Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "Chapter Zehn part drei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
43 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Barbara.
I hope you've been well during another one of my absences.
I know my chapter reviewing is very random, at best and I'm so sorry about that... but life keeps getting in the way of my Fanstory fun. reviewing
"I want to assure you that your daughter has been and will continue to be treated with the upmost respect." (Should "upmost be utmost?"
"No, just a rock, slingshot, and God. That's all he needed." (Well, what more could one need? lol)
Very nicely written, as always, my friend. Wouldn't it be nice to have to complain about money when you have too much of it? lol.
Hopefully I can stay around for a while and try to catch up.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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G'day Barbara.
I hope you've been well during another one of my absences.
I know my chapter reviewing is very random, at best and I'm so sorry about that... but life keeps getting in the way of my Fanstory fun. reviewing
"I want to assure you that your daughter has been and will continue to be treated with the upmost respect." (Should "upmost be utmost?"
"No, just a rock, slingshot, and God. That's all he needed." (Well, what more could one need? lol)
Very nicely written, as always, my friend. Wouldn't it be nice to have to complain about money when you have too much of it? lol.
Hopefully I can stay around for a while and try to catch up.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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I will research up[most and utmost. I have no idea. LOL thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
Philip leaned against the door jam. "Yes. Our hope is once he understands that our interest is only in the painting, he'll give us the painting and realize we have no interest in his business."
"I sure hope it works," said Shana. "My concern is since he's spent time and money threatening me, doesn't that make him look guilty of something. He's even sent men Peoria, Illinois to snoop around. If he just hands it over, to me that makes him look even guiltier."
"Shana's got a point." Philip turned toward the patio. "What's that?"
"That helicopter's flying awfully low. It's not landing, it is?" Jane followed Philip to the patio." Brilliant Barbra xx I enjoyed this very much well done and kindest regards Meia
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Philip leaned against the door jam. "Yes. Our hope is once he understands that our interest is only in the painting, he'll give us the painting and realize we have no interest in his business."
"I sure hope it works," said Shana. "My concern is since he's spent time and money threatening me, doesn't that make him look guilty of something. He's even sent men Peoria, Illinois to snoop around. If he just hands it over, to me that makes him look even guiltier."
"Shana's got a point." Philip turned toward the patio. "What's that?"
"That helicopter's flying awfully low. It's not landing, it is?" Jane followed Philip to the patio." Brilliant Barbra xx I enjoyed this very much well done and kindest regards Meia
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from kathleenspalding
Excellent chapter with a great cliff-hanger ending!
Typos & things for your consideration-
"I was hoping to..." - so cute! Just checking, would "I wanted to..." be more of a child's voice? (or maybe she's just precocious ;-) )
Philip folded... the first 'sling shot' should be one word. Actually, I don't know how technically accurate you want to be, but a sling (leather strap like David used) is different from a slingshot...
"My dear," - maybe tag this up front to avoid confusion? And I think when someone's cut off you're supposed to use an em dash?
"Mommy says (capitalize Daddy's)... Also, just wondering (when they say 'billions') how likely they'd be to discuss finances at all with Shana and also with Emily around? (Emily could repeat her mom's statement after Shana's 'hundreds of thousands' paragraph?)
Would they discuss their plan around Emily?
Philip leaned...revisit his dialog to avoid repetition.
...guilty of something(? instead of .)?
...sent men (to) Peoria...
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Excellent chapter with a great cliff-hanger ending!
Typos & things for your consideration-
"I was hoping to..." - so cute! Just checking, would "I wanted to..." be more of a child's voice? (or maybe she's just precocious ;-) )
Philip folded... the first 'sling shot' should be one word. Actually, I don't know how technically accurate you want to be, but a sling (leather strap like David used) is different from a slingshot...
"My dear," - maybe tag this up front to avoid confusion? And I think when someone's cut off you're supposed to use an em dash?
"Mommy says (capitalize Daddy's)... Also, just wondering (when they say 'billions') how likely they'd be to discuss finances at all with Shana and also with Emily around? (Emily could repeat her mom's statement after Shana's 'hundreds of thousands' paragraph?)
Would they discuss their plan around Emily?
Philip leaned...revisit his dialog to avoid repetition.
...guilty of something(? instead of .)?
...sent men (to) Peoria...
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review. I have made the corrections.I ha
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You're welcome
Comment from Ulla
Hi Barbara, this is a great chapter with very natural dialogue revealing a great deal about the characters. Shana is so innocent, isn't she? I wonder whether she understands half of what is going on. I hope the chopper is not bringing trouble.
"It's not landing, it is?" = "is it?" All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi Barbara, this is a great chapter with very natural dialogue revealing a great deal about the characters. Shana is so innocent, isn't she? I wonder whether she understands half of what is going on. I hope the chopper is not bringing trouble.
"It's not landing, it is?" = "is it?" All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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I have made the correction. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Will the helicopter bring more trouble for Shana?
Emily's a lovely character.
a great chapter, Barbara.
He's even sent men (from) Peoria, Illinois to snoop around.
It's not landing, it is?" - last line ---- is it?
Margaret
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Will the helicopter bring more trouble for Shana?
Emily's a lovely character.
a great chapter, Barbara.
He's even sent men (from) Peoria, Illinois to snoop around.
It's not landing, it is?" - last line ---- is it?
Margaret
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review. I've made the corrections.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Thank you for sharing this latest part of Shana's story. I certainly hope the arrival of the helicopter isn't more danger. If only things would come to some sort of peaceful resolution, right?
A nit: 'It's not landing, it is (is it)?"'
~patty~
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you for sharing this latest part of Shana's story. I certainly hope the arrival of the helicopter isn't more danger. If only things would come to some sort of peaceful resolution, right?
A nit: 'It's not landing, it is (is it)?"'
~patty~
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review. I've fixed it.
Comment from apky
"My dear(.),"
"Wow! I had no idea," interrupted Shana with raised eyebrows. (after living in his house and seeing all the people he employs and how he lives, it's not believable that Shana would have no idea of how wealthy the man is, I think.)
He's even sent men Peoria, Illinois to snoop around. (something is missing in this sentence)
Apart from the nits above, this is another chapter that was enjoyable and moved the story forwarde.
Best,
Apky
"That helicopter's flying awfully low. It's not landing, it is?" ~ change to "is it?"
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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"My dear(.),"
"Wow! I had no idea," interrupted Shana with raised eyebrows. (after living in his house and seeing all the people he employs and how he lives, it's not believable that Shana would have no idea of how wealthy the man is, I think.)
He's even sent men Peoria, Illinois to snoop around. (something is missing in this sentence)
Apart from the nits above, this is another chapter that was enjoyable and moved the story forwarde.
Best,
Apky
"That helicopter's flying awfully low. It's not landing, it is?" ~ change to "is it?"
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review. I've made the corrections. I think Shana had an idea of how rich Anderson was, but not truly how rich he is.
Comment from Jay Squires
"Ohhh, you're in trouble now, Miss Shana," interrupted Emily, shaking her pointer finger. "When Aunt Jane's about ready to scold me, she always starts with 'my dear'." [You have developed, with such writing as this, an endearing character in Emily.]
He's even sent men Peoria, Illinois [Left out "from", but I'm sure you've corrected it by now. I've not been able to review it until now, though it's been pulled and waiting for about 12 hours.
I still want to give this a six, for cute Emily's sake.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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"Ohhh, you're in trouble now, Miss Shana," interrupted Emily, shaking her pointer finger. "When Aunt Jane's about ready to scold me, she always starts with 'my dear'." [You have developed, with such writing as this, an endearing character in Emily.]
He's even sent men Peoria, Illinois [Left out "from", but I'm sure you've corrected it by now. I've not been able to review it until now, though it's been pulled and waiting for about 12 hours.
I still want to give this a six, for cute Emily's sake.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review. Yes, it's corrected.
Comment from smbau
The author describes Helen, Emily, Shana, Phillip, Jane [Emily's aunt] discussion about David's sling shot, Mr. Drew Sharp, and the painting they plan to ask from Kuznetsov. ...Emily came across as the child. The story left the reader in suspense as we do not know why the helicopter is flying awfully low and not landing.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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The author describes Helen, Emily, Shana, Phillip, Jane [Emily's aunt] discussion about David's sling shot, Mr. Drew Sharp, and the painting they plan to ask from Kuznetsov. ...Emily came across as the child. The story left the reader in suspense as we do not know why the helicopter is flying awfully low and not landing.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Hello my friend this again well written your story is developing well yes it is wrong to discuss things in front of children especially when its one of the parents you handled the situation well looking forward to the next installment I enjoyed regards Jill
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hello my friend this again well written your story is developing well yes it is wrong to discuss things in front of children especially when its one of the parents you handled the situation well looking forward to the next installment I enjoyed regards Jill
Comment Written 26-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
