Haiku Club Challenge Multi-Author
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "haiku (at the road's bend)"A collection of haiku written by FanStory Poets
64 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Andre. A lot said here in a few words to tell a story. Filling in the blanks is not difficult but still very sad. Someone didn't survive. Funny thing about those trees ...they just refuse to move. Good job, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Hi, Andre. A lot said here in a few words to tell a story. Filling in the blanks is not difficult but still very sad. Someone didn't survive. Funny thing about those trees ...they just refuse to move. Good job, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Yes, Bob, funny things about those trees. After the bodies and the cars are removed from the wrecks, that shattered glass is left behind beneath the scarred tree. These remnants alone tell a story which poses questions. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
at the road's bend4<>shattered glass sparkle pine needles8-
beneath a scarred tree5
Your syllabic count is perfect, the grammatical connection is great, and the satori made me pondered. Well done!
I get the feeling that the sun and the glass started a fire... is that right? I came up with that conclusion because the tree is scarred. But it could be a car accident scarring the tree. Mmmmm... not sure.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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at the road's bend4<>shattered glass sparkle pine needles8-
beneath a scarred tree5
Your syllabic count is perfect, the grammatical connection is great, and the satori made me pondered. Well done!
I get the feeling that the sun and the glass started a fire... is that right? I came up with that conclusion because the tree is scarred. But it could be a car accident scarring the tree. Mmmmm... not sure.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Gypsy, your second theory is correct--a car accident, but I love hearing reviewers' interpretations. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Pantygynt
Sounds like someone lost control here but it certainly wasn't you. This is a neat haiku with an original approach. Most of us concentrated on the nature side, buty I do admire you originality here.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Sounds like someone lost control here but it certainly wasn't you. This is a neat haiku with an original approach. Most of us concentrated on the nature side, buty I do admire you originality here.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Yes, Pantygynt, these scarred trees above shattered glass dot the highways, especially at bends and intersections. I read all of the tree haiku posted so far and found nothing like mine, so I decided to be original. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Bill Schott
This haiku, At The Road's Bend, sets a scene that could be all about what we observe or about what we believe this foreign glass means here at Dead Man's Curve.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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This haiku, At The Road's Bend, sets a scene that could be all about what we observe or about what we believe this foreign glass means here at Dead Man's Curve.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Ah, Bill, you got it . . . Dead Man's Curve. I have noticed that shattered glass is left behind if the accident occurred off road and into the trees. Thank you for your review of my haiku which sets a scene.
Comment from nuthead
This short work definitely paints a detailed picture.
The shattered pieces of glass sparkling alongside pine needles creates an image full of questions. Placing that image in the middle of your story / haiku, it becomes the climax; the bend in the road, the lead in. Then you draw our attention to the scarred tree which answers the question. An, "ah" moment. Yes, a car crash. The bend in the road... . Like freeze frame, scene 1, 2 and 3.
Nicely done. Enjoyed.
My only niggle, and it's neither here nor there, just made me do a double take, was the "shattered glass sparkle pine needles". It felt like it was missing a word. The shattered glass is making the pine needles sparkle, right. Poetic licence. Sorry, thinking "out loud".
Definitely created a vivid scene. Well done.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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This short work definitely paints a detailed picture.
The shattered pieces of glass sparkling alongside pine needles creates an image full of questions. Placing that image in the middle of your story / haiku, it becomes the climax; the bend in the road, the lead in. Then you draw our attention to the scarred tree which answers the question. An, "ah" moment. Yes, a car crash. The bend in the road... . Like freeze frame, scene 1, 2 and 3.
Nicely done. Enjoyed.
My only niggle, and it's neither here nor there, just made me do a double take, was the "shattered glass sparkle pine needles". It felt like it was missing a word. The shattered glass is making the pine needles sparkle, right. Poetic licence. Sorry, thinking "out loud".
Definitely created a vivid scene. Well done.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Oh, thank you, sjharshenin, for your review. I am thrilled that you "got it." My poem is very deceptive because the reader has to put the story together piece-by-piece. I will check to see if a word is missing. Thanks again.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Wow this haiku gives a vivid picture.
at the road's bend--where
linked to---shattered glass sparkle pine needles.
Gives a great imagery leading to the oh dear line. a scarred tree...from what and did they survive.
Nicely done
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Wow this haiku gives a vivid picture.
at the road's bend--where
linked to---shattered glass sparkle pine needles.
Gives a great imagery leading to the oh dear line. a scarred tree...from what and did they survive.
Nicely done
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Yes, Barb, I see these scarred trees along roads, shattered glass everywhere, and I wonder "Did they survive?" Thank you for your review.
Comment from bhogg
Has all the elements of a Haiku. Not that its needed, but the photography is quite appropriate. I like the turn from the wreck to the scarred tree. Bill
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Has all the elements of a Haiku. Not that its needed, but the photography is quite appropriate. I like the turn from the wreck to the scarred tree. Bill
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Yes, Bill, I see these scarred trees over along roads, shattered glass sparkling the pine needles. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Hahaha...
Yes, at least the tree survived indeed, Andre.
Your 4/8/5 syllabic count is clearly within the limits of 17 syllables, or less, as required by the haiku form.
Lines one and two, or the phrase of your haiku, features good concrete imagery.
Your seasonal reference, or "kigo", is a bit vague, although pine needles could indicate many seasons but the shattered glass could be pointing towards spring and tornadic activity.
The satori also points to some sort of seasonal related disaster.
Well done!
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Hahaha...
Yes, at least the tree survived indeed, Andre.
Your 4/8/5 syllabic count is clearly within the limits of 17 syllables, or less, as required by the haiku form.
Lines one and two, or the phrase of your haiku, features good concrete imagery.
Your seasonal reference, or "kigo", is a bit vague, although pine needles could indicate many seasons but the shattered glass could be pointing towards spring and tornadic activity.
The satori also points to some sort of seasonal related disaster.
Well done!
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Dean, for your review. Yes, at least the tree survived.
Yes, the kigo is vague. I see these scarred pine trees along roads all during the year. The bodies and the wrecks are removed, but the shattered glass remain at the base of scarred trees. I looked up a list of 500 kigo words and did not find anything that would work with what I had in mind.
Thank you for your review on a job well done!
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My pleasure as always, Andre. You're more than welcome.
~Dean
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hi Sis - another good one from you. Lines one and two interconnect as required and your satori is really good, describing exactly what would happen to a tree involved in that crash. Very clever. Line two, I think sparkle(s) should be plural. Good haiku - warm regards Dorothy
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Hi Sis - another good one from you. Lines one and two interconnect as required and your satori is really good, describing exactly what would happen to a tree involved in that crash. Very clever. Line two, I think sparkle(s) should be plural. Good haiku - warm regards Dorothy
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Dorothy, for your review and edit of my "very clever" haiku. I appreciate it.
Comment from ronnie k
Another blessing, the tree that stands are not for you and me for true faith has a ptotecting hand, we are the tree, right my brother, we no only survive be we LIVE.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Another blessing, the tree that stands are not for you and me for true faith has a ptotecting hand, we are the tree, right my brother, we no only survive be we LIVE.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Ronnie, for your review and analysis of my haiku. I appreciate it.
