Al's Bar and Grill
Friends are forever27 total reviews
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Good beginning, funny ending, humorous gossiping and chit-chatting, passing remarks and talks in a lighter mood; sense of humour retained; gestural communication I liked.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
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Good beginning, funny ending, humorous gossiping and chit-chatting, passing remarks and talks in a lighter mood; sense of humour retained; gestural communication I liked.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
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Dear AL..........
Thanks for your comments, I appreciate it.
gsnewton77
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Alcreator Litt Dear
Thank you for the comments in the review.
I appreciated what you had to say.
Best wishes,
gsnewton75
Comment from jusylee72
Provoking questions with endless answers are indeed a great way to tell a story. I found your entry into this contest intriguing. The terrible experiments they did in the Nazi era did provide some medical knowledge later, but at what price. I wish the conversation didn't end so abruptly. It is a fascinating concept.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2017
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Provoking questions with endless answers are indeed a great way to tell a story. I found your entry into this contest intriguing. The terrible experiments they did in the Nazi era did provide some medical knowledge later, but at what price. I wish the conversation didn't end so abruptly. It is a fascinating concept.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2017
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I think this got sent to the wrong story.
My story, "Al's Bar and Grill" has nothing to do with World War II
gsnewton77
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I think you are right lol
Comment from dmt1967
This is a fun story but a thinking one as well. I like the feel of it... a man goes into a bar and puts a physiological question to his friends. It is different and quirky. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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This is a fun story but a thinking one as well. I like the feel of it... a man goes into a bar and puts a physiological question to his friends. It is different and quirky. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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dmt1967
Thanks for the review.
best wishes, gsn77
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dmt1967
Thank you for your comments.
I appreciate what you had to say.
gsnewton75
Comment from Heidi M
Lots of famous Yogi-isms make for a funny story.
I like how you set the scene with Mr. Norris anticipating time at the bar and grill.
Suggestion:
'that look on their face(s) that said we're glad'. The word 'faces' goes with 'their' so it needs to be plural.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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Lots of famous Yogi-isms make for a funny story.
I like how you set the scene with Mr. Norris anticipating time at the bar and grill.
Suggestion:
'that look on their face(s) that said we're glad'. The word 'faces' goes with 'their' so it needs to be plural.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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Heidi M
Thanks for your comments.
Best Wishes,
gsnewton77
Comment from Ulla
Hi there, this well written and entertaining. So a bunch of friends are meeting up and on come up with quote, and everybody are struggling. Good luck in the contest. All best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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Hi there, this well written and entertaining. So a bunch of friends are meeting up and on come up with quote, and everybody are struggling. Good luck in the contest. All best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 01-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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ULLA,
Thanks for the review. I APPRECIATE what you have to say.
gsnewton77
Comment from LaRosa
I enjoyed the bar-banter. You showed, in easy-flow speech and logic, how logic can dissipate and change while buddies drink. Loved it.
On the other hand, perhaps you might consider the following suggestions:
"I don't know," said Al. "you've got to be very careful(.) If you don't know where you're going(,) you might not get there."
(OR)
"you've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going. You might not get there."
Otherwise it's run-together thoughts that sound a bit confusing and the
reader stops to go back and re-look.
Dino chimed in, "That's deep."
Then Carlo contributed, "If preachers...to be reality(,) I say...
"...do you guys believe evil is..." (You don't need the comma)
"They were hesitating(,) so I thought... (the comma shows the speaker's hesitation
in speech)
"In other words(,) can some good come from evil?"
...said Big Al. "How can you think and hit at the same time?"
I can see that since Yogi has been quoted a couple of times, that you are
tempted to make all statements a direct quote; therefore you have a confusion
about how many end-quote marks to use.
In this case, you might simply just use the regular " mark to designate how
Big Al is thinking. Everyone understands that it is originally Yogi's concept.
Just my thoughts...
Then again, in the next Yogi Idea, you might try:
Big Al spoke up. "Yogi says it ain't over till it's over!"
I'm sorry for the 4Stars. I think that if you make some improvements in punctuation, they'll let me change the rating. ?? Send it back to me, and I'll give it a try. :)
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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I enjoyed the bar-banter. You showed, in easy-flow speech and logic, how logic can dissipate and change while buddies drink. Loved it.
On the other hand, perhaps you might consider the following suggestions:
"I don't know," said Al. "you've got to be very careful(.) If you don't know where you're going(,) you might not get there."
(OR)
"you've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going. You might not get there."
Otherwise it's run-together thoughts that sound a bit confusing and the
reader stops to go back and re-look.
Dino chimed in, "That's deep."
Then Carlo contributed, "If preachers...to be reality(,) I say...
"...do you guys believe evil is..." (You don't need the comma)
"They were hesitating(,) so I thought... (the comma shows the speaker's hesitation
in speech)
"In other words(,) can some good come from evil?"
...said Big Al. "How can you think and hit at the same time?"
I can see that since Yogi has been quoted a couple of times, that you are
tempted to make all statements a direct quote; therefore you have a confusion
about how many end-quote marks to use.
In this case, you might simply just use the regular " mark to designate how
Big Al is thinking. Everyone understands that it is originally Yogi's concept.
Just my thoughts...
Then again, in the next Yogi Idea, you might try:
Big Al spoke up. "Yogi says it ain't over till it's over!"
I'm sorry for the 4Stars. I think that if you make some improvements in punctuation, they'll let me change the rating. ?? Send it back to me, and I'll give it a try. :)
Comment Written 01-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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Some of this are Yogi Berra comments known as yougisms.
Thanks for the review.
gsnewton77
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Yay, for Yogi Berra! Heard of him, just not a BB aficionado and don't remember his record(s)... now I'll hafta look him up! :)
Comment from Nikki-Nicole
Free of grammatical errors!
Two thumbs up for the selection of artwork! The title, 'Al's Bar and Grill', is a perfect match for the portrait. Your description, 'Friends are forever' sums up the entire material. Great dialogue! I see no need for improvement. Very well-written work! This makes me think of the song, 'It's Five O'clock Somewhere'. Thank you for sharing this. Good luck with future writings!
Nicole
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Free of grammatical errors!
Two thumbs up for the selection of artwork! The title, 'Al's Bar and Grill', is a perfect match for the portrait. Your description, 'Friends are forever' sums up the entire material. Great dialogue! I see no need for improvement. Very well-written work! This makes me think of the song, 'It's Five O'clock Somewhere'. Thank you for sharing this. Good luck with future writings!
Nicole
Comment Written 01-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Hi Nikki-Nicole
Thank you for reading my story and for your very nice comments.
gsnewton77
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Interesting topic and would like to hear them say more.
around the corner from my office, was Al's Bar & Grill <-- Remove comma.
preachers say, God and heaven require faith <-- Remove comma.
"Dino chimed in, that's deep!" <-- Wrong punctuation; use this:
Dino chimed in, "That's deep!"
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Interesting topic and would like to hear them say more.
around the corner from my office, was Al's Bar & Grill <-- Remove comma.
preachers say, God and heaven require faith <-- Remove comma.
"Dino chimed in, that's deep!" <-- Wrong punctuation; use this:
Dino chimed in, "That's deep!"
Comment Written 31-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Phyllis Stewart
Thanks for reading the story and for your comments.
gsnewton
Comment from emptypage
I'm not sure what the dialogue challenge was or is, so I can't judge on that basis, but, in general terms, your dialogue is good and moves the story along nicely.
You've got a lot of unnecessary commas throughout this piece.
Not sure what the point was of all the deep questions, but I LoL Ed at "give a mouse a cookie." Funny reference.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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I'm not sure what the dialogue challenge was or is, so I can't judge on that basis, but, in general terms, your dialogue is good and moves the story along nicely.
You've got a lot of unnecessary commas throughout this piece.
Not sure what the point was of all the deep questions, but I LoL Ed at "give a mouse a cookie." Funny reference.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Hi emptypage:
Thank you for your comments in the review.
I appreciate what you had to say.
gsnewton75
Comment from Mabaker
That was well written I liked it. It had just the right amount of nasty and enough story so it wasn't all horrible. Well done. No mistakes that I could see. Good story. Sincerely Mabaker.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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That was well written I liked it. It had just the right amount of nasty and enough story so it wasn't all horrible. Well done. No mistakes that I could see. Good story. Sincerely Mabaker.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Mabaker,
Thank you for the comments. I appreciate your review.
gsnewton75
