Echoes of Artistry
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Grant to Me"NaPoWriMo 2017
22 total reviews
Comment from frogbook
Quite unique and wonderful that you could base it on this complimentary comment you received. Sounds like you have a lovely community with many artistic interests.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2017
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Quite unique and wonderful that you could base it on this complimentary comment you received. Sounds like you have a lovely community with many artistic interests.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2017
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Hi frogbook:
We really do have a strong arts following in our community. Alaska is a land of free spirits and we have many artists and writers. Thank you for the lovely comments.
Kim
Comment from honeytree
I really loved the art work
for these words loved the
following words.
"No statues will they set of us in sand,
our works, when gazed upon, cause no despair;
the poets who once traversed this north land."
Honey tree
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017
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I really loved the art work
for these words loved the
following words.
"No statues will they set of us in sand,
our works, when gazed upon, cause no despair;
the poets who once traversed this north land."
Honey tree
Comment Written 25-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017
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Hi Annie,
Thank you for the wonderful comments. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review.
Kim
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Kim,
This is a great sonnet that clearly expresses your love of where you live & how to express those feelings in words.
Your lines flow smoothly with super rhymes. Your message is wonderful, too. I am happy that you choose to share with others your love of land & words.
This style worked greatly for your poem. PBShelley would be proud. I know you will continue with sharing your awesome talent. Jan
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2017
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Kim,
This is a great sonnet that clearly expresses your love of where you live & how to express those feelings in words.
Your lines flow smoothly with super rhymes. Your message is wonderful, too. I am happy that you choose to share with others your love of land & words.
This style worked greatly for your poem. PBShelley would be proud. I know you will continue with sharing your awesome talent. Jan
Comment Written 22-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2017
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Hi Jan,
Thank you for this wonderful review :) I appreciate all of your thoughtful comments.
Kim
Comment from BeasPeas
This is a very interesting post on several levels. The image, the poem itself retelling meeting the gentleman at the AWG, and the synopsis of Shelley's life, (especially that he also drowned). Well done. Marilyn
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2017
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This is a very interesting post on several levels. The image, the poem itself retelling meeting the gentleman at the AWG, and the synopsis of Shelley's life, (especially that he also drowned). Well done. Marilyn
Comment Written 21-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2017
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Hi Marilyn,
If you want a little more of the history on Shelley, take a look at the reviews on this piece. Dean sent me a really lengthy review and gave me the entire story on the drowning. You might find it interesting. Thanks for the great review.
Kim
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I will take a look at it, Kim.
Comment from alf collier
As always, I sigh in frustration at my lack of sixes!! This was a great sonnet form, and the word choices are just made for the poem!!! (??? how else would they get in there?) But the info in the AN was really interesting as well. I take it you joined a poetry group?
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2017
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As always, I sigh in frustration at my lack of sixes!! This was a great sonnet form, and the word choices are just made for the poem!!! (??? how else would they get in there?) But the info in the AN was really interesting as well. I take it you joined a poetry group?
Comment Written 21-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2017
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Hi Alf,
When I participated in the Alaska Women Speak reading on the 8th (my first one ever!) I was invited to attend the next Interior chapter Alaska Writer's Guild meeting. So, I went to that meeting/reading on Tuesday. And this poem was born from there. So, yes, I do plan to join the Alaska Writer's Guild. It isn't just poetry, but all styles of writing. They seem to be a very friendly group of people. Thank you for all of the wonderful comments.
Kim
Comment from Pearl Edwards
That is quite a compliment Kim, to be the poet of the future for Alaska, and I'm sure you could live up to that.
we've given up the wish to live as kings - that's true of most creators.
Nicely done with this sonnet Kim,
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2017
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That is quite a compliment Kim, to be the poet of the future for Alaska, and I'm sure you could live up to that.
we've given up the wish to live as kings - that's true of most creators.
Nicely done with this sonnet Kim,
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 21-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2017
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Hi Valda,
It was a fun comment that I decided would be good fodder for this poem. He was really an interesting man with a lot of stories. He told a Robert Service story that was a lot of fun, about a one hundred yr old woman he met who was acquainted with him. Apparently, Robert Service used to regale his acquaintances by reading his poetry at their social gatherings.
Thank you for the wonderful review.
Kim
Comment from strandregs
Thank you for all the information.
yours is probably better
words in bpoks our legacy to share.
what more can we ask?
North is always hot hot hot.:-)) Z.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2017
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Thank you for all the information.
yours is probably better
words in bpoks our legacy to share.
what more can we ask?
North is always hot hot hot.:-)) Z.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2017
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Hi strandregs,
I love the North! Your review is very much appreciated, as are the compliments.
Kim
Comment from Pantygynt
This is a great idea to compare the ancient history of native Americans with that of the classical world. Ozzie hhas long had a place in my heart and it is good to see him brought out and dusted down from timew to time.
The reversed syntax of you second line is somewhat strangled. Might I offer the following as a somewhat less contorted alternative?
"...whose sole desire a poet was to be".
I also wondered if it might be worth interpolating a thought from the original.
This is Shelley:
"And on the pedestal these words appear --
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay..."
and in a similar position you have:
"Whilst money's not the thing that we hold dear,
we've given up the wish to live as kings;
where words will be our legacy to share.
No statues will they set of us in sand,
but books may yet remember we were there,
as poets who did traverse this North land."
I offer your version, slightly changed in a couple of places to reflect the original:
Whilst money's not the thing that we hold dear,
we've given up the wish to live as kings;
where words will be our legacy to share.
No statues will they set of us in sand,
our works, when gazed upon, cause no despair.
As poets we once traversed this North land.
our books may yet remember we were there,
Just a thought.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2017
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This is a great idea to compare the ancient history of native Americans with that of the classical world. Ozzie hhas long had a place in my heart and it is good to see him brought out and dusted down from timew to time.
The reversed syntax of you second line is somewhat strangled. Might I offer the following as a somewhat less contorted alternative?
"...whose sole desire a poet was to be".
I also wondered if it might be worth interpolating a thought from the original.
This is Shelley:
"And on the pedestal these words appear --
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay..."
and in a similar position you have:
"Whilst money's not the thing that we hold dear,
we've given up the wish to live as kings;
where words will be our legacy to share.
No statues will they set of us in sand,
but books may yet remember we were there,
as poets who did traverse this North land."
I offer your version, slightly changed in a couple of places to reflect the original:
Whilst money's not the thing that we hold dear,
we've given up the wish to live as kings;
where words will be our legacy to share.
No statues will they set of us in sand,
our works, when gazed upon, cause no despair.
As poets we once traversed this North land.
our books may yet remember we were there,
Just a thought.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2017
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Hi Pantygynt:
That end change is marvelous. But, It would make the poem 15 lines to Shelley's 14 and no longer a sonnet. It also slightly alters his crazy rhyme scheme. I do really like Ozy though. I like the first suggestion. I was trying to keep the meter and keep poet from being the last word in the line, which was my original inclination. I will do that edit and wait to see your reply as to the additional line.
Kim
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Oops! I forgot it was a sonnet. How about this then?
Whilst money's not the thing that we hold dear,
we've given up the wish to live as kings;
where words will be our legacy to share.
No statues will they set of us in sand,
our works, when gazed upon, cause no despair.
our books may be recalled in this north land,
This restores the 14 line sonnet form and I hope rescues the essence of both your original last line and the penultimate one while maintaining Sheley's rhyme scheme. What do you think now?
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Sorry for the delay, I had to switch to hubby's computer. My laptop crashed earlier this week and is in the shop. Replying to these on my phone makes it hard for lengthy discussion lol
I like this...
Whilst money's not the thing that we hold dear,
we've given up the wish to live as kings;
where words will be our legacy to share.
No statues will they set of us in sand,
our works, when gazed upon, cause no despair.
our books may be recalled in this north land,
what do you think of...
our works, when gazed upon, cause no despair;
the poets who once traversed this north land.
I think I'm fine with losing the idea of books, unless you think that is the more pertinent point?
The despair line as a nod to Ozy is an excellent suggestion!
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I suggested books because when all is said and done they are how the poets are remembered. But it's your poem.
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Yeah, that is why I had books in the original, too. I really like the nod to Ozy you're suggested. I'll go make edits. Thank you so much!
Kim
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one more thought lol
Whilst money's not the thing that we hold dear,
we've given up the wish to live as kings;
where words in books, our legacy to share.
No statues will they set of us in sand,
our works, when gazed upon, cause no despair;
the poets who once traversed this north land.
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Why not - get them both in. well said.
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Thank you :)
Comment from Apostle Janos
I know about Ozymandias and it is a fascinating read.
Although you've done well in general with following the rhyme scheme, "to a poet be" this line feels too forced in my opinion. I also think you copied the narrative flow of the poem, which wasn't really necessary but it's not bad either.
Overall, I enjoyed the poem, thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2017
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I know about Ozymandias and it is a fascinating read.
Although you've done well in general with following the rhyme scheme, "to a poet be" this line feels too forced in my opinion. I also think you copied the narrative flow of the poem, which wasn't really necessary but it's not bad either.
Overall, I enjoyed the poem, thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2017
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Hi! I made an edit to that second line. Thanks for all the great comments.
Kim
Comment from Dawn Munro
HUH - thank you, Kim of my heart *smile* - I rest my case. I repeat myself so often on the same subject: forms are created by poets, not the other way around. I agree, this isn't a rhyme scheme I recognize either, still it makes a lovely sonnet. (I fear FanStory becomes just a little too big for its britches with a few 'experts' here...*grin*. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2017
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HUH - thank you, Kim of my heart *smile* - I rest my case. I repeat myself so often on the same subject: forms are created by poets, not the other way around. I agree, this isn't a rhyme scheme I recognize either, still it makes a lovely sonnet. (I fear FanStory becomes just a little too big for its britches with a few 'experts' here...*grin*. Nicely done.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2017
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Hi Dawn,
I have seen this poem in particular held up as a type of undefined sonnet. It really is beautiful. The reasons you stated are exactly why I included the notes as I did lol. Great minds, eh?
Kim
