Travesty of Justice
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Afternoon Delight"Two people accused of a crime they didn't commit.
3 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
Hum... you have the suspense parts down and definitely have some knowledge about the sweeter gifts of life. Although, the joys would be short lived with such a monster. Thanks for sharing. There are spots of brilliance and, as with most of what we write, a couple boo boos that need some attention.
(add)
>>"Good morning, Kathy, how's the sexiest (secretary) in the building doing today?" (A sectary is a member of a religious or political sect. -- So, I'm figuring you meant secretary)
>>Her pretty young face turn(s) scarlet red as I continue to check her out.
>>Turning, I see Kathy standing frozen by her desk, mouth agape staring at my fine physique.
>> I then recall how she wrapped her long sexy legs around me and the way she sunk her claws into (my) ass forcing me deep inside her.
>>"They're fine, (Sir).
>>Congratulations, on your win, today.
>>Me, the philanderer, the one who leaves woman wishing for more, (and she has) me begging to see her again.
>>Oh, how I wish I (could) stay hidden away from this cold, devious man,...
GREAT job!
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2017
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Hum... you have the suspense parts down and definitely have some knowledge about the sweeter gifts of life. Although, the joys would be short lived with such a monster. Thanks for sharing. There are spots of brilliance and, as with most of what we write, a couple boo boos that need some attention.
(add)
>>"Good morning, Kathy, how's the sexiest
>>Her pretty young face turn(s) scarlet red as I continue to check her out.
>>Turning, I see Kathy standing frozen by her desk, mouth agape staring at my fine physique
>> I then recall how she wrapped her long sexy legs around me and the way she sunk her claws into (my) ass forcing me deep inside her.
>>"They're fine,
>>Congratulations,
>>Me, the philanderer, the one who leaves woman wishing for more, (and she has)
>>Oh, how I wish I
GREAT job!
Comment Written 18-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2017
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Thank you for all of your help I really do appreciate all the advice you've given me, take care.
(add)
>>"Good morning, Kathy, how's the sexiest (secretary) in the building doing today?" (A sectary is a member of a religious or political sect. -- So, I'm figuring you meant secretary)
>>Her pretty young face turn(s) scarlet red as I continue to check her out.
>>Turning, I see Kathy standing frozen by her desk, mouth agape staring at my fine physique.
>> I then recall how she wrapped her long sexy legs around me and the way she sunk her claws into (my) ass forcing me deep inside her.
>>"They're fine, (Sir).
>>Congratulations, on your win, today.
>>Me, the philanderer, the one who leaves woman wishing for more, (and she has) me begging to see her again.
>>Oh, how I wish I (could) stay hidden away from this cold, devious man,...
GREAT job!
Huh, all I did was copy and paste exactly what I had originally sent, or thought I had. Let me know if it still has the lines through the text? Please. It appears that you have already made some of my suggested changes. This has no line through anything, but I definitely saw where they were on my original review. But I still have no idea why or how they got there
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Just the date. this time.
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Ok, that's strange. It said I had 1 reply when I checked it's the same you just sent only now this is added to it.
I then recall how she wrapped her long sexy legs around me and the way she sunk her claws into (my) ass forcing me deep inside her.
>>"They're fine, (Sir).
>>Congratulations, on your win, today.
>>Me, the philanderer, the one who leaves woman wishing for more, (and she has) me begging to see her again.
>>Oh, how I wish I (could) stay hidden away from this cold, devious man,...
This is what was marked out originally.
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This is crazy. Something is messing up. I would never just put lines through anything, without at least giving some sort of explanation. Oh, well, anyway, at least with the added part you can see my suggestions. I just read another chapter and I'm headed back to get the last one. Let me know if there are any more lines through text. :-)
Comment from Cmelton
Quite a horn dog is he, lol. I think you have a great beginning and a great ending. I like the dialogue and the character and how he is hiding who he is. He has a lot of issues but is hiding behind a mask. I look forward to reading more of your work.
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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Quite a horn dog is he, lol. I think you have a great beginning and a great ending. I like the dialogue and the character and how he is hiding who he is. He has a lot of issues but is hiding behind a mask. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Comment Written 23-May-2017
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review. You're right he does have issues one of them being his incorrigible sexual appetite.
Thank you again for the nice review, take care.
Comment from F. Wehr3
I enjoyed this part of your book. Larry is kind of sick pervert, but a great character.
I made some notes as I read. First, I have a couple of general comments. You verb tense changes from past to present a lot. I recommend you stick to the past tense. Second, I noticed you put the actions of Kathy with the dialogue of Larry. This will confuse the reader.
I waltz through the office door whistling a merry tune. --Suggest a comm after door. Otherwise it sounds as if the door is whistling.
"Good morning Mr. Lawrenson." --Place a comma after morning.
"Good morning Kathy,--comma before Kathy.
I wink. She blushes again.--Here you interspersed actions from two characters.
but when Jen announced she was pregnant my dad forced me to marry her. --Comma after pregnant.
"I. I won't Sir."--To show hesitation add the three dot ellipsis in between I ... I
I was hoping he'd leave but he strolls to my bookcase instead. --Comma before but.
"That's the way baby." --Comma before baby.
Turning back around I see she's still frozen in place. --Comma after around.
cold devious man--Comma after cold.
Who's the guy? Larry knows, so you should reveal it. Overall, good work with this. I hope you find this helpful.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 23-May-2017
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I enjoyed this part of your book. Larry is kind of sick pervert, but a great character.
I made some notes as I read. First, I have a couple of general comments. You verb tense changes from past to present a lot. I recommend you stick to the past tense. Second, I noticed you put the actions of Kathy with the dialogue of Larry. This will confuse the reader.
I waltz through the office door whistling a merry tune. --Suggest a comm after door. Otherwise it sounds as if the door is whistling.
"Good morning Mr. Lawrenson." --Place a comma after morning.
"Good morning Kathy,--comma before Kathy.
I wink. She blushes again.--Here you interspersed actions from two characters.
but when Jen announced she was pregnant my dad forced me to marry her. --Comma after pregnant.
"I. I won't Sir."--To show hesitation add the three dot ellipsis in between I ... I
I was hoping he'd leave but he strolls to my bookcase instead. --Comma before but.
"That's the way baby." --Comma before baby.
Turning back around I see she's still frozen in place. --Comma after around.
cold devious man--Comma after cold.
Who's the guy? Larry knows, so you should reveal it. Overall, good work with this. I hope you find this helpful.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 23-May-2017
reply by the author on 23-May-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review and for all of your helpful suggestions. Since Larry is telling the story I can't make it all past tense so I went back and revised it. I think I only have the weekend parts in past tense, that was my goal anyhow. I had trouble with switching tenses when I first began and I hope I'm not regressing back to that again. I'm using a different pov from what I'm used to and wonder if that has anything to do with the regression.
Thank you again for all of your help and your suggestions, take care.
