Travesty of Justice
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "On the Run"Two people accused of a crime they didn't commit.
6 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
Oh, yes, you have the exciting parts down to a science. I bet you could tell stories by a campfire. Of course, I'm not going to be there with you in the dark, someone might start shooting. LOL! Thanks for another fine chapter. :-)
The description at the top of your story reads, [Julia meets Larry as (she's) running from the law.] I'm sure the quotation for an apostrophe was a slip. LOL!
(add)
You are changing tenses occasionally in some of your work. Use one or the other.
>>...but (I'm not) exactly sure what.
>>I play out the scenarios in my mind.
>>I'm not going down like that<,>(.)(N)ot now, not ever... if, I can help it<,>(.) (Time to pick) up my pace.
>>Seeing the dark parking garage, I quickly duck inside.
>>"Yes, ma 'me." I'd just stepped out of the coffee shop...[I've seen you use the word ma'me a couple times and I'm just not familiar with it. But mam to me is written ma'am. Mame is a movie name. I would like to know about your form.]
>>It was self-defense, really it was(,) but the police aren't going to believe me.
>>(A deep, commanding voice blares,) "Berryville PD, open up!" [he isn't replying]
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2017
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Oh, yes, you have the exciting parts down to a science. I bet you could tell stories by a campfire. Of course, I'm not going to be there with you in the dark, someone might start shooting. LOL! Thanks for another fine chapter. :-)
The description at the top of your story reads, [Julia meets Larry as
(add)
You are changing tenses occasionally in some of your work. Use one or the other.
>>...but (I'm not) exactly sure what.
>>I play
>>I'm not going down like that<,>(.)
>>Seeing the dark
>>"Yes, ma 'me." I'd just stepped out of the coffee shop...[I've seen you use the word ma'me a couple times and I'm just not familiar with it. But mam to me is written ma'am. Mame is a movie name. I would like to know about your form.]
>>It was self-defense, really it was(,) but the police aren't going to believe me.
>>(A deep, commanding voice blares,) "Berryville PD, open up!" [he isn't replying]
Comment Written 19-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2017
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Thank you for your excellent review and your wonderful words. You're right it should be ma'am. Thanks again for all your helpful suggestions, take care.
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You are most welcome! I just hope they come in handy. :-)
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
A lot going on and a lot of tension and action in this instalment.
I made some notes as I read-
I see a distraught gentleman, climbing in his car. - comma isn't necessary here.
"What the..." Larry begins - couple of things here. Firstly this should have a question mark. Secondly and more importantly is the naming of the character at this juncture. This portion of the story is told in first person narrative and in present tense. therefore, the narrator, Julie, couldn't possibly know this character's name to relate it to the reader...
captain and his partner, Jerry solve the widowmaker case - should have a comma after Jerry as well.
There are too many changes in POV in this if I'm honest, and for short periods of time. It makes the swing between them a bit confusing as they are numerous and you only really get into one before we're out and into another.
Walking over to the first officer I see, I tap him on the shoulder.
"What have you found out so far?" - the dialogue could come straight after the action. It doesn't need to be on a separate line each time.
I'm going to check the garage camera's - cameras is just a plural here, so no apostrophe.
"You ran because you was stopped for speeding?" you were.
Does the police know - Do.
"I rigged up an explosive to ignite when he starts the truck." - started.
Since there weren't any marks to proof different, - prove.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2017
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Hi there,
A lot going on and a lot of tension and action in this instalment.
I made some notes as I read-
I see a distraught gentleman, climbing in his car. - comma isn't necessary here.
"What the..." Larry begins - couple of things here. Firstly this should have a question mark. Secondly and more importantly is the naming of the character at this juncture. This portion of the story is told in first person narrative and in present tense. therefore, the narrator, Julie, couldn't possibly know this character's name to relate it to the reader...
captain and his partner, Jerry solve the widowmaker case - should have a comma after Jerry as well.
There are too many changes in POV in this if I'm honest, and for short periods of time. It makes the swing between them a bit confusing as they are numerous and you only really get into one before we're out and into another.
Walking over to the first officer I see, I tap him on the shoulder.
"What have you found out so far?" - the dialogue could come straight after the action. It doesn't need to be on a separate line each time.
I'm going to check the garage camera's - cameras is just a plural here, so no apostrophe.
"You ran because you was stopped for speeding?" you were.
Does the police know - Do.
"I rigged up an explosive to ignite when he starts the truck." - started.
Since there weren't any marks to proof different, - prove.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 11-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2017
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Thank you for your fair, helpful review. I've made all the changes like you suggested. Remember what I said about my story comparing to yours? I see now that I'm going to need to put in a lot of hard work for that to happen. I may be in a nursing home by then, but it will happen.
Thanks again for your review take care.
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One quick question on the pov. Would it help if I made each part longer? Would two pov be alright?
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Yeah, I think that would help. There's just a bit too much going on.
Comment from Aiona
Engrossing first section, even though I haven't read the previous parts. The first person POV was consistent throughout the sections. It helped that they were prefaced with the names.
Two things:
1. I've been with the police force for fifteen years. My career began after I helped the captain and his partner, Jerry solve the widowmaker case. I loved police work so much, that I decided to join the academy. I made Detective in a little under four years and a Sergeant in eight, after Jerry's health issues forced him to step down.
I haven't read the previous sections to see, but that seemed a bit large for exposition. Maybe that can be revealed through dialogue instead? Maybe have her co-worker talk about how long she's been with the force and isn't she tired of it. No, of course she isn't!
2. Why did the lawyer help her? Aside from the gun pointed at his head? Surreptitiously, would he have 911 on speed dial, recording their conversation?
I know I would.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2017
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Engrossing first section, even though I haven't read the previous parts. The first person POV was consistent throughout the sections. It helped that they were prefaced with the names.
Two things:
1. I've been with the police force for fifteen years. My career began after I helped the captain and his partner, Jerry solve the widowmaker case. I loved police work so much, that I decided to join the academy. I made Detective in a little under four years and a Sergeant in eight, after Jerry's health issues forced him to step down.
I haven't read the previous sections to see, but that seemed a bit large for exposition. Maybe that can be revealed through dialogue instead? Maybe have her co-worker talk about how long she's been with the force and isn't she tired of it. No, of course she isn't!
2. Why did the lawyer help her? Aside from the gun pointed at his head? Surreptitiously, would he have 911 on speed dial, recording their conversation?
I know I would.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2017
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review. I guess that is a bit much. I'll try to condense it. Why did Larry help her? He's a horndog, and he can't resist blond haired blue eyed woman. In previous chapters I had him getting to it with his secretary hours after his weekend love vest. He keeps the book steamy, lol.
Thanks again for your great review, take care.
Comment from apky
Although the story (if it ends here) doesn't have the neat happy end, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was action-packed and going like a car at the Formula One in Monaco!
Here are some nits for you to look at:
I'm not going down like that, not now, no(t)w ever, I think, picking up my pace. My stomach starts churning in fury as I push myself further.
"Yes, a criminal fled as she's(she was, in full. She's suggests present tense "she is", which would be wrong) being detained for a felony warrant out of Delaware."
"No, no, I ran because, the floozy(,-delete) I stole the ID from has a warrant for her arrest."
I had to kill him, Larry, I just had to(delete-o).
(")The hospital should be getting the release form, any minute now."
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2017
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Although the story (if it ends here) doesn't have the neat happy end, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was action-packed and going like a car at the Formula One in Monaco!
Here are some nits for you to look at:
I'm not going down like that, not now, no(t)w ever, I think, picking up my pace. My stomach starts churning in fury as I push myself further.
"Yes, a criminal fled as she's(she was, in full. She's suggests present tense "she is", which would be wrong) being detained for a felony warrant out of Delaware."
"No, no, I ran because, the floozy(,-delete) I stole the ID from has a warrant for her arrest."
I had to kill him, Larry, I just had to(delete-o).
(")The hospital should be getting the release form, any minute now."
Comment Written 10-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2017
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Thank you for your nice review and all of your helpful suggestions. I fixed all of the problems that you mentioned. Why do you think this is the last chapter? Is that what it shows? Because I'm only to the middle.
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Sorry, Mistydawn, I merely assumed. Thrilled I assumed wrong, and looking forward to read more.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. A very well-written and action-packed story. You had me hooked from start to finish. Normally, I don't much care for crime or mystery stories, but this one caught my attention and held it. I will watch for more of the same.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2017
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Excellent. A very well-written and action-packed story. You had me hooked from start to finish. Normally, I don't much care for crime or mystery stories, but this one caught my attention and held it. I will watch for more of the same.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2017
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Wow, that is such an honor for you to say something so sweet. Thank you so much you made my day and thank you for the wonderful review. I look forward to talking to you again. Take care.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Even Solicitor convinces, but of no result, again at hospital, Julia is seen running for the back door, need and mission more important than situation; suspense and mystery kept well; I liked.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2017
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Even Solicitor convinces, but of no result, again at hospital, Julia is seen running for the back door, need and mission more important than situation; suspense and mystery kept well; I liked.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2017
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Thank you for your great review, I'm so glad you enjoyed the chapter. Hearing that from readers makes all the hard work worthwhile. Thanks again, take care.
