A Knock at the Door
Contest entry12 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for sharing another outstanding story. I've read your work before and have always enjoyed every thing. Although, I can't remember any of them stirring my emotions anymore than these last two I've read. Great story! :-)
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2017
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Thanks for sharing another outstanding story. I've read your work before and have always enjoyed every thing. Although, I can't remember any of them stirring my emotions anymore than these last two I've read. Great story! :-)
Comment Written 31-May-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2017
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You are too kind my friend. Thanks for making my day.
Comment from F. Wehr3
I enjoyed your story and thought it was the best of the bunch. You have one missing part. You don't show him being tied up at all. He's all of the sudden tied up. Just FYI. Good luck in the contest.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 31-May-2017
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I enjoyed your story and thought it was the best of the bunch. You have one missing part. You don't show him being tied up at all. He's all of the sudden tied up. Just FYI. Good luck in the contest.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 31-May-2017
reply by the author on 31-May-2017
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Thanks much for the review and good wishes.
Comment from JDRBAR
There are a few nits and errors preventing me from giving this a six star rating. There was no indication the kidnapper had bound the father. It just jumped to it. Otherwise, let me say that this was a winning story in my personal opinion, and I think others will agree.
reply by the author on 30-May-2017
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There are a few nits and errors preventing me from giving this a six star rating. There was no indication the kidnapper had bound the father. It just jumped to it. Otherwise, let me say that this was a winning story in my personal opinion, and I think others will agree.
Comment Written 30-May-2017
reply by the author on 30-May-2017
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Thanks much-I have tried to go back and iron out a few things.
Comment from oliver818
Nice story. It's great that all that came from one small starting sentence.
If I can give you some advice, on a creative writing course I did they said every sentence should add to moving the plot forward or deepening our knowledge of the characters. Your writing has a lot of extra information that if you took it out would help the story flow better. I hope that is helpful. Thanks for sharing and have a great day
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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Nice story. It's great that all that came from one small starting sentence.
If I can give you some advice, on a creative writing course I did they said every sentence should add to moving the plot forward or deepening our knowledge of the characters. Your writing has a lot of extra information that if you took it out would help the story flow better. I hope that is helpful. Thanks for sharing and have a great day
Comment Written 28-May-2017
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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Thanks for the reading and ideas.
Comment from Leena
As I read along, I could feel the pain in my heart. How traumatic it must have been for the little child. Thank God its just a fiction!! Great job. Good luck for the contest.
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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As I read along, I could feel the pain in my heart. How traumatic it must have been for the little child. Thank God its just a fiction!! Great job. Good luck for the contest.
Comment Written 27-May-2017
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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Thanks so much.
Comment from apky
"You don't know, why not darling? My heart was pounding in my chest.
~ you need to close quote this.
"Don't worry(,) Honey, Daddy is all right, but where...?"
I'm not afraid to answer the door any more. ~ the perfect ending for this marvellously sad story - for me anyway.
Did a great job,
Apky
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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"You don't know, why not darling? My heart was pounding in my chest.
~ you need to close quote this.
"Don't worry(,) Honey, Daddy is all right, but where...?"
I'm not afraid to answer the door any more. ~ the perfect ending for this marvellously sad story - for me anyway.
Did a great job,
Apky
Comment Written 27-May-2017
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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Thanks so much.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
what an emotional, traumatic time -- it's
good that she's sttled now and things are
back to normal. Thank you for sharing this.
my Jenny home, and ,I talked.
my Jenny home, and I, talked.
thing I wanted...revenge.
thing I wanted ... revenge --- space at each side
Good luck with the contest,
Margaret
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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what an emotional, traumatic time -- it's
good that she's sttled now and things are
back to normal. Thank you for sharing this.
my Jenny home, and ,I talked.
my Jenny home, and I, talked.
thing I wanted...revenge.
thing I wanted ... revenge --- space at each side
Good luck with the contest,
Margaret
Comment Written 27-May-2017
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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Thanks much for the help.
Comment from nor84
I wanted to give you a heads up review. The contest rules ask for the entry to start with a specific sentence, which is: There was a knock on the door. This entry changed on to at. You probably still have time to fix it.
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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I wanted to give you a heads up review. The contest rules ask for the entry to start with a specific sentence, which is: There was a knock on the door. This entry changed on to at. You probably still have time to fix it.
Comment Written 27-May-2017
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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Oh my gosh. I looked so well...i thought! Greatly appreciated.
Comment from WalkerMan
This tense but ultimately heartwarming tale is an excellent entry for this contest. It is believable, has plausible dialog, and moves swiftly and logically to its happy conclusion that is just imperfect enough (the cut tendon's effect) to be realistic. Well done.
reply by the author on 30-May-2017
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This tense but ultimately heartwarming tale is an excellent entry for this contest. It is believable, has plausible dialog, and moves swiftly and logically to its happy conclusion that is just imperfect enough (the cut tendon's effect) to be realistic. Well done.
Comment Written 26-May-2017
reply by the author on 30-May-2017
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Thanks-will work on these.
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I see the changes and have removed the relevant comments as I promised. This is an excellent contender in the contest with solid chance to win.
Comment from Jay Squires
It's obvious you are a story-teller. I imagine you enjoyed writing this, maneuvering around the characters to fit the images in your mind. I've been writing for sixty years, and the process is as thrilling today as it was when I wrote my first story, "Sawdust and Glory," a silly piece about a high school pole-vaulter.
What I've done here is make my observations, suggestions and corrections as I went along. I hope you find them helpful. You'll notice I deducted a star for the grammatical errors. It's not permanent, though. If you let me know when you've made the corrections I'll give your star back.
So onward!
There was a knock at the door. My heart longed for answers, yet cringed in fear to know them. [Read this aloud without "in fear." It is out of fear that one cringes, correct. The bonus is that the sentence is better balanced without it. Read it aloud both ways, and I think you'll agree.]
I didn't look out the peep hole because I did not care if something happened to me. [As a reader, I don't buy this--based on the cringing and the trepidation. If I can suggest what might soften the statement, it would be something like, "I didn't look out the peep hole because PART OF ME didn't REALLY care if something happened to me." It makes it a little less unequivocal, hence more believable.]
If it was someone come to hurt me in another way, then let them come. [Good control of suspense!]
and adrenalin coursed through my body. [Suggest you SHOW THE EFFECT of the adrenalin coursing through the body. I don't think it's something you can feel, but you can feel weak in the knees, your heart can race, etc.]
and stuck with the case, and saw the sadness in his eyes. [To me, the sadness in his eyes is the keynote to the paragraph. If it were me, I'd put that last clause in a sentence of its own. "I saw the sadness in his eyes," all alone, gives special impact to the paragraph.]
When we asked her, her name she didn't even know that." [I know you don't like "her" twice together in the sentence, but a comma between them doesn't help. Read it aloud with the pause that the comma signals. Why not, "When we asked her name ..." That works.]
and no evidence there, it's looking grim." [I run across this with writers here more than any other grammatical nit. It's called a "run-on sentence," and editors hate them. It's caused by having two complete sentences separated by a comma. Here, you have a sentence ending with "there," and another beginning with "it's". So you need punctuation other than a comma here (either a semicolon or a period).
"I always thought, to [No comma after "thought"]
The Officer, who brought my Jenny home, and ,I talked. [You've already established him as Officer Frank. Why not simply, "Officer Frank and I talked."?]
I sat with her every day, trying to help her recall her home, I took her to her therapy appointments, but nothing was helping. [Another "run-on sentence". In the interest of time, I won't point out further instances of it, but you should try to get a handle on the rule. Here is a link you should find helpful: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/engagement/2/1/34/ (They may refer to it as a "Comma-splice" but it's the same thing.]
So, innocent, yet what lived, within the recesses of that small head. [Your use of commas seems haphazard. You shouldn't have a comma after the following: "and, but, so, for, nor, yet, or." They are coordinating conjunctions. Even though you tend to pause after them, you don't put a comma there. Why in the world you put a comma in your sentence, above, after "lived" Read it aloud and pause there. Doesn't it seem odd to pause there?]
It had started to dry some anyway. [Ask yourself if this adds anything to the story. If it doesn't you should remove it.]
"It's better than okay," I laughed. [Don't use an action as a dialogue tag. Put a period after OKAY. If you want a dialogue tag, leave the comma and follow with "I SAID, LAUGHING."]
The police arrived, thankfully with Officer Frank, because the first guy, got shook up about the blood on my daughter. He thought, I did something to her. Officer Frank knew better, after all this time. [Again, read your paragraph aloud and remove all the commas where your pause doesn't fit. You should be able to hear the oddness of them.]
I wanted to strangle him but, for some reason the police wouldn't let me at him. [Not "for some reason" but "for OBVIOUS reasons".]
Don't forget to let me know.
******************************************************************************
I either already returned your star, or failed to deduct one initially. You already have five stars.
reply by the author on 30-May-2017
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It's obvious you are a story-teller. I imagine you enjoyed writing this, maneuvering around the characters to fit the images in your mind. I've been writing for sixty years, and the process is as thrilling today as it was when I wrote my first story, "Sawdust and Glory," a silly piece about a high school pole-vaulter.
What I've done here is make my observations, suggestions and corrections as I went along. I hope you find them helpful. You'll notice I deducted a star for the grammatical errors. It's not permanent, though. If you let me know when you've made the corrections I'll give your star back.
So onward!
There was a knock at the door. My heart longed for answers, yet cringed in fear to know them. [Read this aloud without "in fear." It is out of fear that one cringes, correct. The bonus is that the sentence is better balanced without it. Read it aloud both ways, and I think you'll agree.]
I didn't look out the peep hole because I did not care if something happened to me. [As a reader, I don't buy this--based on the cringing and the trepidation. If I can suggest what might soften the statement, it would be something like, "I didn't look out the peep hole because PART OF ME didn't REALLY care if something happened to me." It makes it a little less unequivocal, hence more believable.]
If it was someone come to hurt me in another way, then let them come. [Good control of suspense!]
and adrenalin coursed through my body. [Suggest you SHOW THE EFFECT of the adrenalin coursing through the body. I don't think it's something you can feel, but you can feel weak in the knees, your heart can race, etc.]
and stuck with the case, and saw the sadness in his eyes. [To me, the sadness in his eyes is the keynote to the paragraph. If it were me, I'd put that last clause in a sentence of its own. "I saw the sadness in his eyes," all alone, gives special impact to the paragraph.]
When we asked her, her name she didn't even know that." [I know you don't like "her" twice together in the sentence, but a comma between them doesn't help. Read it aloud with the pause that the comma signals. Why not, "When we asked her name ..." That works.]
and no evidence there, it's looking grim." [I run across this with writers here more than any other grammatical nit. It's called a "run-on sentence," and editors hate them. It's caused by having two complete sentences separated by a comma. Here, you have a sentence ending with "there," and another beginning with "it's". So you need punctuation other than a comma here (either a semicolon or a period).
"I always thought, to [No comma after "thought"]
The Officer, who brought my Jenny home, and ,I talked. [You've already established him as Officer Frank. Why not simply, "Officer Frank and I talked."?]
I sat with her every day, trying to help her recall her home, I took her to her therapy appointments, but nothing was helping. [Another "run-on sentence". In the interest of time, I won't point out further instances of it, but you should try to get a handle on the rule. Here is a link you should find helpful: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/engagement/2/1/34/ (They may refer to it as a "Comma-splice" but it's the same thing.]
So, innocent, yet what lived, within the recesses of that small head. [Your use of commas seems haphazard. You shouldn't have a comma after the following: "and, but, so, for, nor, yet, or." They are coordinating conjunctions. Even though you tend to pause after them, you don't put a comma there. Why in the world you put a comma in your sentence, above, after "lived" Read it aloud and pause there. Doesn't it seem odd to pause there?]
It had started to dry some anyway. [Ask yourself if this adds anything to the story. If it doesn't you should remove it.]
"It's better than okay," I laughed. [Don't use an action as a dialogue tag. Put a period after OKAY. If you want a dialogue tag, leave the comma and follow with "I SAID, LAUGHING."]
The police arrived, thankfully with Officer Frank, because the first guy, got shook up about the blood on my daughter. He thought, I did something to her. Officer Frank knew better, after all this time. [Again, read your paragraph aloud and remove all the commas where your pause doesn't fit. You should be able to hear the oddness of them.]
I wanted to strangle him but, for some reason the police wouldn't let me at him. [Not "for some reason" but "for OBVIOUS reasons".]
Don't forget to let me know.
******************************************************************************
I either already returned your star, or failed to deduct one initially. You already have five stars.
Comment Written 26-May-2017
reply by the author on 30-May-2017
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Thanks-will get to work on those.
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I removed a bunch of commas but I have to tell you that people are always telling me there must be a comma before but. (Note I did not put one here since you questioned it-ha.) Anyway, I took most of you suggestions. One or two, I did not-matter of opinion, but also because word count was limited. I did find your corrections helpful. The one about run-on sentences helped, though when I tried in one place, was not a complete sentence. Always learning is a good thing.
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The important thing is to NOT place a comma AFTER "but, and, or, nor, so, for or yet" since they are coordinating conjunctions, but I don't know that you MUST put a comma before "but."
I'll go back and return your star.
