Unleashed Chaos
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "The Angel of Healing/Part Two"A Novel of the Breedline Series
9 total reviews
Comment from rwilliam
Just a nit pick-It was if she had lost twenty pounds, except for her belly.-You need the word 'as' after.." It was 'as' if she had lost...
you did a great job of writing the dialogues with each character. I enjoyed it. I think I need to go back and read the previous chapter. I noticed the she had an Angel visit and she was to be happy so I hope that happens for Eve.
Great job girl. !
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2017
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Just a nit pick-It was if she had lost twenty pounds, except for her belly.-You need the word 'as' after.." It was 'as' if she had lost...
you did a great job of writing the dialogues with each character. I enjoyed it. I think I need to go back and read the previous chapter. I noticed the she had an Angel visit and she was to be happy so I hope that happens for Eve.
Great job girl. !
Comment Written 28-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2017
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Thank you, girl! :)
This is awesome! Thanks for pointing the 'as' word out. I will definitely fix that. I think I left that out because I get picked on for using the word as so much. But I will take your advice. I'm glad you liked Raphael, the Angel. I know he looks kind of dark, but there is a reason why he looks the way he does. He is good and will play a important part in this book and the 4th book to come. Plus, Angels can have an edgy look if they want. They can look anyway they chose because they are Angels. :)
I really want to turn Eve's character around. She's done a lot of bad things, and I think God forgives anyone that opens their heart and asks for it. Being a mother has given her something to look forward to.
Thanks for taking the time to read my chapter.
Shana :)
Comment from CEO2020
Hi. This was a long read but very entertaining. The writing is very strong with excellent imagery. I'm impressed with your development as a writer. Your storytelling was already among the elite and now your writing has matched!
Keep up the level you're on. I have finally completed my revisions and will send my mamuscript to a few agents and publishing houses to test the waters.
May God continue to bless you, my friend!
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2017
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Hi. This was a long read but very entertaining. The writing is very strong with excellent imagery. I'm impressed with your development as a writer. Your storytelling was already among the elite and now your writing has matched!
Keep up the level you're on. I have finally completed my revisions and will send my mamuscript to a few agents and publishing houses to test the waters.
May God continue to bless you, my friend!
Comment Written 28-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2017
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Thank you so much! :)
Your feedback really inspires me. I will be rooting for you and lots of good luck my friend. I have no doubt you will go far as a successful author. Your story really captivated me, and your courage gives me the inspiration to search for an agent, too. Keep me updated on your progress.
My problem is... trusting people with all the hard work I've put into this story. One thing that gives me confidence is FanStory. At least I have documents of my writing here.
Good luck & best wishes to you, too.
Shana :)
Comment from ngage
Shana, this is a superb chapter! The picture goes great with the story line. I was captivated from the beginning to the end. The Scottish character was a hit! You did a great job bringing his character to life, especially adding the accent of his voice. Now that Eve is going to have Sebastian's twin sons, and she has a change of heart, I wonder if their bond will drift. I'm looking forward to the next chapter! Fantastic chapter! You seem to always captivate me and hook me into your story.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2017
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Shana, this is a superb chapter! The picture goes great with the story line. I was captivated from the beginning to the end. The Scottish character was a hit! You did a great job bringing his character to life, especially adding the accent of his voice. Now that Eve is going to have Sebastian's twin sons, and she has a change of heart, I wonder if their bond will drift. I'm looking forward to the next chapter! Fantastic chapter! You seem to always captivate me and hook me into your story.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2017
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Thank you, ngage! :)
I'm glad you like the chapter, and its good to hear you enjoyed my character, Bruce. I think its fun to add different cultures in the story. Your kind words always keeps me positive. Stay tuned, more adventures with the Breedline are coming soon.
Shana :)
Comment from apky
>>It was if she had lost twenty pounds, except for her belly. << I think the word "as" is missing in this sentence.
All in all, a great read.
The dialogue is wonderful and I love Bruce's
Scottish accent - it adds much, including humour,
that helps to make the story enjoyable.
Best,
Apky
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2017
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>>It was if she had lost twenty pounds, except for her belly. << I think the word "as" is missing in this sentence.
All in all, a great read.
The dialogue is wonderful and I love Bruce's
Scottish accent - it adds much, including humour,
that helps to make the story enjoyable.
Best,
Apky
Comment Written 27-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2017
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Thank you, Apky :)
I appreciate the kind words & great review. I try keep the words 'as' and 'that' out when I can. Sometimes its hard to do, but I've been picked on quite a bit for using them, so? But thanks for doing the opposite. Usually readers hang me over adding the word 'as' too much. :)
Thanks again,
Shana :)
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
A very informative chapter, Shana.
And great description of Eve's reaction. Wow! Two boys.
I found one at a time plenty.
So well written - I hope someone has a six that it merits...
sorry, I'm all out already - Tom should allow us more.
Margaret
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017
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A very informative chapter, Shana.
And great description of Eve's reaction. Wow! Two boys.
I found one at a time plenty.
So well written - I hope someone has a six that it merits...
sorry, I'm all out already - Tom should allow us more.
Margaret
Comment Written 25-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017
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Thank you, Margaret :)
So happy you liked this chapter, too. I love taking Eve's character and changing her ways of thinking. In a way, she reminds me of how everyone of us wants to right our wrongs. I wanted to bring her character from dark into the light. Thank you so much for the inspiring feedback. It definitely brightened my day.
Shana :)
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Lots of information in this chapter, and in the author's notes. It can be a bit overwhelming to try to follow all your characters, but after reading several, it all starts to make sense.
As I've said before, you have put a lot of time into building your species and making rules for them. This is very hard to do. You have a complex system and I'm glad I've taken the time to look into it.
Great job,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017
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Lots of information in this chapter, and in the author's notes. It can be a bit overwhelming to try to follow all your characters, but after reading several, it all starts to make sense.
As I've said before, you have put a lot of time into building your species and making rules for them. This is very hard to do. You have a complex system and I'm glad I've taken the time to look into it.
Great job,
Rhonda
Comment Written 24-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017
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Thank you, Rhonda :)
Yes, you are right. I do have a lot of characters and many different things going on in the Breedline world. :) It's nice to hear new readers can drop in later in the story and still enjoy. That speaks volumes to me. I appreciate the excellent review.
Shana :)
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I've read a lot of your chapters, so I didn't just drop in, however, I was just commenting on the complexity, but reading back over my comments, it didn't come off the way I wanted. I meant you have a lot of detail, and would be hard if not for your explanation at the bottom. Don't know if that makes sense, but it was meant to be positive because I like the book.
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Thank you Rhonda for taking the time to read some of my chapters. I think it's great you've read some of my chapters & I sure appreciate the positive feedback. Don't worry... I thought your review was very encouraging. I'm always grateful for anyone who gives me kind words. You definitely did, and I'm glad you enjoy the story.
Shana :)
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I really do like it, and to put as much energy as you have into it is incredible!
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Thank you so much :)
Comment from bhogg
It's always difficult to drop into a book where I've never read other chapters, so all I can do is comment on what I read. Your post is done very well, no spag that I saw. The pace was excellent with a wonderful balance between dialog and narrative. To me, very professional in story and presentation. Bill
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017
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It's always difficult to drop into a book where I've never read other chapters, so all I can do is comment on what I read. Your post is done very well, no spag that I saw. The pace was excellent with a wonderful balance between dialog and narrative. To me, very professional in story and presentation. Bill
Comment Written 24-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017
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Thank you, Bill :)
I appreciate you taking the time to read my chapter. Your review is very kind and positive. My whole reason for writing is to entertain readers, and hopefully they will come back for more. My characters are fun to write, and I enjoy creating new adventures for them. Thanks for taking the time to stop in.
Shana :)
Comment from royowen
I think you've done a great job in weaving a human response system into Eve. One of the things I remember being a new father, was the exiting of some of one's selfishness, (not completely) but a diminishment, a desiring of wanting to be a better person. So you've described Eve's reactions perfectly, God plants in us a desire in one to want his/her child to be a better version of him/her. Well done Shana, superb episode. Blessings, Roy
Suggestion : contently - contentedly?
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017
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I think you've done a great job in weaving a human response system into Eve. One of the things I remember being a new father, was the exiting of some of one's selfishness, (not completely) but a diminishment, a desiring of wanting to be a better person. So you've described Eve's reactions perfectly, God plants in us a desire in one to want his/her child to be a better version of him/her. Well done Shana, superb episode. Blessings, Roy
Suggestion : contently - contentedly?
Comment Written 24-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017
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Thank you, Roy :)
I was hoping you would like the way I have changed Eve. I think there is a part of us all that wants to right our past wrongs. I've enjoyed taking Eve from the darkness and bringing her into the light. I think she will play a big part in the future to come. Thanks for catching the typo. Your a joy! :)
Always your fan,
Shana :)
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I like Eve, warmed to her in the beginning, I'm glad you've given her character favour, beautifully done, bless you Roy
Comment from aryr
A very interesting chapter. It was good for Eve to have the opportunity to learn that she is carrying two boys and that they are healthy regardless of how she feels. Her isolation gives her time to think about her life and what she has done. Very well done, great suspense that keeps one reading. thanks.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017
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A very interesting chapter. It was good for Eve to have the opportunity to learn that she is carrying two boys and that they are healthy regardless of how she feels. Her isolation gives her time to think about her life and what she has done. Very well done, great suspense that keeps one reading. thanks.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017
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Thank you :)
I'm glad you liked this chapter, and I appreciate the kind review. This chapter was fun to write. In the past, Eve has been a bit naughty. I enjoyed giving her something in her life to care for. Bringing her out of the darkness has been a task, but I think she deserves to be brought into the light.
Thanks again for the inspiring review.
Shana :)
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You are so very welcome Shana.
