Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "The Bowels of the Earth"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
27 total reviews
Comment from TheWriteTeach
Rhonda,
Excellent description of Ayala's feelings about being in the mine. I am a terrible claustrophobic, and your descriptions were so vivid, that I started to breath heavy and feel slightly panicky. I rushed through that part to be done with it. I can't speak for others, but for me, when a piece elicits such physical reactions in the reader, I think that's darn good writing!
Your descriptive narrative was extraordinary throughout. The pictures in my mind were so vivid, I truly believed that if I stuck my hand out, I would be able to touch the walls of the cave and feel the flakes of minerals. Very well written.
Archie was very concerned/protective of Ayala - more so than he was of Koko, who, being pregnant, should have been the main concern. Not that he was dismissive of Koko, but it is obvious he cares for Ayala. I can see romance in the future for those two! Which would be problematic in its own right. Oh, the tangled web you weave with this!
By this pale light, the secrets of the mines burst forth like flowers in the desert after a rain. This sentence is a great simile. I love it.
"Fairies are useless creatures who dance around in the moonlight and catch butterflies. Tommyknockers are hardworking..." You have subtle humor sprinkled throughout this section of conversation. It lightens the tension and severity of their plight.
I noticed a couple of things:
"Don't look up or down, just forward. Let one foot fall and the other replace it as you follow Koko. Watch her feet, listen for mine." (Perhaps I'm not reading this right, but, to me, it seems contradictory. Archie tells Ayala to not look up or down, only forward. But he then tells her to watch Koko's feet. She needs to look down in order to do that, right?)
He had often wondered what the {earth} looked like deep beneath its surface, and found himself impressed by what he saw. (I think this one could go either way, depending on how one looked at it. When I read this sentence I took it that 'earth' was the planet rather than the dirt on the planet.)
She sat beside her sister on a boulder beside the path (You used 'beside' twice in the same sentence, only a few words apart. Maybe use a different word for one?)
Besides, the Tommyknockers are about[,] and they'll watch out for anything that might harm us." (need comma where indicated)
mountain steppes (Is this contradictory? I never associated a mountain and steppe. I've always thought a steppe was a level plain, or prairie-type area.)
"No, {son}, this is between the two of us. (Son needs to be capitalized.)
Loved this chapter. Keep up the good work. Not too long before school is out and you will have more time to concentrate on your writing!
Suzanne
reply by the author on 18-May-2017
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Rhonda,
Excellent description of Ayala's feelings about being in the mine. I am a terrible claustrophobic, and your descriptions were so vivid, that I started to breath heavy and feel slightly panicky. I rushed through that part to be done with it. I can't speak for others, but for me, when a piece elicits such physical reactions in the reader, I think that's darn good writing!
Your descriptive narrative was extraordinary throughout. The pictures in my mind were so vivid, I truly believed that if I stuck my hand out, I would be able to touch the walls of the cave and feel the flakes of minerals. Very well written.
Archie was very concerned/protective of Ayala - more so than he was of Koko, who, being pregnant, should have been the main concern. Not that he was dismissive of Koko, but it is obvious he cares for Ayala. I can see romance in the future for those two! Which would be problematic in its own right. Oh, the tangled web you weave with this!
By this pale light, the secrets of the mines burst forth like flowers in the desert after a rain. This sentence is a great simile. I love it.
"Fairies are useless creatures who dance around in the moonlight and catch butterflies. Tommyknockers are hardworking..." You have subtle humor sprinkled throughout this section of conversation. It lightens the tension and severity of their plight.
I noticed a couple of things:
"Don't look up or down, just forward. Let one foot fall and the other replace it as you follow Koko. Watch her feet, listen for mine." (Perhaps I'm not reading this right, but, to me, it seems contradictory. Archie tells Ayala to not look up or down, only forward. But he then tells her to watch Koko's feet. She needs to look down in order to do that, right?)
He had often wondered what the {earth} looked like deep beneath its surface, and found himself impressed by what he saw. (I think this one could go either way, depending on how one looked at it. When I read this sentence I took it that 'earth' was the planet rather than the dirt on the planet.)
She sat beside her sister on a boulder beside the path (You used 'beside' twice in the same sentence, only a few words apart. Maybe use a different word for one?)
Besides, the Tommyknockers are about[,] and they'll watch out for anything that might harm us." (need comma where indicated)
mountain steppes (Is this contradictory? I never associated a mountain and steppe. I've always thought a steppe was a level plain, or prairie-type area.)
"No, {son}, this is between the two of us. (Son needs to be capitalized.)
Loved this chapter. Keep up the good work. Not too long before school is out and you will have more time to concentrate on your writing!
Suzanne
Comment Written 18-May-2017
reply by the author on 18-May-2017
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Thank you for the brilliant review, my friend! I do so appreciate the positive comments, because it's a chapter I spent a lot of time on. One of our esteemed colleagues have it a four, which basically hurt my feelings because I thought it was better than that. I will go make the changes you suggested, and I appreciate your finding them.
Take care, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
I have patiently waited for another chapter and you have not disappointed me. The descriptions put me in the mine or tunnel with them and the excitement and yet the apprehension shows through
reply by the author on 18-May-2017
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I have patiently waited for another chapter and you have not disappointed me. The descriptions put me in the mine or tunnel with them and the excitement and yet the apprehension shows through
Comment Written 18-May-2017
reply by the author on 18-May-2017
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Thank you, Barb! I had colorectal surgery for a tumor. They got it all, but I was in the hospital for 8 days, and am recovering now at home.
I can't really stay online long, but am getting stronger. I've worked about a week on the chapter. Okay, more than you wanted to know, but thank you for the comments and review,
Rhonda
Comment from Commando
Awesome artwork by GaliaG. And Rhonda has presented this chapter in a most
commendable way. God! She can write em and as well, leaves one begging for
more. She is a beautiful chemistry teacher, and had me stand in the corner when
I flirted with her in class. Last time she stood me there, "I blew her kisses from across the room." She saw this and blushed. That night, I fell to sleep and dreamed of her. I kissed her lips, and she slapped my face. Ouch!! Well written, Rhonda. And I'm waiting in the snow bank, "for the chemistry lesson." Please, hurry, for I'm sure getting cold. I love your hair in the profile picture, and the beautiful smile as well. God bless you, my dear friend.
reply by the author on 18-May-2017
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Awesome artwork by GaliaG. And Rhonda has presented this chapter in a most
commendable way. God! She can write em and as well, leaves one begging for
more. She is a beautiful chemistry teacher, and had me stand in the corner when
I flirted with her in class. Last time she stood me there, "I blew her kisses from across the room." She saw this and blushed. That night, I fell to sleep and dreamed of her. I kissed her lips, and she slapped my face. Ouch!! Well written, Rhonda. And I'm waiting in the snow bank, "for the chemistry lesson." Please, hurry, for I'm sure getting cold. I love your hair in the profile picture, and the beautiful smile as well. God bless you, my dear friend.
Comment Written 18-May-2017
reply by the author on 18-May-2017
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Wow, what a review!! Not only did you comment on the story, but on our dirty little secret. haha.
Thanks for the six stars and the smile!!
Take care,
Rhonda
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Please, blow me a kiss from across the miles, beautiful.
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Consider it done!
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Consider it done!
Comment from lyenochka
Oooh. The plot is taking a new turn! Great tour of the cave. I love caves and feel sorry that Ayala can't enjoy it but it was good to have different reactions. The "they" has peeked my interest and I wonder what will we see next, centaurs? satyrs?
reply by the author on 18-May-2017
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Oooh. The plot is taking a new turn! Great tour of the cave. I love caves and feel sorry that Ayala can't enjoy it but it was good to have different reactions. The "they" has peeked my interest and I wonder what will we see next, centaurs? satyrs?
Comment Written 18-May-2017
reply by the author on 18-May-2017
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Thank you for the excellent review, my friend. "They" will show up soon, but Archie has a surprise first. Not one he will necessarily like.
Take care, my friend,
Rhonda
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Glad you're okay, Rhonda. I was thinking you must be very busy with school. Blessings.
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Thank you so much!
Comment from Mike Stevens
Another fine chapter, Rhonda, but no fair, a teaser chapter--damn it, the suspense will drive me mad, but as my dad says, 'Going crazy? Short trip!' Eh, ha, woo! Yes, my dad's jokes are just as lame as mine!
reply by the author on 18-May-2017
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Another fine chapter, Rhonda, but no fair, a teaser chapter--damn it, the suspense will drive me mad, but as my dad says, 'Going crazy? Short trip!' Eh, ha, woo! Yes, my dad's jokes are just as lame as mine!
Comment Written 18-May-2017
reply by the author on 18-May-2017
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That's too funny!! Your dad sounds like a cool guy! Had to make a teaser, or continue writing for another hour.
Thanks, my friend, for the wonderful review!
Rhonda
Comment from apky
Southern girl, you again had me racing through the page.
It was like running through an endless meadow that
spreads across hills and valleys! Hard to imagine, right?
Then think of sprinting across this terrain - that's your
writing. I sprinting, climbing up the hills and teetering
down the valleys to the next hill I have to crest...
great,
Apky
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-May-2017
|
Southern girl, you again had me racing through the page.
It was like running through an endless meadow that
spreads across hills and valleys! Hard to imagine, right?
Then think of sprinting across this terrain - that's your
writing. I sprinting, climbing up the hills and teetering
down the valleys to the next hill I have to crest...
great,
Apky
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-May-2017
reply by the author on 18-May-2017
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Thank you so much, Apky! You're a great guy and help give me a smile!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Rhonda,
I have to say that I found this chapter to be quite passive. You use a lot of 'was', 'were' and 'had' throughout. I don't think it's always necessary and the balance could be a little better over showing/telling here. It seemed very pronounced in this instalment over the other ones.
Here for example - "Looks like a vein of rock," Archie observed. His brow was knit up with concentration - could be something like - Archie observed, his eyebrows knitted in concentration.
The worse problem you'll have is getting lost - maybe worst rather than worse here.
I know it can be difficult sometimes but watch out for repetition in phrasing - "Then lean against me," Archie said / "I'll lean on you, too," Koko said / his three charges leaning against the cave wall / While starting out leaning on Archie / his head leaning against the wall - some of these could be changed to resting, propping and so on.
No, son, this is between - Son should probably be capitalised here for consistency as you do so with Old one, and Child.
All the best
G
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-May-2017
 |
Hi Rhonda,
I have to say that I found this chapter to be quite passive. You use a lot of 'was', 'were' and 'had' throughout. I don't think it's always necessary and the balance could be a little better over showing/telling here. It seemed very pronounced in this instalment over the other ones.
Here for example - "Looks like a vein of rock," Archie observed. His brow was knit up with concentration - could be something like - Archie observed, his eyebrows knitted in concentration.
The worse problem you'll have is getting lost - maybe worst rather than worse here.
I know it can be difficult sometimes but watch out for repetition in phrasing - "Then lean against me," Archie said / "I'll lean on you, too," Koko said / his three charges leaning against the cave wall / While starting out leaning on Archie / his head leaning against the wall - some of these could be changed to resting, propping and so on.
No, son, this is between - Son should probably be capitalised here for consistency as you do so with Old one, and Child.
All the best
G
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-May-2017
reply by the author on 18-May-2017
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Thank you for your honest review. I'll go back and deal with your issues you've found. No attempt to get sympathy, but I'm heavily medicated right now from cancer surgery. I have worked on it about a week, and I'm afraid it shows it. Unlike some famous author's of the past, I do not work well on drugs. haha.
Thank you for your comments. As always, I know the spirit in which you review.
Take care,
Rhonda
