Celebration
A Lonely Celebration10 total reviews
Comment from hvysmker
I know she's doing a very important job and that if I want her, it comes with the baggage of the job, but I'm getting tired of eating alone, not seeing her for days, and not having her experience milestones with me, like tonight."
*** Hmmmm! I'm sensing a bit of male chauvinism there. Apparently he's also been working overtime on that two-mil contract. Yet he resents his wife doing the same.
I felt like I was on my first date with a woman who was well above my station in life, but her brilliant smile, and those perfectly formed lips eased my nervousness that I never had being around her for the last two years.
*** Reads kind'a awkward to me? Maybe needs reassembling?
"No reason. I've just never seen you before outside of the office. I never noticed how beautiful you really are."
*** Oh, how I long for those days before Woman's Lib where it was okay to compliment a co-worker without risking a lawsuit. Right, Mr. Cosby? He-he-he, gigglesnort.
The way her hair moved when she turned, the way she sat with her legs crossed and her red heel slightly dangling, was causing my body temperature to rise.
*** Brings back memories.
"I feel like I'm entering a danger zone, Jenn."
*** Maybe so. I'm suspicious of all that spontaneity. Especially when his wife is a police sergeant.
She smiled seductively realizing I was hard.
*** I'd flip that sentence?
I let my emotions get to me and the fact that I'm always alone affect my judgement tonight.
*** judgment
She got in her car, drove to the South Street Seaport, and tossed both the gloves and the throw away gun into the river, then drove home.
*** throwaway
So there was a twist at the end, though not the one I expected.
Charlie
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I know she's doing a very important job and that if I want her, it comes with the baggage of the job, but I'm getting tired of eating alone, not seeing her for days, and not having her experience milestones with me, like tonight."
*** Hmmmm! I'm sensing a bit of male chauvinism there. Apparently he's also been working overtime on that two-mil contract. Yet he resents his wife doing the same.
I felt like I was on my first date with a woman who was well above my station in life, but her brilliant smile, and those perfectly formed lips eased my nervousness that I never had being around her for the last two years.
*** Reads kind'a awkward to me? Maybe needs reassembling?
"No reason. I've just never seen you before outside of the office. I never noticed how beautiful you really are."
*** Oh, how I long for those days before Woman's Lib where it was okay to compliment a co-worker without risking a lawsuit. Right, Mr. Cosby? He-he-he, gigglesnort.
The way her hair moved when she turned, the way she sat with her legs crossed and her red heel slightly dangling, was causing my body temperature to rise.
*** Brings back memories.
"I feel like I'm entering a danger zone, Jenn."
*** Maybe so. I'm suspicious of all that spontaneity. Especially when his wife is a police sergeant.
She smiled seductively realizing I was hard.
*** I'd flip that sentence?
I let my emotions get to me and the fact that I'm always alone affect my judgement tonight.
*** judgment
She got in her car, drove to the South Street Seaport, and tossed both the gloves and the throw away gun into the river, then drove home.
*** throwaway
So there was a twist at the end, though not the one I expected.
Charlie
Comment Written 17-Jun-2017
Comment from F. Wehr3
Good work on this story. I enjoyed the tension you created in the piece. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
Megan was married to two entities; her job, and me. --Suggest a colon instead of a semi-colon.
"Um, Yes, I need a drink." --lower case yes.
Most of the guy's I meet only want a one night stand, --guys
Jenn was just trying to.." --Suggest an em dash-- for interrupted speech and three dot ellipsis is used for trailing off speech, thinking.
My last comment in order for the story to be more believable is to not have Jenn kiss Dan in the office. He would/should have very different thoughts.
Take care,
Russell
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Good work on this story. I enjoyed the tension you created in the piece. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
Megan was married to two entities; her job, and me. --Suggest a colon instead of a semi-colon.
"Um, Yes, I need a drink." --lower case yes.
Most of the guy's I meet only want a one night stand, --guys
Jenn was just trying to.." --Suggest an em dash-- for interrupted speech and three dot ellipsis is used for trailing off speech, thinking.
My last comment in order for the story to be more believable is to not have Jenn kiss Dan in the office. He would/should have very different thoughts.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 19-May-2017
Comment from Mustang Patty
Nothing like a woman scorned! I can almost feel sorry for the guy - but if he decided he was lonely and needed to do something about it - he should have started by talking with his wife. Your prose flow well and you did a great job with this piece. Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
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Nothing like a woman scorned! I can almost feel sorry for the guy - but if he decided he was lonely and needed to do something about it - he should have started by talking with his wife. Your prose flow well and you did a great job with this piece. Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
Comment Written 17-May-2017
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I was half way through your post when my husband wanted me to do something for him. I wasn't at all happy. DARN!! I got back as soon as I could and finished. I figured Dan would walk away from Jennifer. I guess I hoped he would, but he didn't and his wife got revenge and the money.
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I was half way through your post when my husband wanted me to do something for him. I wasn't at all happy. DARN!! I got back as soon as I could and finished. I figured Dan would walk away from Jennifer. I guess I hoped he would, but he didn't and his wife got revenge and the money.
Comment Written 17-May-2017
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Thesis, I really loved this one. I have always liked erotic writes and loved the little twist to the story at the end. lol ... poor guy just about to get his "commission" and bang! Dead! loved it. xoxo Kiwi
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Hi Thesis, I really loved this one. I have always liked erotic writes and loved the little twist to the story at the end. lol ... poor guy just about to get his "commission" and bang! Dead! loved it. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 17-May-2017
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Well, Dan got more than he bargained for as well as that big check. I think you might want to also put a warning on this for sexual content as well as the one for violence as there is certainly more of this than the other. A good read, handled well.
she was working a homicide and couldn't break way - away?
for dinner to celebrate. / said we'd celebrate on the weekend / with my team and celebrate / couldn't celebrate with me / attend functions, celebrate, or go / you need to celebrate - watch for the repetitious wording. These all come very close together at the beginning.
"Um, Yes, I need a drink." - yes.
Most of the guy's I meet only want a one night stand - guys is just a plural here so no apostrophe needed.
Please enjoy your first drink with my compliments - complements.
to know you have two wife's, - wives.
You also use 'intently' and 'staring' quite a bit. I would suggest trying some variants of these.
and began messaging my balls- massaging. (you use this twice in the same sentence).
but you thru all that away tonight- threw.
All the best
GMG
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Hi there,
Well, Dan got more than he bargained for as well as that big check. I think you might want to also put a warning on this for sexual content as well as the one for violence as there is certainly more of this than the other. A good read, handled well.
she was working a homicide and couldn't break way - away?
for dinner to celebrate. / said we'd celebrate on the weekend / with my team and celebrate / couldn't celebrate with me / attend functions, celebrate, or go / you need to celebrate - watch for the repetitious wording. These all come very close together at the beginning.
"Um, Yes, I need a drink." - yes.
Most of the guy's I meet only want a one night stand - guys is just a plural here so no apostrophe needed.
Please enjoy your first drink with my compliments - complements.
to know you have two wife's, - wives.
You also use 'intently' and 'staring' quite a bit. I would suggest trying some variants of these.
and began messaging my balls- massaging. (you use this twice in the same sentence).
but you thru all that away tonight- threw.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 16-May-2017
Comment from chcbeck
A gripping read from start to finish. You will the husband not to go there but he does. Great ending the police officer becoming the murderer. Great read thanks for sharing.
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A gripping read from start to finish. You will the husband not to go there but he does. Great ending the police officer becoming the murderer. Great read thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 16-May-2017
Comment from Ronni
Thesis,
I do not mean to offend you nor sound like a prude, but I really cannot
offer any positive comment on this story. The typical erotic descriptions
of tease, come on and peel and squeal sex for sex's sake; and the
not uncommon break ups and fatality involving adulterous spouse
being caught by their own in the act of cheating with someone else.
Of course your story here is relatable to many, because it is more
common than uncommon and goes on all the time...from high class
society kind to blue collar men, and bored housewives at home...
and no less so with even teen's and college trysts. You will likely
get many rave reviews, especially men probably.
I said before, I hope you can yet write more creatively and beyond this kind
of turn on story....and I am sincerely hoping you can.
Thanks for sharing...best wishes always....Ronni
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Thesis,
I do not mean to offend you nor sound like a prude, but I really cannot
offer any positive comment on this story. The typical erotic descriptions
of tease, come on and peel and squeal sex for sex's sake; and the
not uncommon break ups and fatality involving adulterous spouse
being caught by their own in the act of cheating with someone else.
Of course your story here is relatable to many, because it is more
common than uncommon and goes on all the time...from high class
society kind to blue collar men, and bored housewives at home...
and no less so with even teen's and college trysts. You will likely
get many rave reviews, especially men probably.
I said before, I hope you can yet write more creatively and beyond this kind
of turn on story....and I am sincerely hoping you can.
Thanks for sharing...best wishes always....Ronni
Comment Written 16-May-2017
Comment from c_lucas
Some times a guy can't win for losing. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Error
but you thru (threw) all that away tonight
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Some times a guy can't win for losing. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Error
but you thru (threw) all that away tonight
Comment Written 16-May-2017
Comment from Cmelton
Great ending. I love how she asks if the check had been deposited. It was as if she was hoping he would cheat on her. Also the fact she had gloves already on indicates she had premeditated murder on her mind. Great story and awesome ending.
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Great ending. I love how she asks if the check had been deposited. It was as if she was hoping he would cheat on her. Also the fact she had gloves already on indicates she had premeditated murder on her mind. Great story and awesome ending.
Comment Written 15-May-2017
