Staying Young
Old age can be a nuisance.3 total reviews
Comment from Nikki-Nicole
This is a good read.
A little long but interesting.
Well-written.
Nicely polished.
Great dialogue.
The artwork looks good. The image shown supports the story.
Thanks for sharing.
Good luck with your future writing.
-Nicole-
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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This is a good read.
A little long but interesting.
Well-written.
Nicely polished.
Great dialogue.
The artwork looks good. The image shown supports the story.
Thanks for sharing.
Good luck with your future writing.
-Nicole-
Comment Written 11-May-2017
reply by the author on 12-May-2017
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Nice review, thank you for your feedback.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Tom. I love the story. The plot holds up very well indeed. You have some wonderful descriptions and images throughout the story, my friend.
Suggestions: "he ate a bowl of that cereal, making him missed his television shows for the entire next day. (Making him MISS his television shows etc.)
Also, when you are telling a story in the narrative POV where you have to begin a lot of sentences with the pronoun "he" a lot as with this story start with the action instead to smooth things out and get a better sound for the reader. Like here for instance:
You have: "He walked into the center, hoping of engaging in a conversation with Meagan, even wishing that she forgot to button her blouse. It would be his only highlight of his visit. Unfortunately, a young man greeted him at the door. He had a long black ponytail down his skinny back. He reminded Hal of the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz.
Try: "Walking into the center, Hal hoped to engage in conversation with Meagan."
Also: "With a long black ponytail hanging down his skinny back, the young man reminded Hal of the Wizard of Oz scarecrow."
Also, you may want to proof read your stories before you post them in order to catch things like this: "The cuckoo clock above the stove startled him that he almost dropped his cane."
Good Luck with this. Blessings, Bob
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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Hi, Tom. I love the story. The plot holds up very well indeed. You have some wonderful descriptions and images throughout the story, my friend.
Suggestions: "he ate a bowl of that cereal, making him missed his television shows for the entire next day. (Making him MISS his television shows etc.)
Also, when you are telling a story in the narrative POV where you have to begin a lot of sentences with the pronoun "he" a lot as with this story start with the action instead to smooth things out and get a better sound for the reader. Like here for instance:
You have: "He walked into the center, hoping of engaging in a conversation with Meagan, even wishing that she forgot to button her blouse. It would be his only highlight of his visit. Unfortunately, a young man greeted him at the door. He had a long black ponytail down his skinny back. He reminded Hal of the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz.
Try: "Walking into the center, Hal hoped to engage in conversation with Meagan."
Also: "With a long black ponytail hanging down his skinny back, the young man reminded Hal of the Wizard of Oz scarecrow."
Also, you may want to proof read your stories before you post them in order to catch things like this: "The cuckoo clock above the stove startled him that he almost dropped his cane."
Good Luck with this. Blessings, Bob
Comment Written 04-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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Thank you for your input. Grateful for your suggestions. will revise.
.
Tom.
Comment from lyenochka
I love the folksy tone of the narrator's voice. Great story overall with wonderful descriptions with memorable similes (like the turkey before Thanksgiving).
Minor note: Sometimes the daughter's name is Terrie and other times it's Terri without the e.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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I love the folksy tone of the narrator's voice. Great story overall with wonderful descriptions with memorable similes (like the turkey before Thanksgiving).
Minor note: Sometimes the daughter's name is Terrie and other times it's Terri without the e.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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Thank you for your kind words.
