Tanka Waka
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "tanka (like ocean breeze)"A collection of Japanese short poetry
16 total reviews
Comment from Joan E.
I enjoyed your invoking the sound of the ocean and comparing special words to it. I admired the strong emotional content and the illustrations. Smiles- Joan
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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I enjoyed your invoking the sound of the ocean and comparing special words to it. I admired the strong emotional content and the illustrations. Smiles- Joan
Comment Written 31-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Hello, my friend, thank you very much
namaste,
Gypsy Haijin Sensei
Fanstory Instructor and poet
Member of the Haiku Society of America
~*~ a new haiku class every month ~*~
<>o<> Haiku 201 starts on April 5th<>o<>
~<>o<> Haiga starts on May 1st <>o<>~
Comment from Grasshopper2
GBR,
You once more have penned a piece of your heart and put it on display. I would add the word "an" in the first line:
Edited: Like an ocean breeze. The first line amplifies the second line (which is my favorite):
Your sweet words caress my neck.
Like a good wine, it lingers long after it is gone.
Thank you for posting. You are a brave lady to allow the public access to your heart and soul.
Michael
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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GBR,
You once more have penned a piece of your heart and put it on display. I would add the word "an" in the first line:
Edited: Like an ocean breeze. The first line amplifies the second line (which is my favorite):
Your sweet words caress my neck.
Like a good wine, it lingers long after it is gone.
Thank you for posting. You are a brave lady to allow the public access to your heart and soul.
Michael
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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thank you, my friend :)
namaste,
Gypsy
Comment from Rasmine
Very good tanka. Romantic--if I could just meet a nice guy, but that is over. My favorite line is:
Your sweet words caress my neck
Have a good weekend.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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Very good tanka. Romantic--if I could just meet a nice guy, but that is over. My favorite line is:
Your sweet words caress my neck
Have a good weekend.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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hahaha... I know what you mean, honey, before my present boyfriend, I was sure my 'man-picker- was broken.... LOL
thank you for reading :)
Comment from Ulla
Awwwww, Gitana, this is just such a lovely declaration of love. Wonderful picture with those lovely words of yours. beautiful. I may still want to add to your book of tanka. Un abrazo. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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Awwwww, Gitana, this is just such a lovely declaration of love. Wonderful picture with those lovely words of yours. beautiful. I may still want to add to your book of tanka. Un abrazo. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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Thank you very much, my dear friend,
namaste,
Gypsy Haijin Sensei
Fanstory Instructor and poet
Member of the Haiku Society of America
~*~ a new haiku class every month ~*~
<>o<> Haiku 201 starts on April 5th<>o<>
~<>o<> Haiga starts on May 1st <>o<>~
Comment from cumulus365
This tanka just sings out a ballad. Your work on this one is excellent. The meaning of this poem is just simple, clean, and sharp to the point. The breeze from the ocean does heat up some amorous spirits. I like your opening line on line 1 as it leads into the words making the mind to care and become curious of how deep is the love. You include the accompaning audio/video of lapping surfs, chattering gulls, the silky sand shore oceanside in the early morning brings back my memories of a beach I visited and the peacefulness of life at the ocean. Your thoughtful soul is one deserving of warm embraces from your lover! Your poem meets the syllable counts of this poetry style. The meaning of the poem is achieved--the gentleness of being in love.
This structure opens with simile of a breeze to words in a haiku where line 1 maintains 5 syllables phrase that sets up the thought of words are like a breeze that is cool, that comes and go, connecting the thought in line 2 with a 7-syllable phrase . Your satori in line 3 goes back to line 1 as to the gentleness of unbearable lightness of the breeze and assuring words make you wonder if words are as true as the breeze (my interpretation). Line 4 is an additional phrase with 7 syllables to the haiku tofurther the mood of this poemabout being in love. You are correct that when one is in love, the feeling usually is packed with fears of loosing the good feel experiencing and tears from the joy of being accepted. Your tanka ends with line 5 with a 7-syllable phrase that generates the image of the lovers lovingly belong. Lovely work. Best wishes your entry.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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This tanka just sings out a ballad. Your work on this one is excellent. The meaning of this poem is just simple, clean, and sharp to the point. The breeze from the ocean does heat up some amorous spirits. I like your opening line on line 1 as it leads into the words making the mind to care and become curious of how deep is the love. You include the accompaning audio/video of lapping surfs, chattering gulls, the silky sand shore oceanside in the early morning brings back my memories of a beach I visited and the peacefulness of life at the ocean. Your thoughtful soul is one deserving of warm embraces from your lover! Your poem meets the syllable counts of this poetry style. The meaning of the poem is achieved--the gentleness of being in love.
This structure opens with simile of a breeze to words in a haiku where line 1 maintains 5 syllables phrase that sets up the thought of words are like a breeze that is cool, that comes and go, connecting the thought in line 2 with a 7-syllable phrase . Your satori in line 3 goes back to line 1 as to the gentleness of unbearable lightness of the breeze and assuring words make you wonder if words are as true as the breeze (my interpretation). Line 4 is an additional phrase with 7 syllables to the haiku tofurther the mood of this poemabout being in love. You are correct that when one is in love, the feeling usually is packed with fears of loosing the good feel experiencing and tears from the joy of being accepted. Your tanka ends with line 5 with a 7-syllable phrase that generates the image of the lovers lovingly belong. Lovely work. Best wishes your entry.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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Thank you very much, my dear friend, this is a very detailed and helpful review.... outstanding!
namaste,
Gypsy Haijin Sensei
Fanstory Instructor and poet
Member of the Haiku Society of America
~*~ a new haiku class every month ~*~
<>o<> Haiku 201 starts on April 5th<>o<>
~<>o<> Haiga starts on May 1st <>o<>~
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Did you know that for all that detail, supportive technical jargons, Fanstory didn't let me earn a free member pump. This is getting very difficult. Om!
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for the pleasure of reading another of your fine poems, the words perfect to make the beach setting all the more wonderful. Of course, me being a beach bum at heart, up pops those human jealousies. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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Thanks for the pleasure of reading another of your fine poems, the words perfect to make the beach setting all the more wonderful. Of course, me being a beach bum at heart, up pops those human jealousies. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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Thank you very much, my dear friend,
namaste,
Gypsy Haijin Sensei
Fanstory Instructor and poet
Member of the Haiku Society of America
~*~ a new haiku class every month ~*~
<>o<> Haiku 201 starts on April 5th<>o<>
~<>o<> Haiga starts on May 1st <>o<>~
Comment from Mark Schardine
You mind wonders and you think of the next possibility. Little by little a relationship begins, and it is astonishing to consider where it will lead, and you are eager to find out.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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You mind wonders and you think of the next possibility. Little by little a relationship begins, and it is astonishing to consider where it will lead, and you are eager to find out.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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Thank you, honey,
namaste,
Gypsy Haijin Sensei
Fanstory Instructor and poet
Member of the Haiku Society of America
~*~ a new haiku class every month ~*~
<>o<> Haiku 201 starts on April 5th<>o<>
~<>o<> Haiga starts on May 1st <>o<>~
Comment from Hitcher
It takes a good man, an attentive man to know which words to whisper when it comes to calming a woman's fears and soothing those tears while allowing her to disappear into his loving arms... a good man! Nice tanks my friend!
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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It takes a good man, an attentive man to know which words to whisper when it comes to calming a woman's fears and soothing those tears while allowing her to disappear into his loving arms... a good man! Nice tanks my friend!
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the review and kind words sweetie pie.
Gypsy
Comment from Sis Cat
Wow, Gypsy, this is a beautiful and romantic tanka. You make effective use of the ocean simile.
"lose my fears and tears
in your strong and warm embrace"
reminds me of losing ones fears and tears as one swims in the strong and warm embrace of the ocean. This poem is about giving in to love and passion. "Sweet words" are like a caress on the neck, inciting the mind to wonder.
This is quite an effective tanka. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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Wow, Gypsy, this is a beautiful and romantic tanka. You make effective use of the ocean simile.
"lose my fears and tears
in your strong and warm embrace"
reminds me of losing ones fears and tears as one swims in the strong and warm embrace of the ocean. This poem is about giving in to love and passion. "Sweet words" are like a caress on the neck, inciting the mind to wonder.
This is quite an effective tanka. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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Thank you very much, sweetie pie.
Namaste, my friend,
Gypsy Haijin Sensei
Fanstory Instructor and poet
Member of the Haiku Society of America
~*~ a new haiku class every month ~*~
<>o<> Haiku 201 starts on April 5th<>o<>
~<>o<> Haiga starts on May 1st <>o<>~
Comment from Sasha
This is so beautiful, you perfectly chosen words took me to a place I have not been for a long time. Marvelous in every way. Excellent, soothing sound of waves crashing onto the beach is a perfect accompaniment to this one too. I enjoyed this very much.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2017
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This is so beautiful, you perfectly chosen words took me to a place I have not been for a long time. Marvelous in every way. Excellent, soothing sound of waves crashing onto the beach is a perfect accompaniment to this one too. I enjoyed this very much.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2017
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review my tanka. :)
namaste,
Gypsy Haijin Sensei
Fanstory Instructor and poet
Member of the Haiku Society of America
~*~ a new haiku class every month ~*~
<>o<> Haiku 201 starts on April 5th<>o<>
~<>o<> Haiga starts on May 1st <>o<>~
