Father-In-Law
Dennis is trusted to take $25,000 to the bank but loses it.28 total reviews
Comment from Sandollar
was an opportunity of a life. ( of a lifetime)
Determine to join the business world...(determined past tense)
I liked the story line but I think you can develop it more. Is Patricia really not disturbed by the loss of 25K? What happens when The father-in-law finds out?
It was good, I just want a little more.
Sandollar
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2017
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was an opportunity of a life. ( of a lifetime)
Determine to join the business world...(determined past tense)
I liked the story line but I think you can develop it more. Is Patricia really not disturbed by the loss of 25K? What happens when The father-in-law finds out?
It was good, I just want a little more.
Sandollar
Comment Written 17-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2017
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Thanks for reading, Sandollar
Comment from Bill Schott
I do not know exactly how to process this story. It delivers the situation in a blast at the beginning and then, after revealing the problem and involving all the players, leaves us with this unresolved moment when we have to decide what we have learned here. The father-in-law has given them $25000, but is seen as a jerk. The husband is a dope and falls for a scam that leaves him looking like the dope his father-in-law thinks he is. The wife seems to take it all in stride and talks to the husband as one would to a child who's made a trifling mistake. Love conquers all?
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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I do not know exactly how to process this story. It delivers the situation in a blast at the beginning and then, after revealing the problem and involving all the players, leaves us with this unresolved moment when we have to decide what we have learned here. The father-in-law has given them $25000, but is seen as a jerk. The husband is a dope and falls for a scam that leaves him looking like the dope his father-in-law thinks he is. The wife seems to take it all in stride and talks to the husband as one would to a child who's made a trifling mistake. Love conquers all?
Comment Written 16-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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Thanks for reading, Bill Schott.
Phillip
Comment from bhogg
I like the premise of your story, but it is confusing with the number of tense changes throughout. Keep working on it. The good news is that you know hos to tell a story any many of the people on FS cannot
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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I like the premise of your story, but it is confusing with the number of tense changes throughout. Keep working on it. The good news is that you know hos to tell a story any many of the people on FS cannot
Comment Written 16-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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Thanks. I better go back and check them. I wrote in present tense, first then change to past tense. I wished you had pointed them out to me but I will go back and check.
Phillip
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I have no sympathy for Dennis since he's an idiot. You can't teach idiocy out of people. They have to learn the hard way, but I wonder if even THAT was enough. LOL! :)
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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I have no sympathy for Dennis since he's an idiot. You can't teach idiocy out of people. They have to learn the hard way, but I wonder if even THAT was enough. LOL! :)
Comment Written 16-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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Thanks for reading, Phyllis
Phillip
Comment from royowen
What a marvellous wife Dennis has, is the highlight of the story.is the crux of the plot, most imaginative and creative little story, I think everyone waits for the "generous handout" I've had emails offering me millions of dollars from an unknown distant relative, fortunately, as yet, I haven't quite believed it, maybe one day...? Of course the alternative ending could be the stranger turns up the next day with $50,000, but then if one is stupid enough to hand over $25,000 to a total stranger? there's "one born every minute" in the words of PT Barnum. Well done, enjoyable story, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2017
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What a marvellous wife Dennis has, is the highlight of the story.is the crux of the plot, most imaginative and creative little story, I think everyone waits for the "generous handout" I've had emails offering me millions of dollars from an unknown distant relative, fortunately, as yet, I haven't quite believed it, maybe one day...? Of course the alternative ending could be the stranger turns up the next day with $50,000, but then if one is stupid enough to hand over $25,000 to a total stranger? there's "one born every minute" in the words of PT Barnum. Well done, enjoyable story, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 10-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2017
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Thanks for reading, Royowen
Phillip
Comment from smerryman3
I like the premise of your story and the ending is perfect! A few weak areas I saw was a variety of verb tenses used incorrectly. Sometimes you use past tense and other times present and future tense. Like when you say " As highschool sweetheart Patricia will quiz Dennis." I think you meant "quizzed Dennis" since they are no longer in highschool and that scene is in the past. A few parts were also a little confusing like "Eight years of casting aside his dream, the brawny father in law..." There is no connection between the two phrases, so I think you are missing whatever words came between them. Overall, entertaining story!
reply by the author on 27-May-2017
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I like the premise of your story and the ending is perfect! A few weak areas I saw was a variety of verb tenses used incorrectly. Sometimes you use past tense and other times present and future tense. Like when you say " As highschool sweetheart Patricia will quiz Dennis." I think you meant "quizzed Dennis" since they are no longer in highschool and that scene is in the past. A few parts were also a little confusing like "Eight years of casting aside his dream, the brawny father in law..." There is no connection between the two phrases, so I think you are missing whatever words came between them. Overall, entertaining story!
Comment Written 27-May-2017
reply by the author on 27-May-2017
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I am grateful for the correction needed. I attempted to mix that past tense while writing present tense. I read your suggestion a while back. I know you are correct. I'm just having a devil of a time with the writing but I happy with the help. Thanks. I will make the corrections.
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Believe me, I know how you feel. Alot of times I know there is something off about my current project but I just can't figure out what it is. We are all a work in progress but I think you are off to a great start!
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No.You are right about the writing errors. I think you were attempting to help correct the mechanics. I had to rewrite a lot. It was a mess with commons everywhere, bad sentence structure, and other stuff. Your heart is in the right place. I made a lot of correction since we communicated. Thanks a lot.
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No.You are right about the writing errors. I think you were attempting to help correct the mechanics. I had to rewrite a lot. It was a mess with commons everywhere, bad sentence structure, and other stuff. Your heart is in the right place. I made a lot of correction since we communicated. Thanks a lot.
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No.You are right about the writing errors. I think you were attempting to help correct the mechanics. I had to rewrite a lot. It was a mess with commons everywhere, bad sentence structure, and other stuff. Your heart is in the right place. I made a lot of correction since we communicated. Thanks a lot.
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No.You are right about the writing errors. I think you were attempting to help correct the mechanics. I had to rewrite a lot. It was a mess with commons everywhere, bad sentence structure, and other stuff. Your heart is in the right place. I made a lot of correction since we communicated. Thanks a lot.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This is a lovely story, my friend, I think it could do well. I had a look at your other reviews and see you have been given some good advice on editing. That's what I like about FanStory, there are a lot of nice, helpful people here, and they always find my mistakes. LOL. I think Patricia is a lovely lady and Dennis was very lucky to find her. The father-in-law, well, we all have those!!! Well done, my friend. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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This is a lovely story, my friend, I think it could do well. I had a look at your other reviews and see you have been given some good advice on editing. That's what I like about FanStory, there are a lot of nice, helpful people here, and they always find my mistakes. LOL. I think Patricia is a lovely lady and Dennis was very lucky to find her. The father-in-law, well, we all have those!!! Well done, my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 26-May-2017
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Thanks, Sandra. Many of the reviews came from the wrong copy posted for the readers. I did not realize the error until someone transcribed what needed correcting. Well, I was wounded from the error but bounce back. I reregistered the right copy and hope for the best. Mistakes happen.
Comment from LIJ Red
More polish is needed, but as you write, you will get the hang of it. I never reread an old work of my own without finding improvements to make. Stay with it.
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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More polish is needed, but as you write, you will get the hang of it. I never reread an old work of my own without finding improvements to make. Stay with it.
Comment Written 24-May-2017
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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I don't know how those errors got there. I know better. I will check it out.
Comment from hvysmker
Too afraid to enter, Dennis stands at the door on the front porch. Patricia is given $25,000 as a birthday gift from her wealthy father. She trusts Dennis to take the money to the bank, but he loses it.
*** First off, you should make two paragraphs out of this one. Dennis at the door and Patricia being given money are two different subjects. Each should have their own paragraph. Second, "stands at the door", and "stands on the front porch" are the same action. Drop one of them or combine them, such as in "Dennis stands on the front porch, afraid to knock on the door." Third, it is a "weak" paragraph and would be better with a stronger beginning, an action such as standing at the door. Fourth, you already gave away the plot in telling the reader that he lost it.
As an unemployed electrician with Patricia's shallow problem-solving skills, he thinks investing the money is an opportunity of a life. Attending business school is all he thinks about every day since finding out about Patricia's pregnancy, forcing him into making the hard decision to marry, ruining his dream.
As high school sweethearts, Patricia will quiz Dennis on marriage, during their quiet times in bed. Dennis will say, "Not having financial security before marriage bothers me."
She will smile, responding, " Oh, Sweetie," launching into an embrace, overlooking what he confides. But Dennis remains quiet, even though her reaction troubles him. As a result, he turns a blind eye to her reactions, thinking all she wants is coddling.
Recognizes the father-in-law's car in the driveway, Dennis considers getting back into his car and driving to that expressway two miles from the house, dropping to his death, a hundred feet, with him in the car. After listening to his two daughters play with their grandfather beyond the front door, he withers.
Dennis suppresses his thoughts and feeling around his wife and three kids when his father-in-law is around. Dennis believes it is impossible to win his father-in-law's approval. Eight years of casting aside his dream, the brawny father-in-law purposely comes around to humiliate and terrify him.
*** Hey! Slow the hell down! Way too fast, way, way, way, way too damned fast. Each bit of that explanation since the first paragraph should be expanded. All of it.
Let me try, though it won't be the way you'll do it, just off the top of my head without knowing what you intend. An example, okay?
-------------------
Dennis stands on the front porch, afraid to knock on the door. He knows he has to, though sweat oozes from armpits and brow. He raises a shaky arm toward the door, only to swing it back to wipe his brow on the sleeve. Dennis knows he'll catch hell, lose his girl, and maybe go to jail to boot. But there are some things a man has to do. Really has to do. How can he tell her he lost the $25,000 her father gave her? She'll disown him.
It all started at the bank, where he waited in line to deposit the money. Ahead of him, he heard a man talking about doubling his own money the month before and that he wished he could keep on doing the same, month after month.
"Man, like it was simple. Wonder why I never thought of it, myself," the man is telling an old lady in front to him, her looking around as though thinking, how do I get away from this kook.
Inadvertently Dennis divulges, "I wish for that."
The snappily-dressed stranger turns to smile. "It's really simple but that guy," he indicates a well-dressed gent standing in the waiting area. "He's a millionaire with an illness, giving away his fortune before he dies. If you meet his requirements, he'll make you rich, but he refuses to help the same person twice." He pulled out an envelope and showed Dennis he contents, crisp new bills. "I had my chance and am now $500 richer."
"You thi ... think he might help me?"
The stranger shrugs, moving forward one space in the line. "You can only ask. His name is Fred."
As Dennis steps out of place, he hears, "Good luck, friend."
Approaching the other man, Dennis hesitates for a moment, only to be egged on by the guy looking right at him. Why the hell not, Dennis thinks, even if it makes him look like a fool.
"Uh ... hi. You Fred?"
"Can I help you, sir?"
"I ... I ... well, I was talking to this one guy," he points to his informant. "He says you, like, maybe help guys like me."
"Could be. I heard you can't buy your way into heaven, but you can't take it with you, either. How can I help you?"
See what I mean, Jeff? You have information but it's disjointed as is. Taking time to organize and paint a picture helps enormously.
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The well-dressed gentleman approves of Dennis's reason for wanting to double his money.
*** Here is another place that needs expansion. Try it with realistic dialogue, much more interesting than it is now. Right now it reads like a template.
"The bank is under notice from my wife. I have to show I'm putting money in my deposit box when I am really taking money out." He continues. "The bank employees believes that I am under stress.
*** Grammar alert. Try, "......money out." He continues after, "The bank....." Without an action, the speech tag is unnecessary.
Clearing his windpipe, stumbling to get a word out, Dennis laments, "Well. --"
*** "Well...." Interruption or pause. The "--" is for an abrupt cutoff.
A good story except I'd expect her to be more vocal after his admission. Maybe stomp his face in. Let me think ..., .... How about shocking him with, "I have some information for you, too. The bank called me yesterday. They sent a man over with marked bills and were planning on either you or two others to fall victim to that team of swindlers. Our money is already safe in the bank, along with $100 reward for helping them.
Keep on truckin'
Charlie
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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Too afraid to enter, Dennis stands at the door on the front porch. Patricia is given $25,000 as a birthday gift from her wealthy father. She trusts Dennis to take the money to the bank, but he loses it.
*** First off, you should make two paragraphs out of this one. Dennis at the door and Patricia being given money are two different subjects. Each should have their own paragraph. Second, "stands at the door", and "stands on the front porch" are the same action. Drop one of them or combine them, such as in "Dennis stands on the front porch, afraid to knock on the door." Third, it is a "weak" paragraph and would be better with a stronger beginning, an action such as standing at the door. Fourth, you already gave away the plot in telling the reader that he lost it.
As an unemployed electrician with Patricia's shallow problem-solving skills, he thinks investing the money is an opportunity of a life. Attending business school is all he thinks about every day since finding out about Patricia's pregnancy, forcing him into making the hard decision to marry, ruining his dream.
As high school sweethearts, Patricia will quiz Dennis on marriage, during their quiet times in bed. Dennis will say, "Not having financial security before marriage bothers me."
She will smile, responding, " Oh, Sweetie," launching into an embrace, overlooking what he confides. But Dennis remains quiet, even though her reaction troubles him. As a result, he turns a blind eye to her reactions, thinking all she wants is coddling.
Recognizes the father-in-law's car in the driveway, Dennis considers getting back into his car and driving to that expressway two miles from the house, dropping to his death, a hundred feet, with him in the car. After listening to his two daughters play with their grandfather beyond the front door, he withers.
Dennis suppresses his thoughts and feeling around his wife and three kids when his father-in-law is around. Dennis believes it is impossible to win his father-in-law's approval. Eight years of casting aside his dream, the brawny father-in-law purposely comes around to humiliate and terrify him.
*** Hey! Slow the hell down! Way too fast, way, way, way, way too damned fast. Each bit of that explanation since the first paragraph should be expanded. All of it.
Let me try, though it won't be the way you'll do it, just off the top of my head without knowing what you intend. An example, okay?
-------------------
Dennis stands on the front porch, afraid to knock on the door. He knows he has to, though sweat oozes from armpits and brow. He raises a shaky arm toward the door, only to swing it back to wipe his brow on the sleeve. Dennis knows he'll catch hell, lose his girl, and maybe go to jail to boot. But there are some things a man has to do. Really has to do. How can he tell her he lost the $25,000 her father gave her? She'll disown him.
It all started at the bank, where he waited in line to deposit the money. Ahead of him, he heard a man talking about doubling his own money the month before and that he wished he could keep on doing the same, month after month.
"Man, like it was simple. Wonder why I never thought of it, myself," the man is telling an old lady in front to him, her looking around as though thinking, how do I get away from this kook.
Inadvertently Dennis divulges, "I wish for that."
The snappily-dressed stranger turns to smile. "It's really simple but that guy," he indicates a well-dressed gent standing in the waiting area. "He's a millionaire with an illness, giving away his fortune before he dies. If you meet his requirements, he'll make you rich, but he refuses to help the same person twice." He pulled out an envelope and showed Dennis he contents, crisp new bills. "I had my chance and am now $500 richer."
"You thi ... think he might help me?"
The stranger shrugs, moving forward one space in the line. "You can only ask. His name is Fred."
As Dennis steps out of place, he hears, "Good luck, friend."
Approaching the other man, Dennis hesitates for a moment, only to be egged on by the guy looking right at him. Why the hell not, Dennis thinks, even if it makes him look like a fool.
"Uh ... hi. You Fred?"
"Can I help you, sir?"
"I ... I ... well, I was talking to this one guy," he points to his informant. "He says you, like, maybe help guys like me."
"Could be. I heard you can't buy your way into heaven, but you can't take it with you, either. How can I help you?"
See what I mean, Jeff? You have information but it's disjointed as is. Taking time to organize and paint a picture helps enormously.
--------------------------
The well-dressed gentleman approves of Dennis's reason for wanting to double his money.
*** Here is another place that needs expansion. Try it with realistic dialogue, much more interesting than it is now. Right now it reads like a template.
"The bank is under notice from my wife. I have to show I'm putting money in my deposit box when I am really taking money out." He continues. "The bank employees believes that I am under stress.
*** Grammar alert. Try, "......money out." He continues after
Clearing his windpipe, stumbling to get a word out, Dennis laments, "Well. --"
*** "Well...." Interruption or pause. The "--" is for an abrupt cutoff.
A good story except I'd expect her to be more vocal after his admission. Maybe stomp his face in. Let me think ..., .... How about shocking him with, "I have some information for you, too. The bank called me yesterday. They sent a man over with marked bills and were planning on either you or two others to fall victim to that team of swindlers. Our money is already safe in the bank, along with $100 reward for helping them.
Keep on truckin'
Charlie
Comment Written 24-May-2017
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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Thanks, Charlie. I am impressed you took the time to do all this. You show a real love for helping, I see. I'm trying. You are the best.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written story. The world today us full of crooks waiting for someone vulnerable like Dennis to steal from them and ruin inncocent people's lives for their own greed.
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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A very well-written story. The world today us full of crooks waiting for someone vulnerable like Dennis to steal from them and ruin inncocent people's lives for their own greed.
Comment Written 24-May-2017
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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Thanks for reading, Sandra. Yes, we live and learn but it helps to have a mate who cares for family and love instead of money.
