Ignored (haibun style)
Recognizing another's pain.13 total reviews
Comment from Hansel1
Such a dark piece. My heart fell deeper and deeper after each line. Life is so hard for some - we can often fail to realize this in our personal comforts. Thank you, for not only sharing your work with us, but bringing light to some of the forgotten tragedies that do need attention to be combated - Cheers!
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2017
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Such a dark piece. My heart fell deeper and deeper after each line. Life is so hard for some - we can often fail to realize this in our personal comforts. Thank you, for not only sharing your work with us, but bringing light to some of the forgotten tragedies that do need attention to be combated - Cheers!
Comment Written 25-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the great review.
Comment from Spitfire
Wow! A dazzling write with excellent use of parallel structure.
I've bowed my own head straining to hear your apologetic whispers as you try to explain to human services your very existence.---This juxtaposes nicely your concern versus that of the government.
cart of cheap hot dogs and mac and cheese to feed your family of five. --good concrete example of his struggle.
Your haiku and positive metaphor at the end are superb. You need to send this out for publication.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Wow! A dazzling write with excellent use of parallel structure.
I've bowed my own head straining to hear your apologetic whispers as you try to explain to human services your very existence.---This juxtaposes nicely your concern versus that of the government.
cart of cheap hot dogs and mac and cheese to feed your family of five. --good concrete example of his struggle.
Your haiku and positive metaphor at the end are superb. You need to send this out for publication.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Thanks, Shari. Caught hell from one reviewer stating it wasn't a true hibun because it wasn't about nature. I marked jt a haibun style hoping to avert that kind of criticism but it didn't. I am of the understanding that a haibun can be about any kind of a journey and that you can substitute a senryu for s haiku. Appreciate the great review and the bonus star.
Comment from Joan E.
Thank you for the reassurance in your notes and for your sensitivity to other's pain. Your "darkroom" and "butterfly" metaphors are very effective. I salute your willingness to empower others to "take flight". Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the reassurance in your notes and for your sensitivity to other's pain. Your "darkroom" and "butterfly" metaphors are very effective. I salute your willingness to empower others to "take flight". Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 23-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Not to worry, friend. When I write from the dark side it isn't because I am there. I am a pretty upbeat character but on some uncanny level I can connect
Comment from lalajovanoski
Hello friend I really enjoyed reading this poem I think that it is beautifully written in the structure and flow are very nice throughout I like the analogy that you use and the imagery is quite good thank you very much for sharing this
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Hello friend I really enjoyed reading this poem I think that it is beautifully written in the structure and flow are very nice throughout I like the analogy that you use and the imagery is quite good thank you very much for sharing this
Comment Written 22-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Thank you for reviewing.
Comment from Val Crisson
This is not anywhere near a haibun??? You would be better off calling it something else. haibun has a haiku and a connection with nature, so what was the point of calling this a sort of haibun. That said it is a lovely piece, that just could have shared as a mixed poetry message. I am sorry, but I have become very impatient with people that try to take Japanese forms and mold them into something else.
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reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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This is not anywhere near a haibun??? You would be better off calling it something else. haibun has a haiku and a connection with nature, so what was the point of calling this a sort of haibun. That said it is a lovely piece, that just could have shared as a mixed poetry message. I am sorry, but I have become very impatient with people that try to take Japanese forms and mold them into something else.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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I am aware. Thought the word (style) would indicate it is not a true haibun Sorry I offended.
Comment from loismddavis
this is a really touching poem--I think I would put it in the category of Prose Poem
though I don't know if that is what you intended, I was a social worker and know what you mean . It is sad that most of these people at not even noticed. nice job
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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this is a really touching poem--I think I would put it in the category of Prose Poem
though I don't know if that is what you intended, I was a social worker and know what you mean . It is sad that most of these people at not even noticed. nice job
Comment Written 22-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Thanks for the kind review. I realize it is not a true haibun but was hoping that adding the word style might clarify that. Got a review from someone who was put out that I referred to it as a haibun. Probably prose poetry would have worked better.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Hello my friend unfortunately some people do feel this way all alone as if everybody is ignoring them going around unnoticed and trapped depression is a terrible illness but once they have the courage to move they begin to heal well done regards Jill
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Hello my friend unfortunately some people do feel this way all alone as if everybody is ignoring them going around unnoticed and trapped depression is a terrible illness but once they have the courage to move they begin to heal well done regards Jill
Comment Written 22-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from bmethner
This is a excellent expression of spirit. It beautifully describes the downcast and strums at the reader's' heartstrings. It's as if you saw through to her soul. It also captures the expression of spirit of the observer. How though we have not had those dreadful experiences our hearts are still tied. Eloquently written
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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This is a excellent expression of spirit. It beautifully describes the downcast and strums at the reader's' heartstrings. It's as if you saw through to her soul. It also captures the expression of spirit of the observer. How though we have not had those dreadful experiences our hearts are still tied. Eloquently written
Comment Written 22-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the great review and the bonus star.
Comment from Mustang Patty
thank you for sharing this well structured poem haibun about how some people can seemingly hide in plain sight. You described her activities so well - I could see the hot dogs and boxes of generic mac and cheese being unloaded from her cart.
Well done,
~patty~
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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thank you for sharing this well structured poem haibun about how some people can seemingly hide in plain sight. You described her activities so well - I could see the hot dogs and boxes of generic mac and cheese being unloaded from her cart.
Well done,
~patty~
Comment Written 22-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Ricky1024
My wife was married to a loser on heroin.
She did it all from work to kids and he occasionally would clam!
Some of the stories she used to tell me were shocking.
She finally got away after the third attempt.
They are both gone now in separate places.
This was well written and sad...
Thanks,
Ricky1024.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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My wife was married to a loser on heroin.
She did it all from work to kids and he occasionally would clam!
Some of the stories she used to tell me were shocking.
She finally got away after the third attempt.
They are both gone now in separate places.
This was well written and sad...
Thanks,
Ricky1024.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Sounds like a good ending. Thank you for reviewing.
