Briarly Hall
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Morning at the Highway Inn"Historical fiction
11 total reviews
Comment from Nikki-Nicole
This is an interesting read.
Nice format.
The artwork is good. The image shown goes well with the story.
Thanks for sharing.
Good luck with your future writing.
-Nicole-
--Spell check: 'unmistakeable'- is supposed to be 'unmistakable'- Just my opinion.
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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This is an interesting read.
Nice format.
The artwork is good. The image shown goes well with the story.
Thanks for sharing.
Good luck with your future writing.
-Nicole-
--Spell check: 'unmistakeable'- is supposed to be 'unmistakable'- Just my opinion.
Comment Written 10-May-2017
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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Thanks for reading and comments zanya
Comment from apky
'Harry, Harry,' Alfred shouted,' turn the Bays around, we must return home before dark as we are not now going to connect with the departure time of the London train'.
This comes rather suddenly with no anticipatory indications or any explanation that would justify why he's changed his mind all at once.
Such sudden "unexpected" turns shock the reader and take their interest off the story, even if they were getting into it. I can only hope the explanation will come in the next chapter.
Apky
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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'Harry, Harry,' Alfred shouted,' turn the Bays around, we must return home before dark as we are not now going to connect with the departure time of the London train'.
This comes rather suddenly with no anticipatory indications or any explanation that would justify why he's changed his mind all at once.
Such sudden "unexpected" turns shock the reader and take their interest off the story, even if they were getting into it. I can only hope the explanation will come in the next chapter.
Apky
Comment Written 09-May-2017
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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Thanks for taking time to read and useful comments zanya
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
You took me to another time and place, on a journey with your descriptive words and wonderful story and a joy to read, I love historical fiction, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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You took me to another time and place, on a journey with your descriptive words and wonderful story and a joy to read, I love historical fiction, love Dolly x
Comment Written 07-May-2017
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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Great - delighted with this review zanya
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
It may be a good idea to indicate that this is a continuing instalment of a previous piece, probably at the top. I remembered the last piece but not everyone will.
Nice bits of character development and backstory woven in.
Some things I noticed as I read. hope this is helpful-
'Sir' the innkeeper called out. ' Letter, for you, Sir, at the Inn this morn.'- should be a comma after Sir. Also delete the space after the opening speech marks before Letter.
'Ok, ok', Alfred barked - the comma should be inside the speech marks.
into Flannel Cakes and Sausage Meat. - I don't think you need the capitalisation here.
His attention, now drawn to the men - the comma here is unnecessary.
There is a bit of passivity about the write. I think it's the use of 'was'. If you write around these it can make things a bit more direct and immersive. For example -
'The sky overhead was a steel grey with a promise of further snow falls.' - could be -
The steely grey sky promised further snow fall.
'Perhaps it was no more than a trick of the fading, late evening light. I was probably mistaken,' Alfred mused - watch for those emotive and explanatory speech tags. they draw attention away from what is said to how it's said. It's better to let the words speak for themselves. here for example, we know he's musing by the use of the word 'perhaps'. In essence you're giving the same information twice.
What was he to make of this missive ?- delete the space before the ?
If everything was covered in snow, how could there be clumps of feathers on the cobblestones?
Youngest child Melissa, attended annual balls - unnecessary comma here.
You should look at your punctuation around dialogue to ensure consistency. Sometimes you punctuate inside the speech and sometimes not. Whichever way you decide is fine, but it should remain the same.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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Hi there,
It may be a good idea to indicate that this is a continuing instalment of a previous piece, probably at the top. I remembered the last piece but not everyone will.
Nice bits of character development and backstory woven in.
Some things I noticed as I read. hope this is helpful-
'Sir' the innkeeper called out. ' Letter, for you, Sir, at the Inn this morn.'- should be a comma after Sir. Also delete the space after the opening speech marks before Letter.
'Ok, ok', Alfred barked - the comma should be inside the speech marks.
into Flannel Cakes and Sausage Meat. - I don't think you need the capitalisation here.
His attention, now drawn to the men - the comma here is unnecessary.
There is a bit of passivity about the write. I think it's the use of 'was'. If you write around these it can make things a bit more direct and immersive. For example -
'The sky overhead was a steel grey with a promise of further snow falls.' - could be -
The steely grey sky promised further snow fall.
'Perhaps it was no more than a trick of the fading, late evening light. I was probably mistaken,' Alfred mused - watch for those emotive and explanatory speech tags. they draw attention away from what is said to how it's said. It's better to let the words speak for themselves. here for example, we know he's musing by the use of the word 'perhaps'. In essence you're giving the same information twice.
What was he to make of this missive ?- delete the space before the ?
If everything was covered in snow, how could there be clumps of feathers on the cobblestones?
Youngest child Melissa, attended annual balls - unnecessary comma here.
You should look at your punctuation around dialogue to ensure consistency. Sometimes you punctuate inside the speech and sometimes not. Whichever way you decide is fine, but it should remain the same.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 07-May-2017
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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I really appreciate your time and comment for this piece of writing zanya
Comment from alextheriot
Solid description, the passage has a nice, light feel to it. I found the family background tidbits slightly shoehorned, but that's not a big deal really.
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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Solid description, the passage has a nice, light feel to it. I found the family background tidbits slightly shoehorned, but that's not a big deal really.
Comment Written 06-May-2017
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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Great review -much appreciated zanya
Comment from lalajovanoski
I found this piece to be constructed very nicely with some deep meaning behind the lines. Well written and flowed very smooth. Thank you very much for sharing this as I truly enjoyed reading it..
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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I found this piece to be constructed very nicely with some deep meaning behind the lines. Well written and flowed very smooth. Thank you very much for sharing this as I truly enjoyed reading it..
Comment Written 06-May-2017
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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Thanks for taking time to read and critique zanya
Comment from RodG
I am thinking this is a chapter of a longer work, not a complete story.
GOOD: You PUT US THERE in what I presume is he Victorian Age. Easy to visualize the Inn and smell the food being prepared. Excellent attention to detail of clothing, rooms, the kitchen, and especially the horses. The two characters we do meet are nicely drawn through their actions and speech; the Marquise is also presented well through description and her missive
WEAK: so little really happens that one can call plot. The Squire eats breakfast, fails to see the woman he hoped to see, and doesn't take the train. Like I said, it seems part of something longer not yet posted.
reply by the author on 06-May-2017
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I am thinking this is a chapter of a longer work, not a complete story.
GOOD: You PUT US THERE in what I presume is he Victorian Age. Easy to visualize the Inn and smell the food being prepared. Excellent attention to detail of clothing, rooms, the kitchen, and especially the horses. The two characters we do meet are nicely drawn through their actions and speech; the Marquise is also presented well through description and her missive
WEAK: so little really happens that one can call plot. The Squire eats breakfast, fails to see the woman he hoped to see, and doesn't take the train. Like I said, it seems part of something longer not yet posted.
Comment Written 06-May-2017
reply by the author on 06-May-2017
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Really appreciate you taking time to read and comment in useful detail re this little snapshot - yes it's part of a longer story -wonderful to get a real response zanya
Comment from robyn corum
Zanya,
I am late come to this story, but found it to be intriguing and worth following. *smile* The writing was done well, for the most part, but I did have some troubles and questions...I've made notes below hoping they might help you see where this reader had issues...?
Notes:
1.) 'Sir, how ya like to drink your (break)fast tea,
--> if you are trying for a certain accent, be aware that this SOUNDS the same, whether written in shorthand or no, so it's not worth changing.
2.) with milk from the Jersey cow.?' Maid Dorothy enquired.
--> you have two instances of punctuation, but are only allowed one in each situation. The question mark is all that's needed.
3.) wish to contact me here at this remote inn,?'
--> ditto
4.) familiar seal of the Maison de Marquis de
--> before you've been spelling it with a 'e' on the end. ??
5.) He had two and and a half hours to make the London train.
--> delete the extra 'and', please
6.) 'James, James,' Alfred shouted,' turn the Bays around,
--> where did James come in? I thought Harry was the coachman...?
7.) At times like this James felt like a failure, as if
--> you've been telling the story from Alfred's POV. In that, you can only tell what Alfred sees, hears, thinks and feels. Alfred would have no way of knowing James' thoughts and feelings. This is called 'head-hopping', switching from one pov to another. Please resist. *smile* You CAN say 'Alfred felt sure James would feel he had failed his master, but it wasn't to be helped.' Or something along that line. Make sense?
8.) facing the Bays once again in the direction of home.
--> the last portion of this sentence is in a different font and size. Correct?
Thanks for the read. I hope this may help a little? Hope I do not offend - that's not my desire. Good luck!
reply by the author on 06-May-2017
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Zanya,
I am late come to this story, but found it to be intriguing and worth following. *smile* The writing was done well, for the most part, but I did have some troubles and questions...I've made notes below hoping they might help you see where this reader had issues...?
Notes:
1.) 'Sir, how ya like to drink your (break)fast tea,
--> if you are trying for a certain accent, be aware that this SOUNDS the same, whether written in shorthand or no, so it's not worth changing.
2.) with milk from the Jersey cow.?' Maid Dorothy enquired.
--> you have two instances of punctuation, but are only allowed one in each situation. The question mark is all that's needed.
3.) wish to contact me here at this remote inn,?'
--> ditto
4.) familiar seal of the Maison de Marquis de
--> before you've been spelling it with a 'e' on the end. ??
5.) He had two and and a half hours to make the London train.
--> delete the extra 'and', please
6.) 'James, James,' Alfred shouted,' turn the Bays around,
--> where did James come in? I thought Harry was the coachman...?
7.) At times like this James felt like a failure, as if
--> you've been telling the story from Alfred's POV. In that, you can only tell what Alfred sees, hears, thinks and feels. Alfred would have no way of knowing James' thoughts and feelings. This is called 'head-hopping', switching from one pov to another. Please resist. *smile* You CAN say 'Alfred felt sure James would feel he had failed his master, but it wasn't to be helped.' Or something along that line. Make sense?
8.) facing the Bays once again in the direction of home.
--> the last portion of this sentence is in a different font and size. Correct?
Thanks for the read. I hope this may help a little? Hope I do not offend - that's not my desire. Good luck!
Comment Written 06-May-2017
reply by the author on 06-May-2017
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HI ROBYN,
Thanks for your time and energy reading this and those very useful guidelines- Yes Harry and James have now got sorted !!!
-Le Marquis/La Marquise
- re POV - What about the omniscient author ?
Much appreciated zanya
Comment from Luvs2rite4u
As the reader, you grabbed the reader into the shivering snow, with the use of such grand excellence. You showed the reader so much information and emotions. I felt, smelled, and drew each breath as if I were sitting in a chair watching this story unfold. Again, I loved your story. Great Job Luvs
reply by the author on 06-May-2017
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As the reader, you grabbed the reader into the shivering snow, with the use of such grand excellence. You showed the reader so much information and emotions. I felt, smelled, and drew each breath as if I were sitting in a chair watching this story unfold. Again, I loved your story. Great Job Luvs
Comment Written 06-May-2017
reply by the author on 06-May-2017
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Wow - what encouraging words and commentary for this little snapshot - i really appreciate it & 6 twinkling stars !!!
Definitely have to keep going with this one !!zanya
Comment from Mustang Patty
So the Marquise had reached out to him, but she really gave him no reason. The story continues to intrigue;
There is a great deal of confusion in your punctuation; I will give you a few examples:
'Fiddlesticks, who could possibly wish to contact me here at this remote inn,?''
(you only need to use ONE punctuation mark at the end of any sentence - including a quotation. In this case, it would be the question mark.)
'James, James,' Alfred shouted,' turn the Bays around, we must return home before dark as we are not now going to connect with the departure time of the London train'.
(there shouldn't be spaces between the single quotes and the dialogue. The punctuation goes inside the quotation marks, '...London train.')
thank you for sharing this latest chapter,
~patty~
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-May-2017
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So the Marquise had reached out to him, but she really gave him no reason. The story continues to intrigue;
There is a great deal of confusion in your punctuation; I will give you a few examples:
'Fiddlesticks, who could possibly wish to contact me here at this remote inn,?''
(you only need to use ONE punctuation mark at the end of any sentence - including a quotation. In this case, it would be the question mark.)
'James, James,' Alfred shouted,' turn the Bays around, we must return home before dark as we are not now going to connect with the departure time of the London train'.
(there shouldn't be spaces between the single quotes and the dialogue. The punctuation goes inside the quotation marks, '...London train.')
thank you for sharing this latest chapter,
~patty~
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-May-2017
reply by the author on 06-May-2017
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And thank you for those very useful comments and suggestions - very much appreciated zanya
