The Products of Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "After Eighteen Years"...the story of Jenny and Ron
62 total reviews
Comment from Halfree
Great story line but needs some rewrites. The beginning was, to me, a little flat,no real drama to make me read on; Try to get reader into the story very quickly, give 'em a reason to read on. I once wrote a story that opened with the line, "John had a bad case of the jocky itch and it saved his life," That line generated a lot of comments,
Paragraphs 1,2,and 3 are boring and do very little to bring the reader in. Try opening with something more dramatic. The voice on the answering was clear with an edge of panic "Ron, this is Jenny...Our son has fouind us, he's on his way to your house."
You have a good story...keep at it.
The reader is given a lot of information in the first paragaph that doesn't pull the reader in.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Great story line but needs some rewrites. The beginning was, to me, a little flat,no real drama to make me read on; Try to get reader into the story very quickly, give 'em a reason to read on. I once wrote a story that opened with the line, "John had a bad case of the jocky itch and it saved his life," That line generated a lot of comments,
Paragraphs 1,2,and 3 are boring and do very little to bring the reader in. Try opening with something more dramatic. The voice on the answering was clear with an edge of panic "Ron, this is Jenny...Our son has fouind us, he's on his way to your house."
You have a good story...keep at it.
The reader is given a lot of information in the first paragaph that doesn't pull the reader in.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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thank you so much for reading and reviewing,
~patty~
Comment from Sankey
Had to give this a SIX and I wish you well in the cost. I guess this won't continue? Love it if it did. No spags and I enjoyed reading.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Had to give this a SIX and I wish you well in the cost. I guess this won't continue? Love it if it did. No spags and I enjoyed reading.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Hi there; thank you so much for the lovely review. I AM going to continue this - I've decided to turn it into a several part story so I can give more detail to this situation,
Thank you for reading and thank you for the lovely sixth star,
~patty~
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Look forward to the continuation. Hope others agree.
Comment from smbau
The infamous call was well supported by the story. Like, the story organization, content flow and character introduction. The dialogue was well written and easy to follow as it supported the story. I single 45yr man thinking about life and his past lady whom they had a son they did not keep calls. The son is asking to meet with the mother... The author leaves us in suspense as per what happened next.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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The infamous call was well supported by the story. Like, the story organization, content flow and character introduction. The dialogue was well written and easy to follow as it supported the story. I single 45yr man thinking about life and his past lady whom they had a son they did not keep calls. The son is asking to meet with the mother... The author leaves us in suspense as per what happened next.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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thank you so much for the lovely and insightful review. I've decided that after the contest has ended, I'm going to turn this into a much longer story - there are so many unanswered questions,
~patty~
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You are welcomed...this would be a great story I believe may relate to our day to day life too. Look forward:)
Comment from smerryman3
Great story! I like the direction you took with the prompt and how you left it open-ended. Still, I hope there will be a sequel at some point, I really want to see how rhis turns out! Good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Great story! I like the direction you took with the prompt and how you left it open-ended. Still, I hope there will be a sequel at some point, I really want to see how rhis turns out! Good luck in the contest
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Hi there; I AM going to expand this story into one that spreads over several parts - there are just so many unanswered questions.
I hope you will follow along. Thank you for reading and reviewing,
~patty~
Comment from country ranch writer
When you are young and in love giving a baby up for adoption is better than trying to stay to get her and hate each other later in life. Playing the name game for the unexpected baby in the oven isn't good. The baby is going to grow up wondering who his parents sure. But they will know they did it because they wanted the best for him and loved him enough to give him a chance.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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When you are young and in love giving a baby up for adoption is better than trying to stay to get her and hate each other later in life. Playing the name game for the unexpected baby in the oven isn't good. The baby is going to grow up wondering who his parents sure. But they will know they did it because they wanted the best for him and loved him enough to give him a chance.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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hi; thank you so much for reading and your thoughts on this subject. It is a wonder if these kinds of conversations really happen at all.
~patty~
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You would be surprised actually how many has happened since the rules have changed on adopted children being able to find their folks.
Comment from c_lucas
Such trauma is reflected in the lives of all involved. My brother Paul and his wife adopted a boy and a girl at birth. When the kids wanted to meet their birth parents, it turned out well. This is very well written.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Such trauma is reflected in the lives of all involved. My brother Paul and his wife adopted a boy and a girl at birth. When the kids wanted to meet their birth parents, it turned out well. This is very well written.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. This is going to end up being a longer story at some point. This entry for the contest was limited to one-thousand words or less.
Your words of encouragement are greatly appreciated,
~patty~
Comment from doggymad
Wonderful entry for the contest Patty. You have offered the reader plenty of food for thought with this one.
I have already got three scenarios running around in my head. Either the man is selfish, gay or a commitment phobe.
Best of luck in the contest
hugs
Freda
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Wonderful entry for the contest Patty. You have offered the reader plenty of food for thought with this one.
I have already got three scenarios running around in my head. Either the man is selfish, gay or a commitment phobe.
Best of luck in the contest
hugs
Freda
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi Freda; thank you so much for the wonderful review. When the contest is over, I think I'm going to expand on this one and fill in the missing pieces. What do you think?
I so appreciate the sixth star - you just made my afternoon!
~patty~
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It has potential for a few more chapters for sure
hugs
Freda
Comment from Curly Girly
I think this is an excellent contest entry--definitely the best I have read so far. I don't think anyone will do better.
Human relations are close to our hearts. Most people have been affected by their parents' commitment breakdowns, so many will identify with this story.
My father made contact with me after 14yrs when I was 21.
I think I brought joy to the remainder of his life, but our relationship was complicated; it brought a fair amount of stress and anxiety into my life until he died in Zimbabwe at the age of 87. Sadly, I'm relieved it's over. There was nothing I could do to nullify the damage between him and my mother.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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I think this is an excellent contest entry--definitely the best I have read so far. I don't think anyone will do better.
Human relations are close to our hearts. Most people have been affected by their parents' commitment breakdowns, so many will identify with this story.
My father made contact with me after 14yrs when I was 21.
I think I brought joy to the remainder of his life, but our relationship was complicated; it brought a fair amount of stress and anxiety into my life until he died in Zimbabwe at the age of 87. Sadly, I'm relieved it's over. There was nothing I could do to nullify the damage between him and my mother.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi there; I'm so sorry to hear about how things turned out for you. I've read so many different stories about adopted children finding their birth parents, and some are good, but others are disastrous.
Thank you for your review and the compliment - a lot of entries haven't been posted yet - fingers crossed!
~patty~
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Yeah. Thanks.
Nicole
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Hello my friend this is well written unfortunately some couples do get into this situation and when it comes to meeting their children for the first time since adoption it must be very hard for them not knowing what the outcome will be I good luck I enjoyed well done regards Jill
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hello my friend this is well written unfortunately some couples do get into this situation and when it comes to meeting their children for the first time since adoption it must be very hard for them not knowing what the outcome will be I good luck I enjoyed well done regards Jill
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi Jill; thank you so much for the lovely review. I appreciate your kind words of encouragement,
~patty~
Comment from Auto-Manic
Very nice. Leaves you wondering. What would you say? The story has the element of regret, but possible has what is most needed in this mans life, a son, and it's said, God works in strange ways.
I have only a couple of suggestions and that would be take out some of the commas. Commas act as stoppers for readers and flow is probably the most important aspect of a story. But this comes from an ol' Journalist and not someone steeped in English Lit-at-ture. It's all about how the eye cruises and sees things.
Ie a couple of examples. Goofy furry pal named Max // he fidgeted in the kitchen and paced back and forth like a caged tiger.
But some great dialog.
Other than that, very nicely done.
Norm
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Very nice. Leaves you wondering. What would you say? The story has the element of regret, but possible has what is most needed in this mans life, a son, and it's said, God works in strange ways.
I have only a couple of suggestions and that would be take out some of the commas. Commas act as stoppers for readers and flow is probably the most important aspect of a story. But this comes from an ol' Journalist and not someone steeped in English Lit-at-ture. It's all about how the eye cruises and sees things.
Ie a couple of examples. Goofy furry pal named Max // he fidgeted in the kitchen and paced back and forth like a caged tiger.
But some great dialog.
Other than that, very nicely done.
Norm
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi there; thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story and found it a good read.
I appreciate your honesty, and while I can see what you say about the commas, we have 'comma police' on the site that insist on proper grammar,
~patty~
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Thanks Patty. Very good to know. Journalism is a whole 'nuther animal. It's where my background lies and it ooooozes out weather (or is that Wheather...no no, I think that's write) or not I try.
Always good advice.
