Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Chapter Sieben part eine"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
35 total reviews
Comment from dweigt
Another good installment. I like how you are developing a little conflict and tension between Drew and Shana.
"There's no big secret," admitted Jane. -- I don't think admitted works here. If there had been a big secret, then she would be admitting it. I'd prefer "assured", if you want to avoid "said".
"Calm down." Anderson's eyes met hers. -- Does Shana react to this? I'm told that people HATE being told to calm down. It implies their concerns are not warranted, or that they are acting irrationally.
Somebody suggested, I think it was Drew that we needed to figure out -- I think you need a comma after "Drew". -- Somebody suggested, I think it was Drew, that we needed to figure out
Philip laughed. "Shana's right it's not funny." -- Then I'm not sure he should laugh. It almost sounds as though he is mocking her, and I'm sure that's not your intent.
It sounds as though you are about to shift scenes out of the penthouse. Good. It feels like there has been a lot of talking over meals. It will be a good change of pace.
Keep writing!
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Another good installment. I like how you are developing a little conflict and tension between Drew and Shana.
"There's no big secret," admitted Jane. -- I don't think admitted works here. If there had been a big secret, then she would be admitting it. I'd prefer "assured", if you want to avoid "said".
"Calm down." Anderson's eyes met hers. -- Does Shana react to this? I'm told that people HATE being told to calm down. It implies their concerns are not warranted, or that they are acting irrationally.
Somebody suggested, I think it was Drew that we needed to figure out -- I think you need a comma after "Drew". -- Somebody suggested, I think it was Drew, that we needed to figure out
Philip laughed. "Shana's right it's not funny." -- Then I'm not sure he should laugh. It almost sounds as though he is mocking her, and I'm sure that's not your intent.
It sounds as though you are about to shift scenes out of the penthouse. Good. It feels like there has been a lot of talking over meals. It will be a good change of pace.
Keep writing!
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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I have made the corrections. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from DLBoo
Very interesting! I found your composition to be very well written for the most part. I did find a few areas that I may have put comas after a persons name. For instance the sentence that begins- 'I think it was Drew that we needed- I would have put a coma after Drew. If you were to say this sentence out loud you would most likely take a breath here, hence the coma.
I would to read previous chapters of this book just to catch up and I eagerly await the next posting for the book.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Very interesting! I found your composition to be very well written for the most part. I did find a few areas that I may have put comas after a persons name. For instance the sentence that begins- 'I think it was Drew that we needed- I would have put a coma after Drew. If you were to say this sentence out loud you would most likely take a breath here, hence the coma.
I would to read previous chapters of this book just to catch up and I eagerly await the next posting for the book.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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I have a person who's an expert on commas who always reviews me. I'll see what she says. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Barbara Here we have another chapter to add to the growing suspense, my friend. It seems Anderson, with all of his money and influence, is somewhat of a know-it-all, isn't he?
Suggestions: You should always start a chapter with a good "hook" to engage the reader, just as you should have a closing "hook" to draw interest to continuing to the next chapter. In this chapter I hardly think the opening line is a thought-provoking hook: "Philip took a sip of water. "Jeremy is Jane's second-cousin twice removed."
And: This sentence is grammatically poor. " What I don't know is what does he have to do with me?" Shana set her fork beside her plate." Try, "What I want to know is what, if anything, he has to do with me?"
I also noticed that you are going over the top so to speak on detail. some detail is totally unneccessary, like this for instance: " Shana set her fork beside her plate." (too much of stuff like that, I think)
Good chapter, Barbara. Just cut back on the insignificant details. Highlight the ones that really show good images and are necessary. Blessings, Bob
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Hi, Barbara Here we have another chapter to add to the growing suspense, my friend. It seems Anderson, with all of his money and influence, is somewhat of a know-it-all, isn't he?
Suggestions: You should always start a chapter with a good "hook" to engage the reader, just as you should have a closing "hook" to draw interest to continuing to the next chapter. In this chapter I hardly think the opening line is a thought-provoking hook: "Philip took a sip of water. "Jeremy is Jane's second-cousin twice removed."
And: This sentence is grammatically poor. " What I don't know is what does he have to do with me?" Shana set her fork beside her plate." Try, "What I want to know is what, if anything, he has to do with me?"
I also noticed that you are going over the top so to speak on detail. some detail is totally unneccessary, like this for instance: " Shana set her fork beside her plate." (too much of stuff like that, I think)
Good chapter, Barbara. Just cut back on the insignificant details. Highlight the ones that really show good images and are necessary. Blessings, Bob
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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I made the necessary changes. I will work on the opening. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Lu Saluna
The dialogue is very well written. The story is also moving along at a good pace with good plot development. I am interested to find out if the undercover cop will be able to assist with obtaining information about the Russian Mob.
Another fine chapter. As always, I am looking forward to the next one.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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The dialogue is very well written. The story is also moving along at a good pace with good plot development. I am interested to find out if the undercover cop will be able to assist with obtaining information about the Russian Mob.
Another fine chapter. As always, I am looking forward to the next one.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from rama devi
Another well paced, dialog-fueled fine chapter with good characterization and fine details, especially in action tags, etc. A few spags/suggestions noted below.
NOTES:
Good line:
"Then what does he have to do indirectly with me?"
*
Suggest a contraction here:
"What's the big secret everybody is tiptoeing around?"
"What's the big secret everybody's tiptoeing around?"
"Earlier this evening(,) we discussed how we were going to help you get your painting back. Somebody suggested, I think it was Drew(,) that we needed to figure out exactly why this painting is so important to this Morozov man.
*
"If that's the case, maybe he could use a different painting and give yours back." Smiled Jane.
reverse syntax here does not work well, in my opinion. It makes the action verb seem like it's trying ot pretend to be a speech tag. Suggest:
"If that's the case, maybe he could use a different painting and give yours back." Jane smiled.
*He chuckled and changed his voice,(.) "Excuse me, Mr. Russian Mafia man.
*
Philip laughed. "Shana's right(; or, or .) it's not funny."
Hope that helps.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Another well paced, dialog-fueled fine chapter with good characterization and fine details, especially in action tags, etc. A few spags/suggestions noted below.
NOTES:
Good line:
"Then what does he have to do indirectly with me?"
*
Suggest a contraction here:
"What's the big secret everybody is tiptoeing around?"
"What's the big secret everybody's tiptoeing around?"
"Earlier this evening(,) we discussed how we were going to help you get your painting back. Somebody suggested, I think it was Drew(,) that we needed to figure out exactly why this painting is so important to this Morozov man.
*
"If that's the case, maybe he could use a different painting and give yours back." Smiled Jane.
reverse syntax here does not work well, in my opinion. It makes the action verb seem like it's trying ot pretend to be a speech tag. Suggest:
"If that's the case, maybe he could use a different painting and give yours back." Jane smiled.
*He chuckled and changed his voice,(.) "Excuse me, Mr. Russian Mafia man.
*
Philip laughed. "Shana's right(; or, or .) it's not funny."
Hope that helps.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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I have made the corrections. I really do appreciate your reviews and I look forward to them.
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Thanks. I cannot review as often as before...just intermittently. My activity here is decreasing more and more, actually...but I'll visit on occasion.
Comment from Sasha
Great dialogue in this one. I am curious to see if Shana and Anderson will be able to agree on how to proceed. Thinking the Mafia would be even interested in making a deal is absurd, the mafia doesn't make deals. Great work with this one. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Great dialogue in this one. I am curious to see if Shana and Anderson will be able to agree on how to proceed. Thinking the Mafia would be even interested in making a deal is absurd, the mafia doesn't make deals. Great work with this one. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Mrs. Wilkey,
I like your poem but it sounds dangerous to me. I think talking to the new owner would be a good idea. I would let him know the painting is stolen. That way he could pay for the painting.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Hello, Mrs. Wilkey,
I like your poem but it sounds dangerous to me. I think talking to the new owner would be a good idea. I would let him know the painting is stolen. That way he could pay for the painting.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Sounds far too dangerous to me. I would talk to the new "owner" though and let him know the painting is stolen goods, as if he didn't know that already. Maybe he could pay for the painting.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Sounds far too dangerous to me. I would talk to the new "owner" though and let him know the painting is stolen goods, as if he didn't know that already. Maybe he could pay for the painting.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
An interesting snippet of what sounds like a great story Barbara, I shall look forward to reading more from you, kind regards, Dolly x
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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An interesting snippet of what sounds like a great story Barbara, I shall look forward to reading more from you, kind regards, Dolly x
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Hello my friend your character Shauna has a right to be concerned but I don't think that Anderson will put her in any danger he is going to a lot of trouble but this has to be done to protect her I enjoyed look forward to the next instalment regards Jill
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017
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Hello my friend your character Shauna has a right to be concerned but I don't think that Anderson will put her in any danger he is going to a lot of trouble but this has to be done to protect her I enjoyed look forward to the next instalment regards Jill
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the encouragement. I appreciate it.
