Haiku Club Challenge Multi-Author
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "haiku(yellow flower-heads)"A collection of haiku written by FanStory Poets
12 total reviews
Comment from Irish Rain
What a beautiful haiku! 'golden oil'...I never would have thought of that. This is lovely artwork to compliment this too. I can actually 'feel' August in this haiku!! Blessings...
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2017
  |
What a beautiful haiku! 'golden oil'...I never would have thought of that. This is lovely artwork to compliment this too. I can actually 'feel' August in this haiku!! Blessings...
Comment Written 28-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2017
-
Thank you so much. How pleased I am. All the best. Ulla:)))
-
You're most welcome!
Comment from mountainwriter49
Second Review: 5
First Review: 4
Ulla,
This is so much better! I've restored the 5th star.
Ray
Good Morning, Ulla,
I enjoyed reading your haiku and liked the 'sense' of it. For me, I could see an endless field of sunflowers on a bright, sunny day. You're spot-on with two grammatically connected lines, juxtaposition of two concrete images and an excellent satori.
May I offer some suggestions for you to consider?
When I was studying haiku, I learned there is a technique to using simile successfully in haiku. According to the late Jane Reichhold, simile can be used but drop the 'as' or 'like' as we are accustomed to using in Western poetry. Here's what she has to say about it:
"The Technique of Simile - Usually in English you know a simile is coming when you spot the words "as" and "like". Occasionally one will find in a haiku the use of a simile with these words still wrapped around it, but the Japanese have proved to us that this is totally unnecessary. From them we have learned that it is enough to put two images in juxtaposition (next to each other) to let the reader figure out the "as" and "like" for him/herself. So basically the unspoken rule is that you can use simile (which the rule-sayers warn against) if you are smart enough to simply drop the "as" and "like". Besides, by doing this you give the reader some active part that makes him or her feel very smart when they discover the simile for him/herself." [Reichhold, Jane. Haiku Techniques, http://www.ahapoetry.com/haiartjr.htm]
You have simile in line two using 'like.' Perhaps a small tweak might resolve this? Here's one idea to get you thinking.
sway in gentle waves in the breeze
Just as a matter of style, haiku should only use punctuation when absolutely necessary. For instance, the hyphen in line one, flower-heads, is necessary. The two hyphens in line two are not needed. For me, they seem as a distraction.
My rating is because of the overt simile--using 'like.' Please let me know if you make edits and I'll be glad to return and revise the stars to the well deserved five.
Respectfully,
Ray
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
|
Second Review: 5
First Review: 4
Ulla,
This is so much better! I've restored the 5th star.
Ray
Good Morning, Ulla,
I enjoyed reading your haiku and liked the 'sense' of it. For me, I could see an endless field of sunflowers on a bright, sunny day. You're spot-on with two grammatically connected lines, juxtaposition of two concrete images and an excellent satori.
May I offer some suggestions for you to consider?
When I was studying haiku, I learned there is a technique to using simile successfully in haiku. According to the late Jane Reichhold, simile can be used but drop the 'as' or 'like' as we are accustomed to using in Western poetry. Here's what she has to say about it:
"The Technique of Simile - Usually in English you know a simile is coming when you spot the words "as" and "like". Occasionally one will find in a haiku the use of a simile with these words still wrapped around it, but the Japanese have proved to us that this is totally unnecessary. From them we have learned that it is enough to put two images in juxtaposition (next to each other) to let the reader figure out the "as" and "like" for him/herself. So basically the unspoken rule is that you can use simile (which the rule-sayers warn against) if you are smart enough to simply drop the "as" and "like". Besides, by doing this you give the reader some active part that makes him or her feel very smart when they discover the simile for him/herself." [Reichhold, Jane. Haiku Techniques, http://www.ahapoetry.com/haiartjr.htm]
You have simile in line two using 'like.' Perhaps a small tweak might resolve this? Here's one idea to get you thinking.
sway in gentle waves in the breeze
Just as a matter of style, haiku should only use punctuation when absolutely necessary. For instance, the hyphen in line one, flower-heads, is necessary. The two hyphens in line two are not needed. For me, they seem as a distraction.
My rating is because of the overt simile--using 'like.' Please let me know if you make edits and I'll be glad to return and revise the stars to the well deserved five.
Respectfully,
Ray
Comment Written 28-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
-
Hello Ray, Thanks so much for your great review. Wow, I'm learning all the time. It's strange, though, there was something I didn't like about my haiku and you've pinpointed it. I didn't like the 'like' either, but couldn't see what else to do. Thanks for showing the way, and I will go and read the site you've provided.
I've made the edits and taken the liberty to use your suggestion. I hope it reads better now. Kind regards. Ulla:))
-
Second Review: 5
First Review: 4
Ulla,
This is so much better! I've restored the 5th star.
Ray
-
Thank you so much Ray. I'm off to the website now. Thanks again. Ulla:))
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
O, you must be talking about canola, Kerry. We have large fields of it in Australia too. You are getting quite skilled at writing haiku, now. Did you do the course with Gypsy? I may have to do one to stay in touch with what is current, Giddy
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
|
O, you must be talking about canola, Kerry. We have large fields of it in Australia too. You are getting quite skilled at writing haiku, now. Did you do the course with Gypsy? I may have to do one to stay in touch with what is current, Giddy
Comment Written 28-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
-
Thanks a lot, Giddy. I don't know whether they are the same. I'm talking about sunflowers and the oil made from them. No I haven't taken any classes but I try to learn from all the great feedback I'm getting. I would love to take a class though. Ulla:)))
Comment from Douglas Paul
I think you did a pretty good job on this one, my friend. The imagery in the first two lines is clear and the satori has the aha moment of insight into the meaning of the first two lines
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
|
I think you did a pretty good job on this one, my friend. The imagery in the first two lines is clear and the satori has the aha moment of insight into the meaning of the first two lines
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
-
Thanks a lot Douglas. So glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Sasha
I took a moment while Linda is out to do a bit of reviewing. Lovely work with this one. You are truly becoming a master with the haiku. Beautiful illustration to go with this one too. I especially like that you step out of the box and use less syllables than most others use. As I said, very nice work with this one.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
|
I took a moment while Linda is out to do a bit of reviewing. Lovely work with this one. You are truly becoming a master with the haiku. Beautiful illustration to go with this one too. I especially like that you step out of the box and use less syllables than most others use. As I said, very nice work with this one.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
-
Wow, Sasha, I'm so pleased. Thank you very much. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Bill Schott
This haiku, Yellow Flower Heads, creates a majestic scene where onecan imagine the huge fild of the yellow blooms swaying with the breeze. Nice.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
|
This haiku, Yellow Flower Heads, creates a majestic scene where onecan imagine the huge fild of the yellow blooms swaying with the breeze. Nice.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
-
Thanks alot, Bill. So glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from rspoet
This is a fine haiku for the challenge
with excellent visual imagery with the flower heads
and the breeze, plus good connection in the present tense
Golden oil is an different satori line
referring, perhaps, to the sunflower oil
Excellent art work to match
Nicely done
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
|
This is a fine haiku for the challenge
with excellent visual imagery with the flower heads
and the breeze, plus good connection in the present tense
Golden oil is an different satori line
referring, perhaps, to the sunflower oil
Excellent art work to match
Nicely done
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
-
Thank you so very much. I'm so pleased you liked it. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
yellow flower-heads <>sway like gentle waves in the breeze
golden oil
Hola, guapa,
your connection is strong and facilitates smooth flow throughout the poem. The satori is an observation of the color. I would add a kireji for pause.
yellow flower-heads
sway like gentle waves in the breeze --
golden oil
Well done!
besitos y abazos de tu amigua MariVal
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
|
yellow flower-heads <>sway like gentle waves in the breeze
golden oil
Hola, guapa,
your connection is strong and facilitates smooth flow throughout the poem. The satori is an observation of the color. I would add a kireji for pause.
yellow flower-heads
sway like gentle waves in the breeze --
golden oil
Well done!
besitos y abazos de tu amigua MariVal
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
-
Hola Guapa. Muchisimas gracias. So glad you liked it. I've mad some correction to it. Besitos de tu amiga Ulla:)))
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Very nice artwork.
-Format is good.
-Imagery is good, esp. in line two.
-I like the comparison with 'gentle waves.'
-Satori is good,as well:
-The sunflower is very useful for the oil in many ways.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
|
-Very nice artwork.
-Format is good.
-Imagery is good, esp. in line two.
-I like the comparison with 'gentle waves.'
-Satori is good,as well:
-The sunflower is very useful for the oil in many ways.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
-
Hi Pam thank you so much for your great review. How pleased I am. All the best. Ulla:)))
-
You are very welcome, Ulla, and I am glad you are pleased.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Everybody is getting into the haiku frenzy, and I must say that I'm enjoying every one I read. So much said with so few words, and a quick reward for the readers, like me. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
|
Everybody is getting into the haiku frenzy, and I must say that I'm enjoying every one I read. So much said with so few words, and a quick reward for the readers, like me. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
-
Thanks a lot, Ric, for another great review. I really do enjoy to write them. All the best. Ulla:))
