Tanka Waka
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Tanka (Wild Horses)"A collection of Japanese short poetry
14 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Kerry,
Beautiful presentation and the theme is lovely. I adore Native American culture.
Your tanka is a good tanka but it can be better with a little work.
Wild horses
Run across vast plains
In the west
Natives saw them as
Symbols of spirit world
Your tanka reads as a sentence and that is okay but it doesn't have any emotion or mood... it would be more poetic if you made it more personable. For example...
Wild horses
Run across vast plains
and the brave Natives
run after them to capture
their companion honorably .... or something like that. You see the difference?
Take care,
Gypsy
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Hello, Kerry,
Beautiful presentation and the theme is lovely. I adore Native American culture.
Your tanka is a good tanka but it can be better with a little work.
Wild horses
Run across vast plains
In the west
Natives saw them as
Symbols of spirit world
Your tanka reads as a sentence and that is okay but it doesn't have any emotion or mood... it would be more poetic if you made it more personable. For example...
Wild horses
Run across vast plains
and the brave Natives
run after them to capture
their companion honorably .... or something like that. You see the difference?
Take care,
Gypsy
Comment Written 31-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Thank you Gypsy, I appreciate your review. and help to make it better. I shall re-do it.
Comment from Lu Saluna
For your first Tanka it turned out quite well. Your first three lines are great, the are written like a haiku, "in the here and now."
Your pivotal line, "In the west" works for lines 1,2 and 3. But then you switch to past tense for lines 3,4 and 5.
These lines should also be written in the here and now, present tense.
Like this:
In the west
Native see them as
Symbols of the spirit world - added "the" for smoothness.
See what you think.
Great job on your first go!
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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For your first Tanka it turned out quite well. Your first three lines are great, the are written like a haiku, "in the here and now."
Your pivotal line, "In the west" works for lines 1,2 and 3. But then you switch to past tense for lines 3,4 and 5.
These lines should also be written in the here and now, present tense.
Like this:
In the west
Native see them as
Symbols of the spirit world - added "the" for smoothness.
See what you think.
Great job on your first go!
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2017
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Thank you Lu, Ya know I was not sure about present or past, Dean thought the present, We were talking about it on chat, Gypsy had said it can be either way, that it was fine. but I suppose most believe it should be present time. Past can be done as well. Honestly when I wrote it the thought of past or present didn't even cross my mind, lol all I knew was 5 lines with a pivotal one , ha. I suppose I should keep it one or the other though. Hope your doing well. ~Kerry
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Gypsy is probably right about it being either past or present. But I would not change the tense. I am fine the big day isn't until Monday. Then I will be sore for a few days. It will be fine :-))
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I wish you the best Lu.
Comment from marybell1
I liked your choice for a tanka and you chose a lovely photo for your poem. Unfortunately he rules for a tanka is a poem consisting of five lines. The first line has five syllables. The second line has seven syllables. The third line has five syllables and lines four and five have seven syllables. You could add words to each of your lines to make up the correct number of syllables as you have a good basis for a tanka.
Best of luck.
Marybell1.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
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I liked your choice for a tanka and you chose a lovely photo for your poem. Unfortunately he rules for a tanka is a poem consisting of five lines. The first line has five syllables. The second line has seven syllables. The third line has five syllables and lines four and five have seven syllables. You could add words to each of your lines to make up the correct number of syllables as you have a good basis for a tanka.
Best of luck.
Marybell1.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
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I would kindly ask for you to re-review this piece, I am not in a 5-7-5-7-7 contest, it was for fun and practice, my rules are clearly followed, I copied and pasted some info, I am still learning to insert links. You can also verify with Gypsy Blue Rose. or Tanka society of america..
tell them
she is enjoying the view
of the moon
a pink gossamer robe
barely covering her body
Yosano Akiko
After the romantic movement of Akiko, other movements emerged, one even led by the famous Haiku artist Masaoka Shiki kept the form vital and new through the nineteenth, twentieth and even into the twenty-first century. Many other forms of Japanese poetry find their origin within the thirty-one syllable waka. The tanka form has evolved from the original form so now, waka typically refers to the earlier poems and the more modern poetry is called tanka.
When writing tanka, poets should consider the basic syllabic pattern, which is similar to haiku in the 5-7-5 for, but tanka follows with an additional two lines 7-7. "While haiku depends largely on the evocative power of images for its poetic effect, tanka tends to be more lyrical and expresses emotion in a wider variety of ways, not excluding imagist techniques." (1) Tanka is not as restrictive as haiku since it doesn't need a seasonal reference or a kireji (cutting word).
It should be remembered that, like haiku and other Japanese forms, when syllables are referred to they are talking about the Japanese Onji, a part of speech similar to English syllables but shorter. For instance, a single syllable word like "lake" in English would actually take two or three onji to pronounce. So, just like most writers of English language haiku these days will shorten the form to less than 17 syllables to more closely match the Japanese original, Tanka is often shortened to less than 31 syllables. The Japanese 5-7-5-7-7 Tanka form will translate into something like 3-5-3-5-5 or 2-4-3-4-4 in English syllables. Like when writing haiku, the point here is that a rigid adherence to the syllable breakdown is not what makes the tanka.
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Soory to offend. I read your explanation. I only follow the rules as set out by FanStory. So to me a 5-7-5 must be 5-7-5.
Best of luck.
Sincerely
Marybell1.
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It is ok you should read .all the print for example on the Fan Story Tanka. 5-7-5 is a guide. not required. And this is for Gypsy's book challenge. If you do not care to change it, I will contact fan Story to remove a false comment. Have a Blessed night.
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Why dont you also take a look at the book it's posted for the Tanka Waka, Let me know what you see?http://www.fanstory.com/mycontests.jsp
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I go by FanStory rules.
Marybell1.
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You must have comprehension disorder, And not read correctly. Go to Tanka contest on Fan Story, (This format is not required, but a guide.) I am not in contest, but if I were It states this clearly in the rules. I do not have time to waste educating you to read.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Didn't the Indians have some wonderful beliefs, Kerry? I think we can learn a lot about life by learning these things from our ancestors, not just in America but then countries like Australia too. What a fantastic picture of the horses, Giddy
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
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Didn't the Indians have some wonderful beliefs, Kerry? I think we can learn a lot about life by learning these things from our ancestors, not just in America but then countries like Australia too. What a fantastic picture of the horses, Giddy
Comment Written 28-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2017
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Thanks Giddy that was very sweet.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Hello my friend I am no expert at these either but I would adjust the closing line to something like roaming free spirits or free spirits roaming just a suggestion regards Jill
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017
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Hello my friend I am no expert at these either but I would adjust the closing line to something like roaming free spirits or free spirits roaming just a suggestion regards Jill
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Jill. I appreciate your review and suggestions. Your right it could use an adjustment perhaps. I will hopefully get to it tonight, as I'm working many writing pieces at the moment. I may just rewrite completely. Thank you again, just learning the tanka.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Hey, Kerry.
Nice job on your first attempt on writing a tanka.
I really liked the topic you chose to write about here. Wild horses epitomize the spirit of freedom.
One suggestion; you might want to find a way to make the entire tanka be written in present tense.
For example:
Wild horses
traverse plush green plains
of the old West.
A tiny Indian girl
sees spirits blown by the wind...
...or something to that effect.
Make us "feel" what she's feeling... and "see" what she's seeing...
Anyhow, excellent writing...
Hugs!
~Dean :)
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017
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Hey, Kerry.
Nice job on your first attempt on writing a tanka.
I really liked the topic you chose to write about here. Wild horses epitomize the spirit of freedom.
One suggestion; you might want to find a way to make the entire tanka be written in present tense.
For example:
Wild horses
traverse plush green plains
of the old West.
A tiny Indian girl
sees spirits blown by the wind...
...or something to that effect.
Make us "feel" what she's feeling... and "see" what she's seeing...
Anyhow, excellent writing...
Hugs!
~Dean :)
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017
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I just woke up. Thank you so much Dean, Wow yours was beautiful, I did not know it was in the presence (no one told me that one) lol I'm stealing your pictures there so pretty. Practice will make perfect with great mentors like you and Gypsy.
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Don't mention it, Kerry. That's why we're here, to help each other learn and to learn from one another as well...if we're wise and remain open-minded.
Hugs, my dear!
Happy Monday...
~Dean
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Happy Tuesday now, lol I'm a late responder today, It has been one of those days.:)
Comment from ronnie k
Kerry I have had so much trouble in identifying styles that I gave in to rating style and I now rely on that part of my heart that loves poetry and let it say, I am satisfied, excellent.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017
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Kerry I have had so much trouble in identifying styles that I gave in to rating style and I now rely on that part of my heart that loves poetry and let it say, I am satisfied, excellent.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017
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That you so much Ronnie
Comment from patcelaw
Kerry, I like the smoothness of your words as you tell the story of the wild horses and the natives. May you have a blessed week. Patricia
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017
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Kerry, I like the smoothness of your words as you tell the story of the wild horses and the natives. May you have a blessed week. Patricia
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017
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Thank you Patricia you too.
Comment from Rasmine
It's good. I don't know much about Tanka poems, but I know what I like. :) Good job! It paints an image of running wild horses running free over the plains without the picture. I see mountains and a running stream, where they stop and drink. Thank you, for the image of nature in the morning. I needed this after dumping a jerk on FaceBook that messed with me. LOL, some men are a dime a dozen.
TC
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017
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It's good. I don't know much about Tanka poems, but I know what I like. :) Good job! It paints an image of running wild horses running free over the plains without the picture. I see mountains and a running stream, where they stop and drink. Thank you, for the image of nature in the morning. I needed this after dumping a jerk on FaceBook that messed with me. LOL, some men are a dime a dozen.
TC
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017
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Thank you Rasmine, Your shouldn't worry about people on face book, Find a man who you can see and speak with; Its mostly trash media.
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No, this guy is in real life, just a jerk a bit.
Comment from Mustang Patty
I'm not an expert on Tankas, so I'm not sure I know how to judge this from the view of its poetic form. My definition says it should have a 5/7/5/7/7 format - but I can't see why 3/5/3/5/5 doesn't work, too. I do know that the piece reads well, and tells a cohesive story with just a few words. Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017
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I'm not an expert on Tankas, so I'm not sure I know how to judge this from the view of its poetic form. My definition says it should have a 5/7/5/7/7 format - but I can't see why 3/5/3/5/5 doesn't work, too. I do know that the piece reads well, and tells a cohesive story with just a few words. Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017
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Thank you Patty, As long as its :short/long/short/long/long no more then 31 syllables. The third line acts as a pivot line. I am just learning it myself.
