Father-In-Law
Dennis is trusted to take $25,000 to the bank but loses it.28 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
PBO,
An interesting story that would be a bit better crafted if you could stick with one form of tense. You still are switching from past tense to present tense in your story. There are also a couple of occasions where you left off the ('s) to show possession for some people's names. Thanks for sharing and good luck!
reply by the author on 06-May-2017
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PBO,
An interesting story that would be a bit better crafted if you could stick with one form of tense. You still are switching from past tense to present tense in your story. There are also a couple of occasions where you left off the ('s) to show possession for some people's names. Thanks for sharing and good luck!
Comment Written 06-May-2017
reply by the author on 06-May-2017
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I love you. Your skillful view helped me greatly on that last story. I just returned from an errand. I hate not working on improving at this late starting huge spirit for story crafting. I hope my improvement show on my next story. This story is pre-robyn corum assessment. By the way, what does PBO, mean?
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hahaha! You funny thing. *smile* And, silly, PBO is the beginning of your name. haha!
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Oh! My mistake, Robyn, if I can say that.
Comment from apky
I'll make suggestions as I read onb, pbomar115.
Too frighten[ed] to enter, Dennis stood at the door on the front porch.
OK, I've read a bit farther down and have a feeling you probably write your stuff as you do and want it to deliberately remain so. No grammar corrections or pointing out the POV inconsistencies, etc.
If this is so, let me know so that the next time I read your work, I concentrate on other factors of the story than the ones I've been correcting since "Revival".
Have a grand weekend,
Apky
"(delete space) It would bother me not to have financial security before marriage."
and dropping two hundred feet (with him in the) car.
~ while in his car.
~ in his car.
just to humiliate and to terrify him(+ .)
This new version of your story is excellent. I'd have given you a six but I'm not allowed to give you another six yet.
Keep it up, my friend.
Apky
reply by the author on 06-May-2017
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I'll make suggestions as I read onb, pbomar115.
Too frighten[ed] to enter, Dennis stood at the door on the front porch.
OK, I've read a bit farther down and have a feeling you probably write your stuff as you do and want it to deliberately remain so. No grammar corrections or pointing out the POV inconsistencies, etc.
If this is so, let me know so that the next time I read your work, I concentrate on other factors of the story than the ones I've been correcting since "Revival".
Have a grand weekend,
Apky
"(delete space) It would bother me not to have financial security before marriage."
and dropping two hundred feet (with him in the) car.
~ while in his car.
~ in his car.
just to humiliate and to terrify him(+ .)
This new version of your story is excellent. I'd have given you a six but I'm not allowed to give you another six yet.
Keep it up, my friend.
Apky
Comment Written 06-May-2017
reply by the author on 06-May-2017
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I have been somewhat disorganized in my approach with my weakness. I think I can show improvement on my present creative effort. Getting a grip on how to continue and work on my grammar weaknesses is more understandable right now. So, I hope to show at least some improvement as I attempt present-tense story crafting. This Story is post-light-bulb click on.
Comment from Nikki-Nicole
Very interesting read.
You've written a great story.
The dialogue is good.
This reminds me of the people that call claiming that I've won a lottery or have been chosen to receive a free grant that never has to be paid back. I always listen to them patiently until- they say I'll need to put $750 on a Green Dot Money Card or give them my checking account number say they can draft the deposit fee or one-time security fee from my bank account. It is then when I hang up. I can NOT deal with cons. Some people actually live for it- it's how they make their living.
--He should have held on to that money like he would a newborn baby. Just the thought of losing $25,000 makes my skin crawl.
Thanks for sharing.
Good luck with your future writing.
-Nicole-
reply by the author on 04-May-2017
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Very interesting read.
You've written a great story.
The dialogue is good.
This reminds me of the people that call claiming that I've won a lottery or have been chosen to receive a free grant that never has to be paid back. I always listen to them patiently until- they say I'll need to put $750 on a Green Dot Money Card or give them my checking account number say they can draft the deposit fee or one-time security fee from my bank account. It is then when I hang up. I can NOT deal with cons. Some people actually live for it- it's how they make their living.
--He should have held on to that money like he would a newborn baby. Just the thought of losing $25,000 makes my skin crawl.
Thanks for sharing.
Good luck with your future writing.
-Nicole-
Comment Written 04-May-2017
reply by the author on 04-May-2017
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When I was younger, Nikki-Nicole, I was had when it hurt. I think sometimes things happen.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
he got the most expensive education in the world. A similar thing happened to me. I lost thousands. Fortunately, a Kenyan Prince has decided to share his fortune with me. I just have to send him $10,00.00 to pay his fees.
reply by the author on 04-May-2017
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he got the most expensive education in the world. A similar thing happened to me. I lost thousands. Fortunately, a Kenyan Prince has decided to share his fortune with me. I just have to send him $10,00.00 to pay his fees.
Comment Written 04-May-2017
reply by the author on 04-May-2017
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I think we all been had where it hurts.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This short story on learning the reality of living in economic relation is a nice lesson as Dennis met with a live experience losing a huge amount of money at bank; I liked.
reply by the author on 03-May-2017
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This short story on learning the reality of living in economic relation is a nice lesson as Dennis met with a live experience losing a huge amount of money at bank; I liked.
Comment Written 03-May-2017
reply by the author on 03-May-2017
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Thanks. For men, it's hard to know what is important to women sometimes.
Comment from kahpot
What a great read and story you have penned here( if I may,) only time I got thrown was the 5th paragraph, ( recognizing the father-in-law car parked in the driveway) maybe Father-in-law's car. just a thought very well done****kahpot
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2017
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What a great read and story you have penned here( if I may,) only time I got thrown was the 5th paragraph, ( recognizing the father-in-law car parked in the driveway) maybe Father-in-law's car. just a thought very well done****kahpot
Comment Written 28-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2017
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Thanks a lot. This light bulb didn't turn on until late for me for this writing thing. I appreciate the help I'm receiving. The Excellent you gave is very encouraging.
Comment from wondertwin
Father-in-Law was a lively, spirited read! I enjoyed it and felt the the ache of the irrecoverable fail! Well chosen words to evoke the feelings and nature of the downward spiral! Well done! Blessings, AmyJo
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reply by the author on 28-Apr-2017
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Father-in-Law was a lively, spirited read! I enjoyed it and felt the the ache of the irrecoverable fail! Well chosen words to evoke the feelings and nature of the downward spiral! Well done! Blessings, AmyJo
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2017
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Thanks a lot. Lively and spirited. WoW!! I love that. Also, I'm sure I have many mistakse. I have poor word construction, grammar, and etc. But hopefully, I'll get the hang of putting words in the right tense and so on. Thank a bunch.
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you really don't, by the way... and besides, the things you speak of can be edited. The creative style you have can't be taught -FYI :) :)
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Thanks so much.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi; your story is so compelling, but it is stuck within poorly structured writing. Forgive me for asking, but is American English your first language? Most of the errors I found were SPAG or syntax errors, and that is usually a problem with people coming from another culture.
These are some of the errors I found. The words or punctuation within the parenthesis need to be edited.
'But Dennis remained quite(quiet),'
'Recognizing the (his) father-in-law(+'s) car parked...'
'...is impossible to win his father-in-law(+s) approval.'
'using her pet name, "Sweetie(+,)" dishonest people...'
Keep writing! It is just like any other muscle - you need to flex it to develop it,
~patty~
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2017
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Hi; your story is so compelling, but it is stuck within poorly structured writing. Forgive me for asking, but is American English your first language? Most of the errors I found were SPAG or syntax errors, and that is usually a problem with people coming from another culture.
These are some of the errors I found. The words or punctuation within the parenthesis need to be edited.
'But Dennis remained quite(quiet),'
'Recognizing the (his) father-in-law(+'s) car parked...'
'...is impossible to win his father-in-law(+s) approval.'
'using her pet name, "Sweetie(+,)" dishonest people...'
Keep writing! It is just like any other muscle - you need to flex it to develop it,
~patty~
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2017
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I started late at this writing business. I did not get it in school. Education was not strike for me. It appears, I was given a pass all through school. I did not realize how dumb I was until it was too late. But, I will have at it anyway. That's just the way it was. So, bring it. I appreciate knowing what you feel and think. No problem. . . really.
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Please do not be offended. I do not think you are dumb. My brother was dyslexic and graduated high school and could barely read or write. I worked with him and he can compose letters - if you need help, you need only ask,
~patty~
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No, no, no,no, no, no, I'm not at all offended. I'm appreciative. Only I know my journey. If you only knew how far I've come, you would let it rip and see that you are doing a good thing.You are my best friend yet, Patty. P.S I will make all the correction that is coming right, later.
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I am honored. For you to take the time to read my stories. I wrote this one today. Well, really, maybe a couple a years ago I started something but did not understand the short story. I pull it out from many attempted stories. But, I still struggle with many things but I enjoy this journey I'm on. Thanks for the encouragement. My plan is the continue at this.
