review, take care.
Comment from hvysmker
"You don't you remember how you rubbed it in our faces about being right again, Sergeant?"
"I'd never do that, Jerry." I smile innocently, knowing darn well I would.
*** .....would have"?
"It says here that he has an Aunt and Uncle living in Florida, maybe I should warn them that he might be on his way."
*** I'd split that sentence?
"Wouldn't someone notice the blood splatter on her clothes?"
*** Blood wouldn't necessarily splatter from a knife wound unless an artery is hit or the victim struggled afterward.
"Blood splatter that's it, Rachel," Kirk says, running out the door.
*** I'd split that sentence after "splatter"?
Julia
Paralyzing memories of my first husband's abuse starts running through my head.
*** start
When I didn't answer, he rushes back up to my side. "Sweetheart," he asks again.
*** don't
Rachel
"I have someone who'll testify she bought the knife from Luigi Greco, but can't give me a specific time when the purchase was made."
*** I'm a little mixed up, Mistydawn. Either because of the time lag in postings or another story I crited. Wasn't the killing by a kitchen knife, one of a set? If so, where she got it would be immaterial. Or, I'm only mixed up.
"Sergeant, that was the DA he said he's not requesting a warrant for the credit card records."
*** I'd split that sentence?
"Yes, Captain." the young detective replies, nervously approaching his superior officers.
*** Comma after "Captain"
Larry
"We will ravine tomorrow at nine am. court is dismissed," the judge announces.
*** "ravine" or "reconvene"? Also, a capital "Court".
"Are you ready for your trial, Julia?" I ask as I'm gathering up my papers.
"I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be," she says, shuffling through the doors.
We'd just stepped into the hallway when my phone rings.
*** We've
A lot of action with a good ending sentence to the posting. I do think there are more errors than I expected and that you should have read it more carefully before posting.
Charlie
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2017
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"You don't you remember how you rubbed it in our faces about being right again, Sergeant?"
"I'd never do that, Jerry." I smile innocently, knowing darn well I would.
*** .....would have"?
"It says here that he has an Aunt and Uncle living in Florida, maybe I should warn them that he might be on his way."
*** I'd split that sentence?
"Wouldn't someone notice the blood splatter on her clothes?"
*** Blood wouldn't necessarily splatter from a knife wound unless an artery is hit or the victim struggled afterward.
"Blood splatter that's it, Rachel," Kirk says, running out the door.
*** I'd split that sentence after "splatter"?
Julia
Paralyzing memories of my first husband's abuse starts running through my head.
*** start
When I didn't answer, he rushes back up to my side. "Sweetheart," he asks again.
*** don't
Rachel
"I have someone who'll testify she bought the knife from Luigi Greco, but can't give me a specific time when the purchase was made."
*** I'm a little mixed up, Mistydawn. Either because of the time lag in postings or another story I crited. Wasn't the killing by a kitchen knife, one of a set? If so, where she got it would be immaterial. Or, I'm only mixed up.
"Sergeant, that was the DA he said he's not requesting a warrant for the credit card records."
*** I'd split that sentence?
"Yes, Captain." the young detective replies, nervously approaching his superior officers.
*** Comma after "Captain"
Larry
"We will ravine tomorrow at nine am. court is dismissed," the judge announces.
*** "ravine" or "reconvene"? Also, a capital "Court".
"Are you ready for your trial, Julia?" I ask as I'm gathering up my papers.
"I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be," she says, shuffling through the doors.
We'd just stepped into the hallway when my phone rings.
*** We've
A lot of action with a good ending sentence to the posting. I do think there are more errors than I expected and that you should have read it more carefully before posting.
Charlie
Comment Written 12-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your review and all of your helpful suggestions. You have this story confused with someone else's. Julia bought a knife from a homeless guy for her second husband's birthday. The question is did she use that knife to kill someone or did the guy kill then sold it to Julia? The news that Larry just read is going to shatter his world.
Thank you again for all of your help, take care.
Comment from apky
A good piece, except for the small nits below.
Luckily for me, my partners (should this be singular?) didn't since he's the one that sold Julia the knife.
"If memory serves, you guys were busy chasing your tails while I captured the killer," I say(delete.)(add,) scanning through the file."
"So there will still be an(delete ,) us when this is all over?" ~ If you want to show that Julia hesitates after "an", do this by adding three dots.
"Yes, Captain(make this a comma .)" the young detective replies, nervously approaching his superior officers.
"We will ravine tomorrow at nine am. (upper case C)court is dismissed," the judge announces.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2017
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A good piece, except for the small nits below.
Luckily for me, my partners (should this be singular?) didn't since he's the one that sold Julia the knife.
"If memory serves, you guys were busy chasing your tails while I captured the killer," I say(delete.)(add,) scanning through the file."
"So there will still be an(delete ,) us when this is all over?" ~ If you want to show that Julia hesitates after "an", do this by adding three dots.
"Yes, Captain(make this a comma .)" the young detective replies, nervously approaching his superior officers.
"We will ravine tomorrow at nine am. (upper case C)court is dismissed," the judge announces.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review and your helpful suggestions. Your help and support is always appreciated.
Thanks again, take care.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks devastating news, the evidence show that Tito Greco was responsible for all of the deaths, which was impossible since he was out of the country and that twin died at birth; I liked.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2017
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This speaks devastating news, the evidence show that Tito Greco was responsible for all of the deaths, which was impossible since he was out of the country and that twin died at birth; I liked.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review. That Tito Greco bit is from another one of my stories, What Goes Around. I'm trying to link them all together as a series.
Thank you again for your wonderful review, take care.
