Travesty of Justice
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "No Escaping the Past"Two people accused of a crime they didn't commit.
13 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Well written and interesting. You did a terrific job on the courtroom scene, so realistic. Now Julia feels she's in danger from someone in an SUV, but I can't tell if it's a flashback or happening now.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2017
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Well written and interesting. You did a terrific job on the courtroom scene, so realistic. Now Julia feels she's in danger from someone in an SUV, but I can't tell if it's a flashback or happening now.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review and your encouraging words.I'm sorry you were confused about the flashback on the SUV. How would you suggest I word it to make it clearer?
Thanks again for your great review. Take care.
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You could put the date above each part. I've seen others do that.
Comment from smbau
The Story is all told in first persons style. I like the way the author highlights the character and their thoughts. The story appears to have three settings, the court room, the police station and Julia house. As this is a novel, and a chapter within a chapter, the court room and police station appear to address conflicts already listed in earlier chapters. The last scene introduces a new conflict into the story that involves Julia and a past assailant. The author leaves us in suspense. The chapter did not appear to have a climax or a specific theme.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2017
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The Story is all told in first persons style. I like the way the author highlights the character and their thoughts. The story appears to have three settings, the court room, the police station and Julia house. As this is a novel, and a chapter within a chapter, the court room and police station appear to address conflicts already listed in earlier chapters. The last scene introduces a new conflict into the story that involves Julia and a past assailant. The author leaves us in suspense. The chapter did not appear to have a climax or a specific theme.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review and your nice comments. Hopefully, you're intrigued enough to read more.
Thank you again, take care.
Comment from dweigt
Interesting story. I like the present tense and various characters' viewpoints.
I think I found a couple of minor spags:
"Yes, your honor." -- Had to do some "googling" on this to be sure, but "honor" should be capitalized, as it is a title used in place of a name. Whether the word preceding "Honor" (your, his, her) is capitalized seems to be a matter of style.
"I can explain your honor," the DA interjects. -- I'm no expert on commas, but I'm pretty sure you need one after "explain".
Good stuff. Keep Writing!
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Interesting story. I like the present tense and various characters' viewpoints.
I think I found a couple of minor spags:
"Yes, your honor." -- Had to do some "googling" on this to be sure, but "honor" should be capitalized, as it is a title used in place of a name. Whether the word preceding "Honor" (your, his, her) is capitalized seems to be a matter of style.
"I can explain your honor," the DA interjects. -- I'm no expert on commas, but I'm pretty sure you need one after "explain".
Good stuff. Keep Writing!
Comment Written 30-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the nice review and for catching the mistake. I fixed this chapter and will try to remember to capitalize your Honor here on out.
Thank you again for your helpful suggestion, take care.
Comment from c_lucas
Sometimes memories are faulty
Other times, crystal clear
Some are fuzzy-far away
It works best when they are near.
***
This is very well written and I had no trouble believing I was in a real court room. There is very good imagery.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Sometimes memories are faulty
Other times, crystal clear
Some are fuzzy-far away
It works best when they are near.
***
This is very well written and I had no trouble believing I was in a real court room. There is very good imagery.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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I like your poem, Thank you for your wonderful review and your encouraging words, take care.
Comment from Tod Moran
Always hard and a bit unfair to judge one part of a much longer work but . . .
I've sat through a lot of criminal trials, talked to a lot of DA's, and in my experience no DA would take this case to trial with witnesses so easily discredited. Nor would a defense attorney try something so crude as the 1st scene. He would get the reaction he got from the judge and would KNOW he would.
Frankly, in my opinion, this reads more like a Perry Mason TV script than a real criminal trial.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Always hard and a bit unfair to judge one part of a much longer work but . . .
I've sat through a lot of criminal trials, talked to a lot of DA's, and in my experience no DA would take this case to trial with witnesses so easily discredited. Nor would a defense attorney try something so crude as the 1st scene. He would get the reaction he got from the judge and would KNOW he would.
Frankly, in my opinion, this reads more like a Perry Mason TV script than a real criminal trial.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the review, I'm sorry you found it to be so fake. Your right it wouldn't happen in real life..You do have to admit, Perry Mason wasn't that bad of a show if you judge it on entertainment and not its authenticity, right?
Besides his little stunt in the judge's chambers was the defense attorney's cross somewhat believable? That stunt was done out of desperation, hoping to save his daughters life.
I'll work on making it more believable. Thanks again for your review, take care.
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We all write to an audience. But when it comes to CJS, been there, done that, know the drill. If it isn't realistic I turn it off or put it down.
BTW, the case you describe would be settled IRL by a plea bargain, like 95% of all cases. Trials are rare, jury trials rarer still. There isn't enough time.
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So your either an attorney or a criminal that knows the law very well.
The defense attorney could push for a trial if he didn't like the offer right? The reason I ask is if Vinnie goes to prison Larry's daughter dies and he gets framed for a murder.
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No, not an attorney, a probation officer long time Dade County, FL. And yes, a deal has to be agreed to by both attorneys AND the presiding judge.
If you want to read about a case that DIDN'T result in either a plea OR a trial read my story of Dade's Busiest burglar. It is here on this site.
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The title sounds familiar for some reason. Who's the author?
About my story being fake, Couldn't Larry the defense attorney call them as hostile witnesses?
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No wonder it sounds familiar, I've already read it, I remember commenting on the drama.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Misty. What time frame is this set. The line "stroking my hardened appendage." well it seems a little old fashioned. The rest of the story has a modern twist onto it. I like that you section off each character's name and go into more detail about how that character fits into the story. Great write. Looking forward to more. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Hi Misty. What time frame is this set. The line "stroking my hardened appendage." well it seems a little old fashioned. The rest of the story has a modern twist onto it. I like that you section off each character's name and go into more detail about how that character fits into the story. Great write. Looking forward to more. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 30-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review. It is modern time but the writer is a little old fashioned. This book is my first attempt at love scenes and I'm kind of uncertain on the proper terminology, and how far a scene should go.Guess I should do a little homework if I want to do this right. Do you have any favorite romance authors?
Thank you again, I will do some homework, try to be less of an old fuddy-duddy in the romantic scenes, take care.
Comment from hvysmker
***
Rachel
*** Only my preference, but I find the "Rachel" a bit distracting. I'd suggest placing in withing asterisks to make it's purpose evident: **** Rachel **** ?
Everyone I talked to yesterday doesn't remember seeing her, so I'm trying to find someone
who was there around the same time she was."
*** Is that a double entendre? (A better example is: "Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?" Regardless, I'd suggest "Nobody I talked to....."?
"I object your honor, Mr. Connors' drinking habits aren't on trial here," attorney states,
*** Connor's
"Isn't it also true that you were arrested a few minutes later for public intoxication?"
*** Oooooo, a nasty blow.
"So, if you had two beers before and three after that's five beers, correct?"
*** Need comma or something after "after". I'd say "after ... that's five" giving a pause for thought.
"Yes, your honor. So, if you were intoxicated at the time of the shooting wouldn't it be safe
*** Need comma after "shooting".
"They were somewhere in the middle."
*** Uh, oh! Not good.
"Ok then, tell me this. Did you find any fingerprints on the gun?"
*** Maybe LOGIC ERROR. Wouldn't the gun have to be introduced before that question, and wouldn't it's manufacturer, style, and caliber be noted in the records? Also, by the time of the question, would it be referred to as a "gun" or it's proper designation"
".....fingerprints on this weapon, an Army .45cal pistol?"
"Where was the gun found, Detective?"
***In military parlance, a gun is an artillery piece, nothing less. Anything else is a weapon, rifle, pistol, revolver, etc. Among your readers will be plenty of ex-military or hunters, all of which will bridle at the word "gun". For myself, if I'm reading a military or police story and read "gun" I'll probably put the book down as unrealistic.
"Did you check the credibility of the supposed alibi?" I ask, air quoting supposed alibi.
*** "air quoting"? Unclear to me.
Throwing the remote on the couch, I start looking for something to read.
*** A good habit to get into is using the word "onto" instead of "on" such as in this case.
Most won't call you out on it, but it's an itty bitty better. An other thing I've noticed is the overuse of "the", "his", "hers" and the like. Not being college educated, I forget what those little words are called, but the chapter would read better without them.
This section reads well and does interest me. Considering it's ten pages, I saw few errors and made a few suggestions based on my style, knowledge, and experience. You can take them or leave them.
Beware, though. On Fanstory, ten page posts don't get many readers. I try for four to five, maybe six, max. You'd find a better response.
Charlie
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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***
Rachel
*** Only my preference, but I find the "Rachel" a bit distracting. I'd suggest placing in withing asterisks to make it's purpose evident: **** Rachel **** ?
Everyone I talked to yesterday doesn't remember seeing her, so I'm trying to find someone
who was there around the same time she was."
*** Is that a double entendre? (A better example is: "Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?" Regardless, I'd suggest "Nobody I talked to....."?
"I object your honor, Mr. Connors' drinking habits aren't on trial here," attorney states,
*** Connor's
"Isn't it also true that you were arrested a few minutes later for public intoxication?"
*** Oooooo, a nasty blow.
"So, if you had two beers before and three after that's five beers, correct?"
*** Need comma or something after "after". I'd say "after ... that's five" giving a pause for thought.
"Yes, your honor. So, if you were intoxicated at the time of the shooting wouldn't it be safe
*** Need comma after "shooting".
"They were somewhere in the middle."
*** Uh, oh! Not good.
"Ok then, tell me this. Did you find any fingerprints on the gun?"
*** Maybe LOGIC ERROR. Wouldn't the gun have to be introduced before that question, and wouldn't it's manufacturer, style, and caliber be noted in the records? Also, by the time of the question, would it be referred to as a "gun" or it's proper designation"
".....fingerprints on this weapon, an Army .45cal pistol?"
"Where was the gun found, Detective?"
***In military parlance, a gun is an artillery piece, nothing less. Anything else is a weapon, rifle, pistol, revolver, etc. Among your readers will be plenty of ex-military or hunters, all of which will bridle at the word "gun". For myself, if I'm reading a military or police story and read "gun" I'll probably put the book down as unrealistic.
"Did you check the credibility of the supposed alibi?" I ask, air quoting supposed alibi.
*** "air quoting"? Unclear to me.
Throwing the remote on the couch, I start looking for something to read.
*** A good habit to get into is using the word "onto" instead of "on" such as in this case.
Most won't call you out on it, but it's an itty bitty better. An other thing I've noticed is the overuse of "the", "his", "hers" and the like. Not being college educated, I forget what those little words are called, but the chapter would read better without them.
This section reads well and does interest me. Considering it's ten pages, I saw few errors and made a few suggestions based on my style, knowledge, and experience. You can take them or leave them.
Beware, though. On Fanstory, ten page posts don't get many readers. I try for four to five, maybe six, max. You'd find a better response.
Charlie
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review and helpful suggestions. I think I've corrected all of my mistakes. The gun I changed to weapon, handgun, 22.
The suggestion for names would look classy, What do you think about changing the fonts too? I Was told another writer does this and I want to get your take on it.
I guess 2200 words is a bit long. In your experience, what do you find to be the best length?
Thanks again for your helpful review, take care.
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I'd like to post ten pages at a time, but I found many readers here balk at anything over four or five.
I wouldn't change color of font on prose. I think it would detract from the story. In fact, I haven't seen stories here with fancy colors or fonts and wouldn't do it myself.
Charlie
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As for names, I believe normal names best. I don't like the fancy names some writers use for fantasy.
We're used to certain names we see every day. New ones are harder to remember and attach to characters. Sometimes names themselves tell a lot. Bubba, for instance for a hillbilly and Igor for a dwarf. Sugar for a stripper or Mary for a housewife.
Charlie
Comment from apky
This is getting more and more absorbing. You seem to have fantastic knowledge of legal proceedings, Misty, whether from experience or great research. Doff my hat to you for that. The dialogue is awesome.
"I'd like to speak to you for a moment please, counselor." Expecting another(delete ,) lectur(insert comma here) I hesitantly turn around.
Cheers,
Apky
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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This is getting more and more absorbing. You seem to have fantastic knowledge of legal proceedings, Misty, whether from experience or great research. Doff my hat to you for that. The dialogue is awesome.
"I'd like to speak to you for a moment please, counselor." Expecting another(delete ,) lectur(insert comma here) I hesitantly turn around.
Cheers,
Apky
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review and your encouraging words. It was a mix of research and years of watching Law and Order, lol. Think I've seen very episode a dozen of times or more. One day I hope to have Dick Wolf direct one of my stories.
Thank you again for your great review and your continuous support, take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Another chapter with a lot going on. Your spag is getting better with every post. Before long I'll be getting you to point mine out for me. Great job! I'm attaching a few suggestions, but the sentences don't have to be written the way I have them. I just want you to see that we don't have to tell the reader everything, some things they can figure out from what you do tell them. Fewer I's and I thinks, the reader knows when you are having to think, or should. More definitive thoughts and writing.
(add)
>>Larry has to represent a murderer to keep his daughter alive.
>>Someday you're going to regret everything you've ever done to me, I think, squeezing the pencil in my hand, the object snaps in half. [This is just a suggestion.--Gritting my teeth, thinking, someday you're going to regret ever meeting me. Squeezing my pencil it snaps.]
>>I'm sitting in the courtroom, nervously planning a new strategy. I hope this works, I think, quickly reviewing my scribbles. [Here is another suggestion.- Sitting in the courtroom reviewing my scribbles, I hope the new strategy I'm planning works.]
I'm still going to therapy twice a week to get my dominant hand working property after surgery. Now, tomorrow, I'm having surgery on the other hand. So it might be hard or even impossible for me to review anything for the next few weeks. Of course, I'm be trying if I can. :-)
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2017
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Another chapter with a lot going on. Your spag is getting better with every post. Before long I'll be getting you to point mine out for me. Great job! I'm attaching a few suggestions, but the sentences don't have to be written the way I have them. I just want you to see that we don't have to tell the reader everything, some things they can figure out from what you do tell them. Fewer I's and I thinks, the reader knows when you are having to think, or should. More definitive thoughts and writing.
(add)
>>Larry has to represent
>>Someday you're going to regret everything you've ever done to me, I think, squeezing the pencil in my hand, the object snaps in half. [This is just a suggestion.--Gritting my teeth, thinking, someday you're going to regret ever meeting me. Squeezing my pencil it snaps.]
>>I'm sitting in the courtroom, nervously planning a new strategy. I hope this works, I think, quickly reviewing my scribbles. [Here is another suggestion.- Sitting in the courtroom reviewing my scribbles, I hope the new strategy I'm planning works.]
I'm still going to therapy twice a week to get my dominant hand working property after surgery. Now, tomorrow, I'm having surgery on the other hand. So it might be hard or even impossible for me to review anything for the next few weeks. Of course, I'm be trying if I can. :-)
Comment Written 28-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2017
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Thanks for the great review and your encouraging words. I'll look at your suggestions tomorrow when I'm not so tired. I have a question I had a review who said putting the names at the top is distracting. Did you think it's distracting? I'm looking up books written in first person narrative to see how others did it. So far I've only found books with one person narration so that doesn't help a bit.
Thanks again for the great review, take care
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I have no idea why those lines are through the notes I sent you. That's the second or third time that's happened. I'm sorry, I just don't understand it. I didn't put them through your writing. As for the names pointing out the POV ahead of each section, I can't imagine what would be distracting to anyone about it. It might be much more distracting to me that when the POV is changing so often, I get lost and not know who's talking. Oh, well, you can't please everyone, my dear. So don't even try. :-)
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The line thing just happens with me? I talked to one of my book groups on fb they said that's how they've seen it done even suggested font change hmm.
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If the lines have happened with anyone else they've never said. But I intend to find out why. It could cause someone to think I'm telling them to cut those parts, which definitely isn't the case.
Comment from Mustang Patty
I like the premise of the story, but I struggled with the organization of the piece. I've indicated some possible suggestions for edits in my notes:
A few nits: '...I feel her hot naked body press(ed) against me as she drapes her long leg around mine.'
'Expecting another lecture(+,) I hesitantly turn around.
When changing your point of view from one character to the next, you can use other vehicles besides using their name at the top of the paragraphs - you can introduce their voice in dialogue with tags, or you can have someone address them. The use of their name at the top detracts from the writing.
Keep writing and developing this story line - it has merits,
~patty~
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2017
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I like the premise of the story, but I struggled with the organization of the piece. I've indicated some possible suggestions for edits in my notes:
A few nits: '...I feel her hot naked body press(ed) against me as she drapes her long leg around mine.'
'Expecting another lecture(+,) I hesitantly turn around.
When changing your point of view from one character to the next, you can use other vehicles besides using their name at the top of the paragraphs - you can introduce their voice in dialogue with tags, or you can have someone address them. The use of their name at the top detracts from the writing.
Keep writing and developing this story line - it has merits,
~patty~
Comment Written 28-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2017
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Thank you for your helpful review. I will keep your suggestion about the name at the top of the page in mind for future chapters. I do have a question. You suggested pressed, Isn't that past tense? I struggle to stay in the present tense that's why I'm asking.
Thanks again for your review, take care.
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Hi there; while 'pressed' can be considered past tense - it is present in this case; presses doesn't work here.
She pressed her leg against his. The use of the verb 'pressed' is present tense in this case.
Hope this helps; it does get a bit complicated with verb usage.
~patty~
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Just when I think I have it figured out someone throws another exception my way, Grrrr. lol Thanks for explaining, take care.
