Taker of breath
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Ungodly hour"A lost soul, tormented by his past.
14 total reviews
Comment from emptypage
This is an amazing story. Fast paced. Great adventure. Heartache. Who could ask for more? The chapter where the boy ran down the girl is one I read, but I think I missed something after. Even so, it comes together very well.
You have a few little things to look at:
"I'll say, Mary's parents just arrived, and everyone's on edge." ---I suggest putting a period after "I'll say," instead of a comma.
"I don't think so Lloyd, I have lost too much to stop now," ---You need a comma after "so" and before "Lloyd."
"What you gonna to do Lloyd, you gonna to shoot me?"---Again, you need a comma before AND after "Lloyd."
"COWARD!" she snaps and spat at him. ---You have two different tenses here in the same sentence. Use either "snapped" and "spat"--I recommend that version--or "snaps" and "spits." That version wouldn't match the rest of the story, though.
Really drew me in. I'll fan you to keep up.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2017
  |
This is an amazing story. Fast paced. Great adventure. Heartache. Who could ask for more? The chapter where the boy ran down the girl is one I read, but I think I missed something after. Even so, it comes together very well.
You have a few little things to look at:
"I'll say, Mary's parents just arrived, and everyone's on edge." ---I suggest putting a period after "I'll say," instead of a comma.
"I don't think so Lloyd, I have lost too much to stop now," ---You need a comma after "so" and before "Lloyd."
"What you gonna to do Lloyd, you gonna to shoot me?"---Again, you need a comma before AND after "Lloyd."
"COWARD!" she snaps and spat at him. ---You have two different tenses here in the same sentence. Use either "snapped" and "spat"--I recommend that version--or "snaps" and "spits." That version wouldn't match the rest of the story, though.
Really drew me in. I'll fan you to keep up.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2017
-
Wow! Thank you for this most excellent review my friend. I am learning this editing process, and it can be a real bear lol. I appreciate the time you took to review and add helpful suggestions. I have made these corrections. I have two other chapters before this one. I am excited to see you want to follow and welcome you aboard this crazy ride.
God bless!
Steve
-
Well, dear Steve, feel free to nominate me for reviewer of the month any time, LOL.
-
When do they reinstate? Every time I try it says I've used up my quota. I don't believe they are weekly like the sixers.
-
Nope--monthly.
-
I see! Thank you
Comment from apky
You need to be consistent with the comma and the Upper case/lower case:
"I'd rather not speak of it, Mama."
"Yea I suppose mama."
"Oh, my." she jumps at the sound of knocking at the front door. There's a full stop (period), so the "she" need to start in upper case.
Is it Lacey or Lacy? Consistency.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2017
|
You need to be consistent with the comma and the Upper case/lower case:
"I'd rather not speak of it, Mama."
"Yea I suppose mama."
"Oh, my." she jumps at the sound of knocking at the front door. There's a full stop (period), so the "she" need to start in upper case.
Is it Lacey or Lacy? Consistency.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2017
-
Thank you for the awesome review my friend. I am definitely a work in progress and willing to learn. How weird that I would miss the E in Lacey twice in the same sentence, but no where else. My mind is savage lol.
God bless!
Steve
Comment from mbroyles2
Jeremy is definitely in a pickle now. And I can't blame Doris or Sam for wanting him dead.
Hopefully Lloyd will get to the truth.
Very well written.
Looking forward to reading more.
Michael
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2017
|
Jeremy is definitely in a pickle now. And I can't blame Doris or Sam for wanting him dead.
Hopefully Lloyd will get to the truth.
Very well written.
Looking forward to reading more.
Michael
Comment Written 24-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2017
-
Thank you Michael for another awesome review following my story. Jeremy is definitely against the wall on this one. I can't wait to get the next chapter up, it is quite the challenging sort. People are going to be shocked I do believe.
God bless!
Steve
Comment from Ric Myworld
It looks like Jeremy is going to have a hard time making anyone believe or understand. But for now, I guess he's just lucky to be alive for the minute. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2017
|
It looks like Jeremy is going to have a hard time making anyone believe or understand. But for now, I guess he's just lucky to be alive for the minute. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 23-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2017
-
Thank you Ric, he will be struggling somewhat in this department for sure lol. He may be out of the woods soon
God bless!
Steve
Comment from Wabigoon
Steve--
this is rather frantically paced. I would bet it is 3,000 plus words and probably doesn't need to be that long. I have the impression you are trying to cram something that makes you very anxious into this space to get it out of you -- I know the feeling if so.
I feel we need way more notes, or way more of a prologue. Despite reading this, and reading it with interest I am lost on the multiple characters and don't want to be. I think, with a simple paragraph long intro this can be helped, addressed.
I don't think you need to hurry. It looks like an interesting story. Take some time to develop it.
There were a couple of places where I wondered about tenses, but did not note them. Watch that.
Thanks
Wabigoon/jeff
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2017
|
Steve--
this is rather frantically paced. I would bet it is 3,000 plus words and probably doesn't need to be that long. I have the impression you are trying to cram something that makes you very anxious into this space to get it out of you -- I know the feeling if so.
I feel we need way more notes, or way more of a prologue. Despite reading this, and reading it with interest I am lost on the multiple characters and don't want to be. I think, with a simple paragraph long intro this can be helped, addressed.
I don't think you need to hurry. It looks like an interesting story. Take some time to develop it.
There were a couple of places where I wondered about tenses, but did not note them. Watch that.
Thanks
Wabigoon/jeff
Comment Written 23-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2017
-
You know, Jeff. I finished this entire manuscript over a year ago. Believe it or not, I cut this very chapter in half already lol. When I was writing this story, it was like a flood gate opened and everything spilled out onto my computer. I have learned quite a bit about myself over these last three chapter entree's. One, I am terrible at editing even though I work hard at not being so. Two, I was using a hell of a lot of filler words for some reason, and three, I'm dedicated in learning the proper procedures and forms to get this story told correctly.
I absolutely appreciate your reviews deeply my friend. They are truly insightful and well taken
God bless!
Steve
Comment from Nikki-Nicole
'Ungodly Hour' is a good read.
Well-written.
Nicely polished.
Great dialogue.
Thanks for sharing a part of your book.
Good luck with your future writing!
-Nicole-
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2017
|
'Ungodly Hour' is a good read.
Well-written.
Nicely polished.
Great dialogue.
Thanks for sharing a part of your book.
Good luck with your future writing!
-Nicole-
Comment Written 22-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2017
-
Thank you Nicole for the awesome review.. The next chapter is a little violent, so be prepared if you are following.
God bless!
Steve
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
"Shut up, Jeremy. You don't have the luxury of talking to me about what that family is going to do to you. It's now my responsibility to keep that from happening." Lloyd stops and turns back towards him. "And Son, you might pray harder than you've ever prayed before," Lloyd lowers his head still looking at him. "that I'm able to do just that."
And with those final words
Lloyd takes his leave. '
What a roller coaster read, fantastic, really wonderful kind regards Meia x
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2017
|
"Shut up, Jeremy. You don't have the luxury of talking to me about what that family is going to do to you. It's now my responsibility to keep that from happening." Lloyd stops and turns back towards him. "And Son, you might pray harder than you've ever prayed before," Lloyd lowers his head still looking at him. "that I'm able to do just that."
And with those final words
Lloyd takes his leave. '
What a roller coaster read, fantastic, really wonderful kind regards Meia x
Comment Written 22-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2017
-
Thank you Meia for the awesome review my friend. The next chapter gets violent.
God bless!
Steve
Comment from Hitcher
I only saw one nit friend-sliding across the gravel driveway slamming into 'the side (of) his' pickup.
Another great chapter friend, more than enough emotional fallout to bring the scenes to life and leave the reader very happy with what you offered up. I loved both parents reactions and you once again have left me wanting more... : )
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2017
|
I only saw one nit friend-sliding across the gravel driveway slamming into 'the side (of) his' pickup.
Another great chapter friend, more than enough emotional fallout to bring the scenes to life and leave the reader very happy with what you offered up. I loved both parents reactions and you once again have left me wanting more... : )
Comment Written 22-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2017
-
Thank you Hitcher for another amazing review and helpful eye my friend. The next chapter is crazy, and I hope to get it up soon.
God bless!
Steve
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Good continuation of the story. Solid story-wise, but need to look at some technicalities again.
She spoke, bringing both hands on her hips. - either placing instead of bringing or to instead of on.
"Where's Mary?" He mumbled - speech tags should be lower case unless a name. Check for more of these.
Looks like that lacey boy done - Lacey.
He stops mid-step as the silhouette of two men's shadows - I would drop silhouette here, it isn't needed.
he could see both, the Sheriff, and deputies squad cars - commas are unnecessary here.
You better get in here, the Sheriff's at the door." - need opening speech marks here.
watch your tenses, especially in the verbs. You're mixing present and past quite a bit.
"Sheriff," She politely nods - she.
"Oh, where are my manners?" Of course, and please call me Doris." - you have an extra speech marks after?
"Sam." She cries as she rushes to his aid. Placing her hand beneath his head, kissing his cheek. - you use these fractured sentences quie a bit. this should really be one sentence. if you look at the second one, it's not fully formed. There's no real subject.
The chapter is quite passive. the use of 'is' is very prevalent. Sam is speaking with conviction - could be, Sam's voice thick with conviction for example.
The emotions ring true here too.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2017
 |
Hi there,
Good continuation of the story. Solid story-wise, but need to look at some technicalities again.
She spoke, bringing both hands on her hips. - either placing instead of bringing or to instead of on.
"Where's Mary?" He mumbled - speech tags should be lower case unless a name. Check for more of these.
Looks like that lacey boy done - Lacey.
He stops mid-step as the silhouette of two men's shadows - I would drop silhouette here, it isn't needed.
he could see both, the Sheriff, and deputies squad cars - commas are unnecessary here.
You better get in here, the Sheriff's at the door." - need opening speech marks here.
watch your tenses, especially in the verbs. You're mixing present and past quite a bit.
"Sheriff," She politely nods - she.
"Oh, where are my manners?" Of course, and please call me Doris." - you have an extra speech marks after?
"Sam." She cries as she rushes to his aid. Placing her hand beneath his head, kissing his cheek. - you use these fractured sentences quie a bit. this should really be one sentence. if you look at the second one, it's not fully formed. There's no real subject.
The chapter is quite passive. the use of 'is' is very prevalent. Sam is speaking with conviction - could be, Sam's voice thick with conviction for example.
The emotions ring true here too.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 22-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2017
-
Thank you GMG for the awesome review. I will get this down eventually, I am listening to all critique and growing. I spent a week trying to edit this chapter and still there is so many issues. I thought sure I had done this one justice. I remember now you said before about the 'not capitalizing speech tags. This will certainly be a focus from here on.
God bless and thank you for your continuous help and not giving up on my edit issues.
You are a blessing my friend.
Steve
P.S. I hope I nominated you recently as I've used them all up.
Comment from Rasmine
My computer is acting up, so I'm just going to write what I saw. If there is action and it is a sentence, for example--'Mark got up to make coffee. Bringing a cup from the table.' It would be wrong because the second would be a fragment with no subject. You can connect them: Mark got up to make coffee bringing a cup from the table. There are a lot of sentences in your writing that becomes fragments.
One other thing I saw, was not separating when the cop goes in to see if Lacey has protection and the scene of Sam getting to the hospital.
I haven't been following the story, but it is interesting. :)
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2017
|
My computer is acting up, so I'm just going to write what I saw. If there is action and it is a sentence, for example--'Mark got up to make coffee. Bringing a cup from the table.' It would be wrong because the second would be a fragment with no subject. You can connect them: Mark got up to make coffee bringing a cup from the table. There are a lot of sentences in your writing that becomes fragments.
One other thing I saw, was not separating when the cop goes in to see if Lacey has protection and the scene of Sam getting to the hospital.
I haven't been following the story, but it is interesting. :)
Comment Written 22-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2017
-
Ah! I see, I am learning this editing and manuscript writing better everyday. Thank you for the awesome review and for taking the time to offer much needed assistance my friend. If you happen to catch the next chapter, please be advised it is a bit violent.
God bless!
Steve
