Al's Bar and Grill
Friends are forever27 total reviews
Comment from nuthead
Haha "wisdom of the day" indeed. Nice. Sets the tone of the story.
Fun analogy using the "If you give a mouse..." story referencing always wanting more. I've read all in the "Mouse" series (to kids and grandkids)!
Good and believable story-telling. I enjoyed. And LOL'd at the end when Mr Norris couldn't remember the question. Ha!
Small edit:
Half way smiling... (halfway is one word)
Enjoyed. :)
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Haha "wisdom of the day" indeed. Nice. Sets the tone of the story.
Fun analogy using the "If you give a mouse..." story referencing always wanting more. I've read all in the "Mouse" series (to kids and grandkids)!
Good and believable story-telling. I enjoyed. And LOL'd at the end when Mr Norris couldn't remember the question. Ha!
Small edit:
Half way smiling... (halfway is one word)
Enjoyed. :)
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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dear sjharshenin:
Thanks for reading "Al's Bar and Grill", and for your comments.
gsnewton75
Comment from frierajac
This is a very interesting dialogue. The writing just piques the imagination
enough to want to go on with the main character and see what's up with him.
I would like to see something like this with Will Roger(philosopher comedian) quotes.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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This is a very interesting dialogue. The writing just piques the imagination
enough to want to go on with the main character and see what's up with him.
I would like to see something like this with Will Roger(philosopher comedian) quotes.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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frierajac:
I started to use Will Roger's comments since I am from
Oklahoma but went with Yogi. Baseball in a Bar seemed
better.
Thanks, gsnewton75
Comment from c_lucas
Usually the fat lady has sung before I get my act together. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Usually the fat lady has sung before I get my act together. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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c lucas,
I'm glad you got it together. Thanks for your comments
and for reading my story. I appreciate it.
gsnewton75
Comment from pome lover
well, Mr Newton, this is just as cute as it can be! I thoroughly enjoyed it and will look forward to more of your posts (in between your honey-do jobs).
I loved the fact that your efforts went on and on so long you forgot your own question - the perfect ending. Deserves 6 in my book. great dialogue and banter.
good job.
Katharine - pome lover
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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well, Mr Newton, this is just as cute as it can be! I thoroughly enjoyed it and will look forward to more of your posts (in between your honey-do jobs).
I loved the fact that your efforts went on and on so long you forgot your own question - the perfect ending. Deserves 6 in my book. great dialogue and banter.
good job.
Katharine - pome lover
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Hi Katharine-pome lover:
Thank you for your very kind remarks, I appreciated what you had to say.
Thanks for reading the story.
gsnewton75
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you're most welcome
Comment from Thomas Bowling
A very good contest entry. I hope you do well. It is hard to win contests. The writing is so arbitrary. It takes skill and some luck.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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A very good contest entry. I hope you do well. It is hard to win contests. The writing is so arbitrary. It takes skill and some luck.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Dear Thomas Bowling:
Thank you for your well wishes.
I appreciated what you had to say and thank you for
reading the story.
Best regards,
gsnewton75
Comment from mbroyles2
Good little story with a thought provoking theme.
Howard Hughes, who at the time was the richest American, wad asked.
"How much money does it take to satisfy a man?"
His answer.
"Just a little more."
Love the Yogi lines.
They're a nice touch.
Michael
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Good little story with a thought provoking theme.
Howard Hughes, who at the time was the richest American, wad asked.
"How much money does it take to satisfy a man?"
His answer.
"Just a little more."
Love the Yogi lines.
They're a nice touch.
Michael
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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mbroyles2
Thanks for the Howard Hughes comment. Funny.
I appreciated you reading my story and what you had to say.
Cordially,
gsnewton75
Comment from apky
The five is for all the tummy-holding I had to do while I read. I'm terrible at humour and that's why I'm worse as a conversationalist.
The only thing is perhaps: you should check out the minor glitches and punctuation.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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The five is for all the tummy-holding I had to do while I read. I'm terrible at humour and that's why I'm worse as a conversationalist.
The only thing is perhaps: you should check out the minor glitches and punctuation.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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apky,
Thanks for your comments and for reading my story.
You make it fun to write.
Best regards,
gsnewton75
Comment from Jay Squires
Please don't take my first words the wrong way, but when I counted the nine reviews you received for such a short post, compared it to the eighteen views, then opened up the post ... I knew immediately why.
It's as though you grabbed a handful of words and hurled them--splat--against the screen. It was as though you had no concern that the reader would have an enjoyable experience. Yet I can't believe that's true. If you didn't want to be understood, you wouldn't write.
But consider this: It's difficult enough under the best of circumstances to swing your eyes back from the end of a line and not begin to read the same line again. Especially frustrating if it's dialogue and you need to keep track of who's speaking.
But many readers won't take it that far. They will take a moment to scroll down the page and discover there's no "breathing space." It feels almost claustrophobic.
So do yourself the favor of spacing between paragraphs. Let your story breathe. You're going to see far more people will read your writing. And why does one join FanStory unless one wants to develop a fan-base--people who won't miss a thing you write? Take a minute (it doesn't take much more on such a short post), and go into "edit" and space between paragraphs. Look at it yourself when properly spaced. Isn't it more inviting?
Now some specific concerns.
and right around the corner, from my office, was Al's Bar & Grill. [No comma needed after "corner." It applies the brakes when they're not necessary.]
Friends included Al, the bar tender owner- philosopher and a big Yogi Berra fan. [If I understand your intent it is "... the bartender-owner-philosopher ..." There should be no space before or after a hyphen. Also, "bartender" is a combined word.]
They were a fun group enjoyed life, were a laugh a minute, [Your comma use is rather erratic. In this sentence, you need one after "group."]
and that look on their face that said [on their FACES that said ...]
said Dino with that special grind he often wore. [... that special GRIN (?) he often word.]
or will we be like the mouse and want more?" "That's a tough one Mr. Norris," said Dino" [Even if you dug in your heels and decided not to space between paragraphs (LOL), you still MUST NEVER have two or more characters' dialogue in the same paragraph. Every time you change speakers, you must start another paragraph.]
You'll notice I gave you only four stars. That was because of the nits. It's not permanent, though. As soon as you let me know you've made the corrections I'll return your star. Fair enough?
**********************************************************
Here you go, friend. It was tearing a hole in my pocket and making it difficult to sit.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
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Please don't take my first words the wrong way, but when I counted the nine reviews you received for such a short post, compared it to the eighteen views, then opened up the post ... I knew immediately why.
It's as though you grabbed a handful of words and hurled them--splat--against the screen. It was as though you had no concern that the reader would have an enjoyable experience. Yet I can't believe that's true. If you didn't want to be understood, you wouldn't write.
But consider this: It's difficult enough under the best of circumstances to swing your eyes back from the end of a line and not begin to read the same line again. Especially frustrating if it's dialogue and you need to keep track of who's speaking.
But many readers won't take it that far. They will take a moment to scroll down the page and discover there's no "breathing space." It feels almost claustrophobic.
So do yourself the favor of spacing between paragraphs. Let your story breathe. You're going to see far more people will read your writing. And why does one join FanStory unless one wants to develop a fan-base--people who won't miss a thing you write? Take a minute (it doesn't take much more on such a short post), and go into "edit" and space between paragraphs. Look at it yourself when properly spaced. Isn't it more inviting?
Now some specific concerns.
and right around the corner, from my office, was Al's Bar & Grill. [No comma needed after "corner." It applies the brakes when they're not necessary.]
Friends included Al, the bar tender owner- philosopher and a big Yogi Berra fan. [If I understand your intent it is "... the bartender-owner-philosopher ..." There should be no space before or after a hyphen. Also, "bartender" is a combined word.]
They were a fun group enjoyed life, were a laugh a minute, [Your comma use is rather erratic. In this sentence, you need one after "group."]
and that look on their face that said [on their FACES that said ...]
said Dino with that special grind he often wore. [... that special GRIN (?) he often word.]
or will we be like the mouse and want more?" "That's a tough one Mr. Norris," said Dino" [Even if you dug in your heels and decided not to space between paragraphs (LOL), you still MUST NEVER have two or more characters' dialogue in the same paragraph. Every time you change speakers, you must start another paragraph.]
You'll notice I gave you only four stars. That was because of the nits. It's not permanent, though. As soon as you let me know you've made the corrections I'll return your star. Fair enough?
**********************************************************
Here you go, friend. It was tearing a hole in my pocket and making it difficult to sit.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
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What do you think now Jay Squires? Thanks for your comments, I always appreciate all the help I can get.
May I have more stars?
Cordially, gsnewton75
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I think you might want to take a look at the presentation here. Leaving a clear line between paragraphs improves things no end. It makes for a cleaner write and is easier to follow.
It may also be the case that you should be only using dialogue and not extra narrative although the rules are a little unclear around this point.
You may run close to the line as well in regard to well-known works. if the quotes don't feature as a well-known collection then it may get disqualified.
I also think that one of the characters is supposed to speak in nothing but quotes but I don't think you've done this entirely.
There is also some punctuation missing around the dialogue and speech tags.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Hi there,
I think you might want to take a look at the presentation here. Leaving a clear line between paragraphs improves things no end. It makes for a cleaner write and is easier to follow.
It may also be the case that you should be only using dialogue and not extra narrative although the rules are a little unclear around this point.
You may run close to the line as well in regard to well-known works. if the quotes don't feature as a well-known collection then it may get disqualified.
I also think that one of the characters is supposed to speak in nothing but quotes but I don't think you've done this entirely.
There is also some punctuation missing around the dialogue and speech tags.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 28-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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giraffmang
Thanks for your comments.
gsnewton77
Comment from oliver818
Nice story. I liked the different philosophical questions you included. It made a very interesting read and reminds me of some drunken evenings I've had. Thanks for sharing and have a great day!
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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Nice story. I liked the different philosophical questions you included. It made a very interesting read and reminds me of some drunken evenings I've had. Thanks for sharing and have a great day!
Comment Written 28-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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OLIVER 818
Appreciate your comments.
gsnewton77
