Unleashed Chaos
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Proposal"A Novel of the Breedline Series
7 total reviews
Comment from Natali Holden
I love how you started it! "Death was messy, painful and without rules..." "In truth, she'd lost her parents when she was just a child at the hands of her twin sister-(and now she was dead.)" This is a little confusing to me. It sounds kind of like Celina is dead. It might be better to do, (who now was dead) or (who was now dead). "I love you, Jace Chamberlain." I like how you had his last name in there too. It adds power to those few words. Excellent chapter!
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2017
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I love how you started it! "Death was messy, painful and without rules..." "In truth, she'd lost her parents when she was just a child at the hands of her twin sister-(and now she was dead.)" This is a little confusing to me. It sounds kind of like Celina is dead. It might be better to do, (who now was dead) or (who was now dead). "I love you, Jace Chamberlain." I like how you had his last name in there too. It adds power to those few words. Excellent chapter!
Natali ;)
Comment Written 19-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2017
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Thank you, Natali! :)
Glad you liked my third series. And thank you for the rating, feedback and advice. I've learned so many things from FanStory. This is very helpful my friend.
Shana :)
Comment from ngage
Excellent chapter Shana! The image you placed with the chapter is superb. Now that Tessa and her babies are going to be fine, Jace has proposed to her properly. Good start with the story. So sad to hear Celina is paralyzed. Hopefully Helen can find a good surgeon for her. I'm looking forward to finding out how this new series goes. You manage to make your chapters flow with ease, taking many twists and turns, weaving your different characters in and out of the story. I'm addicted to your Breedline story!
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2017
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Excellent chapter Shana! The image you placed with the chapter is superb. Now that Tessa and her babies are going to be fine, Jace has proposed to her properly. Good start with the story. So sad to hear Celina is paralyzed. Hopefully Helen can find a good surgeon for her. I'm looking forward to finding out how this new series goes. You manage to make your chapters flow with ease, taking many twists and turns, weaving your different characters in and out of the story. I'm addicted to your Breedline story!
Comment Written 07-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2017
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Thank you ngage! :)
I appreciate all your kind words and awesome review. This really puts a smile on my face and a positive attitude in my writing.
Thanks again my friend,
Shana :)
Comment from apky
Thanks for sharing this, Scongrove. I enjoyed the read, although I confess I didn't read all the explanations in the end. But I intend to come back when I have more time and do so. My suggestions are below.
Well done.
Suggestions:-
"the life of the one's you love." ~ delete the apostrophe in one's.
"The same one Helen gave her the exciting, but scary news that she was pregnant with twins." ~ something is missing in the construction of this sentence.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
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Thanks for sharing this, Scongrove. I enjoyed the read, although I confess I didn't read all the explanations in the end. But I intend to come back when I have more time and do so. My suggestions are below.
Well done.
Suggestions:-
"the life of the one's you love." ~ delete the apostrophe in one's.
"The same one Helen gave her the exciting, but scary news that she was pregnant with twins." ~ something is missing in the construction of this sentence.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
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Thank you! :)
I appreciate your review and the advice. Always looking for tips. Hope to hear from you again.
Shana :)
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You're welcome, Shana. That's why we writers are on FS - to help each other out.
BTW my heroine coincidentally shares your name - Shana (in my Golden Shana series)
Have a blessed weekend ahead.
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That is rare to hear my name. I will definitely check your series out. How neat! :)
Comment from Nikki-Nicole
Outstanding title, 'The Proposal'- Excellent choice.
Great portrait!- Two thumbs up!
The image of the woman's hand showing off her beautiful ring fits perfectly with the title.
This is a good chapter.
Very well-written.
Nicely polished work.
Free of grammatical errors!
Great dialogue.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Good luck with your future writing!
-Nicole-
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2017
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Outstanding title, 'The Proposal'- Excellent choice.
Great portrait!- Two thumbs up!
The image of the woman's hand showing off her beautiful ring fits perfectly with the title.
This is a good chapter.
Very well-written.
Nicely polished work.
Free of grammatical errors!
Great dialogue.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Good luck with your future writing!
-Nicole-
Comment Written 04-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2017
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Thank you, Nicole :)
I appreciate the fantastic review. I'm glad you mentioned you liked the title and picture. I thought it was fitting with Jace asking Tessa to marry him. Writing this story has been so much fun for me. I do enjoy creating new adventures for my characters. It definitely gives me pleasure when I get a review like yours. This is so rewarding.
Thanks again,
Shana :)
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
After Jace took it out of the box, he gently slid it on her finger. "Alexander passed this down to me, to give to you. It was my great grandmother's wedding ring," he said, putting his palm over her stomach to the warm and loving place that held his sons. "We're going to be a happy family now."
"I love you, Jace Chamberlain."
With his fingertips, he traced over her belly and whispered, "I love you more."
Such a sweet and touching scene, Twilight mover over, a star on a work, wonderful and magical fantastic kindest regards Meia x
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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After Jace took it out of the box, he gently slid it on her finger. "Alexander passed this down to me, to give to you. It was my great grandmother's wedding ring," he said, putting his palm over her stomach to the warm and loving place that held his sons. "We're going to be a happy family now."
"I love you, Jace Chamberlain."
With his fingertips, he traced over her belly and whispered, "I love you more."
Such a sweet and touching scene, Twilight mover over, a star on a work, wonderful and magical fantastic kindest regards Meia x
Comment Written 04-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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Thank you, Meia :)
It's good to hear from you. I really appreciate your kind words. I did love writing this chapter. Jace and Tessa's bond is what all woman dream of having. I guess I live through my books. :) When this book goes out in print, I'll actually have a photograph of the real Jace Chamberlain. I hope he's the image all the readers see as they read along.
Thanks again,
Shana :)
Comment from royowen
A sort of epilogue to the action that won over the Chiang-sheh demon, and now poor Celina is seemingly paralysed from the waist down. Poor tessa has given birth to twins, safely delivered, and then Jace asks her to marry him, and surprise, she excepts. Well done, dear Shana, excellent job, my friend, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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A sort of epilogue to the action that won over the Chiang-sheh demon, and now poor Celina is seemingly paralysed from the waist down. Poor tessa has given birth to twins, safely delivered, and then Jace asks her to marry him, and surprise, she excepts. Well done, dear Shana, excellent job, my friend, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 04-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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Thank you, Roy :)
Yes, Tessa has survived the battle with the Katoka, but she has not had her babies just yet. That comes later in the story. She's healing from the wounds caused by the Katoka. But the demon has passed! Now Celina's fate rests in the hands of her Aunt Helen. Hopefully she will find her a good surgeon. The best part of this chapter is when Jace asks Tessa in her hand in marriage. I love the bond between the characters, and it's fun to write. Thanks for your continuing inspiration. You have truly encouraged me to keep up with my story.
Always your fan,
Shana :)
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Excellent, dear friend, great writing,
Comment from bmethner
The contrast of the love story with the obviously violent surroundings makes your piece most intriguing. The story flows with the details of what is happening. There are certainly a lot of twins in this story. The tenderness of the love scenes is a welcome rest for the reader. Even in fantasy it's good to know that love still conquers all. Good luck
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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The contrast of the love story with the obviously violent surroundings makes your piece most intriguing. The story flows with the details of what is happening. There are certainly a lot of twins in this story. The tenderness of the love scenes is a welcome rest for the reader. Even in fantasy it's good to know that love still conquers all. Good luck
Comment Written 03-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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Thank you :)
I enjoyed reading your review. Your words of encouragement is refreshing and inspiring. I love a good love story and it's fun to write. Even though my characters face the dark forces, light always shines through.
Thanks again,
Shana :)
