Haiku Club Challenge Multi-Author
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "haiku (at the road's bend)"A collection of haiku written by FanStory Poets
64 total reviews
Comment from Jesse James Doty
Did the photo inspire the piece? Or was it found to represent the haiku? Either way, it is an engaging presentation. The tree is scarred, but the pine needles sparkle through the broken glass. Interesting. The flow is a little less than smooth, but my guess is, that was what you were going for. Are the sparkling pine needles the silver lining? Or, am I reading more into it than is there?
Thanks for sharing.
Take care, Jesse
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Did the photo inspire the piece? Or was it found to represent the haiku? Either way, it is an engaging presentation. The tree is scarred, but the pine needles sparkle through the broken glass. Interesting. The flow is a little less than smooth, but my guess is, that was what you were going for. Are the sparkling pine needles the silver lining? Or, am I reading more into it than is there?
Thanks for sharing.
Take care, Jesse
Comment Written 25-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Oh, no, Jesse, I composed my poem first after reflecting upon old car crash sites along the side of the road landmarked with scarred trees and broken glass. After i wrote my poem, I then spent hours trying to find online a picture of broken auto glass among pine needles. I should have went back outside and took a picture of the crash sight, but my picture would not have been as detailed as the one I found.
One of the things I like about these poems is that it sparks your imagination to read more into it. Thank you for your review.
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You are an inspired writer, with an eye for the unforeseen. Kudos to you for writing it.
Comment from Moon baby
Hi, Sis Cat! This is an excellent Haiku. One I am familiar with, a friend of mine crashed his car in the same scenario and sadly lost his life. Amazing how three short lines can tell a story with so much meaning! This is a great example.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Hi, Sis Cat! This is an excellent Haiku. One I am familiar with, a friend of mine crashed his car in the same scenario and sadly lost his life. Amazing how three short lines can tell a story with so much meaning! This is a great example.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Yes, Moon Baby, I know of several scarred trees along my work route where people crashed cars and did not survive. The scarred trees almost become a roadside cross. You are right, "Amazing how three short lines can tell a story with so much meaning!" Thank you for your review.
Comment from DonandVicki
Very subtle but powerful . Get the imagery of an awful accident leaving shards of glass and a deep scar on the tree. Well done as always Sis.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Very subtle but powerful . Get the imagery of an awful accident leaving shards of glass and a deep scar on the tree. Well done as always Sis.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Don and Vicki, for your review. I am glad you "Get the imagery of an awful accident leaving shards of glass and a deep scar on the tree." My poem is so subtle that some reviewers drove off the road with speculations that someone had dumped trash or broken a bottle at the tree. I am glad you found my poem "powerful."
Comment from Lu Saluna
No author's notes or photo required for this haiku.
You have created quite an outstanding image with your first two lines. I instantly could envision what happened. Your satori is wonderful, sad of course, but wonderful.
Excellent haiku.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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No author's notes or photo required for this haiku.
You have created quite an outstanding image with your first two lines. I instantly could envision what happened. Your satori is wonderful, sad of course, but wonderful.
Excellent haiku.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Oh, thank you, Lu, for your review of my "excellent" haiku. My poem is so subtle that some reviewers drove off the road with speculations that someone had dumped trash or broken a bottle at the tree. Thanks again for instantly envisioning what happened.
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Really, I thought it was glaringly obvious. But I have been reading haiku every day and many of them. I guess it starts to get easier to look for the layers of meaning.
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Yes, I thought it was obvious, too. I guess those reviewers were not paying attention and drove off road. : )
Comment from LisaD123
The description is very powerful and the repetition of the -s- sound creates an evocative image in the mind of the reader. The final line helps to frame the haiku's ideas. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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The description is very powerful and the repetition of the -s- sound creates an evocative image in the mind of the reader. The final line helps to frame the haiku's ideas. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Oh, thank you, Lisa, for your review and analysis of my haiku. I appreciate it.
Comment from Thamp
Well done. I'm curious, which came first - the picture or the story? I like what you did here. The leap is not obvious until you tell us, then it's - wow! Thank you for writing and sharing. If you could help me with the 5-7-5 I would appreciate it. I counted different but maybe it isn't always necessary...?
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Well done. I'm curious, which came first - the picture or the story? I like what you did here. The leap is not obvious until you tell us, then it's - wow! Thank you for writing and sharing. If you could help me with the 5-7-5 I would appreciate it. I counted different but maybe it isn't always necessary...?
Comment Written 24-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Thamp, what comes first is my picture in my mind of old car crash sites along my route to work. Off road, scarred trees stand sentinel above shattered auto glass as if the trees represent roadside crosses. After I wrote my poem, I spent hours online trying to find a picture online of broken auto glass among pine needles. Once I found my picture, I posted my poem. I do better with composing poem based upon personal experience, observation, and memory. I don't use photos to inspire me when I have a world of inspiration right beneath my feet.
Regarding my 4-8-5 haiku, contemporary poets are playing with or abandoning the traditional 5-7-5. Last year an American won an international haiku competition in Japan with a 3-4-3 haiku. I am submitting this year. Thank you for your review.
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Very informative, thank you!
Comment from Ridley Williams
Hello, SC,
I appreciate the cautionary tale you have portrayed in this haiku as I live in the mountains with winding roads galore! It makes you pay attention and if you don't...as you express in your second line, "shattered glass sparkles pine needles" indeed! ...and the spot-on satori spells the aftermath.
A poignant statement, to be sure, building imagery in which all may relate...well done.
Best wishes,
Bill
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Hello, SC,
I appreciate the cautionary tale you have portrayed in this haiku as I live in the mountains with winding roads galore! It makes you pay attention and if you don't...as you express in your second line, "shattered glass sparkles pine needles" indeed! ...and the spot-on satori spells the aftermath.
A poignant statement, to be sure, building imagery in which all may relate...well done.
Best wishes,
Bill
Comment Written 24-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Bill, you are right. I drive a winding mountain back road to work. Scarred trees above shattered glass landmark past crashes. Thank you for your review of my cautionary tale told in a poignant statement.
Comment from ~Dovey
Hi Andre,
You have an excellent knack for choosing just the right words to enhance your haiku. There is an art to that ability for brevity and impact.
I'm mulling over the word sparkle, and I get that it is a verb:
1. shine brightly with flashes of light.
"her earrings sparkled as she turned her head"
But, I'm wondering if you had considered any other words in this particular line? I would probably have gone with something like:
shattered glass peppers pine needles or
shattered glass showers pine needles
Maybe I'm not thinking 'out of the box' enough? I liked your haiku and your satori line is perfect. I was just wondering about the thought process involved.
Good job! :)
Kim
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Hi Andre,
You have an excellent knack for choosing just the right words to enhance your haiku. There is an art to that ability for brevity and impact.
I'm mulling over the word sparkle, and I get that it is a verb:
1. shine brightly with flashes of light.
"her earrings sparkled as she turned her head"
But, I'm wondering if you had considered any other words in this particular line? I would probably have gone with something like:
shattered glass peppers pine needles or
shattered glass showers pine needles
Maybe I'm not thinking 'out of the box' enough? I liked your haiku and your satori line is perfect. I was just wondering about the thought process involved.
Good job! :)
Kim
Comment Written 24-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Oh, no, Kim, you are doing a great job thinking outside of the box. I spend sometimes minutes or hours and even days puzzling over each word. Your suggestions are good ones and show a keen and creative thought process. I chose "sparkle" because it best describes my experience when I go on walks and encounter an old car crash site. The wreck had long been removed, but all that remains are the scarred tree and the sparkling shards of auto glass glittering among the dried pine needles like diamonds. I do not get the same picture of sparkling, glittering, diamond-like shards of glass with the verbs "peppers" or "showers." Knowing me, I might borrow those two words for another poem! Thank you for your review.
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Hi Andre,
Thanks for the understanding reply... now I see what you see.
Kim
Comment from nancyrabbrose
You have written an interesting haiku. You found beauty in a catastrophe, a good metaphor for life. The living survived, the thing that God created. We don't know what was shattered. Sometimes a life is momentarily shattered, but life can still be found. Thank you for helping me to figure out a profound haiku. Well done.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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You have written an interesting haiku. You found beauty in a catastrophe, a good metaphor for life. The living survived, the thing that God created. We don't know what was shattered. Sometimes a life is momentarily shattered, but life can still be found. Thank you for helping me to figure out a profound haiku. Well done.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Nancy, for your review of my profound, life-shattering haiku.
Comment from patcelaw
I often am disturbed when I go for a walk along our highway and find so many broken bottles cluttering the roadside. It seems people just have no respect for their surroundings. Patricia
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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I often am disturbed when I go for a walk along our highway and find so many broken bottles cluttering the roadside. It seems people just have no respect for their surroundings. Patricia
Comment Written 24-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Yes, Patricia, along roads, people have no respect for their surroundings. Thank you for your review.
