Gone
What happens when the President's daughter is kidnapped?13 total reviews
Comment from kahpot
Being a novel reader, not a novel writer Yes, please continue I have been reading on fanstory and this is great and admittedly I am very glad to be at the beginning of a good one I am already on bronsons side****kahpot
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017
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Being a novel reader, not a novel writer Yes, please continue I have been reading on fanstory and this is great and admittedly I am very glad to be at the beginning of a good one I am already on bronsons side****kahpot
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2017
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I am delighted you are already rooting for Bronson and want to read more of "Gone." Your response definitely encourages me to continue the story. Rod
Comment from Bill Schott
This was a terrific accounting of what might happen in a situation like this. No one is simply believed but interrogated and made to remember. As a short story it would leave us with only the narrator's incident and circumstance to deal with, as the rest of the story would be superfluous to that. As the beginning chapter of a thriller it would be very effective, I think.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2017
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This was a terrific accounting of what might happen in a situation like this. No one is simply believed but interrogated and made to remember. As a short story it would leave us with only the narrator's incident and circumstance to deal with, as the rest of the story would be superfluous to that. As the beginning chapter of a thriller it would be very effective, I think.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2017
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Hi Bill. I am really thrilled you like "gone" so much and think it could be an effective thriller. Thanks so much for the high praise and super rating. Rod
Comment from MelB
Hi Rod, this is a great contest entry and would make an interesting story. I was curious what happened. How he lost the girl. How he was shot. How he ended up where he is. So many unanswered questions. I liked the acronym too.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Hi Rod, this is a great contest entry and would make an interesting story. I was curious what happened. How he lost the girl. How he was shot. How he ended up where he is. So many unanswered questions. I liked the acronym too.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Hi Mel. I am delighted the story intrigues you, and you want more, especially answers. Such encouragement inspires me to revise and/or expand this.
Thank you. Rod
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You're welcome. I hope you do expand on it:)
Comment from Dawn Munro
First, your notes: Do I think this would make a good first chapter for a novel?
My answer is a resounding "Yes." It is clear, concise, provides backstory to give the reader insight into what's coming, it is well-paced with a decent plot line developing, and believable characters. The dialogue is authentic, the descriptions rich, and you were careful to anchor the scenes. If I had a six, this would be rated as it deserves.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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First, your notes: Do I think this would make a good first chapter for a novel?
My answer is a resounding "Yes." It is clear, concise, provides backstory to give the reader insight into what's coming, it is well-paced with a decent plot line developing, and believable characters. The dialogue is authentic, the descriptions rich, and you were careful to anchor the scenes. If I had a six, this would be rated as it deserves.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Wow! Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my question in such specific terms and detail. As a result, I am much encouraged to continue writing this story.
Rod
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I am glad you're pleased - you're most welcome. I only wish I could find the time to follow it...I certainly intend to try...
Comment from WalkerMan
Yes, I think this has the potential to be an interesting story, if Bronson is assigned to find the missing girl once he has sufficiently recovered -- provided that does not take too long to occur. However, his second wound (apparently in the torso) sounds much more serious than his first (in the leg) and may be slow to heal. Certainly, the readers will want to know the outcome of this case. Well done.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
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Yes, I think this has the potential to be an interesting story, if Bronson is assigned to find the missing girl once he has sufficiently recovered -- provided that does not take too long to occur. However, his second wound (apparently in the torso) sounds much more serious than his first (in the leg) and may be slow to heal. Certainly, the readers will want to know the outcome of this case. Well done.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Walker Man, for taking the time to read and comment on my story. I am delighted you think it has potential to be something longer.
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You are welcome. One obvious question is, "What do the kidnappers hope to gain?" In view of the extra risk compared to snatching a child of someone rich merely in hope of financial gain, this has to be political in some way -- not merely a criminal act. The answer to the above question will reveal the type of entity involved in the deed, such as a terrorist group. But what if it is false flag, perpetrated by the president's domestic
political opponents to gain some leverage against either his policies or his possible appointees, or both? (I have heard that the plot of the latest "24" season is something like the latter. Not having a television, I am not watching it.) Anyway, you have a lot of possibilities to work with in this story. -- Mike
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I love the way your mind works. You've come up with several viable ideas even if you don't watch TV (and most of the time you're not missing anything). Thanks again for the encouragement to go on.
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You are again welcome. I both read a lot (including fiction) when I had more time and watched various series on television when I had one years ago. Also, as time permitted between 1970 and 1998, I actually wrote fifteen chapters of a science fiction novel that eventually would have had sixty chapters, but a computer crash wiped it out at a point when no viable backup existed. Too bad, as a huge amount of research went into it, including the language spoken by the characters and the alphabet used to write it, though the novel's text including dialog was in English. I had consulted astronomers to get the dynamics of their star system right, and had created (and named) their units of time, distance, temperature, etc.; developed their culture, history, and political system; and set up conditions where a particular aberration would produce the story. Though I focus on poetry here at FS, prose (both fiction and nonfiction) has always been a much stronger suit for me. -- Mike
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Wow! I can imagine how such a loss affected you. Years ago I had a similar experience when a computer crash wiped out half a western. I moped for days, but eventually started from scratch and rewrote what I lost and finished the book. But I didn't have as much research invested as you did. Thanks for sharing your story, Mike.
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You are welcome, Rod. It wasn't the worst thing ever to happen in my life, but it happened at a moment when I had no time to reconstruct it -- and I haven't had time since, so a lot of it has faded away. But I can tell you that it involved desert walking machines long before Star Wars, just to name one innovative element of the story. Anyway, I hope you can do more
with "Gone" because the possibilities for a major thriller are there. -- Mike
Comment from frogbook
Yes, I think it would make a good novel. Full of action, good characterization and an intriguing plot. Best of luck with the contest as well as the novel.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
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Yes, I think it would make a good novel. Full of action, good characterization and an intriguing plot. Best of luck with the contest as well as the novel.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
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I am delighted you enjoyed the story and think it has possibilities as a novel. Thank you for sharing and your kind praise.
Comment from valmay
Really well written and believable dialogue. Good manly protagonist. I would have liked to read on. As the story isn't complete, I thought you had a strong closing sentence. Good luck.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
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Really well written and believable dialogue. Good manly protagonist. I would have liked to read on. As the story isn't complete, I thought you had a strong closing sentence. Good luck.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
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Thank you, valmay, for sharing my story and your kind praise. I am especially pleased that you would like "to read on" as I am thinking of expanding it into something longer.
Comment from Mustang Patty
This story held my interest all the way through and is a very compelling entry for the contest. It is easy to think of the president's children as targets for kidnapping. Thank you for sharing this story and good luck!
~patty~
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
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This story held my interest all the way through and is a very compelling entry for the contest. It is easy to think of the president's children as targets for kidnapping. Thank you for sharing this story and good luck!
~patty~
Comment Written 24-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
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I am delighted to know that my story kept your interest throughout. Thank you for your very kind praise.
Comment from royowen
I guess that's the interpretation of what a bodyguard is, to take a bullet instead of your charge. One's job is at an end, and you failed at what you do! Well done, a good entry, you packed a lot into a short dialogue. Good plot, excellent entry, good luck, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
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I guess that's the interpretation of what a bodyguard is, to take a bullet instead of your charge. One's job is at an end, and you failed at what you do! Well done, a good entry, you packed a lot into a short dialogue. Good plot, excellent entry, good luck, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 24-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
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I am delighted you enjoyed my entry and truly appreciate your kind praise, Roy.
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Most welcome
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
You did a great job with this writing prompt. Keeping it tightly focused on the agent was a good move for the constrictions of the contest.
There may be legs in this one
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
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Hi there,
You did a great job with this writing prompt. Keeping it tightly focused on the agent was a good move for the constrictions of the contest.
There may be legs in this one
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 24-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
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Thank you GMG, for sharing my story and your kind praise. I am delighted you think it :"may have legs."
