Travesty of Justice
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Self-Defense"Two people accused of a crime they didn't commit.
8 total reviews
Comment from Nikki-Nicole
This is a good read.
The dialogue is believable.
Great title: 'Self-Defense'- Fire a warning shot. If they keep coming, shoot them down and it's self-defense.
The image shown supports the chapter.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Good luck with your future writing.
-Nicole-
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2017
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This is a good read.
The dialogue is believable.
Great title: 'Self-Defense'- Fire a warning shot. If they keep coming, shoot them down and it's self-defense.
The image shown supports the chapter.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Good luck with your future writing.
-Nicole-
Comment Written 08-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review. I am so glad you enjoyed it. Julia hadn't intended n a warning shot but she has poor aim, lol. Take care.
Comment from apky
Well written. The tension is put across in an excellent way. I found myself first rooting for Julia and in the end for Larry to win the case. You always leave it at the very best spot for a reader to want to know what happens next.
"I think you've spoken to her long enough," the kidnapper says, snatching the phone away. (I think you should use a different word than "snatching", because snatching connotes "seeing" which Larry can't do over the phone.)
Best,
Apky
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2017
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Well written. The tension is put across in an excellent way. I found myself first rooting for Julia and in the end for Larry to win the case. You always leave it at the very best spot for a reader to want to know what happens next.
"I think you've spoken to her long enough," the kidnapper says, snatching the phone away. (I think you should use a different word than "snatching", because snatching connotes "seeing" which Larry can't do over the phone.)
Best,
Apky
Comment Written 08-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your fantastic review and your encouraging words. You're right so I changed it to I hear the phone being shuffled around.
Thanks again for your wonderful review your helpful suggestion they are always appreciated.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
And if he doesn't win the case the guy will kill his family? Why is some kidnapper concerned with Julia getting a not-guilty verdict? Who could that be?
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2017
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And if he doesn't win the case the guy will kill his family? Why is some kidnapper concerned with Julia getting a not-guilty verdict? Who could that be?
Comment Written 07-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2017
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Thank you so much for such a fantastic review. The kidnapper is working fo Marty to make sure Larry wins his nephew, Vinnie's case. Julia is set to go to trial next, that's if she can stay alive.
Thanks again for such a wonderful review, take care.
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Ohhhh... Vinnie. I understand now. :)
Comment from hvysmker
"I want to see the captain and I want to see him now," I demand.
"He's busy right now, but If you..."
I dash down the hallway before the detective has time to finish.
I see the sergeant standing by the door when I race down the hall. Giving her the evil eye, I throw the metal barrier open.
I see Julia crying in her seat when I storm into the room.
"Larry," she cries, wiping her face with a tissue.
I see she's still in handcuffs and shackles when I cross the room.
*** Too many sentences starting with an "i", 6 out of 9.
"The defense rests your Honor."
*** Need comma after "rests"?
~~~
Julia
The short drive home was quiet with both of us lost in our thoughts.
I was thinking about how much I missed my babies, and how I longed to hold them again. I then start thinking back to all the happy times we spent together. I'll have more
*** Change from present to past with the "short drive home WAS quiet" and "I was thinking"? Maybe "drive home IS quiet" and "I'm was thinking about how much I miss my babies, and how I long to hold them again."
"Home at last," he halfheartedly says, pulling in the drive."
*** into is better than in.
Looking over, I see a small rug covering the bloody mess.
*** That's a point you rarely hear about ... who cleans up the mess? I think it's done by professional cleaning services now but when I was in police training they often used we recruits. Once there was a kid driving challenge over which car could speed toward a high cliff and stop closest to the edge. One went too far and rolled down a stiff slope. They hustled us over there. Using sling seats on long ropes we were slowly lowered down the cliff with buckets and plastic bags to pick up pieces of the driver and a passenger. I found the top of a head with brain splatter. Another guy found an arm up to the elbow.
"Thank you, Larry," I say, plopping down on the couch.
Dropping his keys on the table, Larry plops down beside me.
*** Two plots close together. Maybe change on to sits or maybe "slaps his ass down"?
"Everything will be alright," he says, gently brushing the hair away from my tear streaked face.
*** tear-streaked
"You better not harm one hair on my little girls head, you got that?" I say, pacing across the room.
*** girl's
A lot of action on this segment, but it certainly advances the story.
Charlie
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2017
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"I want to see the captain and I want to see him now," I demand.
"He's busy right now, but If you..."
I dash down the hallway before the detective has time to finish.
I see the sergeant standing by the door when I race down the hall. Giving her the evil eye, I throw the metal barrier open.
I see Julia crying in her seat when I storm into the room.
"Larry," she cries, wiping her face with a tissue.
I see she's still in handcuffs and shackles when I cross the room.
*** Too many sentences starting with an "i", 6 out of 9.
"The defense rests your Honor."
*** Need comma after "rests"?
~~~
Julia
The short drive home was quiet with both of us lost in our thoughts.
I was thinking about how much I missed my babies, and how I longed to hold them again. I then start thinking back to all the happy times we spent together. I'll have more
*** Change from present to past with the "short drive home WAS quiet" and "I was thinking"? Maybe "drive home IS quiet" and "I'm was thinking about how much I miss my babies, and how I long to hold them again."
"Home at last," he halfheartedly says, pulling in the drive."
*** into is better than in.
Looking over, I see a small rug covering the bloody mess.
*** That's a point you rarely hear about ... who cleans up the mess? I think it's done by professional cleaning services now but when I was in police training they often used we recruits. Once there was a kid driving challenge over which car could speed toward a high cliff and stop closest to the edge. One went too far and rolled down a stiff slope. They hustled us over there. Using sling seats on long ropes we were slowly lowered down the cliff with buckets and plastic bags to pick up pieces of the driver and a passenger. I found the top of a head with brain splatter. Another guy found an arm up to the elbow.
"Thank you, Larry," I say, plopping down on the couch.
Dropping his keys on the table, Larry plops down beside me.
*** Two plots close together. Maybe change on to sits or maybe "slaps his ass down"?
"Everything will be alright," he says, gently brushing the hair away from my tear streaked face.
*** tear-streaked
"You better not harm one hair on my little girls head, you got that?" I say, pacing across the room.
*** girl's
A lot of action on this segment, but it certainly advances the story.
Charlie
Comment Written 07-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your review and all of your helpful comments. they're always greatly appreciated. It's reviewers like you that help me grow as a writer.
Thank you again, take care.
Comment from Beverly Botelho
I tried to comment on this before, but somehow I think I got 'lost in space' and it didn't register. Anyway, this is an engaging story and captivated my interest. My only suggestion would be to make the transitions between the scenes, or sections, a little smoother. Just a suggestion - I understand why you've constructed it as you have, and I can't think of how to improve it. Good job!
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2017
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I tried to comment on this before, but somehow I think I got 'lost in space' and it didn't register. Anyway, this is an engaging story and captivated my interest. My only suggestion would be to make the transitions between the scenes, or sections, a little smoother. Just a suggestion - I understand why you've constructed it as you have, and I can't think of how to improve it. Good job!
Comment Written 07-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review. I am so glad you enjoyed it. I'll try to come up with a solution as to smoother transitions. I chose the first person narrative because I figure Larry and Julia can tell their tragic story better than I ever could.
Thanks again for your fantastic review and for taking the time to send it off twice. Take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well, I see improvement with every chapter. There are still a lot of the I say, she says, he says, and so-on tags that could be eliminated or replaced where it is obvious who is speaking. But all and all, you just keep getting better. Great job. :-)
(add) [remove]
--"If that's how you want to play this, then fine. Julia Moffett, you're under arrest for assaulting a police officer and (brandishing a weapon) [blandishment]."
Blandishment - a flattering or pleasing statement or action used to persuade someone gently to do something.
--I have to stay strong for him, [I think,] gulping back the tears. {If it doesn't do anything to help the sentence, leave it out. Don't "I think" so much. :-)}
--I wasn't too sure I wanted to go in there, after everything that['s] happened today.
--[ brave, Julia, I think] (I keep telling myself to be brave), trudging across the lawn.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2017
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Well, I see improvement with every chapter. There are still a lot of the I say, she says, he says, and so-on tags that could be eliminated or replaced where it is obvious who is speaking. But all and all, you just keep getting better. Great job. :-)
(add) [remove]
--"If that's how you want to play this, then fine. Julia Moffett, you're under arrest for assaulting a police officer and (brandishing a weapon) [blandishment]."
Blandishment - a flattering or pleasing statement or action used to persuade someone gently to do something.
--I have to stay strong for him, [I think,] gulping back the tears. {If it doesn't do anything to help the sentence, leave it out. Don't "I think" so much. :-)}
--I wasn't too sure I wanted to go in there, after everything that['s] happened today.
--[ brave, Julia, I think] (I keep telling myself to be brave), trudging across the lawn.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review, your encouraging words and helpful suggestions. I'll work on minimizing the speech tags. Thanks again for all your support, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
You may want to stick the character's name at the very beginning of this post.
"He's busy right now, but If you..."- if.
"The one that follows me through town, the same one I saw outside the house today. - need closing speech marks here.
I noticed you used 'evil' a few times in this instalment.
"Home at last," he halfheartedly says, pulling in the drive." - delete the speech marks from the end here. (half-heartedly)
"Everything will be fine, - need closing speech marks here.
hair on my little girls head - girl's.
Good continuation.
GMG
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2017
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Hi there,
You may want to stick the character's name at the very beginning of this post.
"He's busy right now, but If you..."- if.
"The one that follows me through town, the same one I saw outside the house today. - need closing speech marks here.
I noticed you used 'evil' a few times in this instalment.
"Home at last," he halfheartedly says, pulling in the drive." - delete the speech marks from the end here. (half-heartedly)
"Everything will be fine, - need closing speech marks here.
hair on my little girls head - girl's.
Good continuation.
GMG
Comment Written 07-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your fantastic review, your encouraging words and all your helpful suggestions. I didn't realize I used evil so much so thanks for pointing that out. Did you notice I'm getting better with commas? Now to work on the other stuff. Your competition is getting a tad closer, so beware, lol. jk, I know I still have a ways to go, but someday it'll happen, you just wait and see.
Thanks again for your wonderful review and your continuous help, take care.
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I hope you don't think I have a vendetta against you because I don't. I just know your a darn good writer so when my stories can actually compete against yours then I know I'm doing good.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks, opens a mystery, of crime, part of this mystery and crime fiction, in this chapter, evidently as the plot grows, Julia was arrested for shooting a man in Larry's house, self-defense pleads; ultimately to prove the travesty of justice; now winning is definite; I liked.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2017
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This speaks, opens a mystery, of crime, part of this mystery and crime fiction, in this chapter, evidently as the plot grows, Julia was arrested for shooting a man in Larry's house, self-defense pleads; ultimately to prove the travesty of justice; now winning is definite; I liked.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your great review I am so glad you enjoyed it. It's nice hearing from you again, Take care.
