Family Poems and Stories 2010-2017
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "The Bar Stool"...musings on us
57 total reviews
Comment from XGoneX
Hi,
It started as a man who's an alcoholic and hasn't see his children in years. It looked like he had regrets and wanted to correct his past behaviour for his children. Then the last paragraph brings us a twist.
Well written and you describe a vivid scene. My father was also an alcoholic and even went to prison for six years. I haven't seen him in years. Then I married a guy who was also an alcoholic. It was hell to get rid of him. This one was a psycho too and he did things that I thought it would only happen in movies.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2017
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Hi,
It started as a man who's an alcoholic and hasn't see his children in years. It looked like he had regrets and wanted to correct his past behaviour for his children. Then the last paragraph brings us a twist.
Well written and you describe a vivid scene. My father was also an alcoholic and even went to prison for six years. I haven't seen him in years. Then I married a guy who was also an alcoholic. It was hell to get rid of him. This one was a psycho too and he did things that I thought it would only happen in movies.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2017
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thank you for stopping by to read and review. I appreciate your comments and kind words of encouragement. So sorry to hear about your ex - its funny how they show up everywhere. Hang in there - you're in a better place now,
~patty~
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I may write a short story about it one of these days. I haven't seen him since 2012, he lives abroad and moved on. Thank God.
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Good riddance. You should write about it - its cathartic. ~p~
Comment from robertlmcgraw
This is a powerful image that you've painted. Very good job!
May I make a couple of minor suggestions?
1. "He couldn't remember how many beers he'd had, or how long he sat at the bar." - (Maybe drop the 'at the bar'. You've already described his location. Just seems a bit redundant. I think 'how long he'd sat there' might be a better alternative.
2. "No amount of beers could heal ..." - (Maybe just use the singular version of 'Beer' here. It would read more realistically.)
You're imagery is very powerful. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2017
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This is a powerful image that you've painted. Very good job!
May I make a couple of minor suggestions?
1. "He couldn't remember how many beers he'd had, or how long he sat at the bar." - (Maybe drop the 'at the bar'. You've already described his location. Just seems a bit redundant. I think 'how long he'd sat there' might be a better alternative.
2. "No amount of beers could heal ..." - (Maybe just use the singular version of 'Beer' here. It would read more realistically.)
You're imagery is very powerful. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2017
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thank you for stopping by to read and review. I appreciate your suggestions - I will go back and edit to use them. Your kind words of encouragement are greatly appreciated,
~patty~
Comment from morgan60621
How heart wrenching to think of this man, who could have been your father, deciding to use violence to meet his needs heedless of his children's need for security and safety. All too true in many, many lives. Thank you for being so poignant on such a hard to discuss topic. Well written. Morgan
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2017
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How heart wrenching to think of this man, who could have been your father, deciding to use violence to meet his needs heedless of his children's need for security and safety. All too true in many, many lives. Thank you for being so poignant on such a hard to discuss topic. Well written. Morgan
Comment Written 15-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2017
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thank you for stopping by to read and review. I originally wrote this story when I was about fourteen. It was part of my journey to understand why and how someone could actively destroy their own family. I appreciate your comments and encouragement,
~patty~
Comment from estory
I thought this was packed with tension and the end was explosive. it kind of slowly unravelled, gently, innocently, from the opening scene. there was no hint of where this was going, and the fond memories of the kids seemed to be taking shape in this man's drunken head, and then, wham! you exploded it all in the last sentence. I think there needs to be maybe a smidgen of anger maybe at the mom in his remiscences and it would make it a little more realistic, and more complicated. you can expand it a bit more. but as a small scene it packs a punch estory
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2017
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I thought this was packed with tension and the end was explosive. it kind of slowly unravelled, gently, innocently, from the opening scene. there was no hint of where this was going, and the fond memories of the kids seemed to be taking shape in this man's drunken head, and then, wham! you exploded it all in the last sentence. I think there needs to be maybe a smidgen of anger maybe at the mom in his remiscences and it would make it a little more realistic, and more complicated. you can expand it a bit more. but as a small scene it packs a punch estory
Comment Written 15-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2017
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thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I so appreciate your comments on this piece. Your words of encouragement mean a great deal to me. I will see if I can bring more anger into his thoughts,
~patty~😀
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This definitely has a ring of authenticity to it. The descriptive elements in the write are vivid and well painted. The emotional quotient really comes through as well. The end lines are chilling.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2017
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Hi there,
This definitely has a ring of authenticity to it. The descriptive elements in the write are vivid and well painted. The emotional quotient really comes through as well. The end lines are chilling.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 15-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2017
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thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement,
~patty~😀
Comment from Fridayauthor
This is a sad story, very well written, with obvious strong feelings. While the posting is short, the story moves steadily to its tense conclusion.
Just to be picky... The opening sentence made me ask, "Why was he looking at the door? It was never answered. Perhaps...
"But he wasn't ready to leave just yet."
Or...
"But no one who cared would be coming in."
It just seemed to me it was important enough to open the story, it was some how somehow something I should know.
Most enjoyable read.
Thank you,
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2017
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This is a sad story, very well written, with obvious strong feelings. While the posting is short, the story moves steadily to its tense conclusion.
Just to be picky... The opening sentence made me ask, "Why was he looking at the door? It was never answered. Perhaps...
"But he wasn't ready to leave just yet."
Or...
"But no one who cared would be coming in."
It just seemed to me it was important enough to open the story, it was some how somehow something I should know.
Most enjoyable read.
Thank you,
Comment Written 14-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2017
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thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement, and I see what you mean about looking at the door - room for an edit,
~patty~😀
Comment from bookishfabler
Oh how terrible. When we think we have it bad, or things don't go our way, we have to look at life and remember it could be worse. My father was an alcoholic too, but he was loving and never left. When he drank he was funny, not mean. Thank goodness. He always worked too. I'm lucky. So sorry your dad left.
hugs Heidi
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2017
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Oh how terrible. When we think we have it bad, or things don't go our way, we have to look at life and remember it could be worse. My father was an alcoholic too, but he was loving and never left. When he drank he was funny, not mean. Thank goodness. He always worked too. I'm lucky. So sorry your dad left.
hugs Heidi
Comment Written 14-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2017
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Hi Heidi; thank you for reading and reviewing. In hind sight, its a good thing my dad left. Some of the things that took place in his absence weren't all that great - but I survived, and I'm in a much better place,
~patty~
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
Downing the beer in one long gulp, he had his resolve. He would go and see his kids. No one would stop him. He needed to hear their laughter. Staggering from the stool, he went to retrieve his coat.
Hefting its heavy weight, he stuck in his arms, and pulled up the collar. He slipped his hand deep into the right pocket. Grasping the butt of his gun, he knew he would see his kids one last time.'
What a sad, moving and engaging write, scary too. I am so sorry for you but you write so very well kindest regards and well done Meia x
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2017
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Downing the beer in one long gulp, he had his resolve. He would go and see his kids. No one would stop him. He needed to hear their laughter. Staggering from the stool, he went to retrieve his coat.
Hefting its heavy weight, he stuck in his arms, and pulled up the collar. He slipped his hand deep into the right pocket. Grasping the butt of his gun, he knew he would see his kids one last time.'
What a sad, moving and engaging write, scary too. I am so sorry for you but you write so very well kindest regards and well done Meia x
Comment Written 14-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2017
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Hi; this was a difficult write. This story haunts me. I would like to believe that my father thought of us over they years, but have absolutely no idea. Thanks for reading,
~patty~
Comment from Cindy Warren
Oh, I hope he finds they've moved away. It's scary what alcohol can do to a person's mind. He could actually think they'd be happy to see him, and that he might get away with it.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2017
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Oh, I hope he finds they've moved away. It's scary what alcohol can do to a person's mind. He could actually think they'd be happy to see him, and that he might get away with it.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2017
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thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I appreciate your kind words of encouragement,
~patty~
Comment from Elizabeth Daniels
Alcohol has destroyed many lives and families. I have several family members with 'problems' Your story presented this well with a bit of a twist at the end. At the end of the fourth paragraph and the beginning of the fifth paragraph, you used the same phrase twice. It sounds pretty redundant. Also in the fifth paragraph, you said 'the laughter dwindled down' I don't know if you need the word 'down' since 'dwindled ' mean to decrease or go down. Good story.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2017
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Alcohol has destroyed many lives and families. I have several family members with 'problems' Your story presented this well with a bit of a twist at the end. At the end of the fourth paragraph and the beginning of the fifth paragraph, you used the same phrase twice. It sounds pretty redundant. Also in the fifth paragraph, you said 'the laughter dwindled down' I don't know if you need the word 'down' since 'dwindled ' mean to decrease or go down. Good story.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2017
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thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I appreciate your time and thoughtful comments. I made the edit - thank you for giving me the idea,
~patty~😀
