Taker of breath
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Ungodly hour"A lost soul, tormented by his past.
14 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Steve. Right off, I can tell you should put some sort of recap of the story to date for new readers as well as followers to refreash their memory as to where you left off. (always do this)
Lots of good dialogue in here and lots of exciting action and suspense as to what Sam is going to do, isn't there?
Just remember to put your action first in the sentences, followed by the speech tags if needed.
Suggestions: Re write this. ""I don't know Doris." Trembling as he spoke." Try "Sam trembled. "I don't know, Doris." (Many times it is not good to put the action last...put it first as in "he tremebled" then the dialogue.
Pet names should always be capitalized: As in : "Where are you going, Honey?"
This is fairly well written but just needs some polish here and there, my friend. blessings, Bob
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2017
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Hi, Steve. Right off, I can tell you should put some sort of recap of the story to date for new readers as well as followers to refreash their memory as to where you left off. (always do this)
Lots of good dialogue in here and lots of exciting action and suspense as to what Sam is going to do, isn't there?
Just remember to put your action first in the sentences, followed by the speech tags if needed.
Suggestions: Re write this. ""I don't know Doris." Trembling as he spoke." Try "Sam trembled. "I don't know, Doris." (Many times it is not good to put the action last...put it first as in "he tremebled" then the dialogue.
Pet names should always be capitalized: As in : "Where are you going, Honey?"
This is fairly well written but just needs some polish here and there, my friend. blessings, Bob
Comment Written 22-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2017
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Thank you Bob for the awesome advice. I am growing daily and hope to soon create a chapter with little to no issues.
God bless and thank you again for your help.
Steve
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Maybe he hit her and maybe not. Why did she have a look of terror on her face? Why didn't she hear him coming and get out of the way? Who wrote the note? "He reaches inside and removes a folded piece of parchment; it appeared to be old, supporting a strange form of calligraphy." I doubt that was Jeremy. This is a thought provoking chapter. Well done. Nancy
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2017
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Maybe he hit her and maybe not. Why did she have a look of terror on her face? Why didn't she hear him coming and get out of the way? Who wrote the note? "He reaches inside and removes a folded piece of parchment; it appeared to be old, supporting a strange form of calligraphy." I doubt that was Jeremy. This is a thought provoking chapter. Well done. Nancy
Comment Written 22-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2017
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Thank you Nancy for the awesome review my friend.
God bless!
Steve
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
sherrif
sheriff - or perhaps it's just over here it's spelt with 2 "f"s
"Oh God no, Not my baby girl."
"Oh, God no, not my baby girl."
Was he drinking(,) Lloyd?"
I can handle an accident(,) Lloyd, but not murder."
Sam's holding his Remington 20 gauge shotgun - I fancy this should be turned about, Steve - Sam's holding his 20-gauge, Remington shotgun - just ignore if not in agreement.
"So what's going on(,) Sheriff?"
"Take a look inside and tell me what make of it.(")
"Holly shit!["] Do you think this is Jeremy's doing? ["]I mean(,) why would he leave a note?" - you've two redundant inverted commas hereabouts that need deleting and a comma to add after "I mean" -
However(,) I've been in
"Oh(,) on the Contrary(,) Sheriff, - and lower case "c" for contrary
"I aim to gut that pig!(") She shouts. - add inverted commas
I would rather not(,) Doris.
Just look at that boy(,) Sheriff
You can't do that(,) Sheriff
"Shut up(,) Jeremy."
I took the liberty of editing this, Steve, and have suggested the above, but of course, if not in agreement, then just ignore. I only rated the work four because it needs considerable tweaking.
Blessings,
Margaret
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reply by the author on 22-Apr-2017
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sherrif
sheriff - or perhaps it's just over here it's spelt with 2 "f"s
"Oh God no, Not my baby girl."
"Oh, God no, not my baby girl."
Was he drinking(,) Lloyd?"
I can handle an accident(,) Lloyd, but not murder."
Sam's holding his Remington 20 gauge shotgun - I fancy this should be turned about, Steve - Sam's holding his 20-gauge, Remington shotgun - just ignore if not in agreement.
"So what's going on(,) Sheriff?"
"Take a look inside and tell me what make of it.(")
"Holly shit!["] Do you think this is Jeremy's doing? ["]I mean(,) why would he leave a note?" - you've two redundant inverted commas hereabouts that need deleting and a comma to add after "I mean" -
However(,) I've been in
"Oh(,) on the Contrary(,) Sheriff, - and lower case "c" for contrary
"I aim to gut that pig!(") She shouts. - add inverted commas
I would rather not(,) Doris.
Just look at that boy(,) Sheriff
You can't do that(,) Sheriff
"Shut up(,) Jeremy."
I took the liberty of editing this, Steve, and have suggested the above, but of course, if not in agreement, then just ignore. I only rated the work four because it needs considerable tweaking.
Blessings,
Margaret
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2017
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Margaret, thank you my friend. I have edited this all week and still missed all this lol. I'm dyslexic and just can't seem to catch certain things. However, I actually thought that comma's come before a stated name. Didn't think of this when adding Sheriff. And not sure why I added two "r's" on some of the Sheriffs as well. Thank you so much for taking the time to help a fellow author. I will continue to grow and the next chapter will not need this much help I hope. You are greatly appreciated my friend.
God bless!
Steve
Comment from Mustang Patty
thank you for sharing another installment of this story. One suggestion; you need to watch you capitalization. You have some words capitalized where they shouldn't be, and then you're missing capitals on proper names. I read my pieces from the bottom up to find these kinds of errors. By starting with the bottom sentence, I'm not seeing the story in the same light, and I can identify mistakes like missing words, missing punctuation and mis-punctuation.
I look forward to reading more from you,
~patty~
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reply by the author on 22-Apr-2017
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thank you for sharing another installment of this story. One suggestion; you need to watch you capitalization. You have some words capitalized where they shouldn't be, and then you're missing capitals on proper names. I read my pieces from the bottom up to find these kinds of errors. By starting with the bottom sentence, I'm not seeing the story in the same light, and I can identify mistakes like missing words, missing punctuation and mis-punctuation.
I look forward to reading more from you,
~patty~
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2017
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Oh, what a great suggestion Patty! I would have never thought of this, it works. I have gone and edited once more. I spent all week editing this thing and ended up with a quite a bit of issues still lol.
God bless!
Steve
