Rest in Peace
A Cinquain pair for the contest29 total reviews
Comment from Bucketlist
You have such romance poetry tales. Were you born that way, or are you self taught? It's amazing to me how well some of the FS men write romance. Kudos to you. I enjoyed reading your cinquains good luck in the contest
Trisha
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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You have such romance poetry tales. Were you born that way, or are you self taught? It's amazing to me how well some of the FS men write romance. Kudos to you. I enjoyed reading your cinquains good luck in the contest
Trisha
Comment Written 27-May-2017
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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Very many thanks for your review, Trisha. I'm largely self-taught, though a few years here on FS have certainly sharpened my skills. Best wishes, Tony.
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We all can hope for that! You're always welcome
Comment from w.j.debi
Nice imagery in your well crafted double cinquain. You create a sense of loss and longing, still wanting to protect and not quite ready to say the last good-bye. The word may be said, but the ties still remain.
reply by the author on 27-May-2017
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Nice imagery in your well crafted double cinquain. You create a sense of loss and longing, still wanting to protect and not quite ready to say the last good-bye. The word may be said, but the ties still remain.
Comment Written 25-May-2017
reply by the author on 27-May-2017
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Thanks, WJ. As always, I appreciate your review. Tony
Comment from Aussie
Best of Aussie luck with your contest entry. It gave me the shivers! I'm going in the oven not the ground where worms do crawl in and out. I hope this is fiction otherwise I will be in strife. Great Cinquain, like it for it's content and hope you do well my friend.
reply by the author on 27-May-2017
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Best of Aussie luck with your contest entry. It gave me the shivers! I'm going in the oven not the ground where worms do crawl in and out. I hope this is fiction otherwise I will be in strife. Great Cinquain, like it for it's content and hope you do well my friend.
Comment Written 25-May-2017
reply by the author on 27-May-2017
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Thanks, Kay. I appreciate your review. The oven will do me too - I'm already half-baked! Tony
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Love your artwork Tony perfect for this Cinquain pair.With your repeated word -still- Adieu - it adds to the drama of the poem as she lays in her grave while he weeps through the 'night-cold air'
Very nice read,
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 27-May-2017
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Love your artwork Tony perfect for this Cinquain pair.With your repeated word -still- Adieu - it adds to the drama of the poem as she lays in her grave while he weeps through the 'night-cold air'
Very nice read,
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 25-May-2017
reply by the author on 27-May-2017
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Thanks, Valda. I appreciate your review. Tony
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written pair of Cinquains. We can only stand in silence at the grave of a loved one and let the mind go to the great memories you shared in your life together.
reply by the author on 27-May-2017
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A very well-written pair of Cinquains. We can only stand in silence at the grave of a loved one and let the mind go to the great memories you shared in your life together.
Comment Written 25-May-2017
reply by the author on 27-May-2017
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Thanks, Sandra. I appreciate your review. Tony
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A clever write, inventive and flowed well, great sentiments too and always well written, a joy to read, I wish you luck with the Cinquain Poetry Contest!, Best wishes Dolly x
reply by the author on 27-May-2017
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A clever write, inventive and flowed well, great sentiments too and always well written, a joy to read, I wish you luck with the Cinquain Poetry Contest!, Best wishes Dolly x
Comment Written 25-May-2017
reply by the author on 27-May-2017
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Thanks, Dolly. I appreciate your review. Tony
Comment from estory
I liked this short, but poignant piece. You kept resting on that word 'still', which was perfect for this theme. the stars were also a great image, constant, eternal, like the spirit inside of us, and yet far away, removed from the relationships of this world. the cold was perfect too. It seemed melancholy, but hopeful. a really great remembrance piece that packs all the emotions, all the loss and hope, into a small space. great alliterations and repetitions built up a soft languid music out of the language estory
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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I liked this short, but poignant piece. You kept resting on that word 'still', which was perfect for this theme. the stars were also a great image, constant, eternal, like the spirit inside of us, and yet far away, removed from the relationships of this world. the cold was perfect too. It seemed melancholy, but hopeful. a really great remembrance piece that packs all the emotions, all the loss and hope, into a small space. great alliterations and repetitions built up a soft languid music out of the language estory
Comment Written 24-May-2017
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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Very many thanks, Estory. I'm glad that the emotional, somewhat melancholy tone of this short poem resonated with you. I appreciate your comments. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from krys123
Cheers Tony;
-your creativity and ingenuity has created an out-of-the-box looking in type of poem for this cinquain contest entry.
-The topic is bewildering for some but establishes a well-known fact of sorrow for those who have passed and that we dearly love their cared for. You touched the human spirit and emotionally impacted the human behavioral aspect of life.
-The picture maybe gruesome but shows an actual fact of life that we all must adhere to that we all must die and be left alone until we are together once again in heaven or wherever we believe we will be.
-The total composition as well composed and examined the ingenuity is remarkably inventive.
-Good luck in the contest and take care and have a good one.
Alex
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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Cheers Tony;
-your creativity and ingenuity has created an out-of-the-box looking in type of poem for this cinquain contest entry.
-The topic is bewildering for some but establishes a well-known fact of sorrow for those who have passed and that we dearly love their cared for. You touched the human spirit and emotionally impacted the human behavioral aspect of life.
-The picture maybe gruesome but shows an actual fact of life that we all must adhere to that we all must die and be left alone until we are together once again in heaven or wherever we believe we will be.
-The total composition as well composed and examined the ingenuity is remarkably inventive.
-Good luck in the contest and take care and have a good one.
Alex
Comment Written 24-May-2017
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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Very many thanks, Alex. I'm glad that you were touched by the emotional, somewhat melancholy tone of this short poem, and I appreciate your award of six stars. Thanks, also, for the good luck wishes. You have a good one, too, and take care. Best wishes, Tony
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Again you are so very welcome Tony and take care of yourself and your family and God bless you all.
Alex
Comment from --Turtle.
This poem uses minimum punctuation and repetition and I think enjambment? to weave a sorrowful image of losing a loved one, having to say goodbye. There is a solemn tone sensed. I enjoyed the use of the 'be still' echo. Has good effect.
Unfortunately, poetry isn't something I'm very good at. I tend to trip over enjambment, ... In this case, I think that the line breaks gives a jostle that allows for a slight overlap of one line to the next in the reading.
I like the way you parallel what I think is dew, and tears... both as stars... at least, that's how I interpreted the translucent stars and the dark stars wept...
I spent some time contemplating the minimum punctuation... wondered to myself, was leaving out the direct addressment comma done so 'my love' could be taken as being talked 'about' instead of 'to'. Like the voice of the poem is not calling the you of the poem: my love.
Even in minimum punctuation type poems, I'm compelled to recommend the direct addressment commas, can't help myself--if the intent is that the poem is being directed to someone called 'my love'. I'm not saying it needs to change though. I don't know enough about poetry and the intent of the minimum punctuation to make any real suggestions.
The way it read, to me... I wanted a comma:
night's cold breath(,) my love
Because the first my love feels like the pov is speaking to 'my love' and the second my love feels like the pov is speaking about my love.
I enjoyed thinking through this poem... and I shared my thoughts on it along the way.
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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This poem uses minimum punctuation and repetition and I think enjambment? to weave a sorrowful image of losing a loved one, having to say goodbye. There is a solemn tone sensed. I enjoyed the use of the 'be still' echo. Has good effect.
Unfortunately, poetry isn't something I'm very good at. I tend to trip over enjambment, ... In this case, I think that the line breaks gives a jostle that allows for a slight overlap of one line to the next in the reading.
I like the way you parallel what I think is dew, and tears... both as stars... at least, that's how I interpreted the translucent stars and the dark stars wept...
I spent some time contemplating the minimum punctuation... wondered to myself, was leaving out the direct addressment comma done so 'my love' could be taken as being talked 'about' instead of 'to'. Like the voice of the poem is not calling the you of the poem: my love.
Even in minimum punctuation type poems, I'm compelled to recommend the direct addressment commas, can't help myself--if the intent is that the poem is being directed to someone called 'my love'. I'm not saying it needs to change though. I don't know enough about poetry and the intent of the minimum punctuation to make any real suggestions.
The way it read, to me... I wanted a comma:
night's cold breath(,) my love
Because the first my love feels like the pov is speaking to 'my love' and the second my love feels like the pov is speaking about my love.
I enjoyed thinking through this poem... and I shared my thoughts on it along the way.
Comment Written 24-May-2017
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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Very many thanks for sharing your thoughts on this one. I agree that a comma is necessary, grammatically, where you suggest.
I usually punctuate my writing fully and think, on balance, that it is better to do so. My reasons for not putting any punctuation in here were weak. On reflection, I have adopted your suggestion and have also punctuated the rest of the poem. All or none, I think!
Be still,
I bid you; still
As the translucent stars
Condensed from night's cold breath, my love,
Adieu.
Adieu,
I bid you - still
As the dark stars I wept
To rest my love from night-cold air.
Be still.
Very few, if any, other reviewers understood that the stars in the first Cinquain were reflected in the dew. I thought 'condensed' and 'translucent' made that clear - even without the aural echo of "Adieu'!
Thanks again!
Tony
Comment from rosehill (Wendy)
This is such a gentle poem on what I call the quiet grief. It sneaks up on us when we are alone, or we seek it out by a graveside to prove, to ourselves, that we still remember, still love, and that there is a purpose in a death, a quieting of all of life's unnecessary noise. I love the way you wrap the poem with the repeat lines and the softness of the word adieu. - Nicely done, Tony
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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This is such a gentle poem on what I call the quiet grief. It sneaks up on us when we are alone, or we seek it out by a graveside to prove, to ourselves, that we still remember, still love, and that there is a purpose in a death, a quieting of all of life's unnecessary noise. I love the way you wrap the poem with the repeat lines and the softness of the word adieu. - Nicely done, Tony
Comment Written 24-May-2017
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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Very many thanks, Wendy. I'm glad that the emotional, somewhat melancholy tone of this short poem resonated with you. I appreciate your comments. Best wishes, Tony
